Chapter 8
Always take the high ground
The learner trainee wizard now landed his helivan in a clearing below Homewood station and on the shore of an adjacent river. This was not an entirely satisfactory situation. The trainee wizard would have preferred to occupy the high ground rather than look up to the train. However, since he had overwhelming force it hardly seemed to matter. He switched off the engine and ordered his trolls into position. The heli blades slowly stopped moving. Apart from the rushing sound of the river there was only silence in the area. Twenty trolls jumped from the helivan, cavorted around and then spread out across a field. The ground sloped away from the front of Homewood station. The trolls now stood facing the station, looking up to it as they waved clubs embedded with sharp nails. Further below, in the river, crocodiles circled, waiting for orders. Above, clouds formed a dark and dangerous sky. The trainee wizard climbed down from his cockpit and strode to a point just below the station.
He uttered a spell and then….
“Metal warrior!” he cried. “Kneel before your master!”
However, FIDO failed to appear.
Instead, a carriage door opened and Dr Tung stepped out.
“Good day, learner trainee wizard , formerly Alfred Garret, steam engine driver,retired. I am Dr Tung,” said the Doctor. “I am a resident of MARS. I will be the doctor in charge of your recovery. I am here to escort you to the facility!”
The learner trainee wizard staggered as if hit by a savage blow.
“MARS?” he croaked. “A doctor from MARS? The Looney Bin for learner magicians? Surely there must be a mistake? I am no learner! I am the Master of a large and growing Empire! A follower of Chinese Guru Lao Sao Mao!”
“Alas, in my former incarnation, I was that very person,” said Dr Tung. “Some five hundred years ago, I stumbled across an ancient book of spells. The book burst into flames after I had read it! I was obliged to rewrite the spells from a faulty memory. All my spells are useless! And my belief that follower of my system would ascend to heaven was mistaken. It is definitely not true! On my own demise I went directly to MARS and I was put in a strait jacket! I have recovered and I am now a consulting doctor! I must request that you accompany me to MARS and get treatment for your horrible malaise! You are a category two, learner trainee wizard.”
“That is incredibly selfish and hardly fair!” cried the trainee wizard hotly. “I paid $16.50 for your book and now you tell me that the spells are faulty! In any event, I have no intention of going with you to MARS! How do I know you are authentic? You may be a fake! A fraud! Stay out of my affairs! I am not a learner! I am a full trainee wizard! I am here to reclaim two elves plus three dwarves and anything else valuable or useful. But most of all it is my intention to catch the metal man.Where is he?”
At this point, you might assume that FIDO would appear and shoot the trainee wizard with either a rocket or a machine gun. Or possibly an energy gun. Or a Mills bomb/
But such a response underestimates the subtle guile of Dr Tung.
“How dark the sky is!” said that worthy, glancing up at the clouds massed directly above. “It certainly looks like rain!”
He pointed at the sky.
The trainee wizard cackled hysterically.
“It certainly does! But these clouds will flush you back to MARS!
He pointed a metal staff and pressed a button.
Drenching torrents of water immediately poured onto one small area. It was a total, absolute inundation. The rain seemed to be a solid wall, a piped cataract. But this massive torrent poured down entirely upon the area occupied by the unfortunate trainee wizard and his trolls! There was a simultaneous flash of lightning and a loud clap of thunder. The upright section of the trainee wizard’s hat vanished in a puff of orange smoke.
He was left wearing a tattered brim.
“It is vital to use stolen Central Power equipment properly,” said Dr Tung. “In the case of making rain you must aim the raindrops at the area which needs watering using the director tube which I am holding. If you have now finished using Tthe stolen item , it will now be returned to the rightful owners.”
He pressed a button on the director tube. The metal staff was wrenched from the trainee wizards hand and literally flew across to the train. It dived through an open door and rejoined the other itemsstaffs under a seat.
“Weather control inventory restored,’ said CLEO.”Please return the director tube when you return to the train.”
The trainee wizard was now wearing the scorched brim of hie conical hat. What remained of his hair showed through, making a kind of furry top. His trolls had been frightened and dismayed by this display of elemental force. As a result, all the doppelganger generated trolls had vanished. They had, in a sense, died of fright, although they had never actually been alive. The trainee wizard was left with only his original trolls. They were all demoralized by the locally inclement weather and stood shivering. But the trainee wizard still had his helivan and he still had his marine reserve of crocodiles. Plus the powerful ring Volcano.
