‘But I don’t want to! I want to act with you!’
‘Well, perhaps you’ll be able to one day, when your current contract is finished. Though heaven knows whether we’ll still be treading the boards by then. Let us hope so for both our sakes! Now chin up, dearie. We’ve another whole week to go. Enjoy being Alice while you can.’
I did enjoy being Alice, but it was a bitter-sweet experience now.
‘I shall so miss performing with the Players. Won’t you, Diamond?’ I said.
‘Well, I like being a pussycat in my furry suit. But I wouldn’t want to do any other acting. I can’t say the words right,’ she said.
‘I’m sure you could if I had time to teach you. If only we didn’t have to stay at the Cavalcade for three whole years. I so want to be one of Mr Parkinson’s Players,’ I said, sighing.
‘But we couldn’t really go, could we?’
‘No, because of this wretched contract.’
‘But we couldn’t go anyway, not without Bertie!’ she said.
It was a shock to realize that I hadn’t even thought about Bertie. I felt terribly guilty, and was extra sweet to him in consequence. He sensed I was unhappy, though, and kept asking me what was wrong.
‘I’m just going to miss the Players so,’ I said, truthfully enough.
‘But you’ll still have your Little Stars act. And make your pretty dresses for everyone. And have Diamond – and me.’
I must have frowned. Bertie sighed impatiently. ‘Honestly, Hetty, you’re never satisfied. You always want more.’
I remembered Jem saying something very similar when I was little and begged him to take me back to the circus when I’d only just been.
I smiled wryly. ‘I can’t help it, Bertie,’ I said. ‘It’s just the way I’m made.’
The last time I played Alice was enormously poignant. I wanted to savour that special hour, but it sped past in a flash, and there I was, hand in hand with Miss Royal and Mr Parkinson, taking my final bow. When I stood there on my own, the audience cheering, I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. As soon as I was off stage I started sobbing.
‘Don’t cry, sweetheart,’ said Miss Royal. ‘We’re going to Maudie’s for a little celebration. Will you join us?’
‘Oh, I’d love to!’ I said, sniffling.
‘I’m not sure about Diamond, though. She looks far too young for nightclubs.’
I looked round for Bertie, who had been standing in the wings, clapping us. ‘Do you think you could do me a great big favour, Bertie?’ I begged.
‘Of course,’ he said, smiling.
‘Could you walk Diamond home for me? I’m sure Miss Gibson will give her a warm drink and put her to bed.’
‘So what are you doing?’ he asked. He wasn’t smiling now.
‘Miss Royal’s asked me to come to a little party at Maudie’s, to celebrate the end of the show.’
‘You’re going to the nightclub on your own?’
‘No, of course not. I said, I’m going with Miss Royal and Mr Parkinson and the other players.’
‘And you want me to act as nursemaid while you go off gallivanting?’
‘Oh, Bertie. Never mind. I’ll take her home myself, and then I’ll go back,’ I said wearily.
‘No, I’ll take her. You’ll walk with me, won’t you, Twinkle?’ he said, offering her his arm.
‘Of course I will, Bertie!’ said Diamond. ‘I like walking with you best of all.’
‘There! Someone still cares for me.’
‘Don’t act this way, please. This is such a big night for me,’ I said.
‘I know. And I hoped we’d celebrate your success as Alice together,’ he told me.
‘You’re just saying that to make me feel bad! I don’t think you had any plans at all,’ I said. ‘Diamond, be a good girl.’
I marched off to Miss Royal’s dressing room and waited there while she played her Juliet scene. She came back looking white with exhaustion, but smiled when she saw me.
I watched while she removed her greasepaint with cold cream, and then washed her face and brushed her wonderful long hair, tying it up in several shining coils. She went behind her Japanese screen and changed into one of her new art dresses, a deep sea green with a shimmering silver thread.
‘I love your dress! I meant to try to make you one. I’ve made dresses for Mrs Ruby and Lily Lark, but I’ve been so busy the last few weeks. I’ll make you one even so, and send it to you in London,’ I said.
‘That’s very kind of you, Emerald. I’d love that. But I already have my Juliet dress. You’ve completely transformed it.’
