“You do not know love.” I all but snarled, my temper taking control of my words, my objective forgotten. “If you did, you would not commit this coward’s act. How do you think they would feel to see you like this? Would they be proud of you?”
“That’s enough! You do not know anything. You think love is the answer? I say hatred is. I will make you feel what I feel. I will do such awful things you will hate me, and your God. You won’t believe in anything, and Mary will have failed. You hear me, Mary? You have failed.” He tipped his head back and let out a hearty, boisterous laugh. “Just like God abandoned his only son, He will do the same to you. He does not care for you. Let’s see if it’s true. How fast can you run, little girl?”
No. No. No.
My chest caved in. My plan had backfired.
I shook my head in fear of what Longinus planned to do. Pushing Jack away so he could not stop me, I ran toward my father. Even knowing I was probably going to be too late, I had to do it for the small chance I would reach him in time.
Faster. Run faster. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. Father, I’m coming for you.
Please, God, help me.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Oh, My Heart
“No—” I screamed with every breath in me, hoping to stop him, but instead I watched Longinus drive a claw right through Father’s back. He pulled it out just as I reached him.
Oh, my heart, my heart, my heart.
My father arched his back as he let out a sharp gasp and collapsed. Longinus had hurt Father, but he might as well have shredded my soul. I shook with uncontrollable rage.
“How could you?” I shrieked, trying to grasp what had just happened. “You’re an evil monster. I hate you!”
His dark lips twitched smugly. “That’s it. Hate me, little one. Be angry with me. Say it again.”
His smugness intensified my wrath. Longinus lowered his head. He could swallow me whole if he wanted, but he would not. At least not yet.
My jaw clenched, fists hardened like rocks, and I lost control. I fought the throbbing ache that spread through my body, squeezing me tightly. Longinus had trampled my heart and broken my soul.
My breath came short and fast as my chest heaved. “I hate you. I’m going to kill you.” A wild growl reverberated from my throat.
“Good. Hate me. Feel that anger. Take it all in. Think about what I did to your father. I stripped him. I beat him until he begged me to stop. I made him suffer. Then I killed him. I enjoyed it. And I would do it again if I could.”
I covered my ears. “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”
I felt hatred to the depth of my marrow and burned through my soul.
“Go ahead and hate me. Hate everyone around you. Hate your God. Hate yourself for not saving your father.” He paused for a second, and then with a triumphant, evil grin, said, “I’ve won.”
At his words, I dropped to my father and sobbed. I had let darkness take me over completely, empty me out, and swallow me whole. And seeing Father on the ground, soaked in blood, I knew Longinus was right.
I had no fight left in me. He might as well kill me. I would let him. But thoughts of Mother carried me on. I had to fight for her.
My moan echoed through the cave.
Longinus was right. I knew agony. I knew pain. My lungs could not handle the gasps as I panted and wailed. Tears poured as I scooped Father’s head in my arms and briefly studied his battered face.
I searched for hints of the way he was before. When I could not find him, I got angrier. My eyes shifted to his punctured stomach, blood pooling around him and streaming down from the corner of his mouth. So much blood.
I had failed him.
“Father, I am here. You’re not alone.” I brought his bloody hand to my cheek and wept harder. “I’m going to kill him. I’m going to avenge your death. I swear on my life I will.”
Longinus growled, but he didn’t carry out his threat.
Warm hands rested on my shoulders. I knew them to be Jack. When Father coughed up blood, I was shocked to know he was alive. I leaned lower when he parted his lips.
“No, Jaclyn,” Father said weakly. “You have a destiny to fulfill, as I have just fulfilled mine. Hatred does not win over evil. Only love and forgiveness can.” He paused. Every word he spoke dragged out slowly and took great effort. “Promise me you’ll forgive Longinus. It’s the only way.”
“No, Father.” I shook my head vigorously.