That ring was now excited. It was pulsating with radiant heat so that steam rose from the pocket where it was kept. Dr Tung looked calmly down at the sodden trainee wizard. “All the spells are faulty,” he said. “They have all failed miserably many times for hopefuls such as yourself.! Would you not prefer a nice strait jacket and a bed in Ward Five on MARS? Recovery is unpleasant but… Iif you give up retire now you will earn a discounted sentence.”
The trainee wizard seemed to be thinking about this warning He removed the remains of his hat and laid his cloak on the fence to dry. With some effort he pulled off his long boots, drainedsJugg out a stream of brackish water and set them to dry.
He was now dressed in wet longjohns.
Dr Tung stood patiently watching,
The trainee wizard finally spoke through chattering teeth.
“Oh, m-m-m-master of evil!” he said. “Oh, h-h-h- horrid denizen of MARS! I am n-n-n- not to be moved by your cajolery! My course is set by myself, the highest force of all! I will now p-p-p-p-place a pentagram around you so that you cannot move! I will then take you captive. You will be kept in my deepest dungeon! You will rave and moan in the dark! You will survive in the meanest conditions, without f-f-f-food or water. Finally you will become a pile of bleached bones!”
He waved his hands in a peculiar gesture….
Dr Tung seemed totally unconcerned by the trainee wizard’s mad tirade. He walked forward to the fence separating the railway from the meadow below. “So much for your pentagram!” he said. “I move freely! Another load of rubbish!”
He addressed the trolls. “Trolls! You are being kept in captivity by this evil hypnotist. Each of you had a noble position as a ticket inspector working for Vicrail. Your honorable task was to detain passengers attempting to cheat the government by travelling without a ticket! You are sorely missed! Ticket dodgers are currently running rampant ! I will now utter the Unbinding Spell so that each of you will be restored to your former self. Sllo..”
“No! No! No!” cried the trainee wizard in horror. “They are my trolls! They will be rewarded for outstanding courage in battle by enjoying a huge feed of mince pies after I win! Trolls! Ignore this charlatan! Sing your battle anthem!”
The leading troll began swinging his club singing:
“Onward trollish army,
Trolls all go to war.”
But none of the other trolls joined in.
They were all staringing at Dr Tung.
He was again attempted to utter the unbinding spell: “Sllo..” The trainee wizard drowned him out by using his megaphone “TROLLS! Kill for the love of killing!” he screamed. But only the leading troll sStarted to move up hill towards the doctor.
Dr Tung raised one hand.
“Sllort!” he shouted, thus reversing the original spell.
Immediately the trolls changed back into human form,. The troll clothes were then peeled off reve
aling a group of sodden ticket inspectors wearing the black uniforms of that honourable craft. “Gentlemen!” cried Dr Tung. “You have been cruelly misused.Walk across the hill until your reach a gate. File through the gate and cross the railway line. Walk about one quarter of a mile down a pathway and you will reach a main road. After waiting for 22 minutes you will be able to catch a bus to Lilydale. Leave the bus windows open while you travel! Have a hot shower using a strong deodarant soap as soon as you get home!”
The men then walked across the hillside, crossed the railway line and vanished down an overgrown pathway. The trainee wizard was now literally gnashing his teeth! “How dare you steal my trolls!” he shoutedaid.. “I have hesitated to absolutely humiliate you, but now you leave me no choice!”
He pulled the glowing red stone Volcano from his pocket and waved it at the doctor.
He immediately began to intone:
“Under my command you are,
Whether near or gone afar,
Pretty dreamer, do not weep,
Leave your troubles, go to sleep!”
On the final line he waved his hand in a gesture of finality.
Dr Tung was entirely unaffected.
He had one hand in his own pocket.
He removed his hand suddenly to display a glowing blue stone.
“Behold your nemesis, Alfred Garret!” cried the Doctor. “It is the Great Ruling Stone Ocean! Pray tell me which is the mightiest? Volcano, of the earth or Ocean, ruler of the sea and all it surrounds!”
The two men stood motionless as the blazing stones seemed to focus on each other. Torrents of wild energy spurted from Volcano. They were immediately sucked into the Ocean stone and vanished without trace. Volcano crackled and spat, growing hotter and hotter until the trainee wizard gave a howl of pain and dropped the stone. It rolled down the steep ground and fell into the river.
There was a flash of brilliant light and a booming explosion.
Volcano vanished in a vast cloud of steam
Inside the railway coach Jake and Alaric woke from their trance.
In the meadow below there was growing despair.
“Great Volcano is destroyed!” cried the trainee wizard. “My treasure from the Central Power cache has gone! And I have been sorely misled by that rotten book! But I still have my dear, dear crocodiles! Crocs! Leap the fence and attack Dr Tung!”
