Q: Where’s your father?
A: Over there. In the stands.
Q: Is he rooting for the Giants?
A: For Brooklyn.
Q: Does that bother you?
A: Only when he brings Nana Bert.
Q: How often does he do that?
A: Not since I hit her with a foul ball. It was Charlie’s idea.
Q: You don’t like Nana Bert much, do you?
A: She has long red fingernails. Aunt Carrie says with claws like that she could climb the Chrysler Building. My Dad is bringing her with us when he takes me to the World’s Fair. Maybe the Trylon’ll fall on her.
Q: Have you ever been out of Brooklyn before?
A: No. Afraid.
Q: Of what?
A: Smokes, what if I look back over my shoulder and turn into a pillar of salt? That’s what happened to Lot’s wife.
Q: I remember.
A: Then stop laughing. It isn’t funny. When Charlie Banks takes me on a road trip with him—
Q: Joey, listen to me. Charlie Banks doesn’t even know who you are. And he’s not going to take you on any road trip.
* * *
Bureau of Vital Statistics
964 Marquette Street
Racine, Wisconsin
Dear Bureau of Vital Statistics—
My name is Joseph Margolis Banks and I am eight years old and I am doing a project for my school where we have to draw our family tree. Since my father died last year and can’t help me my teacher Mrs. Hicks told me I should write to you. The only thing I know is that his family came from Racine and I have a cousin named Charles who was born in 1917 and knew my dead father.
Please help me find him.
Very truly yours,
Joseph Margolis Banks
* * *
* * *
Mr. Joseph Margolis Banks
236 Montgomery Street
Brooklyn, New York
Dear Joseph:
Thank you for your letter. I am glad that your teacher told you to write to us, so that we can help you learn to use the friendly services provided to you by our government. I was surprised to find out that you are only eight years old, because we usually hear from older boys and girls!
Most of the time, we need to know a little bit more about your family before we can help you—such as your father’s first name, which you forgot to give us. There are many Banks families in Racine, but I am happy to tell you that only one of them had a Charles born in 1917. (By the way, our records show that your father Herbert is still alive, but since receiving your letter we have changed that. We’ve also added your name to his family. You see? Sometimes you can help us as much as we help you!)
Charles lives at 615 Riverside Drive, New York, New York, which practically makes you neighbors! I believe that he is some sort of an athlete, so you can be very proud of him. You and he still have a Cousin Ivy, who recently moved to Des Moines; Charles also had an older brother named Harlan, who died of a concussion seven years ago. I am so sorry.
I am enclosing your full family tree, and hope that it helps you to get good marks in school!
Sincerely,
Elsie McKeever
Archivist
* * *
INTERVIEWER: Donald M. Weston, Ph.D.
SUBJECT: Joseph Charles Margolis
Q: Oh, my God. This is mail fraud!
A: You haven’t heard the half of it yet. I also found out that he gets his hair cut at a place called Popo’s and he drives a Reo with a radio in it and he can almost play “In the Mood” on the alto sax and Harlan used to call him Chucky. Elsie McKeever’s a lousy security risk. Can I have an inkblot?
Q: You know, if you were seven years older they could put you in jail!
A: But you’d get me off, wouldn’t you? You’re my mouthpiece.
Q: Joey, how long do you think you can get away with this?
A: Until Charlie takes me on a road trip with him.
Q: I see.
A: You don’t believe me, do you?
Q: Why don’t we look at some inkblots?
A: Forget it. I’ll ask the Green Hornet.
* * *
Teacher’s Comments:
Joseph remains a challenging student. While I appreciate his creativity, I am sure you will agree that a classroom is an inappropriate forum for a reckless imagination. There is not a shred of evidence to support his claim that Dolley Madison was a Lesbian, and even fewer grounds to explain why he even knows what the word means. Similarly, an analysis of the Constitutional Convention does not generate sufficient cause to initiate a two-hour classroom debate on what types of automobiles the Founding Fathers would have driven were they alive today. When asked on a subsequent examination, “What did Benjamin Franklin use to discover electricity?” eleven children responded, “A Packard convertible.” I trust you see my problem.
Finally, there is the matter of Joseph’s growing infatuation with Rachel Panitz. Though I have nothing against puppy love, per se, he is at an age when boys tend to hide feelings of romantic attachment behind acts of overt hostility. In short, I am unable to stop him from throwing things at her, such as erasers, paper clips, fountain pens, and lightweight textbooks. Frankly, I haven’t heard of anyone’s being shelled that badly since the Germans attacked Gallipoli. Perhaps you can have a word with him in this regard.
Janet Hicks
Parents’ Comments:
As usual, I am very proud of Joey’s grades. I too was unaware that Dolley Madison was a Lesbian. I assumed they were all Protestants.
Thank you for writing.