How could he ask me such a thing? Every breath became a battle. My soul and will had been drowned in hatred. Only the will to fight fired in me, and I had no love to give to the evil monster who deserved to burn in Hell.
“Yes, Jaclyn. He needs to know love, and that there’s hope again. He must know he can be forgiven.”
“I will not, Father.” I sobbed harder.
Tears blinded me. My head throbbed, and my body trembled under the weight of the ache eating me alive. I had never known such pain, or such hatred.
When the one you love is leaving you, all the times you spent together, good and bad, run through your mind. The first time Father had lifted me and placed me on his shoulder to pick an apple from the apple tree. How he had taught me to use a weapon. The first time he had put me on a horse. All the wisdom he had preached I would cherish, all the tears he had to wipe, and even when he had scolded me—he showed me love.
“Father, Father. Please don’t leave me,” I whimpered.
“Even in death, I’ll never leave you. Find me in your heart. Promise me you’ll forgive him for he knows not what he does. It’s my last request.”
“I will. I promise.”
“Harden not your heart, Jaclyn. Love is the only way. Remember my words, Jaclyn.”
I did recall clearly. If you can forgive the flaws and see the beauty, then it is saved. Forgive and show love. It is the only way to save and to be saved. Lead with love in your heart. Then you shall shine through the deepest darkness.
“Tell your mother I love her very much, that I tried to come home.” Tears trickled down the side of his face. He coughed again, his body trembling and his hand so cold. “I’ll carry you in my heart always.” Father inhaled a sharp, deep breath. “She’s beautiful. She’s...” Then ... he took his last breath.
I’d heard when a righteous person dies, someone from their past leads them to the light of Heaven. My father had just seen his angel. He was going home.
“Father.” Tears streamed like a waterfall. “Father ... Father!” My cry poured through my heart and soul as I wrapped my arms around him. “Why?” I howled out again. “I was supposed to bring you home. How am I going to face Mother? How are we going to live without you?”
All this time, Longinus held a victorious grin as he watched me suffer. I wondered when he would strike me down.
I wanted to hate Longinus. I wanted to drive the lance through his heart. But I had promised Father, and I would break myself to fulfill his last request.
I had no idea what to do next. My will had been spent, and it took everything in me not to lose faith, but I had to do it, for Father. I did not want his death to have been in vain.
Letting go of Father, I closed his eyes. “May you find peace. I will see you one day.”
Without any reason or thought, I dug my nails into the dirt so hard my knuckles turned white. I wanted so badly to kill Longinus and give him as much pain as he had given me. But instead I crawled to face him with my head down, as if bowing before a king.
He had sent his monsters to butcher our innocent people. He didn’t deserve forgiveness, or salvation. But perhaps he couldn’t see beyond revenge because he had been so heartless, soulless, and close-minded for so long, and there was no one to help him see the light.
Was I to be the one?
I desperately fought against the violent demon inside me, wanting to burst. But what about Longinus? What was he thinking? Perhaps scheming some form of torture for me, since he had not killed me yet.
“What are you doing?”
Jack tried to pick me up. “We need to get out of here while we have the chance.”
I looked Jack squarely in the eyes. “I need to do this, please.”
I had hardly any strength left. Exhausted, watching Father’s life slip away before me, my body had shut down, but a new clarity blossomed inside me, and I knew what I had to say.
Mother’s words sang in my head. Everyone has a story to tell. We’ll see what lies ahead for you. Fate will lead you to a path you are meant to take.
I knew what I had to do, magic or no magic. I must live my own story.
Jack backed away, directing his father and the men to leave. I wanted Jack to leave, too, but I had no voice left to tell him, and I knew no matter what I’d said, he would not abandon me.
My voice did not sound like my own in my dry, hoarse throat as I sobbed. “I forgive you, Longinus.” Those three words broke whatever amount of tiny spirit I had left. They were the hardest words I’d ever spoken. But I carried on for Father, because it was his last request. “You do not know what you do. You’re bleeding in anger, vengeance, and hate. Let your heart be free so you can be free. I forgive you.”
