Stacy lay on his back shirtless in bed with his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling. It had been a month since his mother died and since he’d sent that letter to Evelyn Tyrell. For the life of him he couldn’t explain it, but he somehow felt what he could only describe as a little bit lighter. By no means had the nightmares stopped, and he was still wracked with guilt every day, but he couldn’t help but feel as though he may have done something halfway right in the last three years by finally admitting the truth to James’ widow. Maybe God wanted him to send that letter. Not that he really believed in God, but his mother had and her letter convinced him to do it.
“Babe, what time do you have to be at work?” his girlfriend Kelly asks, rolling over in bed and draping an arm across his bare stomach.
“In about two hours.” He already knew what time it was, he’d been up for the last hour or so.
“Mmm,” she moaned. Laying her head on his chest, her long blonde hair tickled him.
“So my friend Sara gave me the phone number to that psychiatrist I was telling you about.”
Stacy stiffened.
“I can call and set up an appointment for you, if you want.” As she made this offering, she lifted her head to get a better look at him.
“No, I’m good,” he said stiffly.
Kelly sat up almost immediately and looked at him as if he was crazy.
“You’re kidding, right? Baby, you have nightmares almost every night.” Stacy suddenly made a move to get out of the bed. She was talking to him in that slow voice he’d heard her use on her third graders when they didn’t understand something she was trying to teach them. He hated when she tried to use it on him.
“At least when I’m with you, you do. You haven’t been right ever since that guy shot at you.” Stacy grimaced. Kelly didn’t know the truth. He told her he’d been shot while trying to stop a robbery. She’d believed him, and then convinced herself that he had post-traumatic stress disorder. If only it was that simple.
Ignoring her, he sat up, threw his legs over the side of the bed and walked over to his dresser to retrieve a fresh t-shirt.
“Stacy, I can’t keep doing this with you. We’ve been together for five years and up until three years ago, we were talking about getting married and buying a house and moving out of Los Angeles. Whatever happened to that?”
“I don’t know,” he said, pulling the shirt over his head.
“You don’t know?” Kelly growled. “Seriously?! I have been very patient with you, letting you work through your issues and stuff, but this is ridiculous.” Stacy finally turned and looked at her.
“You realize my mother just died a month ago, right?”
“Yes I do,” she sighed, “and I thought you being her caregiver was what was stopping you from marrying me and us moving, but it’s not that at all, is it?”
“I just have a lot of stuff I have to do.”
Stacy walked out of the room, hoping that this would signal to her the end of their conversation, but if he knew Kelly then he knew that this was not even halfway over. Just as he predicted, she jumped out of the bed and followed him into the kitchen where he began replacing the filter inside of the coffee maker.
“Stacy, I just need to know, is this going anywhere or is this how it’s always going to be?”
“What do you want from me, Kelly?”
He didn’t even bother to look at her as he poured coffee grounds into the coffee maker.
“What do I want?” she cried.
He could do without the dramatics this morning, but Kelly was one for the theatrics. Itt was completely unneeded considering they had this conversation at least once a month and it always ended the same.
“How about for starters, I’d like you to stop waking me up during the night with your nightmares? How about I want you to actually talk to me sometimes? Tell me what you are feeling; don’t be a brick wall. How about I want to get married? Have some kids? Buy a house somewhere? Is that too much to ask for?”
For a normal guy, no it wasn’t. For Stacy, yes it was. Kelly really did deserve all of the things that she wanted; she’d put up with a lot from him over the past five years. He knew she tried—she really did.
It had been good for the first two years of their relationship. Maybe if things had turned out differently he would have married her and had kids. Maybe he would have bought her that house she wanted. Truth be told, their relationship was all about sex now. Perhaps one day he would want more, but not now and not from her. Once he got the coffee maker going, he turned and gave her his undivided attention. He might as well get this over with so he can get to work.
“You deserve all that and more, Kel. But, I can’t give that to you and I don’t know if I will ever be able to. I haven’t been myself for three years and I don’t know when I ever will be, and there’s no point in you waiting around to see if I turn back into the Stacy that you want.”
“You say that now but there will be somebody, some woman who will help you get back to how you use to be. I know it.”
Folding his arms across his chest, Stacy realized that Kelly was right, but the woman that would be able to return him to himself was not going to be the random woman Kelly was thinking of. It was going to be a very different woman, one he had never met but was very much tied to.