Chapter 6 - How Some Bank Robbers Got Stung for their Crimes
One day while Itchy Mitch was weeding tenderly around his watermelon plants (he would stroke them and talk to them while he did it), he was surprised to look up and see the bank president standing nearby. The poor man seemed very upset and was holding a letter in his hands.
"Sheriff, you've got to help me!" he said unhappily, while running a hand through his hair (or rather, what little hair he had left). “The Hole in the Hat Gang are on their way to town - and they're going to rob the bank!”
Calmly Mitch set aside his weeding spade and stood up. “The Hole in the Hat Gang?” he said curiously. “How do you know they’re coming? And who are they, anyway?”
“They’re one of the most feared bands of outlaws in the west,” said the bank president with a shiver. “They’re meaner than a rattlesnake that’s been stepped on by a mule. They all cut a hole in their hats so they won’t be mistaken for a less mean gang!”
“As for how I know they’re coming, it’s because of this!” said the bank president, thrusting the letter he was holding into Sherriff Mitch's hand. He then wrung his hands nervously while Mitch read the following note:
April 17, 1877
Dear Mr. Bank President:
Remember to have the bank ready next week like we told you.
Sincerely,
The Hole in the Hat Gang.
P.S. Don't forget the milk and cookies.
Mitch read the letter through twice, then looked up at the bank president, "I'm not sure I understand," he said quietly. "Why do you think this means they're going to rob the bank? And what's this about milk and cookies? I thought you said they were mean."
"That's their courtesy reminder letter about the robbery," said the bank president. "Even though they are extremely mean and nasty, they are very polite robbers. Last fall they sent me a letter to let me know they would be coming in the Spring to rob me. I’ve got it right here." The bank president pulled a faded, crumpled letter out of his pocket and handed it to Mitch. It read as follows:
November 13, 1876
Dear Mr. Bank President:
It has come to our attention that the Broken Jaw Junction bank has gone too long without being robbed. Therefore, as part of our annual robbing tours of banks in your area, we will be stopping in at your bank next spring to rob everything you've got. (We apologize that we cannot rob you sooner. However, our schedule of planned robberies is so tight that we could not fit you in until next spring, right after our Christmas vacation break).
Please make sure your bank is ready for our arrival. We would prefer it if you would exchange most of your coins for paper bills, so our robber bags will not be too heavy. As an added courtesy, please leave the front door open. Thank you for so kindly allowing us to rob from you.
Sincerely,
The Hole in the Hat Gang
P.S. Since it is a long, hot ride to Broken Jaw Junction, please also have some milk and cookies for us at the bank (preferably chocolate chip)
Sheriff Mitch looked up at the bank president and scratched his chin. Finally he asked, “Are you sure a robber wrote this letter, or is someone playing a trick on you? Most thieves can't write that well.”
“True enough, but the leader of the Hole in the Hat Gang is a Harvard man. They say he came out west because he got bored of making an honest living.” Then the bank president actually beamed with pride. “It's actually a great honor to get an intent-to-rob letter from The Hole in the Hat Gang. They are highly respected in the law breaking community.”
"You almost sound like you want them to rob you!" said Mitch.
The bank president's face instantly changed to a look of fear and worry. “Heavens no!” he replied. “They may be polite and respected, but if they rob me I'll be ruined! You've got to stop them!”
“Golly,” said Mitch with a smile, “that seems easy enough. Since they were silly enough to warn you they were coming, that gives me time to get ready for them.
Now the bank president really looked scared. "If only it were that easy!" he said despondently. "There are six members of the Hole in the Hat Gang, and I don’t see how you can stop them by yourself, even though you’re fast with a gun. And I doubt you’ll find anyone to help you fight the Hole in the Hat Gang in this town, so you’ll still be facing them alone!”
“Oh, I’m sure I can find some men in town to help me,” said Mitch confidently. “But if you’re worried, why don’t you just take all your money to the bank in Soda Jerk Springs or some other town. Or just hide it somewhere so they don't find it, so there won’t be anything to rob when they get here.”
The bank president’s face went white. “There’s no way I can do that!” he cried. “You can’t hide your money from the Hole in the Hat Gang!”
“Why not?” asked Mitch curiously.