‘I think you’ve completely transformed me,’ I said. ‘I always thought I wanted to be a writer, but now, more than anything, I want to be an actress! Do you really think I have talent, or are you just being kind to me?’
‘I really think it,’ she said. ‘Oh, Emerald, you remind me so much of myself when I was young! I feel like your mother.’
‘You could be like a second mother to me, now that I’ve lost my own dear mama,’ I said shyly.
My little star! Aren’t I your second mother? Madame Adeline seemed to be peering out of Miss Royal’s looking glass, her face stricken.
I felt my stomach twist with guilt, but I couldn’t unsay the words.
‘You’re such a sweet intense little creature.’ Miss Royal eyed me up and down. ‘You look about seven in your Alice costume. I think you’d better take off your pinafore and your stripy socks if you’re coming to Maudie’s. I’ll lend you some stockings. What size shoe do you take? I think you need little heels instead of those pumps. And perhaps we’ll put your hair up too.’
She fiddled and fussed with me, deftly transforming me into a young lady. I loved her black stockings with clocks and her pearl-grey heeled shoes with satin ribbons. They were much too big for me, but I rolled the stocking tops over and over above my knees and stuffed handkerchiefs into the toes of both shoes.
Then we met up with the other players and set off for Maudie’s. Mr Parkinson gave his arm to Miss Royal. I walked a little behind, until Harry Henderson bowed to me and offered his own arm. Stella walked with Cecil, the young romantic lead. She was clearly hoping he’d take her arm, but he was talking to Alfie, the comic turn. At the rear came Mr and Mrs Greatorex, a middle-aged married couple who had played the Mad Hatter and March Hare to perfection, working a puppet Dormouse between them. I felt as fond of them all now as if they were proper family.
When we got to Maudie’s, Mr Parkinson ordered champagne and oysters for everyone. I didn’t touch my oysters, but I couldn’t resist the sparkling champagne. I drank it with such enthusiasm the bubbles went right up my nose. They all drank a toast to me – ‘Our little Alice!’ – and my heart thumped with joy. I downed my glass and then drank another. And perhaps one more. I seemed to have lost count. The bubbles were tickling my insides. I laughed and chatted and bounced about the table, talking to everyone as if they were my dearest friends in all the world.
Then Mr Parkinson looked up and waved at some new arrivals, beckoning them to our table. Oh Lord, it was Mrs Ruby and Samson! Mrs Ruby frowned when she saw me, but Samson grinned. I should have been wary, but now I was this new bubbly sparkling girl, dancing about in her borrowed pearl-grey heels. I waved at them.
‘My, my, you’ve grown up all of a sudden, Little Star!’ said Samson.
‘She’s still a child,’ said Mrs Ruby sharply. ‘I think it’s time you went home, Hetty.’
‘She’s our little Emerald for tonight,’ said Miss Royal. ‘But she certainly is a Little Star.’
‘Yes, look at me sparkling!’ I said, and I twirled round and round. The room twirled too, and I had to clutch the back of a chair to stop myself falling over.
‘Whoops! I think you’re a little the worse for wear, poppet,’ said Harry, steadying me. ‘Let me help you outside. We’ll call a cab to take you home.’ He got to his feet unsteadily. ‘Oh my, old Uncle Harry’s a little bit pickled too!’
/> ‘I’m absolutely fine,’ I said. ‘I’m not going home yet. The night is young!’ But I was starting to feel rather ill even so.
‘You’ve had several glasses of champagne on an empty stomach. Here, have an oyster,’ suggested Harry.
I heaved as soon as the salty slime touched my tongue. I ran across the room, twisting my ankle in my borrowed heels, and only just reached the ladies’ powder room in time. I was sick into the water closet, and felt so ill and dizzy afterwards I knelt on the cold stone floor, clutching my head. This room was spinning too, and it took a great effort to stand up so that I could wash my face in the basin. I rinsed out my mouth, vowing never to touch champagne or a single oyster ever again.
I felt so ashamed I decided to creep away without saying a proper goodbye. I opened the door of the ladies’ room – and bumped right into Samson, who was lounging outside the gentlemen’s. He had an empty champagne flute in his hand and was leaning against the door, his legs crossed, showing off his elegant patent boots.
