Jake put both of his hands on my trembling arms causing my conflicting emotions to assault one another. Lust was winning by a thread. “It’s okay to feel nervous, Nina. You’re not supposed to be comfortable. Stop trying to fight it and just let those feelings be there.”
When he let go of me, my body craved the return of his touch. I just wanted him to hold me until this disastrous feeling passed or until we got out of that train car. Trying to calm myself, I focused on a baby who was sitting on her mother. If she could do this, I could. She smiled at me, and I smiled back.
He was looking at me, but my shame kept me from making eye contact. I was still shivering while holding onto a pole. It was difficult to accept the uncomfortable feelings instead of fighting them. The train swayed, and I couldn’t tell if it was the normal movement of the vessel or my skewed perception due to nerves.
I jumped when Jake grabbed my chin forcing my eyes on his. “How are you doing?”
“Fine. I just want this to be over.”
“Our stop is next.” He smiled.
Immediate relief washed over me upon hearing that, and the last few minutes of the ride were somewhat bearable because there was now a light at the end of the tunnel.
When the train stopped at the 8th Avenue station, I followed Jake out of the car. My breathing immediately slowed, and I felt on top of the world. I was free.
Turning to me on the platform, he smiled and said, “You’re still with us. Was that so bad?”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “It was about what I expected, but I am glad it’s over. Can we take a cab home now?”
He stared at me silently for several seconds before leading me through the turnstiles and up the stairs to the streets of Manhattan. The noise and smells of the city were a stark contrast to the dark subway station. I hoped, at least, he was taking me somewhere fun.
“Jake? Where are we going?”
He stopped short in front of a Chinese restaurant. The scent of roasting chickens and MSG was nauseating. He turned around to me as swarms of people rushing home from work brushed past us. “Nina…”
Then, I had a light bulb moment, looking at the large backpack he said contained supplies and my heart sank.
“The subway. That wasn’t the exercise…it was just a means to get here. You’re taking me somewhere now, aren’t you?”
Jake nodded. “You need to trust me, okay?”
Panic started to build all over again. The sounds of car horns from the street seemed to get louder as my nerves became sensitized.
I licked my lips nervously as we walked side by side through the sidewalks of New York.
I turned my head to him as we continued walking at a fast pace. “Where are you taking me, Jake? Tell me!”
“If I tell you, you are gonna overreact. Just wait until we get there, and remember what I said. I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to you.”
“What if I can’t do it?”
“You always have a choice. But if you choose to back away from this, our deal is off. In the end, you know you’d only be letting yourself down.”
As we walked in silence for about three more blocks, he stopped in front of a high-rise apartment building. “Here we are.”
I hesitated before following him into the front door. A friendly-looking heavyset man greeted us and smacked hands with Jake.
“Jake, my man, how goes it?” He smiled.
“Good, good, Vinny. This is my friend, Nina.”
Vinny stuck out his hand. “Nina, it’s a pleasure.”
“Same here,” I said.
Jake turned to Vinny. “We still good to go?”
“Yeah, man. No problem at all. Take as long as you need.”
“Thanks, Vin. I’ll owe you one.” Jake turned to me. “Come on.”
“Who is he?”
“An old friend. He manages the building.”
Jake led me through the foyer and down a hallway. I knew where this was heading, and it was not good. We stopped in front of an elevator, and he pushed the up button.
This was my absolute worst nightmare. I pleaded with him. “Jake, listen, I don’t know if Ryan ever said anything, but this whole thing…all of my problems…they started in an elevator. It was where my first panic attack happened. I was in high school and got stuck in one and—”
“All the more reason to get past that. If you get in one right now, you can help undo the damage created by your own mind.”
I grabbed his arm and begged. “Please…I’ll do anything else but this.” My eyes were beginning to well up.
When the door opened, he stuck his hand inside to keep it from closing. When he looked back at me, he noticed I was starting to cry.
“Fuck. Nina, don’t cry. Come on, I promise you that nothing will happen to you in there.”
I shook my head and covered my face to mask my tears. I was disappointed in myself for reacting this way, but this was too big of a leap to take so soon. Just the sight of that death box made me want to run far away. I couldn’t imagine having to set foot in it.
He threw his backpack into the elevator and continued to stand in the opening, holding the door open one with of his hands and reaching the other out for me to take.
I considered running. I considered pretending to pass out. I considered screaming for help. In the end though, I looked into Jake’s eyes, deciding to trust him and took his hand, letting him pull me into the elevator. He tried to release me, but I grabbed onto his hand tighter.
“Leave the door open,” I demanded.
“Okay. We can take this slow.”
Jake kept his hand on the open door button. “You tell me when you are ready to take a ride.”
“I won’t ever be ready. Don’t you understand? I won’t ever be ready for that door to close.”
“Then you need to let me decide when, okay? You trust me, Nina?”
I looked at his pleading eyes and squeezed his hand tighter.
Why did he care? Why did he want to do this for me?
“I probably shouldn’t trust you, Jake, but the truth is, I do. I am just scared.”
