43.
Postures before a Shadow
Thus Jurgen stood again upon Amneran Heath. And again it wasWalburga's Eve, when almost anything is rather more than likely tohappen: and the low moon was bright, so that the shadow of Jurgenwas long and thin. And Jurgen searched for the gold cross that hehad worn through motives of sentiment, but he could not find it, nordid he ever recover it: but barberry bushes and the thorns ofbarberry bushes he found in great plenty as he searched vainly. Allthe while that he searched, the shirt of Nessus glittered in themoonlight, and the shadow of Jurgen streamed long and thin, andevery movement that was made by Jurgen the shadow parodied. And asalways, it was the shadow of a lean woman, with her head wrapped ina towel.
Now Jurgen regarded this shadow, and to Jurgen it was abhorrent.
"Oh, Mother Sereda," says he, "for a whole year your shadow hasdogged me. Many lands we have visited, and many sights we have seen:and at the end all that we have done is a tale that is told: and itis a tale that does not matter. So I stand where I stood at thebeginning of my foiled journeying. The gift you gave me has availedme nothing: and I do not care whether I be young or old: and I havelost all that remained to me of my mother and of my mother's love,and I have betrayed my mother's pride in me, and I am weary."
Now a little whispering gathered upon the ground, as though deadleaves were moving there: and the whispering augmented (because thiswas upon Walburga's Eve, when almost anything is rather more thanlikely to happen), and the whispering became the ghost of a voice.
"You flattered me very cunningly, Jurgen, for you are a monstrousclever fellow." This it was that the voice said drily.
"A number of people might say that with tolerable justice," Jurgendeclared: "and yet I guess who speaks. As for flattering you,godmother, I was only joking that day in Glathion: in fact, I wascareful to explain as much, the moment I noticed your shadow seemedinterested in my idle remarks and was writing them all down in anotebook. Oh, no, I can assure you I trafficked quite honestly, andhave dealt fairly everywhere. For the rest, I really am very clever:it would be foolish of me to deny it."
"Vain fool!" said the voice of Mother Sereda.
Jurgen replied: "It may be that I am vain. But it is certain that Iam clever. And even more certain is the fact that I am weary. For,look you, in the tinsel of my borrowed youth I have gone romancingthrough the world; and into lands unvisited by other men have Iventured, playing at spillikins with women and gear and with thewelfare of kingdoms; and into Hell have I fallen, and into Heavenhave I climbed, and into the place of the Lord God Himself have Icrept stealthily: and nowhere have I found what I desired. Nor do Iknow what my desire is, even now. But I know that it is not possiblefor me to become young again, whatever I may appear to others."
"Indeed, Jurgen, youth has passed out of your heart, beyond thereach of Leshy: and the nearest you can come to regaining youth isto behave childishly."
"O godmother, but do give rein to your better instincts and all thatsort of thing, and speak with me more candidly! Come now, dear lady,there should be no secrets between you and me. In Leuke you werereported to be Cybele, the great Res Dea, the mistress of everytangible thing. In Cocaigne they spoke of you as AEsred. And atCameliard Merlin called you Aderes, dark Mother of the Little Gods.Well, but at your home in the forest, where I first had the honor ofmaking your acquaintance, godmother, you told me you were Sereda,who takes the color out of things, and controls all Wednesdays. Nowthese anagrams bewilder me, and I desire to know you frankly forwhat you are."
"It may be that I am all these. Meanwhile I bleach, and sooner orlater I bleach everything. It may be that some day, Jurgen, I shalleven take the color out of a fool's conception of himself."
"Yes, yes! but just between ourselves, godmother, is it not thisshadow of you that prevents my entering, quite, into the appropriateemotion, the spirit of the occasion, as one might say, and robs mylife of the zest which other persons apparently get out of living?Come now, you know it is! Well, and for my part, godmother, I love ajest as well as any man breathing, but I do prefer to have itintelligible."
"Now, let me tell you something plainly, Jurgen!" Mother Seredacleared her invisible throat, and began to speak rather indignantly.
