"Sure. You can ask me anything."
The solemn look in Katie's expression tugged at him. Why was she so pensive? What was on her mind? "C'mere," he said, patting the couch next to him. Katie jumped to her feet. When she sat down beside him he asked, "Is something bothering you?"
Katie's brows knitted in a frown of concern. "I don't talk about dad to mom much, because even though she tries to hide it, I know it upsets her."
"Okay."
"I don't think he wants me."
"Ah," Mike said. He put his beer down on the side table and waited for Katie to say more.
"My father never called when I broke my arm. He sent flowers but there was no card. I think his secretary sent the flowers and mom got rid of the card for some reason. He must have said something stupid."
"Oh." Smart kid, he thought.
Mike had been deeply involved in his nieces' and nephews' lives, so he figured that to some degree he understood children. Kids knew a lot more than they let on.
Parents imagined that they were protecting their children by concealing things – but they didn't realize that it went the other way too. It seemed that kids hid things from their parents for the same reason – to protect their parents and to avoid hurting them.
"Lots of kids at school don’t have a father," Katie added. "One of my friends has a dad, but he's in jail. She still gets letters from him and talks to him on the phone. I keep thinking that I'm jealous of my friend whose dad is in jail. Isn't that crazy? Her dad is a criminal. But at least he has a good reason not to see her, and he misses her. Does that make sense?"
"It sure does."
Katie looked so sad and wounded. Mike had to hold himself back from grabbing her up into his arms to comfort her. It was too soon for that. Katie hadn't known him long enough for that. But by God, he really wanted to beat the shit out of her father.
"I don't know why, but for some reason my dad just doesn’t want me," Katie said. "I've been thinking about it a lot, and wondering why."
"What did you decide?" Mike asked in a deliberately even voice.
Katie gave him a sweet, wan smile. "I can't figure it out."
"You want to know what I think?" Mike said.
Her big brown eyes met his, and she nodded.
"Your dad has you as his daughter – yet he doesn't," he began. "I think life is sometimes about what you earn or what you're worthy of, not what you have. It's called karma. Good or bad, everyone eventually gets what they deserve. Your dad doesn’t seem to want you."
His expression hardened. Mike took a deep breath and tried not to look as fierce as he was feeling. "Well, right now I don’t think that man deserves you. And you sure as heck don’t deserve a man like him, Katie. In my opinion your father isn't good enough for you."
He sat up straight and turned toward her fully, hoping he was explaining himself properly. "You see, Ziggy and I are in this big house all alone. We've been lonely. We really want you, Katie. You're funny, and smart. You're good company. I'm a nice person, and I think I deserve to hang around a great kid like you."
He took her little hand in his big one, and squeezed. "I'll never be your dad, Katie. You already have a father, but I want to be a big part of your life," he said, exhaling a deep breath. "I've never had a daughter, but if I did have one, I'd want her to be just like you. I don't think there is a daughter anywhere in the whole world that is nicer and more perfect than you are."
With a choking gasp, Katie flew into him, wrapping her small arms around his neck and crying her eyes out. Her emotional response surprised and shook him. This little girl, just like her mother, seemed so quiet and self contained.
Mike just held her and patted and stroked her back. He reached over to the box of tissues on the side table and gave her a few.
When she settled down, she let him go, and slid back down onto the couch. She looked a little shy from her impulsive show of emotion. Mike took her hand back into his, interlocking his fingers in hers.
Katie gripped him back tightly. Blond and brown-eyed, she looked up at him with her childish sweetness, and that strangely adult wisdom combined with innocence. "I love you, Mike," she said.
He smiled down at her with a full heart. "I love you, too, sweetheart."
39. Practice
Sunday night Marcy locked her bedroom door.
Katie and I live with Mike, she thought, realizing that she was happier than she had been in a very long time. She had still been having regular dreams of her mother, but they were no longer urgent or disturbing. Her mom nodded and smiled in her dreams now. She seemed pleased with Marcy.
