“But you were going to?”
We never talk like this. Ever. I used to wish that mother would have real talks with me, but now that one is happening I kind of want her to go back to ignoring me.
“Not really,” I say.
She inspects a box of pills. “Where did you get these?”
“They’re really old. They’re probably expired.”
“Why do you still have this stuff if you’re not planning to use it?”
“I don’t know.” It’s hard to explain. My secret box is symbolic. It’s like I’ve been holding on to it to remind myself that things could be worse.
Mother starts crying again.
I have no idea what to do. I’ve never seen her like this. I can’t believe she’s crying because of me. But I think it’s a good thing. Because it proves that, contrary to all evidence, mother might actually care.
twenty-five
wednesday, june 15
(a whole lifetime left)
“Everything you said about this place is true,” Sherae raves.
We’re at Nightfloat, that sweet coffeehouse in the city. It’s me, Julian, Sherae, and Simon. Julian drove us here to celebrate the happy fact that summer vacay starts in two days.
“It’s even better than I remembered,” I marvel.
Simon gets up from the table we finally managed to snag. “Who wants what?” he asks. “My treat.”
“Well, in that case …” Julian starts.
“Sherae and I want coffee cake,” I say. I look at Sherae. We crack up.
“Is coffee cake like code for something?” Simon asks.
“You had to be there,” Sherae explains.
“I wish I was,” Simon tells her. He’s all hovering by Sherae. Then he snaps out of it and goes up to the counter.
“Hey,” Julian says. “I didn’t get to order.”
“Yeah, Simon’s a little distracted at the moment.” I’ve noticed that Simon seems increasingly distracted around Sherae. Not that Sherae’s ready to notice any boy noticing her. But maybe she’ll be ready next year. How awesome would it be if Simon and Sherae started going out?
A band has been setting up in the corner. Hipster boys on guitars strum chords. The badass girl drummer does a sound check. The lead singer’s shaggy brown hair falls across his eyes as he reaches down to adjust some cables. He shakes his hair back and leans into the mic.
“Hey,” he goes. “I’m Jordan. We’re Residue. Let’s rock.”
Julian slides his chair closer to mine and puts his arm around me. Our legs are touching under the table. I press my leg against his. He presses back.
I love having the whole summer ahead of me, glimmering with possibility. I already have a summer job lined up at the bookstore. Plus, I’m hoping things at home will keep improving. Mother has been acting better ever since her breakdown. She still complains, but she’s been making an effort to ask me about my life instead of just ranting about hers. She was even flexible when I talked to her about making some grocery shopping changes. I’m getting into cooking. I had no idea there were so many different kinds of salads until I started watching cooking shows. I have a special notebook where I write down recipes I want to try.
Mrs. Henley said something interesting in counseling the other day. We were talking about why fitting in is so important to me. The conversation drifted over to mother and her own issues about fitting in. I started thinking about what it must be like for mother to live in our town. Being the only poor parent in a rich area can’t be easy. She must be really embarrassed, too.
Sometimes I look at pictures from when I was little, back when mother took care of me. In this one picture, I’m sitting on the floor by the big Christmas tree we always had when we lived with Lewis, opening a present. Mother’s holding one of my pigtails and putting the elastic back on. I always looked at that picture and wondered, Why did she stop taking care of me? Now I think I understand.
Which doesn’t mean I forgive her for neglecting me. Not at all. I just have to understand where she’s coming from. I’m supposed to keep going to counseling all summer with a psychologist Mrs. Henley put me in touch with. She charges on a sliding scale, so I’ll be going practically for free.
Of course, the best part of this summer will be Julian. I still can’t believe I have a real boyfriend. Someone who sees the true me and likes what he sees. I love that he wants to take care of me. And now I’m ready to let him.
Julian leans in close. “I have something for you,” he whispers.
“What is it?”
“We’ll be right back,” Julian tells Sherae and Simon. They’re enraptured by Residue.
Julian takes me out into the warm almost-summer night. We sit on a cute bench against the window. The bench sits between two trees with pink and white lights.
“I know you’ve been through a lot,” Julian says. “I wish there was some way I could save you from all the badness. I just … want you to be happy.”
