Chapter 22
Penny Banger
“Well, Jake,” said Prince Jake, recovering. “That’s got rid of her! It appears you are now debt free so you can return to earth immediately. We will unfortunately have to abandon our plan to jointly cop the lot. But by using the time retarder we can put you back at the time and place you started from. You will arrive only a few hours of earth time after you left! Congratulations! Your internet debt has been paid and you are no longer under the thrall of your Internet provider!” He turned to Alaric, “By the way, what has happened to the Entry Structures? We were supposed to commence spotting from a structure in Scotland, somewhere near McBlaney station? But we actually arrived in Australia near Lilydale. Those Ozro dwarves apparently constructed two Underground structures and the one in Australia is being investigated by the UFO mob. What has happened to the Entry Structure in the north, in Scotland?”
“Still there, Your Majesty. Close to McBlaney station. It is a desolate spot so I believe it will be left to gradually rot away.”
Prince Jake: “Well, Jake, you have come out of this well! Out of debt and out of thrall! A good outcome!”
“I may no be out of thrall but I have not copped the lot!” said Jake feverishly. “Surely, you know how it feels! This gnawing hunger! To be the immortal lad who copped the lot. What about a proper Royal thanks? What about a portable time machine, a transmitting camera, a load of old banknotes and small change, a universal Shed Pass, a universal meal ticket valued at any station cafe and brand new spotters ABC’s -- for all four British regions?”
He thought for a moment and then rushed on.
“And ABC’s for all the other countries, going back as far as possible. I will set the absolute limit! Copping the lot from the first edition of every ABC to the final editions! And you do not have to be left out! As I cop the lot you can share the glory! You can give me a transmitter so I will send back videos as I get the cops. You will also cop the lot in absteria!”
“Also?” said Prince Jake. “I will also cop the lot? By watching videos! That is obviously cheating and I am the Prince! If anyone is to cop the lot it must be me! I would remind you that you are the penny banger!”
“What does that mean, the Penny Banger?” said Jake.
Alaric: “It means you were to be sacrificed if the Prince was threatened! The ultimate role of a Knight of the Oval Table. To commit Hari Kari! To offer his life for the royal person.”
“Sacrificed!” said Jake. “Offer my life for the royal person? Hari Kari! Hari Bullshit! I have never agreed to that!”
Alaric looked distressed.
“Your Majesty!” he said to the Prince. “Jake is still a commoner! He has no knowledge of knightly protocol. He should be sent back to Earth and left to stew.”
Prince Jake meditated on this suggestion.
Finally, he summoned two guards. Jake was pinioned and carried into a robot driven vehicle. It had appeared in a small bay abutting the room. Prince Jake raised one hand in salute as Jake was pushed aboard.
The vehicle whizzed off into what started as darkness but rapidly became a kaleidoscope of violent light and sound. After what seemed to be hours of this nauseous display, and a strong feeling that he would be horribly sick, Jake found himself back inside the Large Hadron Collidor beneath the Cerne Nuclear Facility. He now recalled getting into a similar floating car before his wild adventure began. He climbed out shakily.
The robot vehicle vanished into the curve of the Accelerator tunnel. There was a muffled explosion as it disappeared from Universe Zero.
Chapter 23
Scotch Hop
Jake’s form teacher, Mr “Toothy” Slack then appeared from an alcove. He was grinning from ear to ear, clearly demonstrating why he carried the knickname “Toothy” Slack. “Ah, there you are, Boyle,” he said. He seemed immensely relieved. “We have all been searching for you! I thought you had been kidnapped! Or swallowed by a mini black hole! Or that your Internet service company had located you and knocked you off for non payment of your debt! Your body could have been stuffed somewhere in the tunnel or possibly used to generate experimental particles! I was actually about to phone your parents in Nepal and alert them to your disappearance! Not that I could have contacted them as on last report they were both two thirds of the way up K2, following an exciting new route. Anyway, you are back and I have news! An anonymous benefactor has paid your internet debt in full! Summons withdrawn! You are free!”
But was Jake still wanted by the UFO Army?
He asked “Toothy” Slack.