This was no surprise. Marcy was pleased with herself.
Marcy's friend, Amber, and her daughter, Samantha had moved back in with Amber's mother now that her lease on the condo had expired. It had all worked out as well as could be expected. Amber was one of the few single mothers Marcy knew who rarely drank and never even smoked an occasional joint.
That alone had made them firm friends.
Being a single mother was a rough life - not for the weak or faint hearted. Tough women had literally died with the stress of it. Many single mothers without money and social support self-medicated with illegal drugs or overused alcohol.
Why wouldn't they? It seemed a solution when one was trying to get one's head into the right state. How else could they get up every day when a mountain of unsolvable problems were crushing them?
While Marcy sympathized, to her using drugs or having regular alcoholic binges were lines that shouldn’t be crossed. It was too easy to succumb to temporary relief.
Marcy had met Amber when she started working at the Bellagio eight months previously. Amber had needed another roommate, which is how Marcy had moved into her rented condo with her. Their daughters, Katie and Sam had become firm friends at first sight.
As much as Amber's mom annoyed the hell out of Amber, she was good to her granddaughter, Sam. Their condo had been close to school, but from her grandmother's house it was a long drive to school twice a day. Because of that, at the end of the school year, poor Sam would have to change schools again. But at least she would be going back to the one she had attended previously.
Marcy's daughter had changed schools after Marcy had sold her mother's house. For Katie, a new school was just another big trial in her young life. Katie stoically adjusted to everything and didn't complain, but Marcy knew that she had been having a difficult time. Sam was a year older than Katie, but was Katie's best friend.
Marcy had discussed with Mike the plan of having Samantha over regularly to visit. Amber was welcome as well, when she had time off work at the casino. They talked on the phone almost every day. Her friend was happy for Marcy's good fortune.
"You go, girl," Amber had told Marcy. "You deserve a guy like Mike. Just be sure to set me up with any unmarried brothers, will you?" They had laughed at that. Marcy told Amber that she was out of luck, because Mike's only unmarried brother was gay.
Marcy took a deep breath. She wasn't going to forget her friend. Maybe Mike knew someone for Amber?
Realizing that she was procrastinating, Marcy brought out André's bag of tricks. Then she tipped them onto the bed. There was quite a display of stuff including nipple clamps, vibrators, four DVD's and a letter.
Ma Belle,
It is an honor to assist you. Be assured that you are quite normal and will soon experience your first orgasm. Study the pictures and technical information concerning the common erogenous zones of a woman's body. Thoroughly learn the details, if you please. A woman can climax using any of these areas. (See attached list 'A' for erogenous zones).
Marcy flipped to list A which had detailed drawings and suggestions of what to do with each. This included pictures of how to use different vibrators. It took her some time to go through these. André said to be thorough so there was no room for embarrassment. This was important. It was about her future happiness with Mike.
It was about his happiness too, because Mike would never
be content unless she was able to climax.
Marcy took her clothes off and went to a mirror to check out her own parts as compared with the manual. The G-spot was a circular spot, about five centimeters past the clitoris. It could be found on the inner upper wall of the vagina, facing toward the pubic bone. When stimulated it often gave the urge to pee.
If a woman was aroused the G-spot became thicker and coarse. Otherwise it apparently felt the same as the rest of her vagina.
A woman was supposed to get an idea of the G-spot through leg raisers, or certain other abdominal exercises, like Pilates abdominal curl-ups. Marcy did a few of each, trying to get a mental picture of the mysterious spot. She thrust her hips up, while arching and tilting her pelvis forward, rounding as if into a ball.
This was supposed to work the elusive G-spot erogenous zone.
If she had access to a pole, the suggestion was to hold on to the pole and physically raise one's feet off the ground. The clitoris would be in contact with the pole, which was good. Even better however, while curling the hips and pelvis upward and bending forward, it stimulated both the clitoris and the G-spot.
Hmmm. Mental note. Take up pole dancing.