* * * * *
"Well, godmother, if you will pardon my frankness, I do not think itis quite nice to talk about such things, and certainly not with somuch candor. However, dismissing these considerations of delicacy,let us revert to my original question. You have given me youth andall the appurtenances of youth: and therewith you have given, too,in your joking way--which nobody appreciates more heartily thanI,--a shadow that renders all things not quite satisfactory, notwholly to be trusted, not to be met with frankness. Now--as youunderstand, I hope,--I concede the jest, I do not for a moment denyit is a master-stroke of humor. But, after all, just what exactly isthe point of it? What does it mean?"
"It may be that there is no meaning anywhere. Could you face thatinterpretation, Jurgen?"
"No," said Jurgen: "I have faced god and devil, but that I will notface."
"No more would I who have so many names face that. You jested withme. So I jest with you. Probably Koshchei jests with all of us. Andhe, no doubt--even Koshchei who made things as they are,--is in turnthe butt of some larger jest."
"He may be, certainly," said Jurgen: "yet, on the other hand--"
"About these matters I do not know. How should I? But I think thatall of us take part in a moving and a shifting and a reasoned usingof the things which are Koshchei's, a using such as we do notcomprehend, and are not fit to comprehend."
"That is possible," said Jurgen: "but, none the less--!"
"It is as a chessboard whereon the pieces move diversely: theknights leaping sidewise, and the bishops darting obliquely, and therooks charging straightforward, and the pawns laboriously hobblingfrom square to square, each at the player's will. There is nodiscernible order, all to the onlooker is manifestly in confusion:but to the player there is a meaning in the disposition of thepieces."
"I do not deny it: still, one must grant--"
"And I think it is as though each of the pieces, even the pawns, hada chessboard of his own which moves as he is moved, and whereupon hemoves the pieces to suit his will, in the very moment wherein he ismoved willy-nilly."
"You may be right: yet, even so--"
"And Koshchei who directs this infinite moving of puppets may wellbe the futile harried king in some yet larger game."
"Now, certainly I cannot contradict you: but, at the same time--!"
"So goes this criss-cross multitudinous moving as far as thought canreach: and beyond that the moving goes. All moves. All movesuncomprehendingly, and to the sound of laughter. For all moves inconsonance with a higher power that understands the meaning of themovement. And each moves the pieces before him in consonance withhis ability. So the game is endless and ruthless: and there ismerriment overhead, but it is very far away."
"Nobody is more willing to concede that these are handsome fancies,Mother Sereda. But they make my head ache. Moreover, two people areneeded to play chess, and your hypothesis does not provide anybodywith an antagonist. Lastly, and above all, how do I know there is aword of truth in your high-sounding fancies?"
"How can any of us know anything? And what is Jurgen, that hisknowing or his not knowing should matter to anybody?"
Jurgen slapped his hands together. "Hah, Mother Sereda!" says he,"but now I have you. It is that, precisely that damnable question,which your shadow has been whispering to me from the beginning ofour companionship. And I am through with you. I will have no more ofyour gifts, which are purchased at the cost of hearing that whisper.I am resolved henceforward to be as other persons, and to believeimplicitly in my own importance."
"But have you any reason to blame me? I restored to you your youth.And when, just at the passing of that replevined Wednesday which Iloaned, you rebuked the Countess Dorothy very edifyingly, I waspleased to find a
man so chaste: and therefore I continued my grantof youth--"
"Ah, yes!" said Jurgen: "then that was the way of it! You werepleased, just in the nick of time, by my virtuous rebuke of thewoman who tempted me. Yes, to be sure. Well, well! come now, youknow, that is very gratifying."
"None the less your chastity, however unusual, has proved a barrenvirtue. For what have you made of a year of youth? Why, each thingthat every man of forty-odd by ordinary regrets having done, youhave done again, only more swiftly, compressing the follies of aquarter of a century into the space of one year. You have soughtbodily pleasures. You have made jests. You have asked many idlequestions. And you have doubted all things, including Jurgen. In theface of your memories, in the face of what you probably consideredcordial repentance, you have made of your second youth just nothing.Each thing that every man of forty-odd regrets having done, you havedone again."