Jake: “Has there been any kind of search for an alien?”
Mr Slack: “There was something on the radio about an alien, this morning. Another UFO flap and a military outfit looking for aliens. There were supposed to be alien spies living under an oak tree in Chirnside Park! There was a huge sum offered for information leading to the arrest of “Jake Windsor”, an alien who apparently has huge ears and is armed with some kind of alien weapon! I immediately thought of your Internet gaming name! The announcement was a few hours ago!”
A few hours!
The time machine had worked correctly.
Weeks of action had been compressed into a few hours!
“Toothy” Slack continued: “ It was all rubbish!”
“Yes, all rubbish,” said Jake. He thought: “The kind of rubbish that can get you imprisoned by an Elvish Princess who has turned into a computer.The kind of rubbish that gets your head festooned with massive ears, pursued by trainee wizards and entire army divisions. Rubbish that carries the definite possibility of being put in front of a firing squad.”
But the important thing now was that he had his own ears back. And his massive internet debt had been paid, presumably by the elves Royal Mint. He was back to normal. He was free of debt and yet…… he was not free of a nasty compulsion which he had somehow picked up. A compulsion to cop the lot, to spot every named steam engine! To underline every namer in his ABC! An ABC which he still clutched in his hand. Once completed, with every namer underlined, it was an ABC which would be shown to cheering crowds of schoolboys! Examined in detail by officials from Railway Magazine who would marvel at his dedication and sheer talent. The editor would feature pages of namers,photographs and notes giving details of every cop! And pictures of himself, sooty and disheveled but standing in a grand pose. The lad who copped the lot!
But how? It was now 2015. The the bulk of his steam engine quarry had vanished many years ago! Hundreds of beautiful steam namers, wantonly destroyed in the name of progress! He could now only spot the handful which remained.. He could cop the remaining lot. But was it enough? What about the namers already sent to the breakers yards, cut with welding torches, smashed into raw metal, melted down to become consumer goods!
Copping the Lot meant seeing all the namers as they had been, complete and perfect, smelling of coal, smoke and steam, rolling past with grace and thunder, pulling immensely long trains Only that could slake his raging thirst! But now he was trapped. Trapped in time! Even now the Princess was probably cooking up some new plan. Plotting to get herself back to earth with a time machine. To beat her brother and smash his puny human assistant! And the royal cow would be fully equipped! Special camping gear, food machines, portable loo, a robot maid to help with bathing, make up, etc. Recording robots to keep notes and make vids. She would not want to spot in poverty! Only the best for her! Finally she would cop the lot! Which meant, of course, that she would be….
The girl who copped the lot!
What a horrible thought!
Somehow that possibility must be averted. Jake had finally realized his sacred duty. Fate had put him into the position of representing all boys on earth and elsewhere! The person who copped the lot must be a boy! Somehow, he must get a time machine, a universal shed pass, a su
itcase full of money and a set of ABC’s for every year back to whenever…
There must be a way!
Could he find a time machine somewhere? An experimental model? There was risk. In an experimental time machine he might finish up in a black hole. He might get crunched, fried, flash frozen or eaten by a giant worm! Yet it was a risk he had to take!
He must get back to his computer! Get cracking.
1) Search for time machine projects.
2) Volunteer to be a test pilot.
3) Get a load of old British currency.
4) Get back to 1968 and hide the machine in a secure place
5) Cop the lot for 1968! That would mean all four regions.
6) Retrieve the time machine and go back five years. Cop the lot.
7) Repeat until he arrived at the time where railways began!
8) Return to the present and publish his results in Railway Magazine.
Fast forward…
Jake was now sitting in his room at his Swiss hotel. He had been feverishly surfing the Internet, looking for time travel projects. Then his investigation s were interrupted when a hotel employee knocked on the door and told him that he had to pack for his flight back to Australia. This message brought a flurry of activity from Jake. He had no intention of returning to Australia when he could make a start on his ambition. He could at least cop all the remaining steam namers in Britain.
