My eyebrows rose as I took in her determined expression. “And you’re not . . . ?” I asked, trailing off.
“Not like I thought I would be. I feel . . . weird. I just feel weird,” she confessed with an unsure smile. “I’m more upset right now for Charlie than for myself. When she told us, it hurt, and I didn’t understand it. I kept thinking that what Ben and I’d had was a lie. But I know it wasn’t. And somehow everything that happened has kind of given me this awkward form of peace.”
“Peace,” I stated dully. “You found out Ben cheated on you and that my sister had his son . . . and you feel peace?”
She sat up straighter and put her hands on the counter, her palms lightly slapping against the granite. “I told you I feel weird! Okay, so Ben knew how you felt about me, and even made sure to not throw our relationship in your face because he loved you. Ben told Charlie he knew I was supposed to be with you. For so long I didn’t know how to keep moving, and I didn’t think I was. But you were always there helping me, taking care of me, making sure that both of us kept moving. Once I knew how you felt, all I could think about was Ben, what we had, and what he would think if he knew how I felt about you. And I know you struggled with your own feelings about it.”
I shook my head when she paused, and stuttered out, “I don’t—where are you—I don’t know how that has made you feel peace.”
“You don’t?” Grey looked directly at me and a beautiful smile crossed her face. “We’ve both wondered what Ben would think. We’ve both struggled with our feelings for each other because of Ben. And now we know. Ben loved me, and I loved him. But he knew I was supposed to be with you, and knowing that, and knowing how he tried to make it easier on you, just tells me that what you and I have together is exactly what Ben would want for both of us. Not just now that he’s gone, but even when he was still here. It is the most calming thing knowing that. Yes, it hurt when Charlie told us. It hurt knowing that he’d cheated on me when I’d been with him for seven years; we’d already talked about getting married so many times, and we came back to Thatch specifically to talk to our parents about moving in together—knowing they would say no, and tell us we needed to be married first. But I have you now, and right now the thing that hurts me the most is what Charlie went through, how he treated her, and how she’s gone through the last two and a half years with this huge secret.”
“So you feel weird,” I finished for her, and her smile widened.
“Yes. I feel weird, and I want to go talk to your sister.”
“All right, then you should. Do you want me to go with you?”
“I do, but I want to go in and talk to her alone. I want you there if she needs you, and I have a feeling I’m going to need you when it’s all over.”
Pushing away from the counter, I walked around the bar and turned Grey so she was facing me and I was standing between her legs. “After everything you’ve gone through, you’re still so strong. With Ben’s death, and then everything that’s happened over the last few months, no one would blame you if you just shut down and wanted to get away from everything. But you’ve stood strong, you’ve faced it, and now your main concern is my sister, when everyone would expect you to hate her.” Cupping her face in my hands, I brought her closer to me and placed two light kisses on her lips. “You’re amazing, and I love you.”
She smiled against our next kiss, and wrapped her arms securely around my waist. “I’m really not. If we had found this out any sooner, I probably wouldn’t be this calm about it. But I feel like all the hard stuff is behind us. Ben’s death. LeAnn trying to keep us apart. Your mom. And the secret that Charlie’s had to keep all these years. Everything’s done now. We’ve already been through hell. There isn’t much more that can happen, Jagger. Knowing that, and having you here, makes all of this a lot easier.”
Grey
December 23, 2014
WITH A CALMING breath, I raised my hand and knocked quickly on the door to Jagger’s mom’s house. When no one answered, I knocked a little louder and waited when I heard someone running inside. Charlie swung the door open, her face falling when she saw that it was me.
“Grey . . .”
“Can I come in?”
She stared at me for a few seconds before nodding. “Yeah, of course.”
I stepped in and glanced around before asking, “Your mom isn’t here, is she?”
“No, she went somewhere with her husband yesterday morning, I haven’t heard from her since then.”
“Did she take Keith?” I asked quickly, my chest tightening at the thought.
“No, I’d just put him down for a nap when you started knocking. Are you here to . . . if you’re going to yell at me, then just start.”
Turning to fully face her, I threw my arms around her and pulled her close. After a few seconds of hesitation, she wrapped her arms around me and started sobbing into my chest. “I’m sorry for everything you went through, Charlie. I was hurt the night you told Jagger and me, but now I hurt for you. If I had known what had happened all along, things would’ve been different. How different? I don’t know, because to be honest, I probably would’ve been a lot more pissed off then than I was the other night. But at least you wouldn’t have had to go through all the suffering alone.”
I stood there holding her until she finished crying, and then walked over to a couch, waiting for her to join me.
“Why aren’t you screaming at me?”
“Because I forgive you, and I forgive Ben for what he did to me . . . but not what he did to you. I now have Jagger, and apparently I was really the only one who didn’t see what I was supposed to see for a long time. But my friends saw it, Jagger saw it, my family saw it, and apparently so did you and Ben. Even the man who I thought was the love of my life knew who I was supposed to be with.”
“But you did love him,” she argued.
