My father and I made our way through the double glass doors at Ace of Spades and walked towards the back. We made sure the bar wasn’t too far from sight. A server who introduced herself as Sidney greeted us. She was as beautiful as she was friendly, probably a student at one of the local universities.
“Are they keeping you busy tonight?” Robert reciprocated the friendliness he received.
“Yes, they certainly are. I’ve been running nonstop since I got here.” She looked at her watch and then continued. “I’m not sure what time I’m getting out of here.”
She spoke with a southern accent. Robert looked at me and smiled. She took our orders and excused herself. I knew it wouldn’t be long before my father would start his usual antics. There was never a dull moment when we are together.
“That’s a nice girl, isn’t she?” He paused. “Is she your type?”
“Dad, don’t start,” I responded after ignoring him initially.
“What?”
“Come on, pops. I know exactly where you’re going with this. And no, I’m not interested.”
“You don’t have to ask her out. If she gets off before we leave, just ask her to have a drink with you.”
“I’m not interested, dad,” I said firmly and smiled.
I looked over at the bar, searching for anything I could use, anything I could say that would get under my father’s skin.
“But, look. There’s a cute guy sitting by himself at the bar. Won’t you do me a favor and ask him to come join us for a drink. Better yet, I’ll ask Sidney to relay the message for me,” I continued.
“Oh, you have jokes.”
“And apparently, so do you.”
Robert got a kick out of playing matchmaker. I amused myself even more, pointing out any guy who peaked my interest, even if it were just pretense. Sometimes my father agreed, and that tickles me. Sometimes he just looked at me as if he thought I was serious. Other times, my father would look at me with that are-you-serious expression on his face. Robert knew I wasn’t a ladies’ man, though I wouldn’t have had any problems playing that roll. My father knew I wouldn’t disrespect him, attempting to pick up some man in his presence. It was all fun and games.
Sidney returned with a server’s tray carefully balanced in one hand.
“Your Heineken, sir,” she said, placing the bottle and a frosted glass in front of Robert. “And a Long Island for you.” She placed my glass before me, being careful not to spill its content.
“Trevor,” Robert offered. His eyes still focused on pouring his drink in the glass.
“Excuse me,” Sidney said. She was standing with one leg crossed over the other, looking in Robert’s direction.
“His name is Trevor,” he repeated, looking up at Sidney.
Oh God, here he goes again, I thought.
“It’s nice to meet you, Trevor,” Sidney responded, smiling receptively. “Can I get you gentlemen anything else?”
“Sooner than you know,” I joked. “He drinks like a fish,” I continued, directing Sidney’s attention back to my father.
She looked at Robert and furnished a bright smile.
“Yeah, and he’ll be drunk before you know it,” Robert joked.
“Don’t drink too fast. Collin, our bartender, makes really strong drinks,” Sidney said, almost in a whisper, as if she were giving away some long held secret. “I’ll be back to check on you. Enjoy!”
“Thanks for the warning,” Robert said.
He took a gulp of his drink and placed the half-emptied glass back on the table. Sidney winked, then turned and walked away. Unintentionally, her walk demanded attention, and as she passed some of the customers, she got just that.
“So, how’s Kelvin doing?”
“He’s doing really well, dad.”
“And you?”
“I’m fine.”
“No, I mean your feelings towards him. Are you where you thought you would be?”
“I think I’m doing much better, considering. I will always love him.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“And the weekend he was here felt like old times, when we would get up Sunday morning, grab mocha, hot chocolate, and a newspaper from Starbuck’s, and spend the evening at home, sleeping, making out, or watching TV. I think I just wanted that feeling with him again.”
“You don’t think you can get that feeling with someone else?”
“At this point, I don’t really know,” I said, and thought about Jackson.
“There’s nothing wrong with loving him, but loving him shouldn’t stop you from loving yourself or falling in love with someone else.” It was as if Robert had eavesdropped on my thoughts.
“It’s like you said before, dad. Sometimes you have absolutely no control over your feelings. But I think I’m getting some of that control back.”
“Good to hear.”
Robert put the glass to his mouth again, and his drink was all gone.
“I think I need another.” He lifted his bottle to signal Sidney. She nodded. Then he pointed to me. “Bring him one, too,” he mouthed, even though I was still babysitting my first drink.
“Letting go of Kelvin would mean letting go of so many things. But holding on would keep me from loving someone else.”
“I have been where you are,” Robert confessed.
Wait a minute. What? I thought. My look of confusion gave Robert the need to explain.
“One of the reasons I took so long to move on after your mom passed was because I didn’t want to share what I felt for her with anyone else.”
“Dad, I know you love mom, but if she was as you say, she would be happier if you were with someone. I know she doesn’t want you to be alone.”
“I know that, but I never got to say goodbye to her. Anyway, we are not talking about me.”
“Ok.”
“The thing is, son, you have to allow yourself to feel everything you’re feeling, and not run from them. But you can’t be a prisoner to your feelings and allow them to hold you back; depress you.”
“I agree. Lonely at times, yes, but not depressed.”
