He took one step inside and peered into the kitchen. "Is Neal here?" he whispered.
"No, he's in Baltimore on business," I whispered back.
"The dragon lady asleep?"
I nodded.
Seth wiggled his eyebrows.
"I mean it, Seth. Not long, okay?"
He tip toed down the stairs behind me.
We'd gotten very good at fast and soundless sex. Maybe after a year it was supposed to be that way. Easy. Rehearsed. He took off a little before midnight, leaving me with another two hours of homework. New rule, I decided. Not on a school night. And that included Sunday. Wouldn't my mother be proud?
Chapter 3
Somebody splashed acid in my eyes – at least that's what it felt like. I dug around in my duffel for the case and removed my contacts. Sure, you could swim with contacts in, if you didn't mind going blind. Shit. Now i'd have to wear my glasses all day. I should've searched harder for my goggles this morning.
The locker across from me clanged open and I blinked up to my mirror. There she was, clutching a mega cup of coffee in her left hand, a donut between her teeth. As she reached down for something in her locker, she disappeared from view.
"Ow, ow, shit!"
I whirled. The plastic lid on her cup had fallen off and scalding coffee had poured down her arm. She was hopping around, holding her wrist. I unzipped my duffel and yanked out the first wet thing on top, then charged over and slapped it up against her arm. "Here, use this."
"Owww," she yowled.
I winced, knowing how that hurts. "Let me see. You could have third-degree burns."
She loosened the makeshift bandage and peered at her arm. Good, no blisters. Rash red, though. She smelled spicy, like cinnamon.
I glanced up to see her looking at me, hard. "Do you always carry around a wet swimsuit?" she asked. She indicated her arm, where I'd rewrapped my speedo.
"You never know when you might need one."
She laughed. Infectious.
"Thanks, Holland." She removed the suit. Tried to. My hands were gripping her arm so hard she had to pry them loose.
"Sorry." I let go fast. Rewind. Replay. She knows my name.
"I can't believe I did that." She rubbed her arm. "How am I going to get through the morning without coffee?" Holding the now empty cup, she retrieved chunks of coffee-soaked donut and dropped the soggy mess into the cup.
"There's a coffee machine in the cafeteria," I told her.
"Yeah?" Her eyes lit up. "Thanks. You're a lifesaver." She plucked my swimsuit off the floor and held it up by the crotch. "Literally."
I snatched it away and she smirked. Returning to my locker, I jammed the suit into the duffel and re-zipped it.
"Where do you swim?"
I sprang upright. She'd followed me and was leaning against the locker next to mine.
"In the pool." Well, duh. Holland. Dazzle her with your brilliant repartee. "The school's pool. Downstairs. Open swim begins at six and I can get a few laps in before first hour. My morning cup of coffee."
Her eyebrows arched. "You're seriously demented."
My stomach jumped. I wished it'd stop doing that.
"I'm Cece Goddard." She stuck out her hand.
"I know. Holland –"
"Jaeger. I Know." We both let out little laughs, nervous like, then shook hands. She Said, "You're student body president."
"How did you know that?"
She shrugged. "I asked around."
"Babe, hey." Seth's voice echoed down the hall. I realised I was still holding Cece's hand and dropped it fast. Why? We were just getting acquainted. He sauntered down the hall, a tower of books under his arm. His free hand snaked around my waist and pulled me into him. "Long time no do this." He bent down and kissed me.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Cece push off.
Seth finished with me and said, "Come on. I'll walk you to class."
I hauled down my lit and calc books, which Seth took and added to his stack. At the end of the hall, I glanced back over my shoulder to see her headed in the opposite direction.
She'd asked around. Huh. Why would she do that?
***
We headed toward the parking lot at lunchtime to rendezvous with everyone else at my Jeep. We'd decided to eat off campus at least a couple of days a week. On the way, I informed Seth of my no-school-night rule. He wasn't pleased. "I'll see what I can do about borrowing the Regal Friday night," he said.
"No, Seth. You know I hate doing it in your dad's car."
"Okay, I'll check to see if the villa's free."
