I slid on ice for the third time, using the branches along the wooded path to keep myself from falling.
There was something incredibly eerie about the Oakland woods in the middle of the night. It wasn’t nearly as serene, beautiful, or magical as I’d remembered it.
I’d only ever taken this path once before. The first time I’d come through here, it was daytime, and I was holding on to Luke’s hand to keep from losing my way through the trees.
After ten minutes of trudging through the snow, I finally reached the opening. The hills that were once spread with thick, luscious, green grass and beautiful wildflowers were now covered with two inches of white, mostly untouched snow. The blanket glistened in the moonlight, and now—more than ever—I understood why Luke came out here to escape.
Sitting at the far edge of the nearest hill, Luke stared out at the rolling acres. A fire burned next to him, crackling and popping as he looked on.
I took a few loud steps toward him, still trying to keep my balance.
“Luke,” I said quietly, hoping not to scare him.
He didn’t turn to acknowledge me. He simply looked on without moving an inch.
“You’re getting good at this disappearing act,” I tried to break the ice with a little smile. “You’ve been MIA for quite some time now, and you never did tell me how you got out of the cell last week. What’s your secret?” Still, he didn’t look at me. Figuring he wasn’t in any kind of mood to joke, I let go of a sigh. “I hope you’re not mad that I came out here…. I figured you wanted to be alone, but I’ve been worried about you. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” A few quiet minutes passed. I took a seat on the snow-covered hill and stared at him from the corner of my eye. “You’ve been ignoring me.”
“No,” he whispered, finally looking at me. His nose was red and his cheeks were burned from the wind. “I left my phone at home. It’s probably dead.”
“How long have you been out here?” I asked. “Is this where you came yesterday after you left the parade? Lonnie said you never showed up at the house, which we all kinda thought you would. When… when no one had heard from you, I was scared that you might’ve—”
“Fled?” he asked, understanding why I’d assume so. He shook his head and then looked across the empty field. “I’ve been here, yes.”
“The whole time?” I wrapped my coat tighter. The cold wind trumped the warmth of the fire, so it worried me that he’d spent so long in these elements.
“I didn’t sleep here, if that’s what you’re asking,” he said. “I slept at home. I came back first thing this morning.”
I nodded. “It’s cold—”
“It’s… the only place I can…,” he dropped his head. “I don’t trust myself around him. I had to walk away, Julie.”
“He never meant to hurt me, Luke,” I said, for what it was worth. “I provoked him. I… hit him first, actually. He just didn’t want to believe what I was telling him. He wanted me to stop talking, but… I didn’t. It was my fault.”
“It’s never your fault when someone else hurts you,” he said. “And I’m going to take care of it. I just… have to get my head on straight before I do. I have to get rid of all this rage, and that means letting go of everything I’ve been holding on to. Because the way I feel about you, kid… it conquers everything else. Nothing else is that big. Not me, not Charlie, not my father, and certainly not my past. You are the most important. And loving you means protecting you, so I’m going to make this right.”
“You know what I want, Luke?” I asked, undoubtedly a little frazzled by what he’d just said. As sweet as it was though, he needed to understand what I truly needed from him “I want you to forgive him. If you can let go of what he did to you, you can let go of what he did to me. It wasn’t intentional. Lonnie’s a good guy at heart, you know that. He has an amazing wife, an incredible son, and a world of love to give to the people who take the time to understand him.” I took his hands and squeezed them tight. “I want to be in your life, Luke. And I want that life to include Lonnie and Grace. They’re your family. So, please put this anger behind you. Stop running. Because eventually, you’re gonna get old. And do you really want to reach the end of your life and reflect… and realize that you spent so many years running from the people who loved you the most?”
Luke didn’t say anything, but he nodded.
“Luke,” I slid closer to him, “you can’t control what Lonnie does any more than you can control the weather. He’s your father. He’s bound to set you off sometimes—if not more so than I do.” He smiled. We both knew it was true. I had a way of pushing Luke’s buttons. If anything, I’d become a master at pissing him off; that’s what had brought us out to this field all those months ago in the first place. “Take a breath, let it go, and make things right with him.”
A few silent moments passed before another sound came from either of us. This time, it was Luke.
“Jules,” he shook his head, “promise me something.”
“Anything.”
“That you’ll never stop.”
“Never stop what?”
He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, “Loving me the way you do.”
I nodded as a tear slipped from my eye.
I hoped that he’d never doubt the magnitude of my love for him, but if it made him feel better hearing it, I’d repeat it a thousand times for no other reason than to reassure him.
“I’ll always love you, Luke,” I said. “I promise.”
We stood outside the door of Lonnie and Grace’s house. Luke’s hand held mine, and even now I could feel his palms sweating through my gloves.
