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Mrs. Ida Margolis
and
Mrs. Carrie Gettinger
request the honour of your presence
at the Bar Mitzvah of their son and nephew
Joseph Charles Margolis
on Saturday, the 25th of October, 1941
at 10:00 a.m.
Temple Chizuk Amuno
1243 Parkside Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
RECEPTION TO FOLLOW
THE FAVOUR OF A REPLY IS REQUESTED
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Dear Charlie,
There are only eight questions I never found out the answers to, and what if I have a son and he asks me some of them? So here they are.
How come dinosaurs croaked?
Are there people on places like Mars and Saturn?
Why won’t God let us see Him?
Where do we go after we die?
How does a radio work?
If there really is a God, how come Jews in Europe have to wear yellow stars and Hitler can get away with starving Leningrad and the Titanic sunk?
Who was the best baseball player ever (and not Matty just because you like him)?
Could a cyclone really blow a house over a rainbow?
Joey
P.S. I just found out that my Cousin Sammy is coming here all the way from San Diego for my Bar Mitzvah. Gulp.
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Dear Joey,
When you ask questions you do not fart around, do you? But I will try anyway.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
God lets us see Him all the time. He looks like Hazel and Rachel and Harlan and babies and etc. You should of known that already.
I don’t know.
A radio works by turning it on and Jack Benny comes out. Is this suppose to be a trick?
I don’t know.
The best baseball player ever was Ty Cobb though nobody likes to say so because his sole was made out of dog shit on account of beating up cripples and linching Negroes and etc. But the other best ballplayer ever was Joe Jackson, who even though he should of known better than to pal up with crooks in 1919, still got a raw deal anyway. Nobody could swing a bat the way Shoeless Joe could. So tell your son it was Jackson.
I don’t know.
Okay so maybe I do not have all of the answers. But at least you learned something.
Charlie
P.S. And what do you mean “Gulp”? Your not getting cold feet on me are you?
P.S.2. Stuke just got me 2 tickets to Game #4 of the W. Series which he will not go to because he’s not in it. I wonder who I am going to take with me.
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Dodgers Snatch Defeat
From Jaws of Victory
Game 4 Upset When
Mickey Owen Drops Strike 3
BROOKLYN, Sunday. Ask 33,813 shell-shocked Dodger fans and they’ll tell you it could not have happened. But it did. And this is one for the books.
Struggling to even the World Series at two games apiece, it looked like the Brooklyn nine had it all sewn up by 4:35 this afternoon at Ebbets Field. Leading the Yanks 4–3 at the top of the ninth inning with two away and nobody on, Brooklyn hurler Hugh Casey let loose with a perfect breaking curve to Yankee right fielder Tommy Henrich, who swung on strike three—and whiffed. And that should have been the ball game. But the Brooks’ usually topflight catcher Mickey Owen had other ideas when he missed the ball entirely—and by the time he’d retrieved it from the Dodger dugout, Henrich had made himself at home on first. But that was only the beginning. DiMaggio singled, then Keller and Gordon doubled, and when nightfall settled over Ebbets Field the Yanks were long gone—with a 7–4 victory in their hats.
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New York Yankees
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Brooklyn Dodgers
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Score by Innings
New York Yankees 100 200 004—7
Brooklyn Dodgers 000 220 000—4
Runs batted in—Keller 3, Sturm 2, Wasdell 2, Reiser 2, Gordon 2.
Earned runs—Yankees 3, Dodgers 4.
Left on base—Yankees 11, Dodgers 8. Double play—Gordon, Rizzuto and Sturm. Struck out—by Donald 2, Higbe 1, Breuer 2, Casey 1, Murphy 1. Bases on balls—Off Higbe 2, Casey 2, Donald 3, Breuer 1, Allen 1. Pitching summary—Off Higbe 6 hits, 3 runs, in 3 2–3 innings; French 0 hits, 0 runs in 1–3; Allen 1 hit, 0 runs in 2–3; Casey 5 hits, 4 runs in 4 1–3; Donald 6 hits, 4 runs in 4 (none out in fifth); Breuer 3 hits, 0 runs in 3; Murphy 0 hits, 0 runs in 2. Hit batsman—By Allen (Henrich). Winning pitcher—Murphy. Losing pitcher—Casey. Umpires—Goetz (N.L.), plate; McGowan (A.L.), first base; Pinelli (N.L.), second base; Grieve (A.L.), third base. Time of game—2:54.
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Dear Charlie,
He had it in his glove. I saw it. Then he let go because he’s a bonehead. Henrich got to first base fair and square—it’s not his fault that Owen doesn’t have hands. Smokes, everybody knows that. So don’t get cheesed off at me.
Joey
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Dear Joey,
Maybe you need to get your eyes checked. You said it yourself that M. Owen had the ball in his glove. I saw that too. What I also saw was T. Henrich do some other things at the same time. Like (1) stick his big ass in Owen’s face so he could not see and (2) kick Owen’s arm so he could not hold on to it. Some “fair and square”. Why don’t you ask your buddy in the W. House to get Henrich a job in the War Dept.? What a laugh. He would probably pop the Queen of England on the noodle and then try to take London home with him by saying she dropped it. Your crazy.
