“You’re one to talk.” I muttered under my breath.
He closed his eyes for a minute and then he continued eating his food without saying another word to me.
I didn’t finish half of my food. I was so angry. How could Ryder tell me about judging people? He was the one who was quick to judge me the very first minute he laid eyes on me after his accident.
He paid for the food and then we went to his car. He opened the door for me and I went inside quietly.
“Where do you live now?” He asked, looking straight into the road.
“Across the street from you.” I murmured.
He glanced at me briefly. But he didn’t ask any more twenty-twenty questions. And I don’t want to elaborate about my living arrangements with John either. I just want to get home. This emotional rollercoaster I have with Ryder is wearing me out.
Ryder drove home quietly. I prefer it that way. If I open my mouth again, I will either cry or curse at him. Either way, it’s not going to be good.
He parked in front of John’s house, got out of the car and opened the passenger door for me.
“Whose house is this?” He asked.
“John’s.” I replied.
He raised a brow. “You’re living with… another man?”
“Yeah. He’s one of my best friends.” I replied. “And it’s a two-bedroom apartment.”
“He’s still a guy, Astrid!” Ryder argued.
“So what?”
“And he’s not even bad looking!”
“Again, so what?”
What’s the matter with him? Is he jealous?
“Don’t I have a say in this?!” He asked, trying to calm down.
“Of course! Feel free to say what you want! I don’t guarantee that it will matter though.”
“Astrid… I’m your boyfriend! And I am not comfortable with you living with another man!”
“Could you stop using the boyfriend trump card?” I asked angrily. “Only a few months ago, you were willing to pay me to stay out of your life!”
He didn’t have a response to that. The look he gave me was as guilty as it was broken.
I sighed. “It’s only for a few days. Because I have nowhere else to go!”
“My house is across the street!” He replied. “Why not stay there?”
I shook my head. “I used to stay in your house, Ryder. But you kicked me out, remember? Oh! That reminds me! When you kick your girlfriend out of your house, doesn’t that mean you broke up with her already?”
He stared at me in disbelief. “Astrid… that is so unfair!” He said. “I returned your stuff before we spent the night together. I have no more intention of letting you go in the morning! But you… you ran away from me.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks. I raised my chin to him. “I have no intention of being your toy, Ryder. That’s why I ran away from you.”
He looked at me through narrowed eyes. “My toy? Is that what you think you are to me?”
I took a deep breath. “Since you woke up in the hospital, you haven’t showed me anything that will make me think otherwise. Mercenary slut, remember?”
Ryder took a step away from me. He stared at me in amazement. Maybe he realized that what I said is true. Since he woke up he’s been nothing but rude to me and showed me that he will do anything to get rid of me. Then we slept together, and suddenly he’s running around town looking for me, he’s treating me to dinner and attempting to be nice to me.
Thanks but no thanks!
If he told me that he’s remembered even just a bit of me, I will not think that he’s doing all these to get me to bed again. But right now, it’s the only logical explanation I can come up with.
Ryder looked down and then he took a deep breath. “You’re right.” He said. “I don’t deserve your better judgment or treatment. And I can’t make you believe anything that I say either. I wanted you to give up on me. Now… I want nothing more than to undo everything I did to you in the last four months. But I guess… it’s too late for that now.”
He headed for his car. My heart is breaking into a million pieces with every step he took.
That’s it? He’s accepting it without a fight? The Ryder that I know will not give up on me too easily. He will put up a fight, even if he tricks me into accepting things, until I admit to myself that I want what he wants too.
“I’m sorry for hurting you, Astrid.” He said. “I wish… I could do something to take the pain away. If I am the cause of your pains, then I’ll stay away if that would make it hurt less. I only wish you happiness.” His voice was broken and sad. At that moment, I believed him. I believed he was really giving up this time.
This is it. We’re breaking up.
“I wish you happiness too, Ryder.” I said, trying my best not to cry. “I wish… I wish fate didn’t play with us.”
He nodded. “I wish fate made me forget everything else… but you.” He whispered. Then he went inside his car and drove off. He lives across the street, but he didn’t go home. He sped past his house and into the highway.
I stood in John’s driveway for the longest minutes of my life, hoping that Ryder will drive back to me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I didn’t want to give up on him. But right now, I don’t know how I could hold on to him.
I know he wanted me, he wanted to possess my body. But I cannot allow him to do that unless he gives me a space in his heart. I go packaged deal with love. He can’t have fun with me unless he loves me.
Is this it? Are we really over? Did we really break up without him remembering who I was in his life?
