always brought a book to read in the car while the girl was with the client, but sometimes he couldn’t read; his mind was too busy thinking about what was going on inside the house. And then the girl would come back to the car. They would both know what had just happened. Sometimes it would remain unspoken, but sometimes there would be vague references, or even outright confessions. Jesse frequently used thoughts of the escorts while he masturbated before bed or in the dorm shower.
Three weeks after initiating his plan to sit next to the black-haired girl, of which his implementation waxed and waned depending on which seats were available and how steady his nerves were, Jesse finally sat next to her. He’d thought about what he could say over and over again. He could ask for a pen, but that would be too brief. He needed more.
“Excuse me,” he said, the room bustling with people, class still a few minutes from starting. “Do you mind if I look at your notes from last class real quick? I missed…” his voice cracked with nervousness “…a few things and I just want to make sure…I have them right.”
“Umm, yeah, you can look,” she said, not sounding too assured herself. “But I don’t know how much sense you’ll make of them. I don’t totally get what’s going on.” She flipped through several sheets of paper until she found last class’s lecture and handed the notebook to Jesse.
He felt hot; his hands were sweaty. But that went okay, he thought. Now what? Keep your poise. He took the notebook and began to compare it with his. He didn’t know what he was looking for but he began to jot a few things down anyways. She doesn’t understand the material. Okay, okay, think. He took a deep breath and said, “You’re, ah, not a chem major I take it?”
“No.” She looked at Jesse then towards the ground. “Just fulfilling a requirement.”
Then there was silence between them. Jesse tried to copy something—anything, really—from her notebook while trying to think of what to say. He lost his train of thought.
Speaking softly, she made it easy on him. “I’m pre-law right now, but,” she tried to find the words but they didn’t come smoothly, “I don’t know, it’s okay, but who knows.” She fidgeted with her pen, seeming nervous herself.
Her voice, though sounding nervous, was inviting and agreeable. It helped calm Jesse down, and they talked for the next several minutes about other mundane things: their majors, how they’d done on the last test, how much they disliked chemistry. She smiled warmly, and her smile infused Jesse with a feeling he had previously only imagined.
The class soon began and they were silent. Jesse had figured the start of class would provide a break from having to think of things to say, but now he actually wished he could keep talking to her. He had a hard time paying attention to the professor, the physical being of so many of his fantasies sitting right next to him. The professor was still lecturing as the clock passed two-thirty, officially the end of class, and the sweeping second hand pushed forward into the students’ free time.
“I hate it when he does this,” she said as the class became restless.
“What, talk about chemistry?”
She chuckled softly. “I hate that, too. I have a class in Winthrop, on the other side of campus. He always makes me late.” She was packing up her books and notebook as the professor wound up his lecture. She stood and began to make her way past the contracting knees of other still-sitting students.
“Thanks for letting me copy your notes,” Jesse said as she squeezed by him.
“Oh, no problem. Bye.” She waved and smiled. Jesse’s stomach went on spin cycle, his insides warmed like a crackling fireplace on a cold, wintry night.
Jesse headed for dorm after class, but his reverie carried him past his dorm and onto the city streets. He put his headphones on and just walked. He could have gone ten, maybe twenty blocks—he was too lost in thought to keep track. Delightful images of the black-haired girl blended seamlessly with the music, her warm, inviting smile the dominant image in his mind. There was no misinterpreting that smile. It meant she had enjoyed his presence, however brief. It meant that his plan to sit next to her and talk to her was a success. It meant that he could approach her again, this time talking of more substantial things, perhaps even asking her out.
Jesse floated on air for the next two days. He made sure to get to class early on Wednesday to get a seat next to her, but she didn’t show up for class. He was disappointed he didn’t get to see her, but the next class was only two days away.
