Okay. I’d hit it. I was freaking out. And I decided Mitch needed to know that.
Therefore, I told him, “You’re freaking me out.”
Then he freaked me out more by saying, “Good. My first strategy is working.”
I blinked. Then I stared. Then I asked, “Pardon?”
His head dipped closer to me. “I don’t know what’s gonna work with you, sweetheart, so I’m tryin’ this first and we’ll see. I need to switch things up…” he trailed off and I kept staring.
It was then I decided to share, “I like calm and to have peace of mind.”
“Kiss that good-bye,” Mitch advised.
Not a good answer.
“Um…” I mumbled, trying to pull away and failing. In fact, Mitch’s arms brought me closer and his face dipped even nearer.
“Now, before I take you home, I need you to explain something.”
“And I need another glass of wine,” I retorted with the God’s honest truth.
“I’ll get you one at home. Now you need to explain something.”
“No, I really think I need a glass of wine, like, ten minutes ago.”
Mitch was not to be denied. “Why did you leave me in bed with Billie?”
This threw me. It also, for some reason, scared me. And it scared me because that was a couple of days ago, he’d made it relatively clear he wasn’t happy I’d done it then but him asking about it again made it clear he really wasn’t happy I’d done it.
My voice was quiet and even small when I reminded him, “I already apologized for that.”
“I know you did and I told you it was okay. Now I want to know why you did it.”
Confusion edged into my fear and my head tipped to the side. “Why?”
“Why do I want to know?”
“Yeah.”
“I just do.”
I bit my lip and realized that suddenly everything that was me needed to be certain that I answered his question in the way he needed it to be answered. And that made me even more scared.
Then I decided to tell him, “I didn’t think it was the wrong thing to do.”
“Why?”
“Why?”
“Yes, why?”
“I…because I didn’t think it was wrong.”
“She’s six, I’m a grown man. I’ve known her less than a month. You don’t leave a grown man alone in bed wrapped around a six year old.”
Oh God. I’d not only done something wrong, the way he explained it made it sound like I’d really done something wrong. In fact, I’d done something revolting.
“You got her Tylenol,” I blurted my defense on a whisper.
Mitch’s brows drew together. “What?”
“You got her Tylenol,” I repeated.
One of his hands slid up the skin of my back to sift into my hair as he murmured, “Mara –”
“We were,” I hurried on, “making out. On the couch. We’d been talking. Before that, you asked me if she was down, like, I don’t know, you were her Dad or something. Then she came out and threw up. And it was…I was scared. I didn’t know what to do and parents…” I shook my head, feeling stupid, feeling exposed and looked away then looked back to him because I couldn’t give up. I had to explain because it was important. “Parents when they’re starting out, they don’t know what to do. And you found out what to do and did it. You went to the drugstore, like any Dad would do. Not like Bill would do. If Billie was puking, Billy would probably take care of her. Bill would…Bill might not even be there but he probably wouldn’t even wake up. But you went to the drugstore. Then you stayed with us. And she was shivering so hard and she didn’t want you to go. She wanted you there. And it was just…we were just…I forgot who we were and I thought, I thought…” I shook my head again, closed my eyes tight, pressed my lips together, opened my eyes and whispered, “I thought she’d never had a good Dad and I’ve never even had a Dad but I thought…if you had a Dad and you got sick, the best place to be was pressed close to your Dad and he’d make you feel better.” I pulled in a breath, dropped my eyes from the intensity of his and looked at his throat. “I didn’t leave her in bed with Mitch. I left her in bed with the man who took care of her when she was sick. I didn’t think it was wrong. I never considered it was wrong. I actually thought,” I pulled in another breath and my voice dropped lower when I admitted, “I actually thought it was beautiful.”
His hand cupped the back of my head and he pressed my face into his throat. Tears filled my eyes and my fingers clenched into his shirt.
God, I wasn’t only a Two Point Five, I was an idiot. Why did he even want that deal he made me agree to at dinner? Why? It didn’t make sense.
“I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable. I didn’t even think,” I told his throat.
“Quiet,” he replied softly.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.
Lips to my hair, Mitch said gently, “Mara, honey, I needed to know why you did that because it occurred to me after you told your story that there’s a reason you’re pathologically shy around men you’re attracted to. And that reason might not be healthy. And I gotta know what I got on my hands with you.” I tried to tilt my head back but he kept it in his throat and kept speaking. “But what you just told me is not unhealthy. What you just told me tells me that I’ve already broken through that cocoon.”
“You really haven’t,” I blurted in all honesty.
“Baby, you just told me you think of me as Billie’s new Dad to your new Mom. Soon, those kids are gonna be yours officially and any guy lucky enough to get you is gonna have to be a guy lucky enough that you think he’ll make a decent Dad to those kids. And obviously, you think that of me. So if that isn’t a big, freaking tear in the shit you got wound tight around you, nothin’ is.”
My head jerked back, taking his hand with it and I looked at him.
“I don’t think of you as Billie’s new Dad.”
“Baby, you do. You just said it.”
Shit! I did!
“It may have sounded that way but I don’t think of you as Billie’s new Dad.” Though, thinking on it, that was a kind of lie because, truthfully, I kind of did.