I knew I had to do this. If I couldn’t do this today, with this crazy guy who was willing to help me through it, I would never be able to do it myself. It was only getting worse over time. Even if it killed me, I knew I had to let him close that door.
“Nina, I’m going to let the doors close now, okay?”
I nodded silently and watched as he took his finger off of the button. When the doors closed completely, I began to shake uncontrollably. Memories of the last time I was in an elevator flashed through my mind.
He pushed a button, and as the elevator began to rise up, I instinctively leaned into him, holding on for dear life. I could feel his chest tighten as my nails dug into him, and I closed my eyes, breathing in his scent to calm my nerves. I was terrified and didn’t care how foolish I looked. I needed him to hold onto me, because it felt like I was going pass out.
“You’re doing good,” he whispered into my ear, which was right under his mouth. “Look. We’re on fifty now.”
I shook my head, which was buried in his armpit. “Don’t tell me! I don’t want to know how high we are.”
My heart was pounding against him for at least a minute.
Jake tapped me. “Nina, you did it. We reached the eightieth floor.” He released me from his grip, and I was still breathing heavily as the doors opened. “You want to walk around up here for a bit or do you wanna go right back down?”
“Go back down. Please,” I urged. I just wanted to get this over with.
“You got it,” he said as he pressed the down button, and the doors closed.
I started to calm down a bit. I just had to keep myself from hyperventilating or fainting on the way down, and I could make it out of this box alive. I clutched his shirt again, using him for support. I could feel his breath and smell the mint gum he was chewing.
I peeked at the numbers and saw sixty-five, sixty-four, sixty-three, six
ty-two, and then it happened: a massive jolt as the elevator came to an abrupt halt.
The rush of panic that swept through me in that second was the most overpowering I had ever experienced, and my body burned up like a fire had started inside.
I screamed.
“Jake! Jake? We’re stuck! What’s happening? What’s happening?”
“Shh.” He was hushing me to calm me down, and it took me a few seconds to notice his relaxed expression…and that his hand was on the stop button.
“Please tell me…you…did not just stop this elevator?”
“Calm down, Nina. Calm dow—”
I smacked him in the chest with all of my might.
“The fuck, Nina. Stop!” he yelled as he grabbed my hands and locked them together in his palms. He was strong, and I stood no chance of freeing them. He blocked access to the buttons as he held my hands together.
I was panting. “You told me you wouldn’t force me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. I am begging you…to move this elevator…now!”
He squeezed my hands, securing them even more firmly in his grasp. “Nina, calm down. It’s okay. Don’t you see you have to stick this out? You have to pass through the moment of panic. If you can get past that and see that nothing happens, you can do anything.”
“I don’t want to. It’s not worth it!”
“What’s not worth it?”
“Experiencing this…these horrible feelings!” I felt like I was starting to hyperventilate as my breath became impossible to catch.
“Nothing is actually happening to you right now. It’s you and me standing here. That’s it. It’s all in your mind.” He let go of my hands and cupped my face. “Look at me.” He looked into my eyes and I could only imagine the freak he saw looking back at him. He inched closer and despite my nerves, my legs tingled when I felt his breath on my mouth as he said, “If you make me push that button, the deal’s off.”
“Fine…deal’s off…do it. Now!”
He released his hands from my face then stood in front of the buttons, crossing his arms. He shook his head vehemently. “No.”
“Jake…push the button.”
“No. You’d be back at square one. You have to get over this, and the only way is to experience it. I’m not letting you give up that easily.”
I began screaming for help and tried to nudge him away from the panel, but he was too strong, so I punched the back wall in frustration.
I was shaking, felt defeated and said under my breath, “Fuck me! I can’t believe this.”
“Well, that’s one way we could pass the time, but I don’t make a habit of doing that with women in the midst of a hyperventilation episode. It’s too confusing…hard to tell what’s actually causing the heavy breathing.”
I stifled a laugh but tried not to let him see it. “Very funny,” I said.
“I was kidding, of course. Just trying to make you laugh, but apparently it’s not working,” he said as he continued to stand against the panel, his criss-crossed, tattooed arms not budging.
I walked over to the other side of the elevator and slid down to the floor. I hugged myself, rocking back and forth in an effort to calm my panic. With my eyes closed, I could hear the sound of Jake opening the zipper of his backpack and tried to imagine I was somewhere else, anywhere but stuck in this death trap.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Several minutes passed in silence, as I kept my head down in a fetal position. I was beginning to calm down a tiny bit when it happened: what sounded like an explosion.
Sheer terror ensued as I jumped and screamed simultaneously. When I looked over at Jake, he was on the ground laughing hysterically, covered in foam, holding…a bottle of champagne.
Son of a bitch.
“Jake! What the hell? What THE hell?”
Champagne dripped down the bottle that he held above our heads. “We’re celebrating!”
“You are sick!”
“We are celebrating your survival, Nina! It’s been twelve minutes and thirty-three seconds since this elevator stopped, and you are still alive.”
His antics only got worse when he produced two champagne flutes from the backpack, followed by a small blanket, which he fluffed dramatically before placing it down onto the middle of the floor.
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like we’re doing? We’re having a picnic.”