He was mad. Great. "I'm sorry, but it's just gross."
"Then your place."
"Neal's coming back tomorrow," I told him.
Seth sulked all the way to Taco Bell. He didn't mind doing it right under my mother's nose, but horrors my stepfather should catch us. What was that, some kind of guy thing? Granted, Neal was the size of a linebacker, but underneath the blubber, he was a big teddy bear. Seth knew that.
He was still sullen half an hour later when we got back to school. "I hate this," he said, stalling at the door after the others had gone in.
"Yeah, me too."
He lifted my chin with a finger. "Let's just get married."
"Okay. After Econ, though, because I have an assignment to turn it. And we're not consummating the union in your dad's Regal."
Seth blinked. "You're assuming we'd make it out of the church."
I kicked him and he wrestled me into his arms.
***
I resumed my same seat in art. I always do that, pick a spot the first day and never move. What does that say about me? Boring and predictable. Everyone else had shifted around. Winslow, geek-cum-punk, slid in beside me. "Yo," he said.
"Yo yourself," I said back.
She wasn't in her seat. I scanned the studio and located her a couple of tables over, by the picture window. She was turned away from me, gazing outside.
Look at me, I thought. Look at me, look at me, LOOKATME.
God, Holland. Shut if off. What was that about? I concentrated on doodling in my spiral. Concentrated on not looking at her.
Mackel rushed in, balancing a stack of videotapes on a slide carousel. "Sorry I'm late." He dumped the load on his desk. "Roll call. Everyone here? Good." He opened a drawer and pulled out a ream of blank newsprint. "Pass these around," he said, splitting the paper between the front two tables. "My stash of pencils has gone AWOL, so use whatever you've got. Pencil, pen, lipstick."
As Winslow passed me a sheet of paper, I saw Mackel drag a tall stool over to the front and set an apple on the seat. "Draw this," he said, spreading his arms dramatically over the stool.
I panicked. If this is a test, I thought, I'm toast. It took a while to focus my attention on the task at hand, distracted as I was by Brandi passing Cece a pencil and Cece smiling thanks. She had a nice smile. I wondered how her arm was, if I should ask. Ask why she asked around about me. I studied the assignment. Granny Smith apple. Sour. My mouth watered. The best ones for pies, though, Mom always said.
A few minutes into it, my cell rang. "Shit," I hissed under my breath. I must've forgotten to turn it off. Naturally, the phone had fallen to the bottom of my bag, under layers of detritus. It rang and rang. I finally fished it out. "What?"
"Hey, babe."
"Seth, I'm in class," I whispered and ducked my head, as if that was going to make me invisible.
"So am I," he whispered back. "I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry about earlier. About being such a grump."
"It's all right."
"I love you."
"Yeah, me too. Hang up, goon." I folded the phone. "Sorry," I said to Mackel, and all the other people around me who were gawking. Including Cece. I rolled my eyes and she grinned.
It took me a minute to remember the assignment. Get going again. Once I concentrated my energies, time flew. Mackel stood up. "Okay," He said, startling me. "Sign your masterpieces somewhere, front preferably, wit
h your own name preferable, and hand them in. You won't get graded. I just want first crack at the next budding Picasso."
I glanced over my drawing. Not bad. I'd captured the essence of form, anyway. I watched as her essence of form exited the door with Brandi.
***
We had a student council meeting after school. I called the meeting to order, then deferred to our new faculty advisor, Mr Olander. He asked us to introduce ourselves, tell what class we were in, what office we held. Seth he already knew. Probably from bio or something, since Mr. Olander was the new head of the science department.
Seth ended his spiel with, "And I'm Holland's vice," which cracked everyone up. I'm not sure Olander got is. He was going to be as fun as a box of mold.
The council was composed of six class representatives, plus officers. Kirsten was secretary. Olander asked her to please read the minutes of the last meeting we'd held before break. She did, then flipped her steno pad, and added, "Oh, and we voted. It was unanimous. Our new faculty rep would have to strip to his tighty-whitelys and do the chicken dance at an all-school assembly."
