I owned a shop in Gnaw Bone called Karma. Ham had been there. Ham knew how much work it was. Ham also knew all about my dream of having my own place, being my own boss, answering to no one, and surrounding myself with cool stuff made by cool people. He also knew it was hard work and that I put in that hard work. There were things we didn’t discuss but that didn’t mean we didn’t talk and do it deep. Not only when we were together but when one or the other of us got the itch to call. We could talk on the phone for hours and we did.
So I knew Ham, too.
I nodded. “I did try to find someone but—”
“Don’t worry about it, darlin’,” he muttered.
“Are you stayin’ in town?” I asked. “Maybe, tomorrow—”
“Headed out after this, babe.”
I nodded again, trying not to feel as devastated as I felt, an effort that was doomed to fail so it did.
“Thought you’d look different,” Ham noted and I focused on his handsome face, taking in the exquisite shape of his full lips, his dark-stubbled strong jaw, the tanned, tight skin stretching across his cheekbones, the heavy brow over those intelligent eyes that was the source of him looking not-so-vaguely threatening.
“What?” I asked.
“Got a man, you’re into him, you two got some time in, thought you’d look different.”
I forced a smile. “And how would I look different, babe?”
“Happy.”
My smile died.
Ham didn’t miss it.
His intelligent eyes grew sharp on my face. “This a good guy?”
“Yeah,” I answered. It was quick, firm, and honest.
Ham noted that, too, but that didn’t change the look in his eyes. “Gotta find a guy who makes you happy,” he told me.
I did. You, I thought.
“Greg’s sweet. He’s mellow, Ham, which I like. He’s really nice. He also really likes me and lets it show, and I like that, too. Things are going great,” I assured him.
Ham’s reply was gentle but honest, as Ham always was.
“Things might be goin’ good, Zara, but I can see it on your face, babe, they’re not goin’ great.”
“He’s a good guy,” I stressed.
“I believe you,” Ham returned. “And he’s givin’ you somethin’ you want. I’m all for that, darlin’. But you can’t settle for what you want. You gotta find what you need.”
I did. You, I thought again and found this conversation was making me slightly pissed and not-so-slightly uncomfortable.
I knew this man. I’d tasted nearly every inch of him. He’d returned the favor. I had five years with him in my life. Four months of that solid and, for me and Ham, exclusive back in the day when I was waitressing at The Dog and Ham was bartending. Four months solid of me waking up in his bed every morning from our first date to the day he left town.
Now he was advising me on what kind of man I should settle for.
I didn’t like this.
“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about Greg,” I suggested.
“Might be a good idea,” Ham replied, his attention shifting to Trudy, who set his beer on the table.
“You two ready to order?” she asked.
“Turkey and Swiss melt and chips,” I ordered.
“Buffalo burger, jack cheese, rings,” Ham said after me.
“Gotcha,” Trudy replied, snatching up the menus and then she was again off, which meant I again had Ham’s attention.
“Last thing I wanna do is piss you off, cookie,” he told me quietly.
“You didn’t piss me off,” I assured him.
“Good, ’cause, your man can handle it, I wanna find a way where I don’t lose you.”
The instant he was done speaking, I felt my throat tingle.
Oh God, we were already here. I suspected our lunch would lead us here, just not this soon.
We were at the place where I had to make a decision.
Greg wouldn’t care if Ham and I worked out a way to stay in each other’s lives. Maybe somewhere deep inside Greg would mind that I kept an ongoing friendship with an ex-lover but I’d be surprised if he’d let that show. Even so, I wouldn’t want to do something like that to him.
So that was a consideration.
But also, I had to decide if I could live with even less from Ham than I had before.
No decision, really.
I couldn’t. I knew it. I’d known it for ages because I couldn’t even live with the little bits of him that he already gave me. I just told myself I could so I wouldn’t lose even those little bits.
And, knowing this, finally admitting it, killed me.
“I don’t think I could do that to Greg, darlin’,” I told him carefully and watched his eyes flare.
“So this is it,” he stated.
That was all he gave me. An eye flare and confirmation that he got that this was it. I swallowed past the lump in my throat.
“This is it,” I confirmed.
“Do me a favor,” he said, then kept talking before I could get a word in. “Don’t lose my number.”
That knife pushed deeper.
“Ham—” I started.
He shook his head. “You change yours, you call me. I change mine, I’ll call you. We don’t gotta talk. But don’t break that connection, cookie.”
“I don’t think—”
“Five years, babe, through that shit your parents pulled on you. You breakin’ your wrist. Your girl gettin’ cancer. We’ve seen a lot. Don’t break that connection.”
We had seen a lot. He might not always have been there in person but he was always just a phone call away, even if he was hundreds of miles away.
I closed my eyes and looked down at the table.
“Zara, baby, look at me,” he urged and I opened my eyes and turned to him. “Don’t break our connection.”
“It was always you,” I found myself whispering, needing to get it out, give it to him so I could let it go.
I watched his chin jerk back, his face go soft, and then he closed his eyes.
He wasn’t expecting that, which also killed. He had to know. I’d given him more than one indication over five freaking years.