"Yes: it is undeniable that I re-married," said Jurgen. "Indeed, nowI think of it, there was Anaitis and Chloris and Florimel, so that Ihave married thrice in one year. But I am largely the victim ofheredity, you must remember, since it was without consulting me thatSmoit of Glathion perpetuated his characteristics."
"Your marriages I do not criticize, for each was in accordance withthe custom of the country: the law is always respectable; andmatrimony is an honorable estate, and has a steadying influence, inall climes. It is true my shadow reports several other affairs--"
"Oh, godmother, and what is this you are telling me!"
"There was a Yolande and a Guenevere"--the voice of Mother Seredaappeared to read from a memorandum,--"and a Sylvia, who was your ownstep-grandmother, and a Stella, who was a yogini, whatever that maybe; and a Phyllis and a Dolores, who were the queens of Hell andPhilistia severally. Moreover, you visited the Queen of Pseudopolisin circumstances which could not but have been unfavorably viewed byher husband. Oh, yes, you have committed follies with divers women."
"Follies, it may be, but no crimes, not even a misdemeanor. Lookyou, Mother Sereda, does your shadow report in all this year onesingle instance of misconduct with a woman?" says Jurgen, sternly.
"No, dearie, as I joyfully concede. The very worst reported is thatmatters were sometimes assuming a more or less suspicious turn whenyou happened to put out the light. And, of course, shadows cannotexist in absolute darkness."
"See now," said Jurgen, "what a thing it is to be careful! Careful,I mean, in one's avoidance of even an appearance of evil. In whatother young man of twenty-one may you look to find such continence?And yet you grumble!"
"I do not complain because you have lived chastely. That pleases me,and is the single reason you have been spared this long."
"Oh, godmother, and whatever are you telling me!"
"Yes, dearie, had you once sinned with a woman in the youth I gave,you would have been punished instantly and very terribly. For I wasalways a great believer in chastity, and in the old days I used toinsure the chastity of all my priests in the only way that isinfallible."
"In fact, I noticed something of the sort as you passed in Leuke."
"And over and over again I have been angered by my shadow's reports,and was about to punish you, my poor dearie, when I would rememberthat you held fast to the rarest of all virtues in a man, and thatmy shadow reported no irregularities with women. And that wouldplease me, I acknowledge: so I would let matters run on a whilelonger. But it is a shiftless business, dearie, for you are makingnothing of the youth I restored to you. And had you a thousand livesthe result would be the same."
"Nevertheless, I am a monstrous clever fellow." Jurgen chuckledhere.
"You are, instead, a palterer; and your life, apart from that finesong you made about me, is sheer waste."
"Ah, if you come to that, there was a brown man in the Druid forest,who showed me a very curious spectacle, last June. And I am not aptto lose the memory of what he showed me, whatever you may say, andwhatever I may have said to him."
"This and a many other curious spectacles you have seen and havemade nothing of, in the false youth I gave you. And therefore myshadow was angry that in the revelation of so much futile trifling Idid not take away the youth I gave--as I have half a mind to do,even now, I warn you, dearie, for there is really no putting up withyou. But I spared you because of my shadow's grudging reports as toyour continence, which is a virtue that we of the Leshy peculiarlyrevere."
Now Jurgen considered. "Eh?--then it is within your ability to makeme old again, or rather, an excellently preserved person of forty-odd,or say, thirty-nine, by the calendar, but not looking it by a longshot? Such threats are easily voiced. But how can I know that you arespeaking the truth?"
"How can any of us know anything? And what is Jurgen, that hisknowing or his not knowing should matter to anybody?"
"Ah, godmother, and must you still be mumbling that! Come now,forget you are a woman, and be reasonable! You exercise the fair andancient privilege of kinship by calling me harsh names, but it is inthe face of this plain fact: I got from you what never man has gotbefore. I am a monstrous clever fellow, say what you will: foralready I have cajoled you out of a year of youth, a year wherein Ihave neither builded nor robbed any churches, but have had upon thewhole a very pleasant time. Ah, you may murmur platitudes andthreats and axioms and anything else which happens to appeal to you:the fact remains that I got what I wanted. Yes, I cajoled you veryneatly into giving me eternal youth. For, of course, poor dear, youare now powerless to take it back: and so I shall retain, in spiteof you, the most desirable possession in life."