“No bank within 200 miles will take my money, since they know the Hole in the Hat Gang won’t rest until they find out where I put the money and come and rob them too! And if I tried to take it west over the mountains to a bigger, safer city bank in San Francisco, or go east to Salt Lake City, they'd catch me and rob me on the way. Half of the Hole in the Hat Gang take their vacation along the road to San Francisco, and the other half along the road to Salt Lake City!”
"Hmmm..." murmured Mitch as he stooped over to brush an ant from the leaf of one of his tomato plants. "You could still hide it somewhere around here, couldn't you?"
"Not a chance," said the bank president mournfully, wringing his hands again. "They'd take me instead and torture me until I told where it was hidden. That's what they did with the bank president in Soda Jerk Springs two years ago. He lost his mind, poor fellow."
"I can't believe the Hole in the Hat Gang would resort to torture," said Mitch. "If they're so polite and respected, and their leader is from Harvard, I can’t see how they would do something so despicable, even if they do claim to be the meanest gang around."
"Oh, they don't use knives or anything common like that to do their torturing," replied the bank president. "They’re far too sophisticated for that. They use something much more hideous." He shuddered, and his face was white. "I hate to even think about it."
"It can't be that bad," said Mitch. "What is it?"
The bank president looked furtively around as if he were afraid to even say what it was. Finally he whispered, "The gang take turns singing 'Home on the Range' to their victims, all day and all night without stopping—and all of them sing off key!! It's horrible! Most people crack within 24 hours!"
With Mitch staring after him in amazement, the bank president went quickly out the door and ran back to his bank, where he began preparing the documents he needed to declare bankruptcy.
Later that day, Mitch told Cousin Elias about the Hole in the Hat Gang and the bank robbery. As soon as he heard the news, Cousin Elias turned as white as the bank president. Then he hurriedly started to pack his bags.
"Consarn it!" grumbled Elias while shoving a dirty shirt into his bag. "I still haven't found any gold, and now I've got to go and leave!"
"Leave?" said Mitch curiously. "Why?"
Cousin Elias looked at Mitch as if a sunflower had suddenly sprouted out of his head. "Are you crazy?" he cried. "There's six members of the Hole in the Hat Gang, and every one of 'em is right handy with a gun. Even you, fast as you are, can't take them all."
"Well, that’s easy enough to solve," replied Mitch, "If we deputize enough miners and townsmen, there'll be no problem. The robbers won't dare take on the whole town!"
Cousin Elias smirked, then said, "and just how many townsmen have you been able to deputize so far?"
Mitch coughed apologetically. "Well," he replied, "it's a curious thing. I have asked a few men, but they all seem to be busy or sick or going out of town or something. Old Jed Parker even said he had to stay home and help his wife do the dishes, which seems mighty curi
ous since he hasn't washed himself or taken a bath in over a year!"
Cousin Elias snorted and turned back to his packing. "I thought so,” he grumbled. “Nobody here has any backbone except you. You can ask 'till doomsday, and you won't get a soul." He continued to shove his belongings into his bag.
"That can’t be the case," replied Mitch. "I'm sure there are solid, courageous men in this town who will be willing to stand with me. I haven't even asked the mayor or town council members yet."
"Hah!" cried Cousin Elias. "Those swindlers would give all their money to the Ladies Aid before they'd help you!"
"Well, there's always the federal marshals out of Sacramento," said Mitch offhandedly. "I sent them a telegram as soon as I found out the Hole in the Hat Gang was coming. I'm sure they'll show up to help us!"
For the first time a glimmer of hope shone in Cousin Elias' eyes. "Yeah," he said slowly while a smile began to spread across his face. "Those guys aren't skeered. Maybe there's a chance after all."
Just then there was a knock at the sheriff's door. Bill Percy stepped into the office and handed Mitch a piece of paper. “Here’s a telegram for ya sheriff,” he said. “It says the federal marshals are too busy with the Indians down south to help you fight the Hole in the Hat Gang, and besides, they think it's a local problem you should handle yourself, especially since they can’t stand robbers who sing off key.” Then Bill added with a quaver in his voice, “and if you're thinking of asking me to help you fight ‘em, I'm about to come down with the two month flu!” And before Mitch or Elias could say anything, he ran out of the office. Elias gave Mitch an angry look, then went back to packing his bags.