I turned towards John’s house and opened the front door. I was about to close it behind me when suddenly a force from the other side pushed the door open.
I almost lost my balance. I had to step back to keep the door from hitting my face. I stared up the intruder, ready to shout and curse. But what I saw made my blood drain from my face. He has a smirk on his face, his eyes were reddish and have dark circles around them.
“What’s the problem, doll? Trouble in paradise? Does this mean you can finally come out and play with me?” Bryan asked me, an evil smile plastered on his face, and he definitely looked like he was high on something.
I have seen Bryan drunk, but I’ve never seen him like this. This looks like the demon version of him. The one that cuts throats and beats up girls. And when I looked into his eyes, I can only see one thing… the darkest, most evil form of lust.
Instantly, my blood froze and every nerve in my body is screaming the same thing…
Run!!!
Chapter Thirty-Three
SOMETHING BLUE:
The Bride must always wear something… anything… blue. It can be a trinket or undergarment. Some choose to put a blue lining on the wedding garter that they wear under their wedding gown.
Ryder.
That did not go as planned.
Astrid is a little firecracker. You don’t handle her properly, she will explode. And damn! I did not handle that well.
I wanted to woo her, show her my charming side, the one that is not uptight and suspicious of all women. The real me without masks and with all my guards down.
I thought I was doing a great job earlier in the afternoon. I thought she’d appreciate the movers, but I don’t think Astrid likes owing people anything, especially favors with a financial value attached to it. A very admirable trait.
Wow! I have chosen well.
The problem is how do I delete the asshole image of me in her head? How can I make her forget that even once, I called her a mercenary! That I accused her of only being after my money!
I wanted her to give up on me. I wanted nothing to do with her. Now, I wanted nothing more than to remove this stupid cloud in my brain so she can be with me again.
Jake was right. When I wake up from all of these, I would want to kill myself for what I did to Astrid. Damn! I wanted to kill myself now, even though I haven’t fully recovered from my amnesia.
<
br /> I wish I gave her a chance, right from the moment I opened my eyes. I wish I did not push her away, and made it clear that I did not want anything to do with her. I wish I’ve gotten to know her first before I decided on the fate of our relationship.
If I gave Astrid a chance, four months ago… I think I still would fall in love with her… even without my previous memories of her.
She is beautiful! Her eyes just enchant me. Her scent fills my senses and intoxicates me.
She is talented in many aspects. I cannot believe in less than a year, she was able to make her company break even. I saw her portfolio. She has a good taste and so much passion for what she does. She knows what she’s doing, and she puts her heart into it.
She has a sense of humor. Not every girl can make me laugh. Hmmm… the ‘asshole mode’ still cracks me up. Do I really have that mode?
She has been badly hurt by the people close to her and yet she chose to get back up on her feet and love again. She fell in love again… because of me. She chose to take a risk in me in spite of the pains that she has been through.
Lucky bastard! I thought to myself.
Paris and my mother are not the easiest people to please. But Astrid passed their tests with flying colors. I know my mother’s heart breaks along with Astrid’s.
And Paris… well, she has not been speaking to me much. The last time she spoke to me was when Janis told her that I pulled the plug on Astrid’s company. I could still remember how that conversation turned out.
I always remember my conversations with Paris lately. She surprises me and shocks me at the same time. I lost one year of my memories. I don’t remember how much she has changed in twelve months. She was bolder, tougher. She has so much angst and she’s not afraid to say what’s on her mind. In a way, I admire her more. But a part of me felt sad because I realize I don’t really know her as much as I thought I did.
“You couldn’t choose a better knife to kill yourself with.” Paris said to me over the phone. “Actually, that’s not a knife. It’s an F-in samurai!”
“Since when do you swear that much?” I asked her.
“F-in is not a swear word.” She argued. “I should remember not to code my language, since I was gonna get scolded the same way by my big brother.”
“Paris Van Woodsen! You were sent to the best schools in the country! Not just to learn business… but to learn etiquette and what differentiates a man from a… lady!”
“Funny you should say that, big bro.” She said in a sarcastic tone. “Because I’ve seen how you treated Astrid in the past few months. You were sent to the best schools in at least three continents. I thought you learned what differentiates a man from a moron!”
I didn’t have anything to say to that. One, because it was true. Two, because I didn’t know Paris would defend Astrid with such vigor. And three, because I didn’t know Paris would be bold enough to talk to me like this.
“Did I… do something to you, Paris?” I asked.