When he did not speak, I peered up at him. His eyes widened and went wild in confusion.
“No.” He shook his head. “What do you mean? You mustn’t forgive me.” Cold anger filled his eyes. “How could you? I killed your father. You should hate me. You should want revenge. Your heart should be as cold as mine.” Still in disbelief, he continued to gape at me.
I rose and took a step toward him. “My heart is not yours. I don’t hate you. I feel sorry for you.”
“No. Stay away from me.” Longinus placed out his hand as if that could stop me.
“I forgive you, Longinus.”
He stumbled back farther. “No, you don’t. You hate me. You can’t forgive me. I don’t want it. I murdered your father before you.”
Picking up the lance, I readied it with the tip toward him. With every word spoken, I took a step as he backed away and covered his eyes.
“Free yourself, Longinus. It’s time. You and your people have suffered enough. I know you have love and good in your heart because you care for your people. Let them free for eternity; if not for yourself, then for them. Look at what you’ve done. You sent your people out to kill those who have nothing to do with your revenge. They don’t know you. They don’t understand you, but I do. Let it go.”
“I won’t.”
“Release your hatred.”
“No.” He growled.
“Release your anger.”
“Stop!”
“Release your sadness.”
“Never!”
“Release your thirst for revenge. Think about your wife and children. They miss you. They love you. They need you. They want to see you.”
He paused, looking tormented. “Jane, Matthew, Mark?” he murmured under his breath, reaching toward the lance I held in front of him.
Through the magic of the lance, he too saw his family, as I had. His irises flickered between amber and blue, then blue to amber, wavering as if they could not make up their mind.
“Jane, Matthew, and Mark are waiting for you. Ask for forgiveness. It’s the only way to set yourself free so you can go home. Find love in your heart again. Go home to your wife and children. What are you doing here, suffering for all these years?”
“Home?” His tone softened for the first time and he said the word as if it was foreign.
“Open up your heart and let me in. That is all I ask.”
Longinus dropped to his knees and covered his ears. “Forgive. It hurts. Forgive. My head hurts. My heart hurts. Forgive. Stop it. Forgive me. No—”
“You’re feeling what was once good in your soul. Find it again. Ask for forgiveness from your heart.” I brought the spear in front of his face.
“Stop. I ... I...” He curled his body into a ball, tucking his knees to his chest.
In his monster form, he still looked bigger than life. Rocking back and forth, he shouted out names and the word, “Forgive.” He babbled senseless things like the devil had taken over his mind.
I put distance between us, afraid of the unknown and what would become of Longinus. Would he burst into flames? Would he grab for me? The lance couldn’t kill him as I’d thought, making the light emitting from the lance my weapon.
Longinus was still in his beast form and had not changed. I had to continue, do something. He had to know God still cared. Though my heart was troubled for different reasons than his, we both had to let go of this deep binding hatred and revenge.
Reaching deep into my faith, I said the words we both needed to hear. “When you feel completely hopeless, let me be your light.”
“No, you cannot. I don’t want this.” He groaned as though he was in pain, twisting from side to side.
“When you are too blinded to see, I will be your eyes.”
His body thrashed, and he slammed his head on the boulder beside him over and over, as if that would prevent him from hearing my voice. As blood trickled down his forehead, he punched the boulder, one blow after another. Crimson liquid seeped through the open cuts.
“When your will has been broken, I will be your strength. And when you’ve been swallowed up by darkness, I will be your light and hold you tight and never let go.”
Longinus released a guttural, animal cry and began to claw at the wall as if to climb it. Fragments of rock showered down as he dug. Then his dagger-sharp talons began to rake his chest and face, tearing through his hair and flesh. Crimson liquid seeped through the gashes and painted the dirt.