He had had an appointment with his Modern Lit professor on Friday to discuss his final paper and was kept later than he’d anticipated, so was running late for chemistry class. The lecture had already started when he got there. He went in a back door and crept into a back row seat, all the seats around the black-haired girl being taken. He didn’t even open his notebook and pretend to pay attention; he was too busy wondering what he should do about her. Should he try to approach her after class? He could walk with her if she was going to her class in Winthrop. Or should he not rush things and just wait until Monday? But then, he hadn’t even talked to her that much, and if he waited, she might forget about him entirely. Before he had made a decision, the professor concluded class—six minutes early—and everyone began to rise from their seats and head for the aisles. Jesse bolted up and scurried toward the aisle, keeping an eye on where the black-haired girl was going. He saw her walking in his direction. He stood off to the side and, keeping one eye on the oncoming rush of people, pretended to look for something in his backpack. He looked up as she neared him. They made eye contact.
“Hi,” he said as she approached him.
“Oh, hi,” she said, seeming to not recognize him at first, then immediately looked forward and pushed hurriedly into the crowd.
“Are you…“ Jesse began to say, but she was already by him, washed away in the stream of students. He felt awkward, embarrassed. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and walked into the crowd, fighting his way through the throng, and went out a door at the front of the lecture hall.
“What a bitch,” Jesse said to Todd and Meredith later in his dorm room. He sat slouched down in his desk chair drinking a Harpoon. He splurged for good beer when he got the job, but the spicy pumpkin flavor wasn’t enough to sweeten his sour mood. The best he could hope for was to dull the sickly feeling of rejection.
“Maybe she was just in a rush,” Meredith said, leaning against Todd, who sat on his bed with his back against the wall. “You said she had that class right after. Maybe she was in a hurry to get there.”
He hoped Meredith was right, but it didn’t seem likely. “I doubt it. We got let out of class early. She could have spared thirty seconds. She hardly even looked at me.”
He had gone over it several times. He’d only spoken to her briefly before class about relatively superficial things. Was all his hope merely the result of his daydreaming? Though at times carried away by his imagination, he wasn’t delusional. He knew there had been nothing substantial between them. But she had seemed so receptive when he spoke to her. And there was that smile. That smile could have melted glaciers. Oh, what’s the point, Jesse thought. He tilted the bottle high above his head and drained his beer, then slid the empty bottle on his desk. He watched the empty brown bottle rotate on its base for several seconds before increasing in speed, clinking against another empty bottle, and coming to a stop. That’s something you could count on: beer. You knew what you were getting every time, weren’t ever going to be let down. He reached into the mini refrigerator for another.
“See what you women are capable of doing,” Todd said while looking at Meredith.
“Us women? What are you talking about?” Her voice raised an octave as she punched him lightly, jokingly.
“You know what I’m talking about.”
Meredith said something to Todd that Jesse couldn’t make out, and the two nuzzled into each other.
God, don’t they know there’s someone right here in the room with them, Jesse thought, and took another swig. But he also fel
t a pang of jealousy. He wished he had someone to jest with like that, even if it was as lame and sappy as Todd and Meredith.
“Hey,” Todd said as Meredith sat up straight. “You still have the escorts.”
“I can’t believe you do that,” Meredith said. “You actually drive hookers around.”
Jesse smiled. He knew Todd was kidding, but there was some truth to it. He looked forward to driving the escorts, even considered some of them his friends. At least they had a friendly working relationship. The interaction with the opposite sex made him feel engaged, though he knew it was only a cheap thrill. It wasn’t the whole connection he was looking for, but for now it was all he had. It would have to do.
“I think I’m just gonna be a monk. You know, live in a monastery, renounce all desire. Spend all my time reading and contemplating the universe and shit.”
“That’s what girls like,” Todd said. “A guy with no goals and zero ambition.”
“Are you working tonight?” Meredith asked.
Jesse looked at his beer. “I don’t think I’m driving anywhere tonight.”
He didn’t even go out to the habitual weekend keg party. He drank in his room, commiserating with himself about his unfortunate state of affairs, smoked a joint with Farhad, drank some more, and passed out at who knows what time.