He then took out an iPod, speaker and a bunch of food from Trader Joe’s: crackers, hummus and chocolate covered cherries.
“You are not serious!”
“Dead serious. We need to change your negative connotation of elevators. The last time you were in this situation, you associated it with darkness and misery. Now, the next time you get stuck in one, you’ll think of the amazeballs picnic we’re gonna have.”
Jake poured the champagne into the two glasses and handed me one. I didn’t extend my hand. “You’re being a jackass.”
He glared at me. “You can take it, or I can drink it all. Then, you’ll just be stuck in this elevator with a drunk jackass.”
I let out a sigh and reluctantly took the glass. He began opening the packages of food he brought and popped a chocolate covered cherry into his mouth. “These are awesome. Try one,” he said as he handed me the container. I had no appetite but took one and ate it. He was right. It was delicious.
I shook my head as I realized that, for a few seconds, he had really distracted me, and I had stopped focusing on the potential for disaster. I had been living in the moment without even realizing it. While not gone entirely, the fear had somewhat subsided in the midst of this absurd setup.
I stayed quiet in my corner of the elevator and rolled my eyes as Jake spread some hummus onto a cracker and ate it. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any more bizarre, he started fiddling with his iPod, connecting it to a speaker. It took me a few seconds to realize what song he had played: Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty.
That jerk! I started to laugh and covered my mouth.
Jake, who had been serious for the most part, aside from the champagne popping, also started to crack up when he saw he had broken through my bitterness.
“Nina Kennedy. Is that a laugh I hear? Are you seriously making light of this dangerous and life threatening situation we are in? Shame on you!”
I began to laugh even harder, and he threw a cherry at me as he flashed a wicked grin.
“Jake, you are nuts, you know that?”
“Oh! Speaking of nuts…” He lifted his finger and reached into his backpack. “You need to sample my nuts, Nina. Try these.” He snickered knowing he had succeeded in embarrassing me. “Why are you blushing?”
Laughing, I said, “I don’t want to taste your nuts, thanks.” When he handed me the container anyway, I looked at it and said, “Chocolate covered brazil nuts? I have never had these.” I took one and ate it. “Mmm. They are good.”
His smile shone through the glass as he sipped more champagne. “See?”
Several minutes passed as we joked around while listening to the music, picking at the food and finishing off the champagne. My fear level had gone down even more significantly.
I shook my head again as I realized that the next song on Jake’s “terrorize Nina” playlist was Stuck in the Middle with You by Stealer’s Wheel.
“You like that, huh?” he laughed.
I shook my head, just staring at him in awe. “You’re crazy…but you know what? I am not panicking anymore, so there is something to this.”
He winked. “Good girl.”
Something about the way he said that made me shiver. I knew I must be calming down because my body suddenly became hyperaware of him.
Lust was winning again.
More carefully selected songs played one after the other as we continued to eat, and since my nerves were desensitizing, I had begun taking notice of all the other things I had been missing, like, how incredible he smelled. This time, it was just the cologne without the ci
garettes. His hair was perfectly styled and gelled. The fitted tee he wore under the plaid shirt hugged his chest. The sleeves were rolled up, showing off his strong forearms. I looked closely at the colored tats on his right arm, unable to decipher what they all meant. He was wearing black jeans and black Converse sneakers. His feet were laid out next to me, and they were large, maybe size eleven. That reminded me of his hand and how big and warm it felt when he held my hand on the subway trip.
He smelled good enough to eat.
Jake interrupted my thoughts. “Earth to Nina!”
I blinked. “Hi.”
“Have you had your fill?
I shook my head. “Excuse me?”
“Should I put this stuff away?”
“Oh…yeah…um…yes.”
I laid my head back on the elevator wall, exhausted from my earlier self-induced panic episode. I was not completely calm by any means but was surprised to know that sticking it out actually did work. I had been sure that if I couldn’t escape a terrifying situation, I would faint or even die from the panic. The feelings really do subside eventually. And if you can reach that point, it’s actually exhilarating. What goes up must come down, I guess.
Jake had just about finished putting the items back into his backpack when the music changed. He joined me in leaning his head against the back wall and closed his eyes. He was sitting far away from me and I ached for him to move closer. The tone of this new song was completely different from the other ones. It was mellow with very little instruments. The female singer had a soothing, folksy voice. It was unfamiliar, but the words were breathtaking. The song was about a woman who gets stuck in an elevator with a stranger she was wary of initially, but he really grows on her, and she starts to fall for him, realizing eventually that their getting stuck together was meant to be and magical.
I opened my eyes to look over at Jake, who still had his eyes closed. “Who sings this?” I asked.
“It’s a song I found online called Stuck in the Elevator by Edie Brickell. You like it?”
“Yeah. I do.”
“Good.”
“You’re still insane, though.”
He opened his eyes, turned to me and smiled. His dimples completely did me in at that point. Then he closed his eyes again listening to the song, and once again, I got to look at his handsome face in peace, without his knowing. His nose was perfect, not too big and not too small. His lips were crimson and the lower one with the lip ring was slightly more prominent. I noticed that his dark lashes were much longer than mine.