Down the hall, Lily’s bedroom door was closed. I hadn’t asked if she was joining us, but I’d assumed she would be.
As if she’d read my mind, Julia said, “I fed Lily earlier. She’s too young for—you know—a formal dinner party. She wouldn’t enjoy it.”
“Oh,” I said. I had seen Lily several times that week, and she had been impeccably polite to me each time. It made me glad of my decision not to say anything to Vic about her. Even so, I was relieved she would not be at dinner that night watching me and Raina.
We moved into the dining room, where the table was set for four. I sat down where Julia indicated, at the foot of the table, with Raina on my left. Julia sat next to Vic. I remembered sitting here at this table when I had first arrived. Then, Vic and Julia had sat apart. Lily had been across the table from me then, sitting between her parents.
“Maybe Lily can join us for dessert?” I said impulsively.
“We’ll see,” said Julia. “Vic, could you carve the roast? Who likes rare meat?”
“I do,” said Raina.
After a while, I succeeded in forgetting Lily. The meal was good, and Vic was in a voluble mood. He related the history of rent control in Cambridge to Raina. “They forced us to bring it to a statewide vote,” he said, stabbing his fork in the air. “There was no understanding of a property owner’s rights! How did they expect me to pay my taxes and keep the place up?”
“Don’t get excited, dear,” said Julia. “It’s over now.”
“Thank God,” said Vic. He turned again to Raina. “Even the president of the city council was in a rent-controlled apartment. It was obscene.”
“Terrible,” said Raina. She accepted more mashed potatoes.
Vic frowned and leaned forward. “Not that I’d ever vote Republican, you understand,” he said. “Not in a national election. I couldn’t go that far.”
“Certainly not,” said Raina. “David, could you just pass the butter? Thanks.”
We had a nice time. I was astonished. There was real warmth in the room. Julia’s candles guttered low on the table. I ate two helpings of roast beef and lost track of how many Raina had. Raina explained supermarket card swapping to a doubtful Julia; Vic confessed shyly that he’d been swapping for months. Under direct questioning, Raina talked cheerfully about her complicated family: parents; one stepmother; two stepfathers, and a grand total of twenty-three siblings, counting wholes and steps and halfs and by-previous-or-later-marriages.
I saw Vic glance at Julia. “That must be hard on you,” he said to Raina. “It’s best if people don’t split up, I think. Marriage is forever.”
“Well, I was too young to remember my parents together,” said Raina. “And I understand. People change, after all. Stuff happens. You’ve got to go on.”
There was a little silence. Then Julia said, quietly and with dignity, “Things happened to us, too. But you can survive together, if you try.”
“And go on,” said Vic. “Together.” He stretched his hand openly over the table toward Julia. She clasped it. There were little circles of pink on her cheeks. “Well,” she said. She released Vic’s hand and, with a little bustle, got up from the table. “Who wants coffee or tea? David?” Her eyes brushed over my face quickly.
“Thank you, Julia,” I said. “Coffee.” Julia left, with Vic.
I felt Raina touch me quickly on the arm. “They’re so sweet together,” she whispered. “Oh, I like them.”
I did too, right then. Even Julia. Even though I was also uncomfortable. Even though I was thinking of Lily. I smiled at Raina. “There’s another slice of bread. Want it?”
“Well, if you insist,” said Raina.
After dessert—Julia refused help with the cleanup—Raina said to me, offhandedly, “Walk me downstairs?”
“Okay,” I agreed. We said good night. “I’ll be right back,” I told Julia, but the back of my neck burned a little bit as I opened the door to the front stairs and ushered Raina before me.
Raina didn’t say anything as we went downstairs. Neither did I. I was suddenly very conscious of her.
She fumbled a little with her keys, and, laughing, handed them to me. But the door pushed open before I even had the key turned.
“I must have forgotten to pull it completely closed,” said Raina. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold air, and maybe, too, from the wine. I was feeling lightheaded myself.
I looked right into her lovely eyes. “Well, good night,” I said, but my feet didn’t move.
