“Richard, what is that?”
“It’s in my cart, LizAnne, so technically it’s none of your business.”
“Are you taking that, whatever it is, inside the house?”
“Yes, that’s why I’m buying it.”
“Then, Richard, if you’re taking whatever that is inside the house, technically it is my business, and no, we’re not taking that inside the house, whatever it is, so put it back on the shelf where you found it. By the way, what is that anyway?”
Richard began jogging behind his cart and hopped on with both feet as the cart gained momentum down the aisle. “Goodbye, LizAnne, I’m checking out now, so I’ll wait for you at the front entrance…pickled pigs’ feet…you’ll love them, LizAnne! Bye! See you at the front entrance!” And he waved back at me as he played his little game of ‘ten-year old boy with a grocery cart’.
~~~~~~~~~~
“So, LizAnne, are we ready to head home?” I nodded to Richard as we put the last of the groceries into the trunk of his car.
“Yes, but where is your gigantic jar of pickled pigs’ feet?”
Richard pouted his lips, pretended to wipe away a tear from his eye, and spoke in a breathy manner as if he was crying. “The store manager made me put it back. He said I couldn’t legally buy pickled pigs’ feet before 2:38 a.m. on the second Thursday of each month during leap years.” Richard and I stared at each other for a few seconds and we both burst out laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~
“Richard, be quiet, you’ll wake up the neighbors.”
“LizAnne, it’s a little hard unloading groceries at 6:15 in the morning and not making a little noise.”
“Shush, Richard.”
“Hey, Castillo!” A voice shouted from next door. “Need a little help making some more noise over there?”
“Sorry, Chuck.” Richard shouted back and looked at me disapprovingly.
I glared at Richard as I shouted back at the voice of Chuck. “Oh, Mr. Chuck, LizAnne Christie here. We’re having a pool party later, why don’t you and Mrs. Chuck join us.”
“No thank you, lady.” The voice shouted back.
“LizAnne!” Richard whispered-shouted. “Get in the house, now!” He demanded.
“What is wrong with you, Richard, why are you shoving me?”
“I’m not shoving you, just get in the house and stop shouting.”
“I wasn’t shouting, I was simply unloading my groceries and inviting the man next door to our party.”
“The man next door, Chuck?” Richard sought to clarify.
“Yes, Richard…Mr. Chuck.” I clarified in my angriest tone of voice.
“LizAnne, the man next door, Chuck, is a recluse, never leaves his house, and there is no Mrs. Chuck.” Richard informed me with an equal amount of anger in his voice.
~~~~~~~~~~
“Please stop following me around, Richard, you’re driving me nuts.”
“I’m not following you around, LizAnne, I’m just trying to make sure everything around the pool is in its place, that sort of thing.”
“Are you saying that I’m a bad housekeeper and I don’t keep the pool area cleaned and picked up?”
“No, I didn’t say that.”
“So why are you following me around, making sure everything around the pool is in its place, that sort of thing?”
Richard thumped his forehead with the palm of his hand. “Oh, now I remember why I never asked you out on a date in high school, LizAnne, because you’re a pest, a pest, LizAnne, p - e - s - t, pest!”
“Thank you, Richard, for spelling pest, otherwise, I wouldn’t have known what you were talking about.” I shook my head and turned away, resuming my cleaning duties.
“You’re welcome, PestAnne! Any time, PestAnne. Any time you need something spelled, let me know, PestAnne.” His emphasis on ‘PestAnne’ each time he said it was annoying at best.
“That’s funny, Richard, now go to your room and wait there until I call you.”
“Yes, Ma’am.” Richard thought for a second. “Wait a minute…what?”
~~~~~~~~~~
It was so obvious to me that some sort of moratorium had been put on any type of conversation concerning the almost-next Governor of the State, my soon-to-be-ex-husband, Eddie Christie. I knew all of these strangers knew exactly who I was, the almost-next First Lady of the State, and yet no one said one word about my being the housekeeper at the Castillo Home. I was simply referred to as LizAnne. Jessica and Tia went out of their way to make me feel right at home, just like family, and the three of us took to each other almost instantly. Being Richard’s housekeeper was one thing but being a housekeeper in front of and for a lot of strangers, most of whom I caught staring at me from time to time, was something quite…different…uncomfortable. I guess these strangers were wondering how it felt to fall from grace, to be nothing more than a common housekeeper, to be such a loser.
“LizAnne?” I was deep in thought as Richard tried to get my attention. “LizAnne?”
“Oh, sorry, what, Richard, did you need something?”
“No, LizAnne. Please go put on your swimsuit and join us in the pool. I insist, we all insist, end of discussion.”
~~~~~~~~~~
I was feeling a little nervous as I walked out into the pool area. I was a guest now, not the housekeeper. Several of the men approached me with an offer to make whatever I wanted to drink. I couldn’t help but wonder where Richard was.