“Well, whatever it is, I have heard it in your voice. I’ve heard a yearning for what used to be. You had a chance to relive that when Kelvin visited, and I’m sure that has complicated things. But, in time you have to move on.”
“Yes. I know.”
“Are you gentlemen ok?” Sidney asked, announcing her presence.
“We’re fine. Thank you.”
Sidney carefully placed the drinks in front of us and then tended to the couple two tables away. Robert was good at giving advice, and I always felt good talking with him.
“I hope you know life didn’t end when Kelvin left. I’m not sure what it is you have with him now, and I’m not sure how healthy that is,” Robert said, I remained silent. “Whenever it’s time for your next relationship, you cannot put on this new person the things you experienced in the past. Look forward to the new adventures and things you will experience with this person in the future.”
“True,” I agreed and thought about Jackson, again. “I want to move on. I just don’t think anyone is going to wait for me to get over Kelvin. I have to get over him before I can think about starting over with anyone.”
“I think that is best. Leave Kelvin and everything that involves him in the past. There is nothing worst than dating someone who has not let go of yesterday’s hurt or baggage. Unless you are brain-dead, the memories of him will always be there, but you have to put them in their proper place.”
“Oh, I am aware of that.”
“I’m talking from experience, son.”
I had no idea who Robert was talking about. The truth was, even if he had, or wanted, Robert didn’t have time for a relationship. He was always working, or at home whenever I called. Maybe he wasn’t home alone, but he never mentioned anyone being there with him.
“Dad, what are you not telling me?” I sat back and rested my arm on top of the ch
air next to me.
“Actually...” Robert said, hesitating.
“Ok. What’s her name? Wait, you didn’t fall in love with the clean-up woman, did you?” I joked, taking the edge off the conversation.
“Her name’s Natalie Barnes.” As Robert spoke, an innocent blush fell over him. “I met her a few months ago. I’ve been meaning to tell you.”
“Dad, you’ve been meaning to tell me?” I questioned, staring across the table into my father’s face.
“Yes. I didn’t know how you would feel. I didn’t want you to think I was replacing your mother.”
“Dad, dead or alive, no one’s ever going to take her place as my mother. I don’t believe she’s that selfish to want to see you alone forever. She’s gone, you grieved. It’s time you moved on.”
“I’m not alone. I have you.”
“You know what I mean. You know mom would want you to find someone who would appreciate your love and all that you have to give.”
“So this doesn’t upset you?”
“No. That’s nothing to get upset about.” I took another sip from my drink. When my glass was back on the table, it was empty. “I’m a big boy now.” I winked and smiled, reaching for my next drink. “So when do I meet Ms. Barnes? Maybe we could double-date.”
“Remember son, Collin makes strong drinks,” Robert cautioned.
“Don’t worry. I know when to say when. I’m with an officer of the law. If I’m not able to drive, I’ll have Sidney take us home.”
“Oh, and I heard your little remark about double-dating.”
Robert winked as he took a gulp of his drink.
“Whenever you’re ready, the date’s on me.”
He took another gulp from his glass and he was ready for his third bottle of Heineken. The conversation kept going, and Sidney kept the drinks coming.
CHAPTER TWENTY
SO I CAN FEEL YOU STILL LOVE ME
Dexter
The drive from my parents’ house, down I-95 to The Heart Center at Mercy Hospital, was quiet, and took longer than I thought it would. I drove in silence, affording myself the opportunity to think about the things I’ve always wanted to say to my father but never did. As I entered the visitor’s parking garage, I became overwhelmed with the thought of losing my father.
Diedra and Marcel had excused J.R. and Briana from the last two weeks of basketball and dance camp to make the unexpected trip. Dane, who had begun shooting scenes for his new action movie ‘Together They Fall’, had taken a break from his busy schedule. He was back at the house resting, after spending much of the previous night by my father’s side. Rian and his fiancé, Lena, would be back at the hospital later.
Once in the elevator I was reminded exactly why I hated hospital visits. The smell of sickness, of death, made me ill. No matter how sanitary, the smells were always the same, always present, always lurking around, waiting to penetrate the nose of those who visited. A conversation with a female patient on an evening stroll, looking as if she had received her invitation from death, went no further than hi. As I exited the elevator, my nephew stood outside a room, his face pressed close to the glass window that separated him from the occupants. As I neared, I noticed the tears streaming down the sides of his face as he watched his father and grandmother standing over the bed, attempting a conversation with his grandfather.
“Hey, J.R,” I greeted, touching my nephew’s shoulder. When he turned to face me, I tried to reassure him his grandfather was going to be ok. Whether J.R. actually believed me was something entirely different. He was old enough to understand sickness; death, however, would be a new experience for him.
“Uncle Dex, we’ve been here all day and he hasn’t moved. Are you sure he’s going to be ok?” J.R. asked. His eyes were filled with sadness.
“Your pop’s a tough one. Plus, God isn’t ready to deal with him in heaven just yet.”