“I did, and I still do. I will always love Ben. But after what you told me, and after thinking about my entire life with Jagger, I’m not sure that Ben really was the love of my life. I loved him for such a long time, and that love grew, but thinking back—even before I found out what he’d done—I knew something was different in what I have with Jagger now from what I had with Ben. So now I’m wondering if it was the thought of it all that I wanted so much. I’d been with Ben since I was thirteen; getting married felt natural; and since we wanted to move in together, it kind of became necessary. And getting married to my childhood sweetheart was something of a fairy tale for me—or at least that’s how it seemed. I remember thinking that it was all perfect, that my life was playing out exactly how it should, because not many people get to have the type of story Ben and I would’ve had.
“I loved Ben, and I would’ve married him and been happy for the rest of my life. But the way I was seeing that life was what made it seem so perfect. I was living in a fantasy and blinding myself to everything else around me. If I hadn’t, I would’ve noticed what I felt for Jagger earlier. Because I still can’t think of when I changed from loving Jagger to being in love with him, I just knew one day that I was in love with him and had been for a long time. And if I hadn’t been in my fantasy, I would’ve noticed that Ben was confused. I would’ve seen how he stayed away from me when we were around Jagger, for Jagger’s benefit. I would’ve seen that he had feelings for you in all those times we were around you. I would’ve seen that something was going on with him in the weeks leading up to his death. I would have seen that we were only getting married right then because we wanted to live together and I wanted my fairy tale to move forward, and not because we were ready. But I didn’t see any of those things, and because of that you had to live through years of pain. And I’m sorry.”
By the time I finished, Charlie was sobbing again. “You shouldn’t apologize to me. I made him be unfaithful to you. I was mad at you for being happy with Jagger.”
“You didn’t make him do anything. It was his choice, his decision, his acting on something he was confused about. And I underst
and why you were mad. I understand it completely and don’t judge you for that at all.”
She was shaking her head back and forth, her eyes looking down as she continued to whisper “I’m sorry” over and over again.
Scooting closer to her, I grabbed her hand and waited until she looked up at me. I sent her a sad smile as tears filled my own eyes. “Stop apologizing, Charlie. We all, unfortunately, know how short and unpredictable life is. It took me a long time to realize what I was doing to the people around me and myself by clinging to what had been and what could’ve been. That’s why I’m treasuring every second of my life with your brother, and that’s why I want for you to heal and move on with yours. I learned very recently how to let go of the past, and it was the most freeing feeling when I did. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. It’s accepting, forgiving, and being emotionally ready to keep moving.”
“I don’t think I can do that,” she admitted. The pain in her voice was the same pain that had echoed through my own mind just months ago.
“I know it’s so much easier to get trapped in the past because you want to stay there, but it’s also dangerous, and you have to be the one to decide you’re ready to move on. I love you, Charlie, I’ve known you most of my life, and you’ve always been like a sister to me. I’m not letting Keith or what happened come between us. It’s in the past, and I’m willing to let it stay there if you are.”
She didn’t say anything, just stared off into space as she quietly nodded her head; so I hugged her tightly, and then stood up. When I got to the door, I turned around to look at her.
“Do you ever go to the cemetery?”
She slowly looked up at me, her eyes red and puffy. “No.”
“Maybe you should. Go talk to Ben . . . about anything. Yell at him, tell him everything that’s happened, whatever you want. But it might be good for you.”
“O-okay.”
“Jagger’s worried about you, and so am I. Come talk to us whenever, and bring Keith with you.” With a smile in her direction, I stepped outside and walked to Jagger’s car.
He stepped out as I got closer, and rounded the hood to pull me into his arms. “How’d it go?”
“Good, I think. I gave her a lot to think about.”
“You think she’ll be okay?”
“I do.” Pressing my mouth to his, I leaned back and tightened my arms around him. “And she’ll let us know when she is.”
“All right.” He glanced up at the house and took a deep breath; then he nodded and repeated, “All right. Let’s go home.”
Epilogue
Grey
December 24, 2015
MY FOREHEAD PINCHED together and I looked back into the bathroom I’d just walked out of before glancing at the empty bed again. I’d only been in there for a max of twenty minutes as I took a shower and got ready for bed; and when I’d gone in, I’d left a sleeping Jagger.
Making sure to make my steps as silent as possible on the stairs, I walked down to the first floor and rounded the walls of the room we’d added on to the warehouse about six months ago. I loved this room. It was large and broke up the space of the warehouse perfectly, all while hiding the stairs leading up to our loft.
I opened the door to the room and rested my body against the door frame as my chest warmed and a smile crossed my face. This was the best part of the room. It held our three-month-old daughter, Aly, and currently a sleeping husband on the chair with our sleeping daughter on his chest.
Stepping into the room, I brushed my hand against Jagger’s shoulder and carefully took Aly from him. Breathing her scent, I held her close for a few minutes before putting her back in her crib. I turned around to my half-awake husband and held my hand out to help him get out of the chair.
“She started crying,” he mumbled as he pulled the door until it was barely cracked open and followed me toward the stairs.
“I figured, since when I left you, you were out.”
“Liar.”
I looked over my shoulder at him and lifted one eyebrow. “You sure about that? You fell asleep midconversation.”