Maybe he was in denial. Maybe he didn’t care. Maybe he just didn’t want that responsibility.
Now, it didn’t matter.
“Ham, baby, look at me,” I urged. He opened his eyes and there was sadness there. “I won’t break our connection,” I promised.
The last thing I had to give, I’d give it.
For Graham Reece, I’d give anything.
Unfortunately, he didn’t want it.
“Not that man,” he said gently.
“I know,” I told him.
“Not just you, cookie, know that. I’m just not that man.”
“I know, honey.”
“Also not the man who wants to walk away from this table not knowin’ his girl is gonna be happy.”
He needed to stop.
“I’ll be happy,” I replied.
“You’re not being very convincing,” Ham returned.
“Broke ground on my house last week, Ham. It’s sweet,” I told him and watched surprise move over his features. “Great views,” I went on. “Roomy. Got a good guy who thinks the world of me.” I leaned toward him. “I need to move on, honey.” I swallowed again and felt my eyes sting before I finished. “I need to be free to find my happy.”
After I was done delivering that, Ham studied me with intense eyes for long moments that made my splintering heart start to fall apart.
Finally, he stated, “I could never give that to you, baby.”
You’re wrong. For four months, you gave me everything. Then you left and took it away, I thought.
“I know,” I said.
“Want with everything for you to find it,” he told me.
“I will, Ham.”
“Don’t settle, cookie.”
“I won’t.”
I saw his jaw clench but his eyes didn’t let mine go.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I should have said this over the phone. I wasn’t ready then. I hadn’t… well…” I lifted my hands, flipped them out, and then rested them on the table. “Whatever. I shouldn’t have made you come out of your way—”
Ham interrupted me. “You gave me the brush-off without me seein’ your pretty face, that would piss me off, Zara. I’d come out of my way for you any time you needed it. You know that.”
I did. It always confused me but I knew it.
“Yeah, I know that, Ham.”
“Him in your life, he fucks you over, it goes bad, it doesn’t and you still need me, you’ll have my number and that always holds true.”
Really, he had to stop.
“Okay, Ham.”
“It’ll suck, walkin’ away from you.”
I looked at the table.
“But, one thing I always wanted is for you to be happy,” he continued.
I looked at him.
“You mean the world to me, cookie,” he finished.
So why? my thoughts screamed.
“You, too, darlin’,” I replied.
He reached a hand across the table and wrapped it around mine.
We held on tight as we held each other’s eyes.
Then we let go when Trudy came with a refill of my drink.
* * *
Half an hour later…
“Go,” Ham ordered.
We were standing on the boardwalk outside The Mark. My shop was a ways down the boardwalk, same side.
Now was the time.
This was truly it.
And I didn’t want to go.
Tears flooded my eyes.
“Ham, I—”
“Zara, go,” he demanded.
I pressed my lips together.
Suddenly, his hand shot up and curled around the side of my neck. His head came down and his lips were crushing mine.
I opened them.
His tongue darted inside.
I lifted a hand to curl it around his wrist at my neck, arched into him, and melted into his kiss, committing the smell, feel, and taste of him to memory.
And Ham let me, kissing me hard, wet, and long. A great kiss. A sad kiss. A kiss not filled with promise of good things to come, a kiss filled with the bitter knowledge of good-bye.
We took from each other until we both tasted my tears.
Just as suddenly, his hand and mouth were gone and he’d taken half a step away.
It felt like miles.
“Go.” His voice was jagged.
He didn’t want to lose me.
Why? my thoughts screamed.
“Bye, Ham,” I whispered.
He jerked up his chin.
I turned away, concentrating on walking down the boardwalk to my shop, ignoring anyone who might be around, and trying to ignore the feel of Ham’s eyes burning holes into my back.
I didn’t get relief until I turned to my shop, unlocked the door, and pushed inside.
No. The truth was, I didn’t get relief at all, not that day, that week, that year, or ever.
Because I’d walked away from the love of my life.
And he let me.
Chapter One
Ax Murderer
Three years later…
I sat cross-legged on my couch, pressed the tiny arrow on the screen of my phone, and put it to my ear.
Again.
“Zara? I, uh… signed the papers. Took them to George. It’s, uh… done. I, well, uh… just wanted you to know. Okay? I just…” Long pause, then, quieter, “Wanted you to know. I’ll, uh… I guess I’ll, um… see you around.”
I closed my eyes when I got silence.
Greg.
He’d signed the divorce papers.
It was done.
Shit, we were over.
The end.
I’d done what I never wanted to do. Never thought I would do. Hell, never thought I had it in me to do.
I’d broken a man.
I sucked in a breath through my nose, brought the phone down, and forced myself to lean forward, grab my remote, and turn on the TV rather than listen to the voice mail.
Again.
The news flashed on and I made myself pay attention to it.
Now, tonight’s top story, the newsman said. Dennis Lowe, the man who has been on a multistate killing spree, his chosen weapon an ax, was shot dead in the home of one of his victims by law enforcement officers today. After a short standoff with the FBI and local police, officers entered the house where Lowe was holding three women hostage. One hostage, Susan Shepherd, is in stable condition in a hospital in Indianapolis.