“Now, Elias,” Mitch said softly, “Don't let what Bill said get you down. If you and I go around town asking for help, I’m sure we'll have a good sized group by nightfall.”
Elias shoved the last of his clothes into his bag. Then he came across the room and put a hand on Mitch's shoulder. “Cousin Mitch,” he said (and there was a tear in his eye), “you know I love you like a brother. There’s hardly anything I wouldn't do for you if I could ...” Elias paused dramatically.
“—except get myself killed in a hopeless fight with the Hole in the Hat Gang! I resign as your deputy.” And with that, Elias handed Mitch his badge, grabbed his bag and left the office before Mitch could say a word.
Mitch spent the entire afternoon and evening after Elias left trying to find men in town who would help him fight the Hole in the Hat Gang. However, not one single person agreed to help. The saloon keeper laughed long and loud in Mitch’s face when he was asked, which is something he loved to do. He was so gleeful at the idea of Mitch being beaten by the Hole in the Hat Gang that he gave free drinks to every man who refused to help the sheriff (his saloon was full in no time).
The light in Sheriff Mitch's office was on late into the night after all the men in town refused to help him fight the Hole in the Hat Gang. Some said it was because Mitch was writing a new will leaving his plants (and of course the responsibility to water them) to whoever he thought was most deserving. Others said he was packing his bags and figuring out where to go after he left Broken Jaw Junction. But they were all wrong …
The next morning at sunup, a few early risers saw Mitch leave his office and head out of town. It looked like he was leaving for good. When the saloon keeper found out, he was so happy at the news that he gave everybody free drinks again that day. Then he started switching some of his roulette tables back to the way they were before Mitch arrived (so they would cheat people out of their money).
But the saloon keeper was bitterly disappointed when Mitch came back to town late that afternoon. He grumpily put a stop to the free drinks (which drove more than half the men in town out of his saloon), and then started to switch his roulette tables back again, grumbling angrily to himself the whole time.
People noticed as Mitch came back into town that he was carrying a little bag that seemed to have some kind of dust in it. He went straight to the bank where people could see through the window that he was talking to the bank president and pointing to the bag. A big smile came over the bank president's face, and then he took Mitch's little bag and disappeared into the vault where all the money was kept. In a few minutes he came back--still with a big smile on his face--and gave Mitch the bag, which was now empty. Then Mitch went back to his office to water his cucumber plants, leaving everyone to wonder what was going on.
A few brave souls asked the bank president about the bag, but he refused to tell them anything. He just smiled and went back to counting his money. Since money was the only thing that ever made him smile, the rumor flew around town that the bag Mitch had brought was full of gold dust, and that he was getting some money together to take with him when he left town the following week, before the Hole in the Hat Gang arrived. Of course, most of the miners were very jealous since they had been digging in the mine fields for months without finding anything. It didn’t seem fair that Mitch could find a whole bag of gold dust in one morning.
Several days went by, and each day the townspeople noticed that the same thing would happen. Every morning Mitch would leave early and then come back into town a few hours later carrying a small bag of dust which he would take to the bank. The bank president would take it into the vault and then come back with a big smile on his face and give Mitch the empty bag. Other than a strange increase in the amount of bees in town, which liked to swarm around the bank most of all, nothing else happened. And when some of the jealous miners followed Mitch one morning to see where he was finding all his gold dust, they came back in disgust to report that Mitch had spent the whole time picking wild flowers, and they hadn’t seen any gold dust at all. They figured he must be filling his little bag with dirt and tricking the bank president into thinking it was gold.
Now you would think, since everyone knew a bank robbery was about to happen, that they would have rushed over to take all their money out of the bank so they wouldn't lose it. But the truth is, everybody was so scared that the Hole in the Hat Gang would find out about it and come to their house and torture them with never-ending songs of 'Home on the Range' that nobody took out even a dime. Better to lose all your money and die of starvation than to have to listen forever to the Hole in the Hat Gang singing off key.