“No, I—” His barely open eyes glared up at me, then he nodded and put his hands on my waist to push me up the stairs. “Maybe.”
“Yeah,” I whispered on a laugh. “Maybe.”
Putting my hands over his, I gripped them tightly when we reached the loft and he released my waist, and led him to the bed. He crawled in after me and automatically wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against his chest. Sliding one of his legs between mine, he tightened his arms and kissed the back of my neck before murmuring something about crying babies and needing to make bottles of milk for all of them because there was a breast-milk shortage in the world.
I bit back a laugh and sighed as I got comfortable in his arms, wondering how much of everything he’d done over the last twenty-five minutes had been done while he was actually conscious. Hazards that came from having a toddler and infant in the house.
Jagger and I had found out I was pregnant a month after Charlie told us everything about her and Ben’s short time together, and the reactions from everyone had been mixed, to say the least. After getting over the initial shock, Jagger and I were beyond excited. We hadn’t been using protection anyway, so it was something we both knew could happen; and just like with everything else that had happened in our lives since we finally got together, it didn’t seem rushed. It was perfect—nothing else could describe the pace at which our lives were going.
Charlie had taken it hard at first because she had still been at a point where she was starting to openly grieve what had happened to Ben, and because she had never been able to be excited about having Keith. But ultimately she’d been happy for us, and after a few months had wanted to be involved with everything even when she was away at school.
Graham had glared at Jagger every time he saw him for a solid three months until we’d gotten married, and then refused to acknowledge that the baby I was carrying was mine and Jagger’s for a few more months—chalking it up to my somehow managing to get pregnant all by myself. Whatever. He didn’t attempt to kill Jagger, so whatever ridiculousness he came up with had been fine by me.
My mom continued to ask if we were using protection even after she found out that she was going to be a grandma, and still gets a little flustered whenever she sees Jagger. It’s weird and somewhat disturbing, but Jagger and I have just learned to roll our eyes and ignore her. Dad on the other hand was a little bit harder to get through to. After already having tried to prevent my moving in with Jagger, he was livid that we’d gotten pregnant before we were married. He was still my loving dad, and was as nice to Jagger as he’d always been, but it wasn’t until Aly was born that he finally broke down and was excited about her.
We hadn’t seen Jagger’s mom in a year—actually, no one had seen her in almost a year—so she didn’t even know about Aly. Charlie and Keith had moved in with us once Charlie realized her mom wasn’t coming back, and had started going to a school only a couple hours away this past fall. Now that it was winter break, she was with us and staying in the back room with Keith. A few months after Charlie and Keith moved in, we found the rest of their belongings in front of the warehouse door. Jagger’s mom had cleared out the house and moved away with her latest husband, Robby. No one knew if they were actually still married or not, but we all doubted she would return to Thatch even if they divorced, since she knew she wasn’t well liked around here.
Since she’d more or less abandoned Keith, and Jagger and Charlie could prove that she wasn’t a fit mother, Jagger and I began the process of getting legal custody of Keith. It was easier for us since we were older than Charlie, had money coming in, and had been about to get married—and the agreement stated we would raise him until Charlie was done with school and financially capable of taking him. It was crazy becoming parents to a toddler and infant all within a year, but we’d learned quickly what we needed to know, and now things were better than ever.
Things were great here. Our lives weren’t perfect. We had our moments, but it was as close to perfect as anyone could get. I was married to my best friend, my protector, and the love of my life . . . and I couldn’t be happier. I had just started back at The Brew after taking time off for Aly, and Jagger was still selling his drawings to his guy in Seattle—which gave us an excuse to see Janie every few months. Keith was a riot and had quickly captured both our hearts, and Aly was the most precious baby. Even when she was screaming her head off, it was impossible not to be completely enraptured by our little girl. And we still visited Ben’s grave every now and then just to give him an update on everyone—including Charlie.
Like I said: not perfect, but as close to perfect as we could be.
Hands tightened against me for a second, then Jagger mumbled against the back of my neck, “Grey?”
“Yeah?”
“Merry Christmas, baby.”
I opened my eyes to see the clock on my nightstand reading 12:04 A.M., and smiled as I squeezed his arms. “Merry Christmas, Jag.”
The End
Acknowledgments
AS ALWAYS, THANK you to my amazing husband, Cory. I really could not do any of this without you, thank you for everything you do for our girls and me so I can get the stories written. Love you!
My amazing agent, Kevan Lyon, and my wonderful editor, Tessa Woodward: Thank you from the bottom of my heart! You two are incredible and I am so so thankful to have you both on my side. Right now you are both at RT14 and I’m pretty sure I sobbed because I didn’t get to be there with y’all again!
AL Jackson, words cannot express how thankful I am for you! Thank you for the sprints, thank you for the long phone calls so we could talk out our stories, and thank you for being an amazing friend! Love you, BB!
Amanda Stone, what can be said that hasn’t already been said? I love you, my days would be dull without you, and I honestly don’t know how we went so long without each other! You’re my best friend and Sef, and what would I do if you weren’t there to listen to the craziness that is my street caught on camera? ;)