“Holy crap,” I mumbled. “An ax?”
A picture of a relatively good-looking—strangely, considering his chosen weapon was a freaking ax—mild-mannered-appearing man flashed on the screen behind the newscaster.
Lowe’s body count right now is unknown, although four murders are confirmed as being attributed to him. However, there’s a possibility that his victims number at least seven, with murders in Colorado and Oklahoma, and another man today in Indiana, suspected of being Lowe’s gruesome handiwork. In addition to Ms. Shepherd, a police officer and a bartender in Brownsburg, Indiana, were severely injured during the kidnapping of one of Lowe’s hostages, February Owens. Ms. Owens was allegedly the object of Lowe’s obsession and the reason behind his grisly spree. In Texas, Graham Reece, until today the only survivor of Lowe’s attacks, was released from police protective custody.
My breath became painfully stuck as I stared at Ham on the screen, looking hugely pissed and wearing a sling holding his left arm tight to his chest, prowling to his silver F-350. Reporters were crowding him, bright lights in his angry, hard face. You could see the reporters’ mouths moving but Ham’s was tight.
The news anchor droned on as I dropped the remote to my lap, fumbled with my phone, and flipped through my contacts.
As promised, I’d kept Ham’s phone number. I had not changed mine so, luckily, this meant I had not had to contact him.
He had also never contacted me.
For three years.
He was listed as Z Graham Reece because that would make him the only Z I had in my phone and it would, therefore, make it so I wouldn’t ever have to see his name accidentally as I scrolled through my contacts.
But right then, I went directly to the Zs hit his name, hit his number, and put the phone to my ear.
It rang four times while I breathed so heavily I was panting, at the same time despairing that Ham might not pick up.
Then I heard, “Zara?”
As promised, he kept my number, too.
I thought this at the same time a lot of other thoughts clashed violently in my head.
Therefore, the only response to his greeting I was capable of was to chant, “Oh God. Oh fuck. Oh shit. God, God, God.”
“Cookie,” he whispered.
At that, I burst into tears.
“I take it you’ve seen the news,” he remarked.
I made a loud hiccoughing noise, which was the only ability I had at that moment to answer his question in the affirmative.
Ham understood me.
“Honey, I’m okay,” he assured me gently.
I pulled in a breath that broke around five times and then I forced out a wobbly, “Ax murderer.”
“Yeah, sick fuck,” Ham told me.
That was all he had to say?
Sick fuck?
So at that, I shrieked, “Ham, you were attacked by an ax murderer! That shit doesn’t happen. Ever!”
“Zara, baby, I’m okay,” he stated firmly.
“Oh God. Oh shit. Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I chanted.
Ham said nothing.
With effort, I pulled myself together and asked, “You’re okay?”
“Said that twice, babe,” he replied quietly.
“You sure?” I pushed.
“Zara, darlin’, no fun havin’ some guy come at you with an ax but he’s very dead and I am not so,
yeah. I’m sure.”
I gave that a second to move through and slightly calm me before I muttered, “Okay.”
Ham again said nothing.
Suddenly, I was rethinking this call, the first time I’d spoken with him in three years.
A lot had happened to me. Nothing as big as being attacked by an ax murderer but it did include marriage, divorce, and a lot of other not-so-fun stuff.
I no longer knew Ham. He no longer knew me.
Sure, any girl who’d been in love with a man who was attacked by an ax murderer would want to call to make sure he was okay.
Then, that girl should think again and maybe not make that call the day her now ex-husband signed their divorce papers, a day that was just one day in months of super-shitty days, each one leading toward the likely outcome that her life was going straight down the toilet.
Or, perhaps, she shouldn’t make that call ever.
Finally, Ham spoke.
“Are you okay?”
“Ham, darlin’, no fun havin’ a guy you care about show up on the TV while they’re reporting on the multistate killing spree of a freaking ax murderer but he’s very dead and you’re not so, yeah. I guess I’m okay.”
“Okay,” he replied and I could hear the smile in his voice.
God, I missed him.
Shit, I missed him.
This was a bad idea.
“Talked to Jake,” he stated unexpectedly and I knew right then for certain this was a bad idea.
Jake worked at The Dog. Jake had worked at The Dog for ages. Jake was installed behind the bar at The Dog in a way that everyone knew he wasn’t going to leave.
It wasn’t just about longevity in the job. It was about the fact that The Dog could get crowded and rowdy, which meant he got good tips. I suspected it was also mostly because it got crowded and rowdy, half that rowdy crowd was female and drunk, so Jake also got a lot of action.
Jake was a Gnaw Bone native, like me. And, in his position of working at the bar in town where the locals frequented, Jake knew more of what was going down in Gnaw Bone than the police did.
So that meant, if Jake talked to Ham, Ham knew about me and Greg.
“Ham—”
“Says you split up with your man.”
Okay, totally certain this was a bad idea.
And totally certain that, when I could next afford to buy a drink at The Dog, I was going to drink it and then throw my glass at big-mouth Jake.