Jesse Ellsworth
Leah Symonne
Copyright 2012 Leah Symonne
Jesse Ellsworth
Jesse Ellsworth was just another girl whose mission was lost in translation when she lost her way. Her story isn’t a very complicated one. She got involved with the wrong crowd, and sooner rather than later she was consumed by her own need to devour herself and please this crowd.
Jesse had promise. You know when parents have two children, and there is always one child that they put all their hopes and dreams into, and the other they allow to float and do what they like? Funnily enough, Jesse was the one who held the hopes and dreams. Jesse was street and book smart, she was good at anything she tried, and she was obviously one of the most beautiful girls in the world.
One of Jesse’s not so awesome traits is that she used to be a dear friend of mine. A role she never cared too much about, understandably so. It was because Jesse and I were simply not compatible. It’s strange how we were brought together. We met through a mutual friend, and were closer than close for a while. When she used to be like me. We used to be interested in all the same things. Then we drifted farther apart than the North is from the South Pole. They say opposites attract, but at some point or another they go their separate ways.
Jesse always had an agenda. Everything she did, she put her all into it, and that’s what I admire most about her. Her agenda was listed from most to least important. By her standards, although it wasn’t listed on her sheet, she was looking to be a part of a certain crowd, primarily. During Jesse’s life, she was constantly under everyone’s scrutiny, and she wanted some escape from that. Everyone had the highest expectations of her. We all knew what she was going to do in the future before she did, or had a chance to think about it. Her life was a set, straight path leading her to success. My life, on the other hand, is a cloud floating by in the sky. Only, my cloud isn’t up in front. I am that really small one at the back that no one can make a shape out of. I am jumbled up fuzz, tagging along behind the guppy, the star and the turtle, acting as if I belonged.
We wanted to be a part of two very different worlds. She wanted everyone’s attention (in all the wrong ways) and she loved being loved. She just fell in love with the idea of being loved, so she could never get enough of it. Jesse always had a natural curiosity about her, that made her fascinated with new things. A phase she’d never outgrown, hence why she’d forgotten me like an old toy. Her natural curiosity attracted her to new things, and people. The people she became interested in exposed her to partying, drinking, drugs and several other things I knew she’d dive head first into without a second thought. I used to ask these people about her, but I could no longer take hearing about the person my friend had become, and stopped. She started to dress differently, talk differently, act differently and even smell differently. The shy, soft-spoken Jesse I used to know, became a loud, vicious girl that I no longer recognized.
I was getting used to the idea of Jesse no longer being a part of my life. It hurt for a while, but in the back of my mind I knew it was for the best. I didn’t need her pressuring me into her new ways, as my own natural curiosity may make me willing to do it. Either that or my desperation for my friend back would.
As time went by I tried to make new friends, let the old wound heal and the awkward subject die. On the way to an unidentified relative’s house one Sunday my gracious, always cognitive, perceptive mother brought it back up. “Way to rip my stitches out, mother” I thought, “Salt on the wound..”
“Why haven’t you talked to Jesse in so long?” she’d said peering at me through the rearview.
“I don’t know,” I replied keeping my eyes locked on the trees through the window.
“Yes you do.”
“Why haven’t I talked to her in so long then, mother?”
“I don’t know, has she ditched you?”
Thank you for holding back.
“Yes, I guess so.”
I hate having to answer these questions for my mother. I don’t want to talk about it, and she doesn’t care at all.
“Maybe you should go visit her.”
I stared at her for a long while to see if she was joking, and she wasn’t.
“Why?”
“Well we’re going to Aunt Maurine’s …”
Uh-Oh. Aunt Maurine lives about two minutes, walking distance, from Jesse’s house. I always go to Jesse’s when my mother goes to Aunt Maurine, because Maurine isn’t one of my favourite people in the world.
I didn’t answer her. Still, when we turned onto the street, instead of turning the corner to Maurine’s she stopped in front of Jesse’s house. I got out, slammed the door and mom drove off before I could change my mind. There was no car in the drive way, meaning her parents weren’t home. I ran up the porch steps, knocked on the front door and rang the bell. No one came, as I’d expected. I ran back down the steps and into the backyard. I jumped over the fence as I always did when I was trying to get into Jesse’s house. When I landed on the other side, I brushed off my shirt, and turned around.
My heart skipped a beat.
Have you ever thought of the prospect that we are put on planet earth for a reason? Whether it is to be a doctor, a lawyer, a pop sensation or just to be there for someone else? Ever thought of the fact that we have the ability to alter that mission too much? Have I ever thought of the fact I have too much freewill?
I stared at Jesse sitting on the stairs leading to her back door. Her shirt was on backwards and she was in some tattered corduroys. Her facial expression was crazed and her eyes were flashing over everything, but focusing on nothing.
“You’re toxic,” she said to me.
“P-Pardon me?”
“You’re a poison, you’re hurting me. Leave. Now.”
“Jesse, it’s me.”
“Wait, you’re not me? You’re… I know you. Who are you?”
How could she have forgotten me? Although I hadn’t spoken to her since this entire thing began, I would never forget Jesse Ellsworth. She was a permanent part of my life whether I liked it or not.
“Wait, don’t tell me who you are.”
“Can’t you see me? I’m right in front of you.”
“The room is spinning. I can’t see anything. I’m flying.”
She was high. Jesse was legitimately high on some form of drug right before my eyes.