Ida Margolis
* * *
* * *
Mr. Charles Banks, NY Giant
615 Riverside Drive
New York, NY
Dear Mr. Banks,
I am a 12 year old boy and I have just enlisted as a drummer in the marine corpse. The reason for this is because I read the newspapers all the time, and you don’t even have to have an education to see that this Hitler is no laughing matter. No sir. So even if it means that I have to die at a very young age, I have made up my mind that I will go down fighting for God and my country just to keep the world safe for democracy.
I am writing because me and the other boys are shoving out for Montazuma and Tripoli and other places where fighting is already fearce, and we are not expected to come back alive. Anyway last night we were in our bunks wondering how many more sunsets we would get to see, when all of a sudden the Sarge said “Gee, wouldn’t it be great if Charlie Banks could hit but one more before we go off to lay down our life?” Everybody shook their head yes including the general, and being the youngest I got to write the letter, the same way I always have to do KP from being only 4 ft. tall and everybody can beat you up if you don’t.
Mr. Banks, I read in this magazene once where Tris Speaker visited an army barracks and promised all the boys there that he would hit one out for them before they got shot up. So I would appreciate it if you would come to the plate sometime during Saturday’s game with Saint Louis and point to one of the outfields and say “This is for my friend Joey Margolis” (please do this on the radio). Then all you have to do is hit one over the wall.
Thank you so very much.
God Bless America.
Your friend,
Joey Margolis
* * *
* * *
Mr. Joseph Margolis
236 Montgomery Street
Brooklyn, NY
Now look you little pisser. You write one more letter like that last one and your going to wish you were dying from an incurable disease. Because if there’s a war—and there better not be as long as that dime store New Dealer keeps his damn nose where it belongs—there’s going to be a lot of guys scared to death who figure that if they’re lucky, maybe they get to come back with all their parts. That’s if they come back at all. So you just think about that before you pick up another pencil, you understand?
If I was your old man I would take a ha
ir brush to your butt and fix it so you would not be able to sit down again until you were old enough to vote.
Charles Banks
3d base
P.S. And how did you get my home address anyway?
* * *
* * *
Mr. Charles Banks
615 Riverside Drive
New York, NY
Dear Mr. Banks,
You can go to Hell. My old man is a submarine commander who could knock your block off.
Do you know what would have happened if a Brooklyn policeman or somebody got ahold of my mail and found out I was writing to a Giant? The pokey probably, that’s what. So don’t give me any of your lip. Juvenile Hall was bad enough.
Anyway, nobody asked for your damned autograph. I never even heard of you before. And even if I did, you can bet that I’ve got more important things to do with my life than waste my time with a bully who just because he gets caught trying to steal home would pop a pitcher in the mouth. And you’re supposed to be the new Roger Bresnahan? I guess that shows you can’t believe everything you read in the papers. Even Roosevelt.
You’re just about the cheapest kind of sport I ever heard of. And I hope you break both your legs the next time you slide into second base.
Your arch foe,
Joseph Margolis
P.S. Who are you calling a dime store New Dealer? Did you ever end a Depression?
* * *
* * *
Dear Kid,
Whoa.
In the first place, nobody held a gun to your head to fib about being blind and etc., which means if you get caught you shut up and take your medicine like a man.
And in the second place, I never slugged Derringer on account of getting picked off, as that is the nature of the game. I slugged him on account of calling me a cocksucker which is a whole different matter. You better learn how to get your facts straight before you go shooting off your mouth.
Charles Banks
3rd base
P.S. What were you in Juvenile Hall for? I signed baseballs there once. Some little shit swiped a rubber from my wallet but left the fin and the picture of Lucille Ball. Was that you?
* * *
* * *
Dear Mr. Banks,
This is from The Brooklyn Eagle on April 24.
Banks Starts Another One
New York Giants third baseman Charlie Banks incited yet another brawl over what appeared to be a routine call during a doubleheader with Cincinnati yesterday afternoon at the Polo Grounds. The showdown began in the sixth inning of game one, when Redlegs hurler Paul Derringer attempted a pickoff at third base and caught Banks, long noted for his short fuse, in a rundown between the bag and home plate. Upon being called out by plate umpire Lucchesi, Banks promptly charged the mound and left Derringer with a split lip that later required four stitches. There appears to have been no provocation for the rookie’s latest display of on-the-field fisticuffs.
Don’t tell me to get my facts straight.
Joseph Charles Margolis
(but the Charles gets
changed because of you)
P.S. They locked me up in the Joint for assault with a deadly weapon but had to let me go because the bullets were made of bubblegum. I am a fugitive from a chain gang. So you’d better not get in my way.
* * *
* * *
Dear Fujitive,
Nice way to finish the damn sentance. “,although an unnamed Cincinnati outfielder admitted that Derringer may have uttered an obscenity that was misinterpreted by Banks.” Misinterpreted my ass. He called me a cocksucker. How many different ways are there to interpret that?
I’m inclosing one last picture. Don’t write to me again.