‘Well, hello there, Little Star.’ His voice was slurred. He’d probably been drinking all evening, long before he started on champagne.
‘Hello, Samson,’ I whispered hoarsely.
I tried to edge past him, but he took hold of my shoulder. ‘Hey, hey, where are you off to?’
‘I have to go home. I – I’m not very well,’ I said.
‘I can see that. You’ve been having a little tipple, haven’t you, you naughty girl. Come on, you can be honest with old Samson. I’m the last one to be fierce with you.’ He patted me on the back, shaking his head and making silly tutting noises.
‘Please, Samson, I really do feel terrible,’ I said, and I felt the tears spilling down my cheeks.
‘What’s this! Tears! Oh dear, dear, dear! Don’t cry, Little Star. You’ll be as right as rain soon enough. Here, let old Samson kiss it better.’ He pulled me closer, his breath hot in my face.
‘No, please – please let me go,’ I said, squirming away from him.
But he was much too big and strong for me. He shoved me against the wall and then started kissing my face with his horrible blubbery lips. He tasted of champagne and red wine and those awful slimy oysters, and I shuddered.
‘Leave go of me! Stop it!’ I said, struggling.
My hastily stitched Alice dress tore at the seams, the bodice gaping at the front. ‘My dress!’ I cried.
‘What the hell’s going on?’ Mrs Ruby was standing there, hands on hips, staring at us, looking appalled.
Samson pushed me away from him. ‘Now then, Ruby-Red, don’t jump to conclusions. Nothing’s happened. Just some passing tomfoolery. Let’s go and join the others. Leave the little minx to recover. She’s had one too many.’ He lumbered towards Mrs Ruby, putting his arm round her. ‘Don’t frown like that, sweetheart. You don’t want to get even more lines on that old forehead, do you?’
I thought she’d slap him. She was breathing hard, her fists clenched. But she let him brush past her without saying a word. She turned to me instead. ‘What are you playing at?’ she hissed.
‘What? Are you mad?’ I said furiously. ‘I wasn’t doing anything. Samson caught hold of me and started slobbering over me.’
‘How dare you use that tone with me! And don’t start accusing Samson. I’ve got the measure of you, you shameless little hussy. Look at you, reeking of drink at your age! You can scarcely control yourself, can you? I’ve seen you making eyes at my boy. And now, when you can see the man’s in his cups and barely knows what he’s doing, you thrust yourself at him shamelessly!’
I shook my head, hardly able to believe what she was saying.
‘Don’t try to deny it! I saw you with my own eyes!’ Mrs Ruby spat at me.
‘Then you must be blind in both those eyes, because if you looked properly you’d see your so-called nephew was attacking me! I wouldn’t touch him if he were the last man alive. I can’t stand him – I don’t know why you put up with him, Mrs Ruby,’ I said. The champagne was still pulsing in my blood. My mouth opened and more words came out. Words I should never have said. ‘There’s no fool like an old fool!’
She flushed a deep ugly red, a vein throbbing in her forehead. She clutched her throat. ‘Get out of my sight,’ she gasped. ‘You’re dismissed. If you dare set foot in the Cavalcade again, I’ll have you thrown out. Go!’
I stared at her, trembling. ‘But it wasn’t my fault. You know that! You must know what Samson’s like. He can’t leave any of the girls alone,’ I protested.
‘Hold your tongue. Now get out of here.’
‘You can’t dismiss me, you know you can’t. I have a contract to perform at the Cavalcade for three more years.’
‘It’s only binding for you. I can get rid of you whenever I choose. And that’s what I’m doing. You and your sister are dismissed.’
‘Well, good! I don’t want to work for you. We’re Little Stars, remember? We’re a big draw, you’ve said so yourself. We’ll work at another music hall, maybe one of the London gaffs. You wait, we’ll still be stars,’ I shouted defiantly.
‘Don’t talk to me like that, you little fool. There’s no music-hall management will touch you, not when I’ve put out the word. We stick together. Any performer considered trouble is black-listed. Trust me, you’ll never work again. Now get out of here before I give you the good slapping you deserve.’
She gave me such a push I nearly fell over. I ran back into the main room, crying my eyes out. I felt disorientated and couldn’t see where Miss Royal was sitting. I staggered about, blundering into a chair, dodging round a waiter who tried to steer me towards the door.