We all smothered grins.
Olander's eyes about shattered his spectacles.
Kirsten said to him, "Joke."
"Oh." He chortled. "Ha. Good one."
Oy. I took back the meeting from Clueless Guy. "Community Service Week is coming up in February," I announced. "What do we want to do this year?"
Kirsten piped up. "Condemn the cafeteria? That'd be a service to the community."
Everyone laughed. Kirsten huffed. "Hey, I'm serious."
Right. We brainstormed ideas that were actually doable and settled on a blood drive, a canned-food collection for the homeless shelter, and a read-a-thon for local nursing homes. Same as last year. How boring and predictable is that?
On the way out, Kirsten snagged me and said, "Leah told me to tell you the Mrs. Lucas was still looking for you."
"Damn." I smacked my head. Kirsten added, "If you go to the career centre, would you pick me up a catalog for Western State? Thanks." She jogged over to Trevor, who was waiting for her by the office. Trevor. He must've been her third or fourth boyfriend this year. I watched as she practically mauled him against the trophy case. He looked so young. But then he would, considering he was a freshman. I wondered if I should tell her what people were saying. Suggest maybe she cool it in school.
Seth came up behind me and poked me in the ribs. I yelped and slapped him away. "Keep Friday night open," he murmured in my ear. "I have a solution to our problem." He swaggered away toward the chem labs.
I scanned the back of his long, lean frame, letting out an audible sigh. One thing about Seth – he had a solution for everything.
Chapter 4
Snow was beginning to stick to the asphalt in the school parking lot. My Jeep was already filmed over with frozen sleet. Mom said I was nuts to buy such a hunk of junk, and at the moment, shivering under the ripped canvas cover, I had to agree. But it'd been a blast all summer, four-wheeling the ridgeback.
My bones were brittle by the time I swerved into Children's Cottage. "Holland, thank God." Judy Arndt rushed up to meet me at the door. "Could you watch Dinosaur Digs while I run this money to the bank before it closes?"
"Sure."
"You're a saint." She slipped out behind me, skittering down the icy wheelchair ramp.
Unzipping my hooded sweatshirt, I hustled up the hall toward the pre-K room, admiring the miniature marshmallow art on the walls as I went. "Miss Holland! Miss Holland!" a couple of kids shrieked when they saw me at the door.
"Hi, Courtney. Stef." They raced over and flung their arms around me. "Ooh, Steffi, I love your princess outfit." She beamed and twirled around for me. The other kids were trying on costumes from the make-believe trunk, or building with LEGOs, or bopping out at the karaoke centre. There was another aide in the room, Mrs. Ruiz, Courtney's grandma, who volunteered a couple of days a week. We greeted each other with smiles as she divvied up Teddy Grahams for snack time. Courtney and Stef ran back to the mirror.
"Come and play with us, Miss Holland," Kyle hollered across the room. Everyone else looked busy, so I joined him and his brother, Kevin – the twin terrors.
This had to be the best job in the world. Yeah, it was minimum wage, and it was tough to put in even ten hours a week with my schedule, but I'd sacrifice swim team before giving this up. I loved little kids. They were so funny, so real. The way they'd crawl into your lap or hang off your neck. Sometimes they were pretty needy, like they weren't getting much affection at home. That was fine with me. I had plenty of love to spread around.
Courtney snuck up behind me and smashed sticky fingers over my eyes. "Guess who?" she said.
"Barney?"
"No."
"Scooby Doo?"
She giggled. "No."
"The Three Little Pigs?"
"It's me!"
I grabbled her and tickled her in my lap. I wanted a hundred kids, at least.
***
Mom was hanging up the phone when I blew in the back door a little after six. "That was Bonnie Lucas."
I grimaced. "Mom –"
"No excuses," she said. "Get in there tomorrow. She's gone to a lot of trouble sending away for those catalogs and applications. I went ahead and filled out the financial aid forms you left sitting on your dresser."