She was uncertain about the G-spot, but she was pretty sure she could use a vibrator on where it was supposed to be.
Lips were at the top of the list of most important female erogenous zones. Not the labia, the folds of her nether lips. Mouth lips... that door to heavenly bliss.
That didn't surprise her. When Mike kissed her with his driving passion it made her melt and want to fold into him. Other erogenous area were breasts, nipples, vagina, clitoris, G-spot, anus, buttocks, inner thighs, behind the knees, nape of neck, ears, wrists and feet.
Huh. Ok. She kept reading.
The DVD's are French erotica specifically ménage, vanilla sex (including anal) Domination (Female in control) and submission (Female controlled). With an open mind please watch these and pay close attention to your body. There are many ways for a woman to achieve orgasm. Desire begins in a woman's mind, yet first you must discover what arouses you. (See list 'B' for evidence of arousal).
Marcy flipped to the list of how one can tell if a woman is aroused. Hmmm. Flushed skin, pupil dilation, elevated breathing, elevated pulse, swollen erect nipples, swollen breasts, vaginal lubrication, blood moving to vagina creating swelling and enlargement, swollen labia, change in color of labia, swollen and erect clitoris. Alrightly then!
Trust that you are a normal woman with a normal body. There is no shame, no need for concern. If you apply yourself, you can and will do this. With constant practice many women learn to climax at will from only their lover's command.
You mentioned that you crave the intimacy and connection that comes from love and communication. Part of an orgasm for you may be achieved through making such an honest skin-to-skin, soul-to-soul connection. Knowing that your lover understands you, and you understand him is important. Meeting the eyes of your partner during love making may be an example of this.
Does watching an erotic video arouse you? Or reading an erotic book? Do you imagine your lover doing these acts with you? To you? To him? Which acts in particular stimulate you? Make a note of these.
Does the idea of you arousing your partner excite you? Does the thought of wearing erotic apparel or perhaps displaying yourself for his pleasure interest you? Do you enjoy seeing him come, even more than a climax of your own? Many women reach fever pitch at the idea of their partner using their bodies until they achieve orgasm. With some, the sight, smell or taste of a man's cum will trigger climax.
Think of kissing and touching. Do you feel aroused when you touch, taste or smell the object of your desire? Or when he touches you?
See list 'C' for specific details of how women masturbate.
Bonne fortune, ma belle,
André
Good fortune, or good luck, he wrote. This sentiment warmed her and she smiled. André even wrote with a French accent. For the hundredth time Marcy thanked God that she had resisted temptation and hadn't taken that $100 bill.
If she had taken it, she would have never met André. If she hadn’t met André she would have never known Mike. And then where would she be?
40. DIY
Marcy briefly read through an internet printout giving a detailed DIY.
Apparently women could have a clitoral orgasm – which was easiest. They could also have a vaginal (G-spot) orgasm, which was more difficult, or both simultaneously which was apparently mind-blowing. Marcy would be more than happy with a little clitoral orgasm to start.
The DIY suggested a safe space, dim lights and such to create the right mood, and soaping her erogenous zones in the shower. Determined – Marcy went to the shower.
When she returned she put the normal sex DVD in, got comfortable and began to watch it. The video began with a man and woman eating dinner – fully dressed. The man was built and handsome, the woman blonde and beautiful. The man began playful overtures, touching and kissing. Unlike Trent's porn, Marcy found their sexy interaction a serious turn-on.
The couple teased and kissed and laughed, looking into each other's eyes with lust and longing and love. These had to be actual lovers, not actors - the intimacy was too powerful to be otherwise. She could see it in the man's eyes; this woman was not just sexually desired. She was valued, special and respected. She mattered to him.
Now that is temperature raising, burning, flaming hot.
She lay down on her back and got comfortable. While watching she used her finger in a feather-like touch between her legs. She delicately moved, going round and round, up and down, and side to side on her clitoris. The idea was just to see how it felt, and notice what made her feel good.