Charlie
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Mr. Peter Reiser
Brooklyn Dodgers
Ebbets Field
Brooklyn, New York
Dear Peter:
What a shame! And after the lovely year you had too. Let this be on Mr. Durocher’s head for the rest of his life. What kind of an idiot puts a boy like Mickey Owen behind the plate after he’s been out half the night with who knows what kind of people? I listen to the radio. I know.
Try not to read the papers for a few days—they’ll only give you tsouris. But 48 years I’m here and I can promise you one thing: you’ll get over it. Besides, you batted .343 and Mickey Owen didn’t.
Carrie Gettinger
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Dear Sprout,
It’s only October 20, but there’s already 2 feet of snow on the ground in this part of Kansas. It’ll probably take me until spring training just to find my car keys.
I don’t know how this whole Bar Mitzvah deal works and whether presents are supposed to be about God or something, but I figured you could get alot more mileage out of Spaulding’s Illustrated Baseball, even if Noah didn’t take it on the Ark with him. So here it is. (I’m on p. 418.)
Go get ’em, kiddo.
Your buddy,
Stuke
P.S. Personally I wouldn’t give you 2¢ for Henrich or Owen, so I’m the wrong guy to ask. But it sure sounds like Owen blew it, huh? (By the way, I said the same thing to Charlie about Henrich. I’m no dumbbell.)
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Presents
Mom………a gold mezuzeh for around my neck
Aunt Carrie………my own talus and yarmulke
Dad’s secretary………check for $50
Rose and Ben Goldstein………subscription to Natural Wonders
Morris and Estelle Goldman………Ties
Edith Snyder………Handkerchiefs
Phyllis and Kenny Ellis………Socks
Gloria Liebowitz………subscription to Natural Wonders
Aunt Ett………4 shirts
Aunt Sheba………underpants
Cousin Sally………Porgy and Bess records
&
nbsp; Cousin Jane………The Speeches of Franklin D. Roosevelt
Grandma Hilda………Typewriter
Cousin Flossie………Peanut butter cookies
Craig………G-Man Ring With Secret Heat Ray
Alan and Barbara Sapperstein…subscription to Natural Wonders
Cousin Sammy………GLASSIES!
Dr. Weston………Joseph Margolis stationery
Stuke………Spaulding’s Illustrated Baseball
Hazel………Saxophone lessons
Charlie………The Complete Torah with our names in gold on the cover
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Temple Chizuk Amuno
SABBATH SERVICE
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25, 1941
on the occasion of the Bar Mitzvah of
Joseph Charles Margolis
Shabos Prayer………Rabbi Lieberman
Kiddush………Cantor Rosenfeld
Opening of the Torah………Joseph Charles Margolis
Blessing Before the Torah………Rabbi Lieberman
Torah Reading Genesis VI, v. 9………Joseph Charles Margolis Charles Linden Banks
Blessing………Cantor Rosenfeld
Haftorah Vayyechi I Kings II, v. 1………Joseph Charles Margolis
“Today I Am A Man”………Joseph Charles Margolis
Bar Mitzvah Blessing………Rabbi Lieberman Charles Linden Banks
Kaddish………Cantor Rosenfeld
Sabbath Hymn………Rabbi Lieberman
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Temple Chizuk Amuno
1243 Parkside Avenue • Brooklyn, New York
Dear Charlie:
First, please allow me to thank you for making Joseph’s Bar Mitzvah the success that it was. Outside of the High Holy Days, we have never before had to turn people away at the door. One would think that tickets were being sold.
I would also like to convey my deepest gratitude for the diligence and patience you have displayed over the past five months. I cannot imagine that facing the Cincinnati Reds could be nearly as difficult as keeping up with a thirteen-year-old boy whose attention span at any given moment is no longer than nine seconds, and whose sense of mischief often borders on the unlawful. When he pretended to forget the name “Japheth”, you aged measurably. But I trust you saw the tears in his eyes when you and I blessed him.
I am enclosing a silver Kiddush cup which I took the liberty of having engraved with your name. The next time we do this, I will not be foolish enough to place any sort of bet with you until I am guaranteed even money in return.
Warmest personal regards,
Rabby Morris Lieberman
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P.S. I’m afraid I can’t quite agree with your position. Even a blind man knows it was Mickey Owen’s fault—and he didn’t need help from Henrich or anyone else. You’re too young to remember Fred Merkle’s boneheaded play of 1908. I’m not.
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Teacher’s Comments:
Either Joseph has too much free time on his hands or he is deliberately attempting to undermine the entire infrastructure of world literature. Thanks to his debatable oratory, my entire class now regards Stephen Crane, Sir Walter Scott, William Shakespeare, Samuel Clemens, Jane Austen and the Brontë Sisters as Communists, racists, anti-Semites, and—worst of all—rock-heads. For no just cause he has developed a particularly toxic loathing for Emily Brontë, a self-possessed and taciturn woman whom he is convinced was covertly working for a foreign government. (I suppose it serves her right for keeping the umlaut.) Fortunately, I have at least managed to secure his approval of Nathaniel Hawthorne—but for all the wrong reasons. “How come Hester only got one ‘A’?” is not a question I was trained to answer.