However, the crocs were no longer under his sway. With the demise of Volcano they had immediately fallen under the rule of Ocean, the stone held by Dr Tung. The crocs now recognized Dr Tung as The Master.
With this change in control, the trainee wizard had become a mere mortal to the crocs. He was now viewed as a tasty snack,well within range. The crocodiles formed a half circle around the trainee wizard. At first he continued to delude himself. He believed the monsters were still his subjects. Only when a croc leapt at him with its massive jaws wide open did the message finally sink home. The trainee wizard gave a howl of absolute terror. He jumped backwards, straight over the high fence and onto the safety of the platform. It was a most remarkable jump, executed backwards without a run up. It may well be an all time Olympic record although, of course, it was not part of a formal event.
The crocs were not impressed by the jump. They were merely frustrated. They surged forward angrily. Dr Tung waved one hand and the crocs retreated, crawling down to the river. The doctor put the Ocean stone back into his pocket, where it continued to emit a blue glow through the fabric.
Now the three dwarves returned from the helivan. Two were carrying the flat, pulsating box. Little Sam was toting a circular disc. They vanished into the carriage and CLEO said: “Inventory restored!”
“So!” said Dr Tung, sternly. “Here you are, Alfred Garret, failed trainee wizard! I trust you are now ready for treatment!”
The trainee wizard fell on his knees and began to babble. “Have mercy on a poor student, illustrious master, Dr Tung. It was your book which set me on a life of evil wizardry! I was a top link steam engine driver made redundant. It was a foul and bitter blow!”
“I might have mercy on a poverty stricken former top steam engine driver!” said Dr Tung. “I might even find it in my heart to excuse you and blame myself as the actual author of that accursed book. But you enslaved many people! You owned a fortified castle! You have never paid council rates or library fines! But now you are undone! At this very moment, your powers are fading! Because you have lost the items you stole from this train the PEA is rapidly contracting! And even your transport is returning to its birthplace in the nether realms!”
He indicated the helivan, parked between the river and the station.
The helivan had already begun to fall apart. First, the overhead rotor sagged as if the steel was melting. Eventually, the rotor hung limply downwards and began to drip. The melt formed a shiny puddle. Next, the propeller and shaft began to disintegrate. Various sections split apart in a matter of seconds Finally, all that remained of the van was a pile of sad debris. Then, even that vanished, swallowed by the hungry earth.
Dr Tung continued his address to Alfred Garret.
“I see you used the dopplegang converter to power your strange van,” said Dr Tung. “I assume you stole it with other items from the Central Power emergency packs?”
“No! I exchanged it for baccy,” said the trainee wizard! .” Excanged! A fair and honest trade!”
“Fair and honest?” said Dr Tung. “Priceless alien equipment for a few bags of tobacco which may eventually give the users lung cancer?”
There was a pregnant pause.
Then Dr Tung continued: “However, Driver Garret you have had some good karma today,” he said. “For example, you have avoided a fight with robot FIDO! I will now call him forth and ask him to demonstrate what he had in store for you. FIDO! Come out and discharge your weapon.”
A carriage door opened and FIDO stepped onto the platform. The robot had a Mark Six Devastator loaded into a launcher protruding from his chest. He casually aimed the missile at a large outcropping of granite some distance from the station. With a blast of smoke and flame the rocket ignited. It flew across the river valley leaving a plume of exhaust. The Devastator impacted with a massive explosion.
The huge rock shattered and dammed the river.
The water immediately began to rise.
“If all else failed in terms of my plan, that would have been aimed at your flying machine!” said Dr Tung. “That was my fail safe!”
“Alas for me!” cried the trainee wizard, “All my works are in ruin! I have escaped the savage death demonstrated, but now I am doomed to go to MARS! Doomed by the very man who misled me with his book of second rate, inaccurate, magical rubbish!”
He began weeping bitterly. “If only Victorian Railways had stayed with steam! As a top link driver on the Southern Majestic I had the finest record in the business. I was a happy fellow until that dreadful day when I was retrenched! Sacked on two weeks notice after twenty five years of faithful service! It laid the seeds of rank bitterness. It made me very ready to use magic! Ready to steal alien equipment! Ready to steal and lie and covet! To be horribly selfish and self centered! Yes I confess! I confess! I confess to stealingSteal priceless alien gear for a few packs of tobacco in the full knowledge that the trade was biased and unfair!! And even the tobacco was whjich was also stolen from the Lilydale pub! I am triply guilty of crimes against elves, dwarves and my fellow human kind!. I am broken!”
