I could paint on make-up an inch thick now. I went crazy with Mum’s make-up. I started properly with foundation and then pencilled in my eyebrows and smeared smoky grey on my eyelids. I outlined them with black pen, making it thicker whenever I wobbled. I put on two thick coats of mascara so I saw black fringe curtains every time I looked up.
Then I applied rouge on both cheeks. I knew you were supposed to follow the lines on your cheekbones, but my cheeks were so podgy I couldn’t find my bones. At least I could see my lips. I attempted that special putting-on-lipstick smile but I got red all over my teeth, so I invented my own method, going slightly over the edge of my lips to make them look more voluptuous.
I hoped I looked much older. Twelve, fourteen, sixteen? I peeped in Mum’s wardrobe and put on her high heels. We took nearly the same size now. I stuffed the ends of the shoes with tissues. I stuck more tissues inside one of her bras so that I had an impressive bust when I pulled on my tightest T-shirt.
Jake and Kendall stared at me when I strutted into the living room.
‘My goodness, Lola Rose,’ said Jake.
‘She looks silly,’ said Kendall.
‘You are silly,’ I said. ‘I’m going out.’
‘Hang on,’ said Jake. ‘Are you allowed out by yourself?’
‘I’m not going to be by myself. I’m meeting someone. Like a date.’
‘Oh no you’re not,’ said Jake.
‘Oh yes I am,’ I said rushing to the front door.
Jake called to me to come back.
‘You can’t tell me what to do,’ I shouted. ‘You’re not my dad.’
I met Steve and Andy down the road, coming back from a shopping trip, laden with Marks and Sparks carrier bags. Well, Andy was laden, two bags in either hand. Steve