"Mother." Involuntarily, my fists clenched. I wish she'd stay out of my room. Better yet, out of my life. I drew a deep, calming breathe before kissing Hannah in her baby seat. Mom nudged me away and lifted Hannah up, adding, "You act like you don't even care."
"I care," I said, bristling again. Why didn't she go to college if she was so psyched about it?
I yanked open the fridge and snitched a bowl of leftover chicken. Selected a bag of chips off the counter for dessert. Down in the crypt I punched on my CD player and changed into sweats, then dumped books and notebooks out on my bed. This sickening feeling of dread seeped up from my core. It's been festering for a while now. Why did I have to go to college? I loved school, but mostly for the social life. I couldn't imagine another four years poring over textbooks and writing reports and giving presentations and staging all-nighters.
Shoving the books aside, I rolled over and hugged my pillow. What was wrong with me? Ever since senior year started, I just couldn't get motivated. Couldn't get into it. Time seemed to have sped up and taken off without me. Or stopped altogether. This sense of inertia encased me in amber. Sometimes I'd catch myself looking at my reflection in windows and wonder who I was. Where I was going. Then the image would change and it wouldn't be me, just some nebulous shadow person. An empty, spineless shape-shifter.
Mom's footsteps creaked upstairs in my old bedroom. A pang of guilt stabbed me in the gut. I knew why she was so obsessed with college. She would've gone if she could have, but she'd dropped out of high school when she got pregnant with me. She had to. Her parents kicked her out. She never talked much about those years. We lived in a shelter for a while, I think. Eventually Mom got into a program for unwed mothers and earned her GED. Attended trade school and worked as a paralegal.
I admired her, I really did. She'd been through a lot. She was strong and independent, much more so than me. One time, while she was pregnant with Hannah, I went with her for an ultrasound and I remember sitting in the doctor's office, Mom leafing through a parenting magazine, both of us cooing over the cute baby clothes. She told me she'd regretted having me so young, that she would've been a better parent had she waited and planned. I tried to tell her she was a great mom, but I don't think she heard me. Or believed it. She said if she'd been older, more mature, she might've wanted me more.
I squeezed my eyes shut, banishing the memory, the implication. Hannah was wanted. I wasn't.
I should've been resentful of Hannah, and maybe I was, at first. But Mom shared her with me. It was like we were raising Hannah together. I loved that, the teamwork. And nobody could hold a grudge against a baby, especially a cutie p
atootie like hannah.
My cell rang, jolting me back to the present.
"Hi, Holl," Seth said. "You busy?"
"Extremely," I informed him. "Don't even think it. I need my sleep."
"Hmmm. I always sleep better afterwards."
"Yeah, well, you pretty much sleep through it."
"Hey!"
"Kidding." I said.
"Listen, about Friday night. It's off. My brother and his roommates were going up skiing the whole weekend and said we could use the apartment, but now one of them has to work." He sighed heavily. "I'm sorry."
"That's okay." For some reason I felt relieved.
"They rescheduled for the weekend after, so we'll have the place to ourselves then. Meanwhile, I guess it's get down and dirty in dungeonland."
"Neal's home for the rest of the month," I told him. "And Faith's here this weekend."
Seth muttered a curse.
"You're just spoiled because of vacation."
"No shit," he replied. "I think I'm addicted. Addicted to you."
"They have medication for that."
He chuckled. "Hey, Echo Lake's opening Saturday. Want to go skating?"
"Yeah." I perked up. "I'll call Leah and Kirsten. We haven't all gone out since summer."
"Oh, all right," Seth said flatly.
"If you don't want me to –"
"No, it's fine. We just never seem to do anything alone anymore."
That wasn't true. He had me to himself all the time.
He added, "Have you thought anymore about," his voice lowered, "the big C?"
My jaw clenched. "I think I hear my mother nagging."
"Holl –"
"Seth, as soon as I know, you'll know. I promise."
And when will that be? I asked myself. The answer was obvious: As soon as I figured out where my mother's life ended and mine began.
Chapter 5
The contacts had to go. Why I'd wanted them in the first place – oh, yeah. To accentuate my extraordinary beauty. Who was I kidding?