He and Rachel have finally begun speaking to one another, though their conversations so far have been restricted to the following: “Hi.” “Hi.” However, these exchanges can occur as frequently as four times an hour; in fact, I have watched Joseph deliberately walk down the same hallway twice, merely for an opportunity to run into her again. I expect them to graduate to full sentences shortly.
Joseph has a mind of his own—but he will need to learn that he cannot expect to amount to much unless he does what he is told.
Janet Hicks
Parents’ Comments:
I wasn’t too fond of Jane Austen myself. However, we’ll do what we can to see that Joey follows directions more closely.
Ida Margolis
So he should open a vein? Maybe if you stopped using words like “infrastructure” he’d pay more attention. I don’t know what you’re talking about either.
C. Gettinger
Joey’s Aunt
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BROOKLYN BOY NAMED CONTEST WINNER BY MRS. R
WASHINGTON, Wednesday. Joseph Margolis, 13, of 236 Montgomery Street in Flatbush, is one of ten winners named by Eleanor Roosevelt in an annual essay contest sponsored by her Committee on Child Education. Titled “If My Father Were President”, this year’s entries were submitted by over 5,000 students from schools across the United States. Winners and their fathers will be honored with specially struck medallions to be presented by the President and First Lady in a ceremony at the White House shortly after Thanksgiving.
In a curious twist, the youngster departed from the announced theme and invented a title of his own. However, it was the opinion of both Mrs. R and the judges that the boy’s essay best captured the spirit of
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INTERVIEWER: Donald M. Weston, Ph.D.
SUBJECT: Joseph Charles Margolis
A: We found out about it at school. Right in the middle of equations.
Q: What did you do when they told you?
A: I threw up.
Q: You must have been pretty excited.
A: I guess so. Rachel didn’t stop looking at me all day. One time she even smiled.
Q: Have you told Charlie yet?
A: Craig says she’ll be a pushover now. I hope so, because I’m running out of different ways to say Hi and—
Q: Joey? Have you told Charlie yet?
A: No, but he came over for dinner last night and then he took me to see The Maltese Falcon. When we got back, he asked Aunt Carrie how come there were eight candles on the Hanukkah menorah. So she told him about the Maccabees and the lamp that burned for eight days, but he said he had a flashlight at home that wouldn’t burn for eight minutes unless—
Q: Why haven’t you told him?
A: ’Cause he’s gunna get cheesed off at me again. Smokes, you know how much he hates Roosevelt.
Q: So what? Charlie’s not the one who’s going to the White House with you.
A: Oh, yes he is.
Q: What about your father?
A: There’s something I forgot to tell everybody.
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IF CHARLIE BANKS WERE PRESIDENT
BY JOSEPH MARGOLIS
I know this is supposed to be about fathers, but mine hasn’t called me since my birthday and that one was from his secretary Molly. So even if he did get elected president, I’d probably have to read about it in the papers just like everybody else. But you know what? It’s okay. And I can tell you why.
1. When I was getting beaten up by bullies just because I was Jewish (which, as you know, is the same thing the Hitler Boys are doing in Europe), Charlie Banks was the one who came to Brooklyn and made them stop.
2. When I almost couldn’t have a Bar Mitzvah because my father wouldn’t come, Charlie Banks was the one who learned the Torah with me, even though he is a Protestant and would not know Hebrew from a barn wall or a hole in the ground or Adam or etc.
3. When my Mom didn’t have enough money to send me to a summer camp that wasn’t restricted to Christians, Charlie Banks was the one who made me a bat boy for the New York Giants and took me on the road with him.
4. Whenever I do something I shouldn’t do, like fib or not study or talk like a Big-Mou
th, Charlie Banks is the one who tells me to knock it off.
And in case you think I am making any of this up just because he’s famous, I have witnesses. If you want, you can ask my principal (Mr. Demarest) or my mother (Mrs. Margolis) or Hazel MacKay the singer (who is also famous). That’s why I think I should be allowed to get Charlie into the White House instead of my father. After all, the Constitution says that everybody has the same rights—including me and Charlie. And that’s the law.
If Charlie Banks were president, the Nazis would have been gone a long time ago. Not from getting popped in the mouth (even though Charlie could do that too), but from going to Germany himself with police and the Army and throwing Hitler and Goebbels and Goring in jail until: (1) all of the Jews got to take off their yellow stars and (2) the lights went back on in London so Edward R. Murrow could come home and get a job. Then Charlie would find an old man with a white beard like von Hindenburg to run Germany the right way while Hitler cleaned toilets and made license plates.
If Charlie Banks were president, he wouldn’t have time for biscuitheads like Father Coughlin or Representative Rankin who think that just because the Declaration of Independence was written by white guys like Jefferson and Button Gwinnett, nobody else should get in on the deal too. Instead, he would go in front of Congress to make a new law and if any of them gave him a hard time about Negroes or Orientals or whoever, he would point his finger and say, “You and you and you. Get out.” Then when they were gone he would tell the rest of them, “Now let’s have a bill.”