“You did save me. And you always make me happy.”
“But I wanted to do something monumental.” Julian takes a folded piece of paper out of his back pocket. “I started this the night I got home from our first date. I was too pumped to sleep. Sorry it’s wrinkled.”
I unfold the paper. There’s some kind of floor plan sketched out. I’m not sure what it’s supposed to be.
“It’s your dream home,” Julian says. “I mean, I’m pretty sure it is. Based on everything you’ve told me. See, here’s your enormous kitchen. That’s the cooking island and here’s where your Sub-Zero goes. And this”—Julian points to a smaller room next to a space labeled Great Room—“is your reading room. It’s lit entirely by natural light—see the glass wall and the skylight? And it has a slanted ceiling for you to hang your mobiles.”
I’m overwhelmed. Julian did this for me? He cares enough about me to know what my dream home would look like? And then to design it for me? He put in all the things I love, everything I’ve talked about having one day.
“This is … amazing.” There’s no way I could ever thank him enough. No one’s ever done anything this incredible for me.
“I knew I wanted to do this when you said you couldn’t wait to have a home and fill it with pretty things. If I could build this for you right now, I would.”
Maybe Julian really will build my dream home one day. But for now, the place where I feel at home doesn’t have to be a house. It can be any place I belong. Like in this city or with my friends … or just knowing that I belong right there in the moment, wherever I am.
There’s a tap on the window behind us. Simon is waving us in.
“A toast!” Simon booms when we get back to our table.
We all hold our mugs up.
“To our zine that is yet to be named. May it help many people feel less alone. To new relationships. And to summer.”
We all tap our mugs together.
Things are finally happening. It’s time to dream even bigger.
I want our zine to unite teens all across America. I want everyone to be inspired by my words.
And this is what I’ll tell them:
For kids stuck in small towns everywhere who feel like you’ll never escape, I hear you. We are all connected. We’re all in this together. You are not alone.
No matter what happens, never ever give up.
Happiness is not limited. There’s enough for everyone. You can start right now, today, to move toward a happier life. Your life is shaped by your choices. Make ones that will help you get where you want to go.
Find your place to belong. It may not be a physical place. At least, not yet. Maybe your place is somewhere you let your imagination take you. Maybe it’s your vision of the way your ideal life will be.
Eventually, you’ll find a real place that feels like home. Your whole world will open up in ways you kept believing were possible. And you’ll be so happy you held on long enough to make it there.
So let’s do this thing. Let’s own what ma
kes us unique. Let’s refuse to allow haters to stop us from moving forward. Let’s turn our dreams into reality.
Starting now.
Dear Readers,
When I was a teen, I would have been mortified to admit that I was being bullied at school. My junior high and high school years were the worst time of my life. Kids picked on me for being a science nerd. They picked on me for not wearing the expensive sweaters and jeans everyone else had. They picked on me for doing weird things like writing song lyrics on my sneakers (this was back in the day before writing on your sneakers was cool). I was embarrassed by all the ways I didn’t fit in.
I am not embarrassed anymore.
After I left for college, I realized that being weird is awesome. You have to stand out if you want to make a difference in the world. I couldn’t believe I’d wasted so much time wishing I fit in with a bunch of people I’d probably never see again for the rest of my life. Suddenly, I was surrounded by hundreds of accepting people who rocked their unique qualities. My real life had finally started and I was determined to never look back again. Of course, writing teen novels involves looking back every day. But that’s okay. Now that I can hopefully help you guys, enduring those bad times was worth it.
Surviving painful times builds strength. You can use that strength to help other people who are going through similar experiences. The torment I survived sparked an ambition to reach out and help other teens feel less alone. That sense of purpose motivated me to become a teacher. And now I connect with way more teens as an author. That’s why I love my job.
I know what it’s like when this life thing gets beyond exhausting. Some days it feels like you’ll never be happy again. On your worst days, the days when it seems like everything is going wrong, when you want to hide from the world and never come out, please know this: I was in that dark place, too. And I made it to the other side. I created a life that makes me happy. If I could do it, so can you.