He sobbed bitterly.””
Dr Tung reflected on thesehis words.
“But it is true that you were undone by a fake book about magic. A fake book whose author has already been punished, as I can personally attest! And much of your former life was good,” said the doctor. “You were and are a brilliant driver! Your termination on two weeks notice was an undeserved and savage blow for a man once considered to be one of the finest steam engine drivers in all Australia.”
“Can that be taken into account?” cried Alfred Garret.
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“It must and will be taken into account. And I note that all your magical captives have now returned to normal life and are unscathed,” said Dr Tung. “The former trolls are aboard a bus returning to Melbourne. Your enslaved mechanic has gone back to his garage. Your enraptured centaur has returned to his riding school. Your many entranced servants have all returned to conventional states. Many of them actually enjoyed the experience of working for you, rather than slaving away paying taxes! When all these factors are taken into account there may yet be one chance. A slender chance for you to minimize the horror of the anti magic therapy you must undergo on MARS, Alfred Garret!”
“A chance!” cried Alfred Garret, “What is that chance!”
“You must hope and pray that the people travelling in this carriage will forgive you. Should they do so you will get the chance to drive the steam engine Spitfire and assist them in their great Quest!”
He waved his hand at the steam engine, gently blowing off steam at the head of the train. Alfred Garrett caught his breath! A chance to drive a classic steam namer! And possibly the rarest steam engine ever seen in Victoria! In fact, definitely the rarest engine never before seen in Victoria! A chance to help in a monumental Quest!
Jake, Alaric and the dwarves now appeared at a carriage door and climbed down onto the platform. Five beings? Who were the other two? But surely five would be enough? Alfred Garret looked at the elves and dwarves he had hypnotized. He had hoped to ransom the fat elf who was supposed to be elvish royalty. How could he expect forgiveness?
He was attempting to prepare some kind of sobbing, pleading address when Dr Tung spoke. “Wizardry is a strange and unusual profession,” said the Doctor, “But there are a few, a very few occasions when an individual’s descent into the use of hypnotism and attempted magic can be partially excused. The case of the man standing before you, Steam Engine Top Link Driver Alfred T Garrett (retired) is one such example. As a trainee wizard he has entranced many good citizens to serve his own evil ends. On the other hand, as a top link steam engine driver he delivered thousands of passengers to their destination! He drove his mighty engine through rain and , through fog and snow, through thunder and lightening. He froze at his controls! He thundered on! Often he was given poor quality coal! Often, even his nose froze solid under the impact of biting cold weather! At other times he roasted under the savage heat of the sun and the blasting fury of a white hot coal fire. He had almost impossible schedules to keep. He stands before you now as a man who bitterly regrets his recent career! He now desires to atone by working without pay as your steam engine driver. As the one who might be deemed somewhat responsible for his demise into his current lamentable state I ask you grant him a short extension of his time on this earth. He will be obliged to return with me to MARS for treatment! But in the meantime, he will stand before you when danger threatens! He will be true your cause! You must now vote,” said Dr Tung.
“All in favor?”
Alaric and the three dwarves all said Aye!
Jake then spoke.
“I say Nay! Because I am the driver,” he said. “I am a trained driver who has passed his exam! I like driving! We do not require another driver!”
“Right now that is true,” said Dr Tung. “But my scanty knowledge of your future indicates that you may need the services of a Top Link Driver in the future..”
“Oh, very well,” said Jake. “He can drive the train while I finish eating. I am ving! I am so hungry that I may explire (expire) at any moment. I have not eaten a full,decent, filling meal since hundreds of years ago! It is cramanal (criminal) to ve a young growing person like me!”
He climbed back into the carriage.
The elf, dwarves and Dr Tung followed him and climbed up into the carriage.
Driver Garret now accompanied FIDO to the locomotive. The robot adjusted the heating bar to full output and then returned to the carriage. Soon the engine was hissing steam and the train began to move back towards Yea.
Spitfire was now under the sure hands of a great driver. Inside the coach the passengers were eating the meal laid out previously by FIDO.
Jake was still complaining about his state of hunger, while stuffing himself with all available food. CLEO’s voice suddenly sounded.
“Alert! Current radio message being sent from UFO H.Q.
An excited male voice spoke: “.. major explosion near Homewood station was picked up by Sat Com.. photos show we have found athe ghost train!! Vicrail have no record of any train on the line. The railway is classified as closed. The train appears to consist of a steamn engine plus a single carriage It is now on the move proceeding towards Yea. Iintercept at Yea station in thirty minutes…Full authority to use lethal force!”