“I don’t want to lose him, Uncle Dex,” J.R. said with a noticeable lisp his sister often teased him about.
“He’ll be ok. I promise,” I said, making a promise I wasn’t sure I could keep.
I needed to say something to comfort J.R. I thought about the hospital’s reputation and was immediately at ease. How could he not pull through?
“Once he realizes we’re all here waiting for him, he’ll recover. You’ll see,” I continued.
“I hope so.”
“Where are your mom and sister?”
“They should be back shortly. I think they went to use the restroom.”
After acknowledging my mother and brother-in-law through the glass window, J.R. and I walked to the waiting area.
The area was quiet and comfortable. A young wife with tear-stained face slept peacefully with her head resting comfortably in her husband’s lap. White linen blanketed her from the cool hospital air. An older gray-haired woman standing in the corner on her cell phone spoke in a hushed tone, giving updates to family members whose days had already been too long, or whose hearts needed a break from the wavering possibilities. There were live green plants in every corner. The television volume wasn’t at some intolerable level, and the desk attendant wasn’t hiding, afraid of being asked questions she couldn’t provide the answers to. The doctors didn’t leave you wondering about your loved ones prognosis.
“So, your mom tells me you’re in basketball camp. How’s that going?” I asked as we sat in the barrel back chairs.
“It’s fun. The guys there can play, but believe me, I was hanging with them. I’m learning enough to hopefully make the varsity team this year.” J.R. said, sounding more confident than ever about his basketball skills.
“That’s great! Good to see you’re doing well.”
“Yes, Uncle Dex. I am doing fine. I told you I was going to be ok.”
“I know, I know. I still have to ask though. I love you, lil man,” I said, even though my lil man wasn’t so little anymore.
“I love you, too, Uncle Dex.”
We smiled.
I took my nephew’s head and rested it on my chest. I sat observing family and friends go in and out of room three hundred and six. Some wore smiles that gave hints of hope that the patriarch was well on his way to recovering. Others sported sadness, or sometimes floor-focused gaze, showing all signs that the end might not be too far away. Already four days in the hospital and nothing had changed. But everyone took comfort knowing he hadn’t gotten worse, and although it wasn’t much of a relief, it was good enough.
I tried to avoid the thought of losing my father, but every time I tried to put those thoughts out of my mind, they kept creeping back. I loved my family, especially my mother, and while Marvin and I had moments when reconciliation seemed next to impossible, I loved him, too.
“Are you going to be alright?” I asked.
I stood looking at J.R.
“I’ll be fine, Uncle Dex,” J.R. responded, folding his arms across his chest, hanging his head slightly.
“Cool. I’ll be right back. I’m going to have a chat with the old man.”
PART TWO
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Here we are, again
Dexter
I stood outside the room with one hand in my pants pocket, the other over my mouth, staring at the motionless figure that, unfortunately, was my father. Although Marvin has had similar scares, none required a hospital stay this long. He certainly never needed the assistance of any machine to help him breathe. Usually Marvin was in and out of the emergency room with a to-do list from some heart specialist. When my mother came from the room, I was almost afraid to ask her what happened. Marvin didn’t live a stressful life. He’s never smoked, and he had been following doctors’ orders since his last episode; at least that’s what Eleanor had told me.
“Mom, what happened?” I asked, reluctantly.
“I’m not sure, son. He came home from playing his usual rounds of golf, walked into the kitchen to get something from the refrigerator and collapsed. When I came into the kitchen, he was lying
on the floor; the pieces from the glass lemonade pitcher were all around him.
“Did he have any other injuries?”
“Nothing showed up the x-rays.”
I sighed in relief. Marvin’s old bones would have been too hard to heal. I walked past my father’s bed and stood facing the row of windows that made up the fourth wall in the room. As much as I wanted, I couldn’t bring myself too close to him. The child in me who needed his old man during my own accident, wanted to leave without saying a word, but the man I was kept my feet planted. It pained me that my father never tried to understand me or some of the choices I made. It seemed none of the decisions I made were ever to my father’s satisfaction. Marvin DeGregory was not an easy man to please, and he made pleasing him even more difficult for me.
Facing my father, with the back of my head pressed against the window, I realized how delicate he seemed lying there, even though there was nothing delicate about him. Marvin was always a stern man. His voice was always powerful, and when it was unintentional, his softest whispers mimicked his loudest screams.
“I know my voice is probably the last you expected to hear,” I began. “I’ve been here for a while, sitting in the waiting area, waiting to have you to myself. Yes, I know it’s selfish of me. It’s been some time since we’ve spoken, and although I know you will pull through, I didn’t want to keep all of what I need to say to you until…”
I was again interrupted by those thoughts of my father dying, and I tried hard to remove them from my mind.
“You know, dad,” I continued, “all along I thought maybe you just didn’t want to see me hurt, and that’s exactly what happened. Maybe you saw it coming.” I thought of how clairvoyant my father was, and it made me smile. “So much could have been avoided if some of the things you said in the background were said directly to me. At least we could have attempted to understand where the other was coming from.”