“At the time, you didn’t blink before you asked, ‘are you doin’ the drugstore run or am I?’ It was a given to you I’d be there through whatever we had on our hands with Billie. You didn’t ask me if I minded goin’ to the store. You assumed one or the other of us would make the run to get Billie what she needed.”
“I wasn’t thinking clearly then because I was scared and she was sick. But I don’t think of you as her new Dad. That’s crazy!”
Another kind of but definitely desperate lie.
“Okay, then when you were layin’ it out for me about how we make decisions as a team about those kids, something which you not only laid out but you also reminded me about, you did not lay it out and say what you say goes because you’re their guardian. You said we’re a team and we discuss decisions and make them together. And that was even before Billie got sick.”
Shit. I did that too.
I didn’t respond. I just glared at him.
“Right now, take a second, go back and think about what you just said to me, fuck, all that you’ve said to me when it comes to Bud and Billie,” he ordered firmly.
I glared at him. Then I took a second to go back and think about what I just said to him and all I’d said to him but I didn’t need to because, essentially, I did say that. All of it.
“I didn’t actually mean it that way.” This time I semi-lied.
“No, you don’t actually mean it that way now, now that you’re not freaking out and being honest. Now, you’re freaking out a different way and lyin’ through your teeth.”
God, I hated it when he figured me out.
Mitch wasn’t done talking but when he spoke again he pulled me closer as he leaned his face to within an inch of mine and his voice was low, gentle and sweet when he rocked my world.
“That’s another thing that does
n’t turn me off, sweetheart, knowin’ that you come with those kids and you need to know that. You also need to know I want kids of my own, two of them. But I don’t care, if this works out between me and you, that the kids we have will have an older brother and sister that don’t have my blood, just my heart.”
I blinked up at him knowing my lips were parted but my body had melted into his at the same time feeling the tears sting my nose. I was about to cry because Mitch had obviously already let Billy and Billie into his heart. And I was about to cry just thinking about making kids with Mitch which wouldn’t be a dream come true. It would be something better. More beautiful. Beyond a dream and I didn’t know what that was. All I knew was that I wanted it like I wanted a lifetime of his good mornings and him looking at me the way he did when I walked into his living room that night and coming home to me and kissing my neck then my lips when he was laughing.
“Did you hear me?” he asked when I said not a word.
“Yes,” I whispered.
“So you don’t have to lie about thinkin’ that about me and Billie because I don’t mind.”
I decided to change the subject immediately. Mostly because I was about to burst into tears and I didn’t want to do that on my first date with Detective Mitch Lawson. The date had already been harrowing enough.
“Well, you can forget about the whole me being shy around men unhealthy thing because I’m all right with men. It’s just you I’m not all right with.”
“Why?” he asked.
“Because you’re you,” I answered.
“Why?” he persisted.
“Because you’re annoying, stubborn and tell me I have my head up my ass.”
He grinned and his fingers started sliding through my hair as he muttered, “Jesus, you’re full of shit.”
I totally was.
“Am not.”
“Mara, you had a problem with me for four years and in those four years you had no idea I was annoying and stubborn and I hadn’t told you you had your head up your ass.”
“You’re absolutely right. I had a problem with you for four years because you’re hot and I knew you were out of my league. Now I have a problem with you because you’re annoying, stubborn, told me I had my head up my ass and, I forgot to mention, you can be a jerk.”
His grin became a smile and his voice was soft and teasing when he said, “Glad we got that straightened out, baby.”
“Will you take me home now?” I asked tartly which was kind of a stupid thing to ask considering “home” was his home and I could definitely get in more trouble there and I knew I was already in some serious trouble.
His eyes grew dark and his arm tightened around me when he muttered, “Absolutely.”
He so totally got how much trouble I could get into at “home” mostly because he was going to get me into that trouble and obviously he was looking forward to it.
Damn.
Then he let me go but started to guide me back toward North with his arm around my shoulders and my arm around his waist as I shared honestly, “You do know because you’ve just freaked me way the heck out that you’re taking me home and then sleeping on the couch. I’m lighting candles in your room, listening to my MP3 and reevaluating my decision to make a deal with you.”
“No, what I know is I’m taking you to home and when we get there I’m gonna put a fair amount of effort into tearing that cocoon open wide.” His arm gave me a squeeze as he finished, “I’m not done with you tonight.”
“We’re done tonight.”
“We’re not.”
“We so are.”
I said this as his cell rang and he didn’t reply because he reached into his inside jacket pocket and took it out. Then he sighed when he looked at the display, flipped it open one handed and put it to his ear, all the while still walking with his arm around my shoulders.
“Lawson,” he answered then listened. “No, now is not a good time. I can’t do it,” he said, listened more and then, “You don’t get it. I really can’t do it. Mara and I have plans tonight.” He stopped talking, listened more then said, “Call Chavez.” More listening then, “Then call Nightingale.” He stopped us and stared down at his boots while he listened. Then he said, “This doesn’t make me happy.” More listening then, “Right. I’ll do it but you owe me and when I say that, I mean huge. Get me?” He listened again, sighed then lifted his head and his eyes hit mine. “I gotta drop Mara off at my place and I’ll be there. Don’t do something maverick and get your ass filled with holes before I get there. I don’t wanna be in the ER half the night and fillin’ out paperwork the other half.” Another pause then, “Later.”