After more than a week had passed, everyone was surprised that Mitch had not yet left town. It was starting to look like he was going to actually face the Hole in the Hat Gang alone. Then on Tuesday morning, a dust cloud was seen approaching the town from the west. Everyone knew it was the Hole in the Hat Gang coming to rob the bank, yet Mitch still didn’t leave town. The new undertaker, Ebenezer Snudge, was so excited about soon having his first customer (Sheriff Mitch, of course), that he danced a little jig all the way down to the saloon—where the saloon keeper started to dance it too.
It wasn’t long until the Hole in the Hat Gang rode into town. They first stopped to wet their whistles at the saloon, where the saloon keeper gave them all free drinks and thanked them for coming to rid the town of its sheriff. (They wrote down his address so they could later send him a ‘Your Welcome’ card). Then they went to the bank, where the bank president kindly let them in and showed them to the vault. He seemed unaccountably happy and smiling for someone who was about to lose all that he owned. Before he left he made sure to leave some milk and cookies for them to eat after their work was done. Then he went out so they could have some privacy while they worked.
About that time, Billy Deaver ran over to the sheriff's office to tell Mitch the bank was being robbed. He found Mitch out back weeding his turnip plants. When Billy told him the news, Mitch just grunted and went back to his weeding. Billy went wide-eyed in wonder, then ran all over town telling everyone that the bank was being robbed and they were losing all their money, and Mitch wasn't doing anything about it!
The Ladies Aid were incensed. They firmly believed that if any lawbreaki
ng was going on the Sheriff should run right over and try to stop it even if that meant he would just get himself killed. They stormed over to Mitch's office to tell him off, but when they saw him come around the corner carrying the stink flower he had used to turn the saloon back into a school, they decided to come back and tell him another day.
The Hole in the Hat Gang took their time clearing out the vault and then took even longer to eat up all the milk and cookies the bank president had left. When they finally rode out of town with all the money bags hanging from their horses, they boldly rode right past the sheriff's office.
Their leader, the Harvard man (no one knew his real name), smirked at Mitch and called out, "Hey, sheriff! Aren't you going to try to stop us?" For a minute, Mitch didn't even look up from where he was watering his broccoli plants. When he finally did he just tipped his hat and said, "I'll be seeing you," and then went back to watering his plants. The gang all thought that was pretty funny and with shouts and jeers and laughter, they rode out of town.
For Mitch to face the gang and do nothing was too much for the Ladies Aid, stinkflower or no stinkflower. Three of their most vocal members swarmed over to Mitch's office.
"Well, sheriff!" said Minerva Thudbug in a haughty voice, "why didn't you stop them from robbing the bank? It's part of your duties, you know."
"Or are you in league with them?" asked Stella Starfungus angrily. "Why did you say you'd be seeing them? Are you going to go out and split the money with them?"
Mitch just looked at the ladies calmly while sitting in his watermelon patch, but didn't say a word.
"Well?!" demanded Eva Fussclotch menacingly. "Are you just going to sit with your watermelons all day, or are you going to do something?"
"Actually," replied Mitch in a mild voice, "I am. I'm just waiting for the next bee to fly by."
This answer was so bizarre and unexpected that for thirty full seconds not one of the ladies knew what to say (which was very unusual for them). Finally, Stella Starfungus thought of a reply that was so horrible it would make even a strong man wilt. But right as she was about to say it, a bee suddenly landed on her shoulder.
Now there was only one kind of bee these ladies liked, and that was a quilting bee. So when the ladies saw a real bee land on Stella, they all decided that maybe they'd yell at Mitch some other time, and then they went off screaming down the street (with the bee in hot pursuit).
Mitch calmly went back to weeding in his watermelon patch as if nothing had happened. But it wasn't long until he saw another bee buzzing by on its way out of town. Then there was another, and another, and yet another. Very calmly Mitch put down his spade, saddled his horse, and with some curious onlookers following behind him, he rode out of town on the trail of an ever growing group of buzzing bees.
Mitch and his curious followers kept tracking those bees across the Nevada desert for half an hour until they finally came to the foot of a small mountain. It looked like the bees were going on up the mountain, so Mitch and the others tried to look for a way up. They finally found a rough trail, which was mostly overgrown with weeds. After following this trail over several rocky ridges and through a thick patch of thorny bushes, they came suddenly into a small clearing with a cabin at one end. A swarm of angry bees was buzzing in and out of the cabin’s open door and windows, and they could hear screams and shouts from inside.