Then Harry was catching hold of me, his great bloodhound face still kindly. ‘Come on, dear. Come with me. We’ll get you a cab,’ he said.
‘I must see Miss Royal first!’ I sobbed.
I spotted her at the side of the room – but Mrs Ruby had joined her and was talking rapidly.
‘You can’t bother Marina in this state, sweetheart,’ said Harry.
‘Yes I can! Miss Royal!’
She looked over at me, her hand to her mouth, shocked. Oh God, did she believe Mrs Ruby? I had to explain! I tried to push my way towards her and saw myself reflected in one of the ornate looking glasses lining the walls. I saw my dishevelled hair, my tear-stained face, my running nose, my gaping mouth, my swaying body in its stained dress. I looked like a drunk crazy girl from the gutters! I started shaking.
Mr Parkinson moved swiftly towards us. ‘Get the girl out of here, Harry,’ he said.
‘Come along now.’ Harry steered me out of the room, down the corridor and out of the door.
The fresh air made me feel fainter than ever. I had to hang onto Harry while he hailed a cab, pre-paid it, and helped me inside. I was crying all the while.
‘There now, dearie, don’t take on so. You’ll be better soon,’ he said, trying to comfort me.
But I cried all the way home.
I COULDN’T BELIEVE it had happened. I hit my fuddled head with my fists, trying to make sense of everything. I still felt very sick, and the rocking of the cab made it worse. I kept hoping that it was all a terrible nightmare.
When I was first taken to the Foundling Hospital, I’d been plagued by bad dreams where monsters snatched me from my home and started devouring me, limb by limb. When I woke up, I found I was biting my own thumb while a fierce matron in rag curlers slapped me awake because my screams were disturbing the whole hospital. I was left shivering beneath my worn blanket, the other girls whispering insults. I longed to climb into Jem’s warm bed and cuddle up close, but I was locked away from him for nine whole years.
I wanted him now. I wanted to feel his strong arms around me, his deep country voice whispering in my ear, telling me that I didn’t have to cry any more, he would look after me. Why hadn’t I stayed in the village with him? Why hadn’t I married him myself when I had the chance? Why hadn’t I run away with him?
I’d been so headstrong, so foolish, so sure I was
doing the right thing. I’d been so proud of myself for devising the Little Stars act, making Diamond and me the highlight of the show, and then getting the chance to play Alice and become a true star. I was an actress, famous in the town. Folk recognized me in the street, even without the blonde wig. They clustered round me eagerly, begging me for my signature. The ladies gave me chocolates, the men gave me nosegays as if I were a real professional actress like Marina Royal.
Now it was all over – though it hadn’t really been my fault, had it? I hadn’t deliberately encouraged that hateful Samson. I’d waved, I’d smiled, I’d danced around him, but that didn’t mean I wanted him to kiss and paw at me. Why hadn’t I gone home the moment he came into the nightclub? Why had I drunk so much champagne when I knew it made me ill? Why had I made such a spectacle of myself, so that Miss Royal stared at me in disgust? I no longer had a contract with the Cavalcade, but the Players would never invite me to join them now.
‘Here you are, missy. Home, sweet home. My, you’re in a state. I bet your ma will have something to say to you!’ said the cab driver as I staggered out onto the pavement.
I thought of Mama and burned with shame. It was bad enough facing Miss Gibson. It was so late she’d given up on me and gone to bed. I had to hammer on the door, still crying. She opened it at last, wearing a nightcap, a shawl round her shoulders, a candle in her hand.
‘Hetty! I’ve been so worried—’ she started. But then she looked at me properly and took a step backwards. ‘You’re drunk!’ she gasped. ‘And – and your dress is all torn at the front!’
‘Oh, Miss Gibson, I’m so sorry. Please believe me, it wasn’t my fault. I haven’t done anything,’ I sobbed.
‘What do you mean? You’re so drunk you can barely stand! If it wasn’t for that innocent little angel upstairs, I wouldn’t let you over my doorstep, not in this state. Get up to bed. We’ll talk properly in the morning. You do realize, I can’t let you live here any more. I knew this would happen, cavorting with all those actor folk.’ She was looking at me in disgust too.