She sighed. “No.” There was silence on the other end of the line. Then she said, “I talk to you like this, Ryder. At least for the past year, you’ve made me feel like I didn’t have to conform to the rules of our society. You’ve always allowed me to be who I really am. Not the dumb little heiress that everybody expects me to be.”
I took a minute to process what she said. Then I said, “You’re not a dumb little heiress. Don’t even allow anybody to make you feel like you are. Even me.”
“Good.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “That’s why I’m telling you now that what you did with Astrid’s company… your funeral.”
I sighed. Why does everybody keep telling me this? “Why?”
“You lost one year of your memories, Ryder. We’ve been telling you who Astrid was in your life and how much you loved her. I get that you don’t know her now, and you don’t trust her. But even then… you should have trusted us.”
They were right. They were all right! Even Jake warned me I was going to regret this.
I underestimated the degree of my feelings for Astrid. Darned! I didn’t even know I was capable of falling in love.
I always thought I was not going to marry for love. I thought, I would find a woman that is… suitable. And then I will marry her, have kids with her and be a happy father. I will be a good husband. It’s a give and take relationship. She’s faithful to me, there is no reason for me to play around. Plus, I know how kids feel when their parents go on separate ways. I’ve been there. I wouldn’t want my kids to go through that.
I wasn’t expecting Astrid to happen. That I would find someone that I can drown myself to. I didn’t know I would feel so strongly for a woman, that the sight or even the thought of another man touching her will boil my blood, and make me abandon reason.
I never knew I could go to bed with a woman and would want to hold her until morning. That I could forever drown in the scent of her. That only one night of sleeping with her in my arms would make the other nights without her unbearable.
Whatever pieces of Astrid that I recalled from the past year is just enough for me to know that she’s the woman I’ve been looking for. My match. The woman that I needed.
Damn! I hurt her!
For the past few days, Astrid has been in my thoughts every waking hour. When I go to bed at night, her memory lies down beside me. I wanted to see her smile and hear her laugh again. I wanted to hear her scream my name in bed again.
I wanted her to keep stocking up my fridge, and tell me where things are in my house. I wanted to open the front door of my house and she’s the first thing that I would see.
But I threw all that away. I drove her away.
I hit the brakes of my car. I have been driving more than a hundred Ks an hour, not caring if I will hit something. Maybe I was tempting fate again. Maybe I wanted to get into another accident and hopefully hit my head so hard, the cloud that veils my memories of Astrid would be gone.
I don’t know where I was or where I was going. I was driving without a destination or a purpose. In truth, I wanted to get away. If I go home, I know I will be restless knowing that she is just across the street from me. Ten bucks say I will not be able to resist for ten minutes. I will cross that street, break her friend’s door and carry her to my house and no one will be able to stop me.
But she needs some space right now. And I need to think. I need to… I don’t know… strategize!
I stopped the car on the side of the road and took deep breaths.
I realized that I don’t need to regain my memories to know that I am in love with Astrid. Because even now, with all these holes and missing puzzle pieces in my head, I still want to be with her. And I want her to love me back. I want her to forget what an ogre I have been to her the past few months.
I didn’t tell her that I remembered a little bit of her. I should have. But I didn’t. I want her to know that with or without my stupid amnesia, we can still work. We can still be together and I can still make her happy.
Well, congratulations for a job well done, Ryder! I thought angrily. I messed up my chances yet again.
I don’t know when I will gain my memories back. There is a chance that I don’t recover them at all. That’s why I don’t want her to keep loving the man I used to be… the man in my past. I want her to fall in love with this man in front of her now, and later realize that I’m still the same person. That nothing changed. And nothing will change between us.
This afternoon, when I reminded her that I’m still her boyfriend, a sense of joy and pride swept through me. I felt like I’m the luckiest guy in the world because she is mine.
I realized, I didn’t want to change that. And no amount of amnesia can take Astrid away from me, or me from her.
I will make amends for everything that I did to her in the past. But for now, she has to forgive me. God, I was so stupid! Astrid has a good heart. All I needed to prove to her is how sorry I am about the way I acted and ask… or beg… for her to give me one more cha
nce.
Because I love her.
There! I admit what my pride and my logical brain prevented me from admitting before. I don’t know how but even without gaining back all my memories of her, I fell for her anyway.
And even if she doesn’t accept that, I realized that she has to know at least. I cannot have her thinking that I only wanted her for a playmate. I may have forgotten her, but I’m still the man she fell in love with. And I will never use her or take advantage of her.
But how will I do this? She must freaking hate me right now!