The G-spot didn't have to be touched. Apparently if the woman tilted her pelvis in a particular way, it would work exactly where the G-spot was. Pushing down with one's heels and arching up while masturbating the clit would make it react. Bending in a certain way while riding a man when on top could cause a G-spot spasm.
The man on the video kissed – oh did he kiss! He kissed that woman until her lips were red and swollen, and then he kissed down her neck, and behind her ear. That God-like hottie showered the woman with kisses, while stroking her breasts. It made Marcy heat up like the fires of Hell, particularly when she remembered Mike's super erotic kisses.
Marcy found her breathing and pulse had increased. The video helped, but in her mind she was imagining Mike doing those things to her. Sex in this video was playful, fun and intimate. It was nothing like the sex she had experienced with her ex.
When the man began to suck the woman's breast, Marcy pulled at her own nipples, imagining Mike doing that. He licked lower, spreading her and sucking in her clitoris and licking her neither lips. Marcy paused the video.
Trent never went down on her. The one time he did he told her that she stunk like the tuna they had fed their cat, Tommy. She had forgotten that, but it had disturbed her for some time. He made her overly neurotic concerning her own cleanliness, and anxious about her scent. Asshole.
She restarted the DVD. Speaking of asshole, the man in the video had his finger up hers! Marcy wasn't sure what she thought about that, but the woman certainly seemed to like it.
Marcy fast forwarded until the woman went down on the man. This she could do. She was on safer ground with a blow job. Marcy felt confident that she could please Mike with oral sex. She also had a strong yearning to do so, and made a note of it.
On the advice of the DIY advice sheet she inserted a couple of fingers inside her vagina. She was wet, quite wet – so that was good. The sensation of her fingers around her opening was pleasurable, so she touched herself there, circling for some time.
With her fingers inside herself, she tightened and relaxed her vaginal muscles in rapid succession. It felt… interesting. These vaginal contractions were apparently what happened when a woman experienced an orgasm. It had never happened to her before. Trying to become familiar with
the feeling, she continued to work her vaginal muscles.
Tighten, relax. Tighten, relax. This is what it will feel like. Mike will be inside me, not my fingers. It must create an amazing sensation on a man's cock, to be squeezed in rapid pulsing contractions like that.
It was a kind of revelation to her, how a human body worked to create pleasure to both man and woman from the reproductive act. The thought of giving Mike a child ratcheted up her arousal. But could he have children? Mike was protective and loving and a good provider.
He was such a good father to Katie already.
The moisture she had, when spread over her clit felt good, so she practiced with that. When she did, a warm sensation began to build low in her belly. Yes. She varied the speed and intensity of her finger movement, just as the man on the video was doing.
Touching her breasts seemed a bit silly. Determined, Marcy ignored any little voices telling her that she was too stupid on the subject of sex or telling her that she was a failure. Or that she was frigid and that she would never figure it out.
She even heard a little voice tell her "This is wrong," and "You are a bad girl" which surprised her. Where did that come from? Was that the voice of her father? Or some religious indoctrination?
Still inhibited, but getting over it, she decided. Tomorrow I'll try a vibrator.
Marcy watched the entire video and played with herself the whole time. It felt good, but she never experienced anything specific. Just a pleasurable aching pulse. Close but no cigar. She checked her notes so far of what aroused her:
Intimacy and connection. Love and communication. Kissing, smiling, fun. Kissing – kissing is just too amazing. Lots of kissing. Mike's scent, the feel of him hard against me. Going down on Mike. Making Mike climax. Nipples. Breasts. Clitoris. Fingering around the opening of her vagina. Giving Mike a baby…
Now there was an idea.
It was a natural desire, she supposed, to have a child with the one she loved. Was Mike incapable of fathering a child? Was that why he avoided discussing it? She and Mike had talked on almost every topic, but he never brought up the subject of having children. The one time he mentioned it he looked so sad. So wounded.