Raina said, “Why don’t you come in for a minute?” My feet did work, after all.
Her living room was eerie in the dark. The small of my back itched. I adjusted to the lack of light; the portraits were shadows on the walls. I whispered, “I feel like your pictures are watching us.”
Raina laughed softly. “Maybe they are.” She was almost exactly my height. And close, close.
An eternity passed. I could hear our breathing synchronize. Then Raina reached over, delicately, and traced my cheekbone with one finger. I didn’t move. “I’m curious, David,” she murmured. “Are you?”
I felt my head nod. I stepped closer.
I kissed her. It was gentle, investigative. The kind of kiss Emily and I had exchanged, a lifetime ago, when everything was new and I never dreamed anything could go wrong.
Then I kissed Raina again. And she kissed me. And I forgot Emily. Forgot myself. For what felt like years, I forgot absolutely everything except how wonderful—how good—how miraculous—
A light switch snapped. The living room exploded with the glaring light of the three bulbs in the naked fixture overhead.
I knew before I moved, before I looked. I felt Raina’s body, suddenly stiff against me, her face in my hands, her arms around me. I knew, but I didn’t want to look. I knew.
Lily.
I opened my eyes. I let go of Raina. I looked across the brightly lit room at Lily, who was standing in the frame of the bedroom door, her hand still positioned on the light switch. Her other hand held a key ring that I recognized. Vic kept it on a hook upstairs in the pantry.
Raina had not forgotten to lock her apartment door.
“I just wanted to say hello,” said Lily. “Since I didn’t get a chance at dinner.” She paused, looking at us. Then she smiled. I remembered her with the glass outside her parents’ bedroom. And what she’d said, then. It made me feel filthy.
As if she knew, Lily laughed. Then she ran lightly out, leaving the front door open.
Raina exhaled.
“That was Lily,” I said needlessly. “She must have come in while we were having dinner.” And then, when Raina didn’t reply, the words broke out of me: “You told me not to talk to her parents.”
Raina had wrapped her arms around herself. “I guess I was wrong,” she said. She smiled a little, crookedly. “Well,” she began. “Kids—”
I stepped farther away. “I’d better leave,” I said. “Maybe it’s just as well. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
She looked at me. The portraits looked at me.
“Good night,” I said, and bolted.
Somehow I made it up the flight of stairs to the Shaughnessy apartment. Somehow I walked through their living room, past Vic and Julia, who were watching television from the sofa. Past Lily, who was sitting on the floor at their feet.
“Good night, David,” called Lily sweetly.
“Sleep tight,” added Julia. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Vic wave.
I couldn’t reply. Somehow I got the door to the attic open, and in I went. Finally I got to the attic. Kathy’s attic. I turned on every light in the place.
CHAPTER 24
That night, I did some work for school. Then I went online, read a ton of new stuff on alt.tv.x-files, and posted. What you louts aren’t getting, I wrote, is that Mulder wants his arid life. Can’t you accept that maybe he’s right about his responsibility for what happened to Samantha? I knew they wouldn’t listen, however. They never did. I accepted it.
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By four A.M. I found myself prowling the apartment, looking in corners for Kathy. I knew that she had to be around someplace. If she wanted me to help Lily, then she could tell me what to say to her parents. But I didn’t see her, or even hear the humming.
I did my level best not to think about Raina, and the expression on her face, under the glaring light, when I said good night. I didn’t blame her. Nonetheless, I was doing the right thing. For a moment, I had forgotten myself, but she couldn’t be anything other than a casual friend.
I would force myself to say something to Vic and Julia in the morning.
My eyes felt like peeled eggs when, finally, morning came. I heard Vic and Julia in the kitchen, and my feet took me downstairs. My mouth opened, and it said that there was something I wanted to talk to them about. In private. Upstairs.
I sat them on my sofa but I didn’t sit down myself. Then I did, in the chair opposite them. Then I got up again.