The most important thing I want to tell you is this: Never give up on your dreams. No matter how many people say it’s impossible, no matter how difficult your journey is, you can create your ideal life. Your heart’s desires can become reality. Make things better now by taking steps every day to get closer to the life you want.
And never, ever give up.
Resources for Readers
Whatever you’re going through, please know that you are not alone. Friendly neighbors are out there who want to help you. Here are a few of them:
Above the Influence—abovetheinfluence.com
Being above the influence is about being yourself—and not letting people pressure you into being less than you. It’s also about having positive influences in your life and knowing that you can be a positive influence on other people. You have the power to reject the negative influences that can bring you down, including the pressure to use drugs, pills, and alcohol.
To Write Love on Her Arms—twloha.com
To Write Love on Her Arms is a movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. If you are worried that you or someone you know may be at risk for suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.SUICIDE.
A Thin Line—athinline.org
New issues like forced sexting, textual harassment, and cyberbullying have emerged, which now affect a majority of teens in the States. A Thin Line was developed to empower teens to identify, respond to, and stop the spread of digital abuse in their lives and among their friends. The campaign is built on the understanding that there’s a “thin line” between what may begin as a harmless joke and something that could end up having a serious impact on you or someone else.
It Gets Better Project—itgetsbetter.org
The It Gets Better Project was created to show young LGBT people the levels of happiness, potential, and positivity their lives will reach—if they can just get through their teen years. The It Gets Better Project reminds teens in the LGBT community that they are not alone—and it will get better.
The Trevor Project—thetrevorproject.org
The Trevor Project is determined to end suicide among LGBTQ youth by providing lifesaving and life-affirming resources including their nationwide, 24/7 crisis-intervention lifeline at 1.866.4.U.TREVOR.
Love Is Respect—loveisrespect.org
Love Is Respect is a joint project between the National Dating Abuse Helpline and Break the Cycle to provide resources for teens, parents, friends, and family. All communication is confidential and anonymous. The National Dating Abuse Helpline at 1.866.331.9474 is a national 24-hour resource that can be accessed by phone or the Internet, specifically designed for teens.
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)—rainn.org
RAINN is the nation’s largest anti–sexual assault organization. It operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE and the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline at rainn.org. The hotline’s services are free and confidential. RAINN leads national efforts to prevent sexual assault, improve services to victims, and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.
Stay Teen—stayteen.org
The goal of Stay Teen is to encourage you to enjoy your teen years and avoid the responsibilities that come with too-early pregnancy and parenting. The more you know about issues like sex, relationships, waiting, and contraception, the better prepared you will be to make informed choices for your future.
Leave Out Violence (LOVE)—leaveoutviolence-us.org
Leave Out Violence was created to reduce and help eliminate violence in the lives of teens and their communities by initiating a movement of youth spokespeople who communicate a message of nonviolence.
Susane Colasanti Wants to Help You Create Your Ideal Life
… Starting Now.
Back in high school, I felt like my real life wouldn’t begin until I left for college. The waiting was excruciating. But then I realized that my real life was already happening. And while there were lots of things I couldn’t control, there were many changes I could make to improve my life.
Your Ideal Life is a presentation designed for teens of all ages. My goal is to motivate participants to identify their goals, then work toward achieving them. I want to inspire teens to turn their dreams into reality. Participants learn how they can improve their lives and the lives of those around them by maximizing positive energy. Working toward goals while trying to make the world a better place is a synergistic approach to creating a happy, productive life.
The presentation includes a workshop component. I guide participants through the process of identifying what’s most important to them, considering both short- and long-term goals. Everyone then develops a viable plan to take daily steps toward reaching the goal that is most important to them. All participants take away a tangible reminder of their heart’s desires and ways to begin making them reality.
I believe that by focusing on the things that matter most to us every day, our thoughts, words, and actions will all be affected in positive ways that will help move us closer to achieving our goals. Your Ideal Life helps teens explore what they can do to improve their lives right now and encourages everyone to make positive choices that will shape both their present and future.
Teachers, librarians, school administrators, and conference coordinators may schedule a visit by contacting Susane at susanecolasanti.com.
Susane Colasanti, Keep Holding On
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