He flipped his phone shut and curled me into his front.
“New deal,” he said.
Oh boy. I was already tense from the “ass filled with holes” and “ER half the night” comments. I didn’t need the added pressure of a new deal with Mitch.
“Mitch –”
“I take you home, you hang out, watch TV, drink wine, light your candles, listen to music, whatever but whatever you do, you do it not reevaluating your decision but doing what you promised and sticking with me. I gotta go out and I’ll be out for awhile. When you’re tired, you go to sleep in my bed.”
“Mitch –”
“Baby, I won’t be in it with you which sucks for me but I got a friend who needs backup tonight and none of the other guys are free. He needs someone to work this with him but even if he doesn’t get someone, he’ll work it anyway so I gotta take his back.”
“You won’t be in it with me?” I asked.
“This is gonna take a while.”
I stared at him. Then I whispered, “Is it safe?”
“It will be if I’m there. It won’t be if he goes in alone.”
“You’re sure it’s safe,” I pushed.
This time, he stared at me and his voice was gentle when he answered, “My job is not safe. Day to day my job could mean anything.”
Oh God!
“But,” he continued, “what we’re doin’ in the grand scheme of things is safe…ish.”
“That’s not a good answer, Mitch,” I whispered.
“It’s an honest one, Mara,” he returned quietly. “Now, baby, will you do me a favor and, even without me close, stay with me in the real world and crawl into my bed tonight so I know I got somethin’ good to come home to when I’m done with this shit?”
“Yes,” my mouth said before my head caught up.
He grinned at me. Then his hand came to my jaw, tipped my head back and he touched his mouth to mine.
When he lifted his head half an inch, he muttered, “Brilliant. Now I know I can pull the dangerous job card to get you to be sweet.” My eyes narrowed. “Finally,” he whispered against my lips as both his arms closed around me, “I’ve found a good use for it.”
Then he touched his mouth to mine again, this time longer, his mouth wasn’t closed, neither was mine and there was liberal tongue action.
Now that was brilliant.
When he broke the kiss and walked me back to North, I didn’t share with him that he didn’t have to use his job or freak me out enough to get what he wanted. All he had to do was kiss me and I’d be putty in his hands.
Not even that, all he had to do was call me baby.
* * * * *
Mitch took me home and kissed me at his door, not long and lingeringly, which I had to admit sucked. Then he told me not to worry if I woke up in the morning and he still wasn’t there. Whatever this was, it was going to take time, apparently.
Then he disappeared.
I washed my face and moisturized and got into my nightie and his flannel. Then I lit his candles. Then I put one of my chill out lists on his stereo.
Then I did something I hadn’t had time to do with any attention.
I inspected his house.
You could learn a lot just from music and if his music was garbage that would be an instant dealbreaker.
It was then I snooped wit
hout hesitation. He pushed this deal so I was going to find out what I got myself into.
I already knew his sister had good taste and his apartment looked like a show home but comfier and more lived in. I’d learned the day I cleaned it but also living there for a few days that Mitch wasn’t exactly tidy but he wasn’t a slob. Opened and unopened mail on a variety of surfaces (this I had organized). Sports jackets thrown over his very cool dining room chairs (these I had hung up). Sports magazines here and there, many of which should long since have been thrown away (these I’d stacked).
It was then I found he had great taste in music, excellent actually, more eclectic than mine and he invested heavily in CDs which was almost unheard of these days with MP3 but it was something I liked. He also had great taste in movies as evidenced by his DVD collection, heavy on the action with a good intermingling of thrillers. We were a half and half with the same taste in books. He read thrillers, as did I, but he also read true crime, which I did not.
I moved to the kitchen and noted what I’d previously noted. He drank American beer in bottles. I also noted he clearly cooked and when he did, he cooked more than chili. It wasn’t like he had a larder readily stocked just in case he was in the mood to whip up a cake. But he had spices that would indicate his culinary arsenal included more than chili and staples that evidenced that arsenal was a lot more than chili.
His medicine cabinet in the bathroom confirmed what I knew, that he didn’t use product in his hair. It also gave me the added and weirdly interesting fact that he was an ibuprofen person, just like me. No aspirin or acetaminophen to be found, again, just like me (if you didn’t count the recent addition of children’s Tylenol).
I stopped snooping, started listening to music, stopped listening to music then, yet again, I crawled into Mitch’s bed.
His bed was awesome but he really needed a mattress from Pierson’s. His mattress didn’t suck but it was nowhere near a Spring Deluxe. It wasn’t even in the same range as a Slumber Excelsior.
I decided to focus on advising Mitch on back health and the importance of having the proper mattress rather than the fact that I was again in Detective Mitch Lawson’s very cool apartment. I was again going to sleep by climbing into Detective Mitch Lawson’s very cool bed. But this time after the scary but undeniable fact that we’d had our first official date during which I had a feeling I agreed to be his girlfriend.