“David, what’s the matter?” asked Vic. “You said it was about Lily?”
“Yes.” I exhaled, and then said, “Last night … after dinner … when I went downstairs with Raina … well. Lily was there. In Raina’s apartment, hiding. And after a few minutes, uh, she jumped out and surprised Raina and me.”
“Oh,” said Vic. He looked at Julia. He shrugged a little.
“Victor,” said Julia sternly. “Don’t you see? She shouldn’t have gone in there! Raina pays rent. We’ll have to talk to Lily.” She turned to me. “And you must tell Raina to lock her door, you know.”
“The door was locked,” I said. “Lily took the key from the pantry and let herself in before us.”
Julia frowned. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“We’ll have to move the keys somewhere else,” said Julia decisively. She raised her hands and shoulders in a shrug, met my eyes. “Lily was probably feeling left out, you know, because of dinner. But I will definitely speak to her about this. It’s extremely rude behavior and I will tell her so. Vic?”
“Oh, yes,” said Vic. “It’s good of you to tell us, David.” He got up, put out a hand to help Julia.
“Wait,” I said, and they paused. “She … she was eavesdropping on me and Raina. She hid in the bedroom until we came in.”
“Yes, I understand that,” said Julia, flushing a bit.
“I mean—” I fumbled, but Julia cut me off.
“I understand, David.” Her tone made it clear that I was not to continue. She averted her face, but in profile I could still see the slight twitch in her jaw. I looked at Vic.
“She’s a kid, David,” he said. “Curious … you know. We’ll talk to her.” His eyes slid away from mine. “Don’t worry about it.”
“We do apologize for her,” said Julia formally. She smoothed her skirt, and got up.
“But …,” I said. She’s been spying on you, too. The words formed in my mind but I found I couldn’t say them. “But …”
“Yes, David?” said Julia. She looked at me full face now, and suddenly it was the old Julia there in her eyes, the Julia who had for years waged a cold war in her own house, the Julia who had not wanted me there.
This time I stared right back. “I think Lily should see a child psychiatrist,” I said. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but there have been other incidents, too. You must know it yourselves … she’s not a happy child. She needs some kind of help.”
Julia raised her chin. After a pause, she spoke quietly, evenly. “How dare you?”
“Look, Julia,” I said. “I’m telling you frankly what I think because I want to help. We’re family, after all, and I—”
“Family!” said Julia. “Family! You!”
I glanced at Vic for help, but he had shoved his hands in his pockets and was looking down.
“Come on,” I said to Julia. “Lily is my cousin. I’m truly concerned—” Julia shook her head in patent disbelief, and I stopped. I watched her take a deep breath.
She pointed her chin at me. “I stopped putting up with your mother’s interference years ago, and I’m not going to put up with yours, either. Not for a minute. Not in my house.”
I glanced at Vic.
“And don’t you go looking at Vic! He knows just as I do what interfering behavior like yours and your mother’s can do to us if we let it.” She grabbed my gaze with hers and held it. “We’re not going to let it, David. Not this time. Do you understand me? You are not going to interfere with my family. Those are the terms under which I am allowing you to live here. In my house.”
I knew then, seeing how Julia’s cheeks flamed, how useless anything I might say to her would be. I knew it quite clearly.
“Vic, listen to me,” I said. “Julia misunderstood me. I know there have been problems between my parents and you in the past, but this has nothing to do with that. I am simply worried about Lily, and—”
Vic wouldn’t look at me. “Eileen was worried about Kathy,” he said softly. “But Julia is right. It would have been better if she hadn’t been. It might—who knows?—it might have made all the difference.”
I winced for my mother. “This is not the same,” I persisted.
Vic shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not.” He looked at his wife, not at me. “I have to agree with Julia on this, David. Why don’t you just leave Lily alone? That would be best, I think. I’m sure.”
“We will hide the key ring,” said Julia crisply. “I do take your point on that, David.” But the way she glared at me told me that she was sure it was my fault.