Charles Joseph Banks
(looks like we both got burned)
* * *
* * *
Dear Mr. Banks,
Your middle name isn’t Joseph, it’s Lindon because of your mother’s father. You were born in Racine, Wisconsin, on August 7, 1917, and you’re 5’ 11½” and 181 lbs., and your father was the Vice President of Racine Produce Incorporated and your mother wrote for a newspaper and you bat right and throw right. Except when you were a Springfield Bluejacket and you batted left in three games. So don’t try to pull any more fast ones. And stop sending me your damned picture. Didn’t Harlan teach you any manners?
Joey Margolis
* * *
* * *
Dear Arch-Foe,
I batted left in four games at Springfield. The reason why people think it is only three is because the fourth one hit the Waterloo pitcher in the nuts and they do not like to write about such things in the newspaper, but pretend it didn’t happen instead. Even though you could hear him screaming “shit-fuckpiss” all over Illinoise.
“Lindon” doesn’t have an “o” in it but an “e”. Linden.
It is six feet even now. Practically. 5’1115/16” with a haircut.
Who in Hell is Harlan?
Now go find yourself a new idle. I don’t want to hear from you anymore.
Charlie Banks
3d base
* * *
* * *
Time Magazine
Roper Poll Results:
The Five Most Admired Men and Women of 1940
Franklin D. Roosevelt, Chief Executive
Jesus Christ, Savior
Ginger Rogers, Actress
Eleanor Roosevelt, First Lady
Charlie Banks, Third Baseman
* * *
* * *
Dear Mr. Banks,
Nobody ever said you were my idol. You couldn’t even get in front of Ginger Rogers, and all she ever did was have big bosoms.
Know what really browns me off? At school we had to write this English assignment called “An American Hero” and mine was going to be about my father—except his secretary Molly said, “I’m sorry honey but he’s all booked up.” Then Nana Bert said “He’s sleeping, dear. Call him in October, dear. We’re going to Monte Carlo, dear.” So I went and wrote it about you instead. I even clipped one of your baseball cards from the five and dime so I wouldn’t have to get paste on the ones I already have. No wonder I got an F.
And you can forget about the home run. I only needed one because I’m a short Jew and Lenny Bierman isn’t. Somehow he thinks you’re my best friend, and I ran out of ways to stall him. Thanks for nothing.
Joseph Margolis
P.S. Harlan was your brother from 1914. What kind of a dope do you think I am?
* * *
* * *
Racine Rocket Shatters Own
Record With Solo Shot
THE POLO GROUNDS. Third baseman Charlie Banks today ripped the longest home run ever hit out of Coogan’s Bluff, measuring 519 feet and breaking the same record he set last month by a full three yards. Asked why he bothered, considering the Giants’ 9–0 lead over the Cubs going into the inning, the Wisconsin-born righthander replied, “I was bored.”
* * *
* * *
Dear Kid,
Let’s see Ginger Rogers do that.
I’ll tell you what gets under my hair. All over the world right now is guys who would give their right arm to get a letter back from me, some of them even grown people who think I am their God. A previous example: “Dear Mr. Banks, We would like you to come to our town for Charlie Banks Day and accept the key to our city” (from some place in Iowa I never heard of and wouldn’t know what to do with their damn key anyway), or this one: “Dear Mr. Banks, Although I had never been a baseball fan until you began to play, I would like to thank you for making me feel young again” (from Tenesee which is that long skinny thing next to West Vagina). Then there’s you: “Dear Charlie, Piss off.”
You got no kick coming. Go bug DiMaggio.
Chas. Banks
3d Base
P.S. You take the Charles Banks 3d Base card back to the 5 & Dime and tell them your sorry.
P.S.2. “Somehow” he thinks I am your best friend?
Where did he hear that from? A Nazi spy? J. Herbert Hoover? Hetta Hopper? You could not tell the truth unless you thought you were prevaricating. And didn’t I tell you not to write to me anymore?
P.S.3. Who said I had a brother named Harlan?
* * *
* * *
THE WHITE HOUSE
Dear Joey:
Thank you for your most recent letter. Addressing your points in order:
(a) While I agree that Neville Chamberlain has not been especially effective in containing the Nazi aggressor, I hardly think there is any evidence to suggest that he is collaborating with them.
(b) The President is fully aware of the Reich’s air base in Bolivia. How did you find out about it?
(c) We are not particularly concerned about running against Wendell Willkie in November, either. But thank you for your encouragement.
(d) Joey, Holland is of no practical use to the Germans, and is therefore all but impervious to attack. There would be no advantage to Hitler’s crossing its borders unless it were to antagonize the entire Western Hemisphere. Furthermore, even in such an implausible scenario, Belgium would be the far more viable target; however, that is not likely to happen either.
I hope this puts your mind to rest. At least for the remainder of the week.
Cordially as always,
Stephen T. Early
Press Secretary
* * *