Suddenly a member of the Hole in the Hat Gang appeared at the door of the cabin. He was holding a wad of money and was being chased by a swarm of angry bees. With a scream, he raced across the clearing toward Mitch and the others, with the bees in hot pursuit.
Instantly, Mitch's gun was in his hand. "Drop the money!" he cried. The gang member gaped at Mitch as if he had just been asked to cut his hand off. In the moment he hesitated the bees were all over him, and he dropped the money as if he had been stung (which, of course, he had). Then he rolled around on the ground swatting at the bees that were crawling all over him, and especially over his hand where he had held the money.
Calmly, Mitch got off his horse and took a large leather sack from his saddlebags, and a pair of thick gloves. After putting on the gloves, he walked over to where the gang member had dropped the money (which had bees crawling all over it) and quickly popped it into the sack, closing it up quick so no bees could get inside. Then he leaned over and took the gang member's gun from his holster, which wasn't easy to do since the fellow was still rolling around on the ground, swatting madly at bees.
Just then the Harvard man and the three other members of the Hole in the Hat Gang ran out of the cabin. Each held wads of money in both hands, and each was surrounded by a cloud of bees.
As soon as the Harvard man saw Mitch he cried, "Sheriff! Help us! We'll do anything, even go to jail! Just help us!!"
"Glad to hear you say that," said Mitch with a yawn. "Just drop the money on the ground, then drop your guns." They did it lickety-split—in between swatting at angry bees and yelling when they were stung. Mitch calmly walked over and took their guns and put the money they had dropped in the leather bag.
Then he returned to his horse and carefully removed a peculiar, small sack from his saddlebags which he took away from everyone, across the clearing. They saw him open the sack and take out another little bag, and then remove yet another bag from it. He quickly opened the last bag, which seemed to have kind of some dust in it, and dumped it on the ground, then jumped back. Immediately, every bee in the clearing buzzed over to the dust as if they were going crazy.
Young Tom Hogwater, one of the group that had followed Mitch from town, couldn’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “What in tarnation is that?” he asked. “And what have you done to those bees?”
“It’s just a bag of flower pollen,” replied Mitch casually, “just like what bees gather out of flowers all the time. Bees go crazy over it.” The Harvard man and his gang stared in amazement at the swarming bees, while Mitch slapped handcuffs on them all.
“You mean, there was flower pollen all over the bank money?” cried the Harvard man.
“Yep,” replied Mitch with a pleasant smile. “I’ve been putting it there ever since I heard you and your gang were coming to town. Thought you fellows might like some company when you opened your money.”
“Sheriff,” growled the Harvard man, “that’s about the lowest, meanest, dirtiest trick that I ever—ouch!” He swatted at a bee that had just stung his hand. Then he and the other gang members started swearing and grumbling at Mitch about how he had tricked them, and there should be a law against being tricked by a sheriff, and about being able to rob fair and square, and other such things. But Mitch paid no attention. He just smiled and strung a rope through all the handcuffs, and started leading his prisoners back to town.
The crowd that had followed him gave a loud cheer, and some of them raced on ahead so they could be the first ones to brag to everyone about what Mitch had done, as if they had been the ones to think of sprinkling flower pollen over all the bank money.
When Mitch led his prisoners through town and to the jail, he was given a hero's welcome. There was a lot of hat throwing and back thumping and even a little shooting of guns in the air—until Mitch frowned at those who were doing it, and then their faces went red and they put their guns away. Even the Ladies Aid surprised everyone by admitting they were wrong about Mitch and that he had done a good job (for the Ladies Aid to admit a mistake was about as rare as sighting a two headed jack rabbit).
The Hole in the Hat Gang were all put in jail and covered in mud poultices to sooth their many bee stings (which made them all look like walking mud puddles), and a messenger was sent to Soda Jerk Springs to tell Cousin Elias it was safe to come back to town. And of course, all of the bank money was returned to the bank where the bank president carefully cleaned off all remaining bee pollen and made such a fuss over it you'd think someone had just saved his only child from death.
And that is how I
tchy Mitch outsmarted one of the toughest gangs in the old west, and also saved his own skin and everybody else’s money with only a little bit of flower pollen.