“LizAnne, I brought you a glass of wine.” He said, appearing from behind me, and looking a little upset.
I smiled but wondered what had him troubled. “Thank you, Richard, that was very kind of you.” Richard kept staring at me, rubbing his chin and face with one hand and not letting go of the glass of wine in the other.
“Richard?” I looked down at the glass of wine still in his hand.
“Oh, sorry, LizAnne, your wine.” He extended the wine glass and continued rubbing his face and neck.
“Thank you, Richard.”
“Uh, LizAnne, can I see you in the kitchen a minute?”
~~~~~~~~~~
Richard began pacing the kitchen floor, waving his hands in the air and finally began speaking in a fairly harsh tone. “When I said swimsuit I meant…”
I interrupted. “Richard, this is my swimsuit.”
“No, I meant something a little more…”
I snapped back. “Like cut-offs and a t-shirt, Richard?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, LizAnne, I just meant…I mean I never realized you…”
I held back a smile. “You never realized I had a woman’s body?”
“Yeah, something like that.” He was uncomfortable. “Don’t you have some kind of cover up…”
“I’m going for a swim, Richard, want to join me?” I motioned toward the pool.
Richard muttered but loud enough for me to hear. “Yeah, I think I should, yeah, I think I do need a cool dip in the pool.”
~~~~~~~~~~
“Good morning, Richard, I’m sorry I overslept.”
“No problem, LizAnne, you deserved the extra sleep.”
Richard used the remote to turn off the kitchen television.
“Why did you turn the news off…I want to work in the yard this afternoon and I need to know what the weather is going to do.”
“LizAnne…” He spoke in an authoritative manner.
“Yes, Richard, I know, Jessica and Tia are coming this afternoon to help us finish the leftovers, but I only have a couple of hours of yard…”
“LizAnne!” He interrupted in a bossy manner.
“What, Richard?” I demanded.
“I turned off the news because I have news I thought you should hear from me.”
“Okay, Richard, that makes no sense but tell me your news.”
“All charges have been dropped against Ed and he’s going to be released sometime this morning.”
“Oh my God, Richard.” I felt l
ightheaded, my hands looking for the kitchen table chair.
“LizAnne, are you okay?” Richard asked with concern.
“Richard, what do I do now?” I whispered, still lightheaded, and disoriented.
Richard knelt down beside the chair I had finally found to sit in. “LizAnne, there’s nothing for you to do.” He said in a consoling and reassuring voice.
My eyes shot wide, I shot up, thinking of what Eddie’s release meant. My heart began racing and I started to feel dazed and confused. I began walking around Richard’s kitchen with my hands over my mouth. “I need to go straighten up the house, make sure we have some groceries, Eddie will be mad if we don’t have any snacks or something for dinner and I have to get to the liquor store, oh wait, it’s Sunday. Eddie’s going to be furious if we don’t have any Scotch…I guess I could borrow some from my brother but…”
“LizAnne!” Richard gently guided me back into the chair.
“What, Richard?” I looked at him with tears welling up in my eyes. “Richard, I need your help, Eddie’s going to be so mad when he finds out there’s no Scotch in the house.”
Richard knelt beside my chair again and touched my cheek. “LizAnne, is Ed a violent man?” He asked delicately but the concern on his face was intense.
“Oh, no, Richard, he’s just going to be so mad when he finds out there’s no Scotch in the house. You see, when Eddie found out he was going to be arrested, he broke all of the liquor bottles in the house, and some of them he threw at me, but, fortunately, I wasn’t hit.”
“Oh my God, LizAnne!” Richard looked horrified.
“It’s okay, Richard, I wasn’t hit.”
“Dammit, LizAnne, that’s not the point! I’m calling Larry and he’s going to make sure Ed doesn’t come near you.”
“But, Richard, he’s my husband and I have to go and straighten up the house, make sure we have something for dinner and some Scotch, I need to find some Scotch for Eddie so he doesn’t get mad at me…”
~~~~~~~~~~
“Richard?”
“Hey, LizAnne, how are you feeling?”
“Richard, where are we?”
“You’re safe LizAnne, you’re at my weekend home.”
“Another house I have to clean, Richard?”
Richard laughed. “Ah ha, your sense of humor is back!”
“Why am I here in this bed?”
“Well, let’s see, you went a little crazy on me so I called Dr. Give-Me-A-Little-Something-So-I’m-Not-So-Crazy and we drove to the lake while you slept and now we’re here so you can become a little less crazy.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thank you, Richard, for explaining everything to me, that’s very kind of you. Come here, Sweet Ruby, I know you’ll be honest with me.”
Richard just smiled with concern. “Okay, LizAnne, just rest.”
“Richard, please tell me what’s going on…oh wait…Eddie.”
“Yeah, Ed, LizAnne, he’s waiting at your house for you and I told him to wait until his face turns blue. I talked to Larry and now there’s a restraining order against Ed coming anywhere near you.”
