The screen door closed softly behind me as I walked into the kitchen. I stood still, breath held and listened. The house was quiet. They were probably still on their walk. I involuntarily made a face as the image of them, holding hands, getting all googly-eyed at each other, filled my mind. Yuck! I poked around in the refrigerator, looking something suitably unhealthy for a twelve-year-old. I sighed at the sight of only healthy snacks and settled on an apple.
“Christina? Is that you, honey?” My mother’s voice called from the living room.
I jumped at the sound, my heart hammering as my apple rolled across the floor. How could she be that quiet? I approached the living room with caution. Her voice had sounded like the mother I knew but I couldn’t trust it. That mother had been gone for over a year. Was it a trap? Did Tad’s mother call and tell her what we did and now my mother was lying in wait? No, Tad wouldn’t tell because he’d count on me to cover for him. Sometimes I could be so stupid!
My mother was staring out over the lake as she curled up in the corner of the couch, her legs tucked up beneath her. “Look at that sunset,” she whispered. The sky and clouds were bursting with pinks, reds and oranges and every shade in between, colors you could never find in a crayon box. But the most amazing part about the sunset was its mirror image in the lake.
“Your father loved sunsets like this. He loved the lake so much… and you.” Her voice caught.
I turned to watch my mother’s face. Her green eyes, the same deep shade as the lake, held such pain. She pushed a dark, brown strand of hair out of her eyes and brushed away a tear. This soft side, this was something she had not shown in a long time. I knelt down next to her and wrapped her up in a hug. Her frigidness that I’d become accustomed to seemed to give way as she relaxed and hugged me back. She began to stroke my hair, just like she always used to before…I sighed and leaned against her. “He loved you too, Mommy.” The words slipped out.
My mother’s hand trembled for a moment as she kept stroking my hair then steadied. “I know that, Christy. That’s what makes it so hard so often, living on this lake that he loved so much and seeing him everywhere I turn. I want him back.”
I felt my throat tighten as tears burned in the back of my eyes. I closed my eyes tightly but I could still see Daddy in my mind. “I know. He’s there on the dock, he’s in the rowboat whenever I take her out, and he’s laughing at me when I’m swimming. It seems so real! Why can’t he really be here?” My voice rose to a whine.
My mother shook her head, her voice choked with emotion. “I don’t know, honey. Lord knows he wanted to stay with us. He tried and we tried but it just wasn’t enough.” Her voice broke and she started to sob quietly.
I turned to my mother and held her as tight as I could. “It’s okay, Mommy. Go ahead and cry. Maybe it will help. It can’t hurt.”
My mother chuckled through her tears. “I’ve cried so many times, baby, I didn’t think I had any tears left. It’s just I’ve been sitting here thinking about your daddy and what he’d want me to do. It’s so hard.”
“I know, Mommy. It is hard to think about him. I’m sure he thinks you’re doing your best.” I don’t know where that came from. I certainly hadn’t felt that way before, but this new, improved, softer mother had changed my mind.
In answer, my mother smiled at me and her eyes brightened. “I hope you’re right, honey, because I’ve made a surprise decision. It was a surprise to me and hopefully it’s the right one.”
I straightened up and braced myself. “Are we moving?” I asked my voice suddenly small. I couldn’t imagine moving away from here. The memories were here. Daddy was here. I’d lose him if we left.
My mother shook her head. “No, honey. I wouldn’t take you away from here. She hesitated, her cheeks blushing before she let the words tumble out. “John has asked me to marry him and I said yes.”
I felt as if my body was frozen in a block of ice. For a moment, I couldn’t move. Even my breathing stopped. However, a blazing heat soon took over, propelling me off the couch like a rocket. I grabbed the first thing I could find, a vase of roses from him, and hurled it against the wall. It shattered into jagged pieces but they couldn’t be as nearly jagged as what was left of my heart. “How could you? How could you do this to Daddy? How could you do this to me?” I screamed in a voice that was not mine then scrambled out the door, away from her.
I should’ve known it was false hope. My mother wasn’t back and I’d learned my next magic lesson: explosions make excellent diversions. My mother had been so distracted by my outburst; by the time she shouted my name I was down the road. My feet kept pounding on the pavement as hard as they could as angry tears ran down my face. My heart began beating faster and faster. Maybe it would burst. I reached the end of the road and launched myself into the forest, hoping that if I ran far enough and fast enough, my heart would stop or they’d never find me again.