Jesse didn’t get out of bed until almost two-thirty the next day. The others must have figured he needed the sleep and not waken him when they went to eat. He felt lousy, but he thought some food might settle his stomach so he threw on some clothes and went to the cafeteria. He tried to remember the previous night, but he had little recollection of what happened. The beers had gone down fast and hit hard. There probably wasn’t anything worth remembering anyway. But he did remember why he drank so hard: his disappointment over the black-haired girl. He remembered reading some quote about getting more accustomed to disappointment as you got older, about the more experience with life you got, the less you hope and dream, the more you learn to settle. He wondered if he was already reaching that point.
There weren’t many people in the cafeteria, lunch already having finished, but there were a few slices of greasy pizza with congealed cheese in the pizza warmer. He bought two slices and a soda and took a seat near a window. He tried to read a newspaper but it made his head spin so he just looked out the window at the people walking by. He managed to eat half a slice, and his head was still feeling clouded and groggy when he heard a voice behind him say “Hi.” He was starting to crave his bed again and didn’t think he could endure a conversation. He reluctantly turned to see who it was, and to his surprise, standing before him was the black-haired girl.
He tried to sit up straight and get his bearings. “Oh, hi,” he said.
She clutched her books with both arms across her chest. “Are you sitting with anyone? Do you mind if I sit with you?”
His hangover dulled his reaction. “Ah, no, no. Have a seat.”
She put her books on the table and coat on the back of the chair and said, as she sat down, “Sorry I had to leave so abruptly yesterday—after chem.”
“Oh, that’s okay. I figured you had your class, right?”
“Actually, I skipped my last class. I had to go home to watch my little sisters.”
“You’re from the city?”
“Yeah. I live in the South End. My mother just started a job and yesterday was her second day and she was freakin’ out that she was gonna be late.”
“That’s understandable. How old’re your sisters?”
“Eight and six. I felt like a heel though.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t think anything of it.”
“Okay, good.”
There was a pause. Not good, Jesse thought. Think of something to say. “That’s quite an age difference between you and your sisters. Were you the, ah, mistake?” As soon as he said it he felt his stomach twist into knots. A mistake? That couldn’t have sounded too good. Besides, you don’t want to pry too deep into someone’s personal life without knowing them that well. But she didn’t bat an eyelash.
“That’s what you’d think, but no, we have different fathers. It’s kinda crazy, my family.”
Jesse had to muster all his energy just to fight through the fog of his hangover and converse coherently. He hadn’t fully grasped that his dream girl was sitting with him—of her own choice, no less—and talking to him. But her presence seemed to naturally lift the haze off him as his insides swelled with satisfaction.
When he fully considered his situation, when he realized his dream girl was sitting with him and he was under pressure to perform, to impress her somehow, anxiety began to well up inside him. But she had a relaxed demeanor and made him feel at ease.
“What’s your name,” she said. “I don’t think I got your name.”
“Jesse.”
“I’m Corey.” She stuck out her hand and Jesse took hold of it and shook it. “Nice to meet you, again.” She spoke with a good-natured light-heartedness.
“You too,” Jesse said.
“I was studying at the library. It’s kinda nice on a Saturday morning—there’s almost no one there.”
“Can’t say I’ve ever been there on a Saturday morning.”
She smiled. There it was again, that warm, reassuring smile. A chill ran down his back.
“But I haven’t eaten all day,” she said. “I’m starving. I don’t suppose there’s much left here.”
I think they close the hot food down around two-thirty to get ready for dinner. There’s some prepared stuff though, sandwiches and salads, and I think they still have some…” he paused and looked down at his plate “…pizza.”
“Is that what that is? I wasn’t sure.”
He tried to laugh, but the reverberations felt like a minor earthquake inside his head. He cringed and put his hand on his forehead.
“I was gonna ask if you had a good time last night, but from the looks of it I’d say yes.”
“I definitely had a few too many. I won’t be having that good of a time anytime soon.”