I didn’t know. I went out for a run on the sanded and salted streets, past all the piles of dirty snow, in the gray day. I ran for two hours or more. I ran until my lungs ached with the cold and I really couldn’t anymore.
Maybe I was making it up; maybe Lily didn’t need help. At the thought, I heard the humming again—urgent, buzzing.
Then it broke off.
CHAPTER 25
The instant I arrived back at the house, Raina’s door shot open and she stuck her head out. “Get in here,” she said. It was not an invitation; it was a command. When I hesitated, she added, “Now!”
She stood in front of me with her fists on her hips. “What exactly did you say to your aunt about last night?” she demanded. “Because she was just here, and she as much as called me a slut!”
I stared. “I … nothing much. I told her that Lily came in here. Stole the keys, hid here. Spied on us.” But I had paused a little, and Raina picked right up on it.
“There’s something you’re not telling me. What is it?”
“She … my aunt may have thought we were—”
“What? Rolling around on the floor? Well, that’s ironic.”
I flushed. “I’m sorry—”
“She said horrible things to me. I’m a terrible example to her daughter. ‘Bohemian.’ Behind Raina’s barely controlled voice, I could almost hear Julia’s.
I flexed my shoulders. “Look, Julia has her own ideas. You shouldn’t take it personally—”
She cut me off. “Oh, please. Listen, ordinarily I wouldn’t care what anyone thought, but in this case …” She grabbed a piece of closely printed paper out of her back pocket and thrust it at me. “Do you know what this is?”
I examined it. “Your lease …”
“It’s a tenant-at-will lease. You know what that means? It means I can leave anytime, so long as I give one month’s notice. You know what else it means? That your aunt can kick me out anytime, with the same one month’s notice!” Raina was panting now, and I thought I saw tears at the corners of her eyes. “Do you know how hard it was to find a place that was big enough, and cheap enough, and that got enough light? Do you know how hard it would be to find another place in the middle of winter? Do you know how expensive this town is? I’m not made of money!”
“But they wouldn’t—”
“Your aunt made it very clear they would!”
“I can’t believe—” I stopped. I did believe.
Raina
wasn’t finished. “And you! I don’t get you. I just don’t understand, and I’m tired of trying. It’s not worth it. There are guys in this world who aren’t messed up.” She paused. Unexpectedly, a smile nudged at the corner of her mouth. “Okay, well. I don’t know any. Yet.” She sighed. The smile faded.
I didn’t respond.
Raina said, quietly, “David Yaffe, what’s with you? Honestly.”
I owed her an explanation. I did. I said, with difficulty, not looking at her, “I love … loved Emily.”
It was the truth, if not the entire truth. I couldn’t tell her how frightened I was all the time. Not of Raina. Of myself.
Powerful, Lily had called it. But I didn’t dare to give it a name.
There was a little pause. “Okay,” said Raina. “You’d better leave. I’ll … we’ll … I’ll see you around, okay? I like this place. I don’t want to upset your aunt. You understand.”
“Yeah,” I said. I did understand, and I even thought it was best. Still …
I said, “See you around.”
I felt empty, and yet at the same time there was something pushing at my chest. Something big. I had to get it out. I burst in on Julia and Vic and—because of course my wonderful luck was holding—Lily. The happy family was playing a cozy game of War at the kitchen table.
“Raina says you threatened to evict her,” I said to Julia.
All three heads swiveled at once to face me. Vic looked a little embarrassed. He put a hand down over his pile of cards. His fingers tapped uneasily. “David. Don’t overreact. It’s just, uh, just—”
“This is our house,” said Julia. “Our rules. You will abide by them while you live under our roof.” She turned away. “One, two, three, go.” They all three slapped down a card. Lily took the trick.
I stayed right where I was. “This morning we agreed—”
“We agreed,” said Julia, “that you were just like your mother.”
“Um,” said Vic. He pushed back his chair from the table. “Julia, Lily. If you’ll just excuse me for a moment. David …” He gestured toward the living room. “Maybe if you and I could talk alone?”