"I gave, in honor of your chastity, which is the one commendabletrait that you possess--"
"My chastity, I grant you, is remarkable. Nevertheless, you reallygave because I was the cleverer."
"--And what I give I can retract at will!"
"Come, come, you know very well you can do nothing of the sort. Irefer you to Saevius Nicanor. None of the Leshy can ever take backthe priceless gift of youth. That is explicitly proved, in theAppendix."
"Now, but I am becoming angry--"
"To the contrary, as I perceive with real regret, you are becomingridiculous, since you dispute the authority of Saevius Nicanor."
"--And I will show you--oh, but I will show you, you jackanapes!"
"Ah, but come now! keep your temper in hand! All fairly eruditepersons know you cannot do the thing you threaten: and it isnotorious that the weakest wheel of every cart creaks loudest. So doyou cultivate a judicious taciturnity! for really nobody is going toput up with petulance in an ugly and toothless woman of your age, asI tell you for your own good."
It always vexes people to be told anything for their own good. Sowhat followed happened quickly. A fleece of cloud slipped over themoon. The night seemed bitterly cold, for the space of a heart-beat,and then matters were comfortable enough. The moon emerged in itsfull glory, and there in front of Jurgen was the proper shadow ofJurgen. He dazedly regarded his hands, and they were the hands of anelderly person. He felt the calves of his legs, and they wereshrunken. He patted himself centrally, and underneath the shirt ofNessus the paunch of Jurgen was of impressive dimension. In otherrespects he had abated.
"Then, too, I have forgotten something very suddenly," reflectedJurgen. "It was something I wanted to forget. Ah, yes! but what wasit that I wanted to forget? Why, there was a brown man--withsomething unusual about his feet--He talked nonsense and behavedidiotically in a Druid forest--He was probably insane. No, I do notremember what it was that I have forgotten: but I am sure it hasgnawed away in the back of my mind, like a small ruinous maggot: andthat, after all, it was of no importance."
Aloud he wailed, in his most moving tones: "Oh, Mother Sereda, I didnot mean to anger you. It was not fair to snap me up on athoughtless word! Have mercy upon me, Mother Sereda, for I wouldnever have alluded to your being so old and plain-looking if I hadknown you were so vain!"
But Mother Sereda did not appear to be softened by this form ofentreaty, for nothing happened.
"Well, then,
thank goodness, that is over!" says Jurgen, to himself."Of course, she may be listening still, and it is dangerous jestingwith the Leshy: but really they do not seem to be very intelligent.Otherwise this irritable maunderer would have known that, everythingelse apart, I am heartily tired of the responsibilities of youthunder any such constant surveillance. Now all is changed: there isno call to avoid a suspicion of wrong doing by transacting allphilosophical investigations in the dark: and I am no longerdistrustful of lamps or candles, or even of sunlight. Old body, youare as grateful as old slippers, to a somewhat wearied man: and forthe second time I have tricked Mother Sereda rather neatly. Myknowledge of Lisa, however painfully acquired, is a decidedadvantage in dealing with anything that is feminine."
Then Jurgen regarded the black cave. "And that reminds me it stillwould be, I suppose, the manly thing to continue my quest for Lisa.The intimidating part is that if I go into this cave for the thirdtime I shall almost certainly get her back. By every rule oftradition the third attempt is invariably successful. I wonder if Iwant Lisa back?"
Jurgen meditated: and he shook a grizzled head. "I do not definitelyknow. She was an excellent cook. There were pies that I shall alwaysremember with affection. And she meant well, poor dear! But then ifit was really her head that I sliced off last May--or if her temperis not any better--Still, it is an interminable nuisance washingyour own dishes: and I appear to have no aptitude whatever forsewing and darning things. But, to the other hand, Lisa nags so: andshe does not understand me--"
Jurgen shrugged. "See-saw! the argument for and against might run onindefinitely. Since I have no real preference, I will humorprejudice by doing the manly thing. For it seems only fair: andbesides, it may fail after all."
Then he went into the cave for the third time.