“Why? Richard, he’s my husband.”
“Oh my God, LizAnne! Richard paused and then spoke again with sarcasm. “Ok, LizAnne, there was that little incident of Ed throwing liquor bottles at you, and God knows what else went on between the two of you, not to mention the fact there is no love loss between the two of you.”
“How do you know all of this, Richard?” I asked sleepily.
Richard looked puzzled. “LizAnne, just rest, Jessica and Tia are on their way, bringing the leftovers.”
“How do you know all of this, Richard, tell me.”
“LizAnne, you told me about the…”
“Leftovers from what, Richard?”
“Oh, God, LizAnne, please just rest,” Richard said with desperation in his voice.
~~~~~~~~~~
“Hey, Jessica, hey Tia.” I tried to sound perky and patted the bed for the girls to sit with me. Richard stood in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest.
“LizAnne, how are you feeling, Dad said you went a little…I mean, Dad said you were exhausted and needed some rest.”
“I’m fine now, Jessica, thank you.”
“Yeah, Dad said something about your husband…”
“Tia!” Richard reprimanded.
“Oh, sorry, Dad.”
“It’s okay, Tia, Eddie and I will soon be history.”
Jessica lit up. “That’s great, LizAnne, then you and Dad can start dating!”
“Jessica!” Another reprimand from Dad.
“Sorry, Dad, just a little joke.” Richard looked a little uncomfortable but did manage a quiet laugh after tucking his head.
“As a matter of fact, Jessica, I’ve been waiting twenty-something years for your father to ask me out on a date.” I winked and smiled at Richard still standing in the doorway. He smiled, rolled his eyes, and shook his head in amusement.
“Wow, really, LizAnne?” Jessica and Tia smiled at each other.
“Yes, really.” I let out a breathy sign. “Unfortunately, Jessica and Tia, I’m a pest and your father doesn’t really like…”
Richard shot me a look. “Jessica, Tia, are those leftovers almost ready, I’m starving.”
“Dad, you interrupted LizAnne, she was saying something about being a pest…”
“It’s just a private joke between LizAnne and me,” Richard said in an authoritative manner.
“Did you hear that, Tia, Dad and LizAnne are sharing private little jokes.” The girls giggled and gave each other a ‘high five’.
“Jessica, Tia, the leftovers, please, before your old man passes out from hunger.” Richard turned and walked away from the bedroom doorway.
“On it, Dad!” The girls sang in unison.
~~~~~~~~~~
“Wait, Richard, don’t turn it off, I want to hear what he has to say.”
“No, LizAnne, that’s not a good idea.”
“Alright, I’ll just go to my bedroom and watch him on my own TV.”
“Alright, LizAnne!” Richard conceded.
“Good evening, my fellow good citizens of this state. As you know, I’m Ed Christie, your next governor of this great state! Yahoo! Now, some situations are difficult situations at best. However, often times a difficult situation can work to a person’s advantage. In this great state, our law makers take full responsibility for taking action when it comes to matters of a difficult situation. So, here’s to the good law makers of this great state! Yahoo! As you also know, difficult situations sometimes have few consequences. And those few consequences can lead to self-abomination of those most likely not to succeed. And often times, with success comes a myriad of unlikely hardships on those who can afford it the most. Yes, good citizens of this great state, this I vow! Yahoo! So, look out good citizens of this state, Ed Christie is back! And when Ed Christie becomes your next Governor, the first thing I’ll veto is any legislation regarding the outlawing or elimination of Korean names for hurricanes. Yahoo! Yahoo! I know, I know, good citizens, it’s been a long time coming.”
Richard rolled his eyes at the television. “What an idiot, LizAnne.”
“No, Richard, if anybody can do it, Eddie can.”
“Do what, LizAnne, what has he said?”
“Shush, Richard, and just listen.”
“Furthermore, I’d like to thank those of you who stood by me during my unfortunate captivity.”
“Captivity?” Richard laughed. “He was in jail, for God’s sake.”
“Shush, Richard.” I waved my hand at him.
“And, I’d especially like to thank my wife, LizAnne Christie, for standing by me, believing in my innocence, and always being there for me just as a good little woman should be. So, here’s to LizAnne Christie, the best little peach pie maker in this whole great state! Yahoo!”
~~~~~~~~~~
“More peach pie, Richa
rd?”
“Well, thank you, LizAnne, you’re such a good little woman,” Richard replied in a sarcastic tone.
“I thought that was very sweet of Eddie to thank me for standing by him and complimenting my peach pies.”
“LizAnne, he called you a good little woman who doesn’t know anything except how to make a peach pie.”
“Nevertheless, I appreciate the compliment and his acknowledgement of his wife standing by him, believing in his innocence. And, I think everything Eddie said made a lot of sense.”
Richard stood up from his chair and flung his hands into the air. “What? LizAnne, nothing he said made any sense.”