“That’s what they all say.” She stood up. “I’m gonna go see if they have anything edible. Are you gonna stick around?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“I’m gonna leave my stuff here then, okay?”
“Sure.”
Jesse eyed her jacket, the fabric that held her tightly and kept her warm, and her books, tangible objects that were an integral part of her everyday life. They were here with him, entrusted to him. How he, too, would like to be a part of her everyday life. But he was a ways from that. He still had work to do. He looked at the window and saw his reflection: He looked a bit disheveled for such a task. But she didn’t seem like the kind of girl you had to impress. She seemed genuine, without any pretensions, and this took the pressure off, made him feel like he could just be himself.
She came back, put a chicken Caesar salad on the table, and sat down. “This looked like one of the few safe things they have.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t look bad,” Jesse said. “But I can’t do salads with a hangover. I feel like I need some grease to sop up the alcohol out of my bloodstream.”
“I know what you mean. Dollar double cheeseburgers at Mickey D’s are my favorite hangover food.”
“That does sound good.”
As they talked, Jesse wasn’t compelled to analyze what he was saying or how he was doing. It felt natural, enjoyable. It felt like he had known this girl for years.
“So it’s good to know someone from chem,” Corey said. “Maybe we could help each other study for the next test.”
“Yeah, that would be good. Between the two of us we might be able to figure out half the stuff.”
She went on to tell him that she didn’t know that many people in school. A few people from her classes, but that was it. She had started off taking a couple night classes after high school, but she had to keep working and help out around the house. She finally had enough, between working and loans
, to go full time, but she had to live at home to help her mother. Between school work and her job, she didn’t have much free time, and not living on campus also limited her interaction with other students.
“Not that I’m complaining,” she said. “I’ve actually been working a lot less lately and I’m thinking of living in the dorms for the spring semester. If my mother can get a regular work schedule while my sisters are in school.”
“Yeah, it can be fun. I’ve been in the dorms for almost a year and a half. I’m kinda looking forward to moving out, but I can see why you’d wanna try it. Where do you work?”
“I’m a…waitress. At this restaurant near where I live.”
“Cool.”
“The tips are pretty good. Do you work at all?”
“I’m a driver,” Jesse said, but then thought he couldn’t tell her he drove escorts. “A delivery driver…for this pizza place in the North End.” He didn’t like to lie, but it was better to play it safe. He could tell her when he got to know her better, or quit if he had to; a measly part-time job wasn’t worth losing a girl like Corey.
She looked at her watch. “I have to work tonight actually. I should probably get going.” She stood and put on her coat.
“What time is it?” Jesse asked.
“Quarter of four.”
Jesse hadn’t realized how long they’d been talking—almost an hour. He had become so comfortable with her that he didn’t think twice about asking his next question.
“If you want, maybe we could go out sometime, get a bite to eat or something?”
“Sure, that would be fun. I’m kinda busy tomorrow—I have to write a paper and look after my sisters for a while. How about we talk on Monday. I’ll save you a seat in chem and we can see how our schedules look for the week?”
“That sounds good.”
“Okay. Nice runnin’ into ya. See ya later.”
“Bye.”
She flashed that endearing smile as she left. She was more than a ray of sunshine; she could light his entire world. And what a crazy world it was. Just yesterday, this morning even, he was so down in the dumps he felt like abandoning the human race and living in a monastery. Now, hangover and all, he never felt more alive than ever. Eat your heart out, Jake Barnes.
Back at the dorm, Jesse soaked himself under the shower. Even the water felt crisper and clearer. He felt like he was in a Zest soap commercial. His renewed vigor inspired him to do something more productive than get drunk again that night. He would see if anyone needed a driver, make some money, and get up early tomorrow to do some studying. Maybe he’d even work on chem. Learn a little to be able to help Corey when they studied together.
After getting out of the shower, he called the escort agency and talked to Helen.
“Hullo Honey, how are ya?”
“I’m good Helen. Just calling in to let you know I’m available tonight.”
“Oh good. We definitely can use you tonight