The transmission ended.
Apart from the regular de dum de dum of wheels pounding over steel tracks, there was total silence in the carriage.
Then Grumpy pulled out his knife and balanced it on one blue finger.
“I will also use lethal force!” he said. “I intend to take several of them with me!”
“Resisting force with force is not an optimum solution,” said Dr Tung. “I remind you that the soldiers are armed with superior weapons. Knives against lasers and rifles is hardly an equal fight! Subterfuge is far more practical.”
He spoke into a mobile phone: “Driver Garret! Increase speed to arrive at Year in 1520 minutes!”
Speed picked up rapidly.
The coach began to rock alarmingly.
They steamed on towards Yea.
The Mansfield railway runs inside a valley and Aas they approached a short uphill section leading into Yea station, they sawnoticed an Army road/rail/water vehicle already standing in the stationat the platform.
FIDO studied the vehiclerail car with telescopic eyes.
“It is not occupied,” he said, “
“Well, well, well!” said Dr Tung, “The rail car is unattended! The crew are probably all in the public house! We can back in, JakeJugg it up to the rear of the coach and take off! That should give the Colonel something to put in his memoirs. CLEO, what is the description at of that vehicle parked in the station?”
CLEO:“It is a diesel APRT or Army Platoon Railway Transporter. It can be converted into a mobile barracks. It contains a portaloo, along with washing and cooking facilities. It can be used as a boat. It carries emergency rations.”
Dr Tung: “Just what we need. Let’s get it!”
They backed up to Yea station, still using the I/I device to remain invisible. On arrival , Little Sam crawled under the coach and attached the Army vehicle to the train. Unfortunately, he was carrrying the card pack and dropped another of the Stuff It cards onto the track.
It lay unnoticed as the blue dwarf fixed the rail car to the coach,
Grumpy now addressed Jake: “Oh Endlessness,” he said. “I understand that you are the top geezer in charge of Central Power.Why not grant us lads a boon! G and give us our freedom! We can go in the tunnel to Chirnside Park and get on the Multiverse Express and go home!”
Jake said nothing.
“Your freedom!” said Alaric. “What have you done to get a boons!? You are convicts! What have you done to deserve freedom?”
The three dwarves now spoke together and listed ;
1)Building the tunnel to help you escape from Prison
2)Alerting you when his Endlessness went sleepwalking
3)Watering the steam engine at persoanal risk
4)And helping to steal an Army car and risk being shot!
“It sounds like a plausable case,” said Dr Tung “Why not give them a boon and let them go home?”
“Plausible reasons? They have actually listed only three iimplausible reasons,” said Alaric. “The first implausible reason was totally untrue. They were attempting to escape and we merely used a tunnel they had built. For that purpose and saying rude things about the Royal House!The second reason is doubtful as I was already wide awake. The third was obviously their
job since they had done nothing at all except smoke, eat, drink and play cards. The and the fourth reason is just Dwarvish bulldust! Well, Your Majesty! What is your Royal decision on this matter?”
Jake had no idea what to say so he replied: “Ask CLEO!”
CLEO then said “The only way they can get their freedom is by being knighted! They could become Knights of the Oblong Table by Royal decree. That would give them their freedom. But who can knight them? Not Jake as he is an escaping prisoner! ! He needs treatment! Not Alaric as he does not have the rank. Not the Earthmen as they are but savages. just visitors Not me as I am a computer. Who is left?”
“I am left! I will knight them!” said FIDO suddenly.
He produced his sword.
“Kneel!”
All three dwarves knelt.
‘By the authority of the Royal House I pronouce you knights of the Oblong Table,’ he said, touching each dwarf in turn with the sword tip.
A blue light now shone on each forehead.
“It must be your royal power going through him,” said Alaric to Jake. “He is your robot!” He added glumly:: “But tThere is no use in them going to Chirnside Park anyway. The Expresso station has probably imploded!”
“Not for us!” said Grumpy.“You used a protective screen! We can still use the Multiverse Railway unimplode it to carry us despite the Force Screen.three workers. We would take you all but it will only work for the three of us. Code RedFive: Workers Emergency Retreat. When we get to Central Power we will see what we can do to help you!”
The three dwarves collected their tools and stepped out of the carriage.
They used some kind of device, shining a yellow light at one side of the track .
The entrance to a tunnel then appeared.
The dwarves walked inside.
The tunnel entrance disappeared.
Jake and Alaric helped FIDO load all the alien equipment onto the AAPTWith three minutes to spare, t
The steam train, towing the APRT, departed, heading towards Mansfield.