I’m annoyed that she’s making our relationship out to be something it’s not, but then again, I don’t want the public to know that our sex life sucks, either. I certainly don’t want her to know I think that. It would hurt her… and in truth, this is all new to both of us. Maybe she’ll loosen up; lighten up.
I have to hope that she will, because I know this isn’t what I was hoping for.
“Sir?” I say to the driver. “Would you mind putting up the privacy glass?”
“Of course,” he says.
“I’m not mad,” I tell her. “This is new terrain, right? We just need to figure out how to navigate it.”
“I don’t want to have to put on a show for these people–”
“Said the girl putting on lipstick for the cameras.”
“Is it wrong that I want to look good in pictures?” she asks.
“I just want you to be yourself. That’s who I love. I want you to be comfortable being yourself, and I don’t feel like you’ve been comfortable being… naturally… you. Since, you know, Friday night.”
“Absolutely, I have!” she argues.
I look at her; scrutinize her expression, wondering if she really believes that. Wondering if this is really her, and this is just a facet of her that I have yet to get to know.
I nod, trying to understand that and replaying moments of our weekend together. If this is Zaina, the romantic partner, I am doomed.
And I’m being overly dramatic. “Okay,” I say, smiling. “We’ll get in sync, I’m sure.” I’m not sure.
“We have the rest of the summer,” she says, optimistic.
“Beginning Thursday, and then on other pre-scheduled dates.” Did she pick up on my frustration at all?
“Exactly!”
Nope.
After the driver drops me off at my house, I go immediately to my room. A note from my parents tells me that they’re with my sister and her family, having dinner, and that I’m welcome to join them. Instead, I just want some time alone to think.
I start my laundry and go upstairs to make some grilled chicken and brown rice. I eye my dad’s liquor cabinet, but go for a glass of ice water instead.
As I eat my dinner, I try to figure out what I’m most upset about. I realize it’s not really Zaina’s behavior so much as it is my own. I’d accused her of not being comfortable being herself. When I look back on each of the three times we were together, I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t allowed to be. I am an utter romantic at heart. I come from parents that are so in love it’s disgusting sometimes–but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t know any other way, and I don’t want to settle for anything less.
What I’ve experienced over the past three days has been less. Less than what I would expect from a loving relationship that’s meant to last a lifetime.
Zaina and I have been great friends for years. She’s been the best girlfriend a guy could ask for. She’s been faithful and loyal. She’s cheered for me on the sidelines at all of my sporting events. She encouraged me to apply to the best colleges and helped me perfect my essays, ensuring that I was accepted into every school I went for. I did the same for her. We’ve always been supportive of one another’s goals and pursuits.
While we’ve had a mild physical relationship, it’s been fulfilling over the years when we knew it had hard lines. Hard lines that I had drawn years ago. Maybe I set the tone for all of this, I don’t know, but when I had envisioned our eventual sex life, it was always interesting, experimental, and completely uninhibited. The way Zaina had talked all these years, she’d hinted that was what she wanted. But I feel like she was all talk.
We’d discussed oral sex many times, but now? It’s off the table.
We’d joked about getting carried away in moments–in my car, at Callen’s mansion, on the beach–but now we have to plan?
And I can accept that she wants to be safe about things… but I didn’t see her fourth method of birth control coming.
In hindsight, I’m okay with it.
Before this weekend, I really thought we were meant to be together. I thought she was the one.
After this weekend, I’m beginning to have doubts. They’re doubts I don’t want to creep in. Doubts I don’t want to even admit because I feel like a total ass for even having them, but I feel like she promised me things that she was never willing to deliver on. I would never do that to someone.
But…
I love her, and I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Willing to accept that she’s just afraid of what’s new and that she’ll eventually warm up to trying new things or to letting down her guard. I also accept that these have to be decisions she makes and not my own acts of persuasion.
I’m a good guy. I’m the good guy. It would be a big letdown to myself if I let something like sex change that. Our relationship has been everything I’ve wanted for two and a half years. So, we now have new plans and hard lines. I’ve never been afraid of change. I’ve got to give us a chance in this new arena. I’ll make some sacrifices to make her happy.
I’m confident it’ll all work out–as long as we can both be ourselves and respect one another in doing that. And college will let us do that in ways we never have before. These will be the years that will determine how strong we are as a couple. We’ll be separated by an entire ocean. Apart and alone, but still together. I bet days like this will seem trivial in hindsight, when I’m having doubts over such superficial things.
The distance will force us to have a different perspective on our relationship, for sure.
My mind races, excited with the future that lies ahead of me. I can’t wait for the fall.
Yeah…
Zaina, away at Oxford.
Me, in a dorm at Columbia.
I smile at the prospects.
College will be telling.
Also by Lori L. Otto
Lost and Found
Time Stands Still
Never Look Back
Not Today, But Someday
Number Seven
Contessa
Olivia
Dear Jon
Livvy
Hollandtown Extras
Crossroads
Love Like We Do (Side A)
Love Like We Do (Side B)
Love Will
In the Wake of Wanting
About the Author
Inspired by popular fiction and encouraged by close friends, Lori L. Otto returned to writing in the winter of 2008. After a sixteen-year hiatus, she rediscovered her passion for fiction and began writing what would soon become her first series: Emi Lost & Found. Although the books of Nate, Emi and Jack have concluded, other characters from the books continued their own journeys, demanding their stories be told.
For more information:
www.loriotto.com
[email protected]
Lori L. Otto, (It Happened) One Friday
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