Jake rapidly filled a backpack, pushed his notebook computer into its special compartment and stuffed his passport, money, ABC’s and other vital documents into his pockets. He left the hotel by climbing down the fire escape and getting a cab on the main road nearby. A few hours later he was in London. Now he needed somewhere to live while he commenced spotting all the remaining British namers. In his spare time he could then work out how to get a time machine in order to complete his full mission. He suddenly had an idea. Prince Jake had asked about a second underground building in Scotland. Apparently the elves did everything in duplicate, A second underground hideout had been constructed by the dwarves close to…where was it? MacBlaney Railway Station.. It must be still there! It would contain food supplies and drinks. They were probably all bottled or tinned so they would still be OK.
Jake had enough money to buy a ticket to MacBlaney.
Jake purched a packet of chips, a hot dog and some pop.
A short time later he was dozing on a fast electric train which took him up the East Coast Main line at 125mph. At Edinburgh he changed trains. He was now obliged to request a stop at MacBlaney. Finally he reached that remote station. Jake stepped onto the platform. He watched his train move smoothly away. Its lights faded into the semi darkness of the moor which closed in with an eerie feeling. Jake shivered but then pulled on his backpack and started walking alongside the track.
Despite keeping a sharp lookout, he almost missed the entrance he was seeking.. He actually found it marked by a large rock. The entrance was overgrown with thistles and blackberries. Eventually, Jake forced his way through the undergrowth and clambered down the rocky staircase inside. At last he felt safe. He was home! Jake fumbled in the darkness at the top of the steps and found a switch. He pressed it, reflecting on the fact that it might have been a good idea to buy matches and candles. But the lights suddenly came on! The Elvish power source was still working!
Jake dropped his gear and started rummaging. He found tins of beans, canned sausages and several bottles of Twisty Water! Moving to the Jakechen,Jake found a duplicate heater and a food input device. He would lack for nothing! He was able to serve a satisfying dinner. He was not yet in 1982 but he could train spot on the line next door, collect what came through and work at it.
He dusted off the sheets and climbed into the bunk.
He snuggled down.
But he had only dozed for a few moments when the quiet of his refuge was broken. A Multiverse taxi materialized in the corridor with a loud roar and a dazzling display of frenzied lights. Prince Jake had arrived! The taxi vanished as Jake braced himself for some kind of attack! But the Elf Prince was totally remorseful! He had treated Jake badly! It was due to the stress of discovering that he had been in several parts and needed reassembly! But now he wanted to atone! To retrieve his royal honor. He had secured a time machine! With it, everything would go perfectly. Prince Jake suggested they should spot LNER,1952.
They would jointly cop the lot (spot all the LNER namers.)
If Prince Jake was caught, Jake would not need to commit Hari Kari because Prince Jake had a demogifier which would take him directly to the nearest Multiverse Express station so he could travel back to Central Power. Jake would have to look after himself but as he would carry the Time Machine that should not be a problem!
The time travelling spotters then split up their belongings. Prince Jake said he normally had a royal assistant who would carry his money. He asked Jake to carry the Royal Purse. It contained five hundred pounds which Jake put in his wallet. Prince Jake was already packed and it took only a few moments for Jake to refill his rucksack.
They were ready to rumble.
They climbed up the rough staircase and trudged trackside to McBlaney station, crunching through loose gravel. It was now very early in the morning, around 2am. The railway was deserted, with only a signal light shining some distance away.The surrounding moors were bleak and eerie. Fog roiled around in the distance. An owl hooted mournfully. They walked through a damp, dark tunnel under the railway. Their footsteps echoed. The tunnel walls dripped. They climbed a staircase up to the platform. A stifled cough caught Jake’s attention and he spotted a young man wearing a kilt and a deerstalker hat. The man was slumped on a platform seat, apparently asleep. The hat covered his features. He ignored them .
“Since the time machine is only programmed to project two people,” said Prince Jake quietly, “It will not affect that guy waitng for a train.”
He unpacked the time machine from its case. Several dials shone brightly, producing a pool of green light. Prince Jake and Jake stood in the lighted area, with darkness all around. The figure on the seat did not appear to notice. Prince Jake adjusted a knob to show 1952.
He pressed a button. There was a flash and a loud report.
To be continued Peter Magycon
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