She started to laugh long and hard at nothing at all.
“You are so sweet, you… person… you.”
“Jesse, I’ve got to go.”
“Of course you do. They always do.”
“What?”
“You got me into this!” she wailed at me. I jumped back and stepped towards the fence.
“You put me here, you dropped me into this ditch and now you don’t want to get me out! How dare you!”
She rose from where she was sitting and ran full speed to where I was standing. I jumped out of the way, and Jesse ran right into the fence.
“Jesse!” I screamed at her. I stayed where I was for a second to see if she was going to charge at me again, but instead she lay in a crumpled pile where she hit the wall. I took a step towards her—the same way you’d approach a wild animal.
I took another step and she rolled over on the ground, she was crying now. Whatever this drug was, it was surely messing with her emotions.
“You left me.”
That caught me off guard.
“I did what?”
“You lied to me.”
I didn’t say anything else, but despite all the accusations she was throwing my way I wasn’t mad at her at all. How could I be? How can you hate someone when they are at their lowest low, totally vulnerable to anything you do
to them?
“You promised we were sisters forever. You ditched your sister.”
“My sister ditched me.”
At least she finally remembered who I was.
“At least you still remember me.” Jesse said
“What?”
“What you’re looking at now is not your sister. What you’re looking at is garbage.”
“No one is garbage, Jess.”
I wanted to go over to her and comfort her, but I still had to consider my own safety. She was clearly unstable. Yet, that’s the same thinking that got us here in the beginning. I was thinking of myself and my own safety so I allowed her, without much argument, to be seduced by the vices. It’s time I stopped putting myself first for everything.
I took the last steps that were separating us and I sat next to her.
“Jesse, I didn’t ditch you. You left me, and I wasn’t going to argue with you. We all know you’re an unstoppable force.”
She laughed a very dark, lost, humourless, sad laugh. It was more of a rhythmic breath.
“I know. I’m just looking for someone to blame. But…”
“Yes?”
“Never mind.”
“What Jess?”
“If I asked you to stay with me now, would you?”
Jesse was the kind of person who will be happy if you just tell her what she needed to hear. I’m the kind of person who believes you shouldn’t always get to hear something just because you want it.
Never did it.
Never wanted to.
Always needed to.
“Jesse, I will stay with you, but on one condition.”
“I think I know what that is.”
“Do you?”
“I don’t get you high.” She breathed a laugh again.
“Exactly.”
“Thanks so-”
All of a sudden her speech cut short.
“Jesse?”
No response.
My heart started to thud in my chest, so loudly I could hear it. My breathing sped up and sweat started to drip down my face.
“Jesse?!” I yelled. I slapped her face frantically, and she wasn’t responding to anything.
Her face was losing its natural glow, and her mouth hung open. I yanked my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed 911.
The rest of the evening passed by in such a haze. The ambulance came and I rode in it to the hospital. They called Jesse’s parents and my mom to come get me from the hospital. I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t process anything that was happening, and every second Jesse’s body was looking lifeless and lusterless, I lost another piece of myself. Why was this happening to her? Where was my sister going, what was she doing and why wasn’t she fighting? We were this close to reconciliation and finally being happy together again.
I sat in the waiting room and tears started to run down my face. My mom, who was sitting next to me, put her arms around me. I stifled my screams into her shoulder and waited for the doctor to come back out.
***
“Jesse Ellsworth lived a very full life,” the Pastor said, “She will be forever remembered by her friends and family.”
I’d looked over to Jesse’s parents, and then immediately looked away. I couldn’t stand seeing this pain on their face and thinking it was my fault.
Maybe if I was there for Jesse…
Maybe if I’d called more…
Maybe if I didn’t just let her go…
She’d still be here today.
I completely disregarded the pastor and everything everyone mumbled to each other. I stared at the casket in front of me, and wondered if this was some cruel practical joke. I wouldn’t be upset at all, in fact I couldn’t be happier.
Tears ran down my face and I looked outside at the trees and beautiful flowers that sprung all over the church grounds. I stared at the roof at the fans spinning viciously. I did everything I could to distract my emotions, but I couldn’t. I’d just lost my sister.
All the night’s procedures went as planned and came time for her body to be put into the ground. I couldn’t handle that. It was the first time all day I’d truly broken down. I ignored my self control and I screamed, kicked and knocked everything over. I was hurt, I was angry and I wanted my sister back. You never realize what you had until she’s gone.
When I got home that night I immediately went to my room and no one bothered me.
I had cried so much that day I don’t remember making it up to my room, much less into my bed.
What I’ll never forget is the dream I had that night. Jesse and I were back in her back in her backyard, only she wasn’t curled up in the fetal position on the ground like the last time I’d seen her. She was standing bright and tall, just like the Jesse I’d always known and she greeted me with open arms. She hugged me and asked me how I was. I told her that I thought she was dead and what happened, and she simply left me with this, “I don’t know, but whatever the hell happened I’m free now. There isn’t any more pain. It isn’t anyone’s fault but my own. Don’t be sad. Be happy for me. I’ve never been this peaceful.”
My eyes opened slowly, crusted over from all the tears I cried the night before. I wasn’t sad anymore. I wasn’t happy, and I still (as I always will) miss my sister, but the guilt was alleviated. I felt for once I’d told Jesse what she wanted to hear, without telling her anything at all. Odd. Still, only now did I finally understand Jesse Ellsworth.