I didn’t know if my sermon got through to him in a way I’d hoped. It certainly drove him frantic, so I preached on. “As Jesus sacrificed himself for his people, so must you do the same for yours.” I squared my shoulders and held my chin high. “I am Jaclyn, Richard’s daughter, descendant of Mary, and a child of God. I will be the salvation you seek. Be at peace and repent of your evil ways.”
With every word, I took a step closer to Longinus. With every word, my father’s love and peace overfilled me. With every word, tears streamed down my face. And with every word I felt my own words mending my heart, freeing me from my own hatred and grief.
Warmth I’d never felt before wrapped around my soul, as if love was a physical presence, and I didn’t feel so alone. And I wondered if Longinus felt the same.
Something was happening to Longinus. The only way he could change into human form was to sacrifice a sheep and drink a cup of its blood, but he hadn’t. As he shrank smaller, his claws recoiled into his paws, and his paws became his own hands and feet.
The black and brown animal hair began to shed at the same time, his face twisted and contorted. When the transformation finally ended, Longinus had turned fully human.
Longinus extended his arms with his head thrown back. “Forgive me. My life is Yours. Do as You will. Deliver me from evil.”
As soon as he spoke, the scar on his face and birthmarks on my wrists became as bright as the rising sun. Light penetrated my boots from the birthmarks on my feet. The lance vibrated in my hands—a forewarning.
Holding my breath, I awaited the unknown. Then the lance shot out from my hands and drove itself into Longinus’s left side.
At the impact, the illuminating beams from my birthmarks faded and molten-gold light glowed around Longinus, blinding me. The light flickered in colors of orange and yellow like a living flame. It did not seem possible, but his body, with the lance still lodged in his ribs, burst into fire from the inside.
After a few seconds, flames engulfed him as he smiled at me. A soft, happy, thankful smile. Then Longinus disappeared amid a flurry of ash and embers. The monsters lying dead on the ground also burst into flames.
I hoped the same happened to those still ravaging the towns.
“Thank you.” His voice, human and softened with humility, floated on the air.
I wondered if the others had heard it, too.
“May God
have mercy on your soul,” I breathed.
Finally, it ended.
With Longinus’s salvation, I knew our people were safe too.
I dropped to the floor. Great shudders of relief racked me, and I held my arms to my chest. Then I realized the ground shook, not I. The cave quaked harder by the second.
Small boulders the size of melons fell from above and crashed near me. As I threw my arms over my head, the ground started caving beneath me.
“It’s time to go,” Jack said urgently.
Snapping out of my daze, I stood, and ran with him as he held my hand. My cloudy mind slowed my movements and made me clumsy. I was thankful Jack looked after me. William’s men were gone and so were the sheep, but William stood in the distance, beckoning us with a wave of his hand.
“My father. I need to get his body.” I yanked my hand from Jack and ran the other way.
“It’s too late.” He ran after me.
I gasped as I stopped. The whole chunk of ground where Father lay had vanished. Oh, my heart. I did not think anyone could take so much pain in one day.
“I needed to say goodbye one last time. I wanted to bury him at our home, where he belonged. I wanted to bring him home. You could have at least given me that,” I cried, as if God could hear me.
God had taken my father’s life and his body, leaving me nothing of him. I wanted to curse at Him, but it was not my place, for the Bible said we do not belong to ourselves but to God alone. He gives us life, and He can take it as well.
I’d learned that though we can love our family and friends, they do not truly belong to us. We fulfill our predestined fates, and then it is our time to go.
“I’m sorry, Jaclyn. We’ll give him a burial, I promise.” Jack took my hand again.
I ran faster, jumping over the breaking ground and dodging the falling rocks.
Fear drove me to madness as the walls began to collapse. My legs buckled as I ran over the shaking ground.
Mother needed me. She could not lose both of us. Thoughts of her drove me on.
I crossed the wooden bridge just as flames began licking the other side, and I ran toward the bit of blue sky visible at the end of the cave. Finally, I inhaled fresh air.