The Christmas lights on their house sparkled and blinked with the change of each carol they played, and the snow fell almost rhythmically with each change of the lights.
“This is the first time we’re going to be in the same room together for this long in… God, I don’t know how long,” Luke said, still staring at the doorbell.
Grace and Lonnie had extended an invitation to me, Charlie, and Matt to join them at their annual Christmas celebration. Behind the door, Charlie and Matt (who’d brought Kara) were inside, celebrating the holidays with their friends. No doubt Bruno was there. I’d waited patiently at the house to see if Luke would show up and tag along, even though he wasn’t invited.
He wanted to take the first step. He wanted to make amends. Not for my sake, but for his own. But he was nervous, and rightfully so.
“You don’t have to do this if you’re not ready,” I squeezed his fingers tighter.
He nodded, but let go of my hand. He extended his arm toward the doorbell and took a brief pause. His finger hovered in the air just an inch from the button, but he never pushed it.
“Julie,” he turned back to me.
“It’s okay,” I said. “We’ll just go back home. I’ll make a pizza, and we can just put this whole night behind us—”
“No,” he said, but I could still hear the hesitancy in his voice. “I want to go in… I just… first… thank you.”
I smiled and nodded. “You don’t have to thank me, Luke. I didn’t do anything.”
“You’re giving me my life back,” he said. “And not just my old life, but a better one, one with my dad…with you. I don’t deserve—”
“Stop,” I said. “You do. You deserve it more than anyone I know.”
Once again, he reached for the bell.
“Luke,” I said before he rang it. He turned back to me with a questionable glance. “Before we go in there… I just want to say something.”
“Okay?”
“I love you,” I said. “You need to know that—”
“I do.”
“But really,” I said, “I haven’t had a chance to just say that to you. Either you’re fighting to stay alive, or brooding, or running. Every time I’ve been able to tell you that… I can’t just say it without looking for some kind of response or end result. There’s always something attach
ed to it. Like, Luke, I love you, don’t die. Or Luke, I love you, please don’t kill Lonnie. Or Luke, I love you, please forgive your dad.”
“Julie,” he lifted his hand to brush a snowflake off my cheek, “I love you, too.”
He lowered his lips to mine, and my mouth parted for his. The warmth of his touch soared through me, heating every surface, every vein, and exploding every nerve. I was so hopelessly, irrevocably in love with him. For the first time since we’d met, I didn’t have to question how he felt.
He was there, right in front of me. I was wrapped in his arms, a willing recipient of his tender embrace, and enjoying every second of our rhythmic kiss.
When he pulled away, he brushed my face yet again, this time just to feel the warmth of my cheeks beneath his fingers.
“Promise me something,” I whispered.
“Anything.”
“That you’ll never stop.”
A small smirk lifted the corner of his lip, “Never stop what?”
“Kissing me the way you do,” I tried to restrain a smile.
A low groan escaped from his throat, and I couldn’t help but flash him a daring smile.
“Julie Little,” he said, shaking his head, “I will hold you, love you, kiss you, and protect you forever. That’s a promise.”
And with that, our lips fell together again. Luke held me close against his tight body. Even through the layers, I could feel the heat radiating between us. We were lost in a kiss that felt far too right, and completely unbreakable … until the front door swung open and Lonnie stood at the threshold.
Luke and I pulled away, both staring forward at Lonnie.
“Lonnie,” I tried to keep my tone formal despite his overly eccentric Christmas sweater. I wanted to laugh, God I wanted to. But Luke nudged me with his elbow, and I straightened up. “I hope it’s okay that I brought a date?”
Luke’s father eyed him, and the two men stared at each other for a few long seconds—neither one wearing an expression to indicate what would happen next.
When Luke raised his hand to invite a handshake from his father, Lonnie shook his head.
“No,” he took a step onto the porch.
They stood a foot away from each other, both of them staring. Luke gnawed on his bottom lip; Lonnie breathed heavily. And without a moment’s notice, they fell into each other’s arms. Lonnie wrapped his son in a hug big enough, warm enough, and assuring enough to last until the end of time. The two men held on to each other for so long I couldn’t keep track of the minutes.
“Welcome home, Lucas,” Lonnie finally said through heavy sobs as he wiped his face with the sleeve of his flashy sweater.
Arm-in-arm, the two men walked into the house to join Grace, Bruno, Charlie, Matt, Kara, and the rest of the party.
I turned and looked out at the snow, watching as it picked up. I reached up and held the key, which I’d made into a necklace, and closed my eyes. I wished Derek a silent Merry Christmas, wherever he was. And then I turned into the house to be with the people I loved… refusing to waste a single breath from that moment on.
For the first time in a long time, my heart was right at home.
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