Chapter 3
For the first time in Jonathan’s life, he and his dad sat and talked for hours. It was enriching. His dad told him about when he was young, growing up in the little town of Neodesha, some 20 miles north of Independence, and how he eventually met their mom. Jonathan could see how much he still missed her.
“Remember how we’d go out to Elk City Lake and fish? Well, that’s where I met your mom.”
Jonathan eased back on the couch and drank it all in. “Really? That’s where you guys met? How?” “We were both about seventeen, still in high school but I didn’t really know her then. Her parents and my parents would go fishing out there and one day we sort of…bumped into each other.” He looked away for a second, but gathered his thoughts and continued. “Anyway, while they fished, we sat and talked. She was so pretty and friendly. She had me hooked in the first five minutes. Of course I didn’t let her know that…well at least I don’t think I did.” They both laughed and that seemed to ease some of pain of telling.
“Yeah, so dad what happened next? Obviously you guys got together.”
“Well, we sat and talked most of the afternoon. When it was time to go I asked her if I could call her, and she said, "Yes". I’ll tell you Jonathan, my heart almost jumped out of my chest. Here was this beautiful, enchanting girl, and she was actually going to let me call her. So, the next weekend I did call her and we went to a movie.”
“Where? What did you see?” Jonathan was starting to feel the excitement his dad had felt, back then.
“I drove down to Independence, because we didn’t have a movie theater in Neodesha, and I have no idea what movie we saw. I sat and stared at your mom all night. I took her home and asked if we could go out again the next weekend. I must have done something right, because again she said yes.
“Anyway, one thing led to another and when we graduated from high school I asked her to marry me, and once again she said, yes.” He seemed to be looking right past Jonathan into another time. “No one will ever know how much I loved her.” He suddenly got up and walked to the front window. It was late and the only light was coming from the corner street lamp. He stood gazing out the pane for several minutes. Jonathan thought maybe he was tired, plus they certainly had never discussed this before.
“Dad, shall we call it an evening?”
“Yeah, let's do. I’m tired, and we have an early day tomorrow, what with Fran’s funeral and all.”
He followed his dad up the stairs, they said goodnight and went to their bedrooms. He could hear him cleaning up before bed in the bathroom, just like he did all those years when Jonathan was young. It was truly a dichotomy, his father’s living habits had virtually not changed at all, and yet, they’d just had a discussion about his mother, which had never happened before. He thought, "This is truly going to be a coming-of-age visit."
Once he knew his dad was in bed, he headed to the old bathroom he and Matt used to share. It was empty, but clean. On the way back to his bedroom, he just had to take one more look in Matt’s room. He stepped in, turned on the light and closed the door. The room felt cold, and not really part of the house, much like Matt never really felt like part of the family. But where was he? He hadn’t had the heart to ask his dad about him. He sat down on Matt’s bed, thinking about how different Matt was. He always liked to find trouble, and if he couldn’t find it, he’d make it. Jonathan never understood that. And now, maybe he was in big trouble, something he couldn’t get out of. Jonathan had seen a side of Matt no one else ever had, at least when they were young.
They were sixteen years old and had taken the old pickup truck out near Oswego to do some pheasant hunting. They’d work the ditches and ask farmers if they could hunt their cornfields. Late one afternoon they came across one lone old cow. She appeared to have gotten stranded and lost from the herd. Matt walked up and began talking to her. Got right in her face and started yelling things, like, “Hi, is anyone home?” Then he’d turn and laugh out loud. Jonathan had an eerie feeling about it and kept asking him to stop. Matt suddenly turned and looked at him with a look that sent chills down his back, then turned back around and shot the cow right between the eyes with his shotgun. She stood there for a second, then dropped to her knees and fell forward on her face. It made Jonathan sick. It also scared him to death. This might be his brother, but who, or what, was he really? Jonathan immediately started walking to the truck. He could hear Matt behind him. He didn’t know what to say. They got in the truck and Matt asked, “Are you alright little brother?” He’d call him little brother, because Matt was born four minutes before Jonathan.
“Are you kidding? You just killed a cow, shot her with your shotgun. No! I’m not alright.”
Matt leaned over close and said, “Well, you better be alright little brother, because if anyone hears about this, I’ll know who told them, understand?”
Jonathan could feel the chills running down the back of his neck. He had no choice, “Yeah, okay, I got it.”
“I’m serious Jonathan, no one knows about this!”
“Okay, Matt, no one will know…I promise.”
They didn’t speak all the way back to the house. Jonathan had put his gun away in the cellar and went to his room. He couldn’t sleep; he kept seeing that poor cow drop. For days he did his best to stay away from Matt. He just couldn’t look at him. Finally, a week later Matt walked into his room and sat down on the bed. “Hey, Jonathan, I’m sorry about the other day, you know when we were hunting…the cow?”
Jonathan was reading a book at his desk and hadn’t turned around to acknowledge Matt. He let a few seconds pass then said, “Fine.”
He heard Matt get up and leave, and the cow incident was never mentioned again.
He hadn’t thought about that for years. He was tired and his dad was right, they did have an early morning tomorrow. He took one last look around, turned off the light, closed the door behind him and swore he’d never go back in that room again.
The service was simple, but had a certain air of elegance about it. Everyone was there, which included Fran’s close friends and the immediate family members. Jonathan hadn’t seen most of them in years and some only long ago. The casket was closed, which he was thankful for, because he wanted to remember Fran, as she was the last time he had seen her, full of life and energy. He wandered around shaking hands and engaging in small talk, mostly about Fran. It was strange how these people had taken on a new meaning to him. They were where he came from, his heritage. He went over and sat down by himself, just watching them; wondering about them. Who were they, really, and how did he wind up in this family? While he was still off in his forgotten past, someone sat down beside him.
“Hi Jonathan, do you remember me?” He turned to see a familiar old face, his great Uncle Chuck. Chuck was his Grandfather Sam’s brother. Sam had been married to Fran for many years, but had been killed in a car accident some twenty-five years ago. Jonathan didn’t really know Sam since he was so young when he was killed. Chuck didn’t live in Kansas, he’d moved away years ago to Toledo, Ohio. Didn’t look anything like his brother Sam, was short, slightly stooped and had a head of thick white hair.
“Of course I do. Uncle Chuck, how are you?”
“Under the circumstances, I guess okay. Fran was so dear, it’s a sad day.”
Jonathan could see the pain in his face and the realization that he was getting older and soon it would be his turn.
“She sure was. I will miss her a lot.” He then felt guilty. Everyone knew what Fran had done for him and that he hadn’t been back to see her in years.
“You know Uncle Chuck, I feel terrible, because I’ve been such an idiot. I let all these years slip by and now I can’t do anything about it.” He could feel himself welling up. Chuck reached over and put his hand on Jonathan’s, “Jonathan, don’t you think we all have regrets? There’s not a
person in this room who doesn’t feel sorrow over something they did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say. Fran knew you loved her and that’s the most important thing. Don’t beat yourself up over something you can’t change.” He squeezed Jonathan’s hand, got up and walked off. Jonathan sat there in shock for a few seconds. He had no idea; no idea at all this family had such love for each other. But how would he? He’d been away too long…trying to become a famous writer.
Things were dying down and people were saying their good-byes. Fran would have been pleased with the service. It was cheerful and brought a lot of people together who hadn’t seen each other in years. And, sad as Jonathan was over why he was there, it had been an awakening. His family, his history, he was now seeing it through eyes of curiosity and, an unquenchable desire to know more. He was going to find out everything he could. He was going to explore all those gray, murky areas. He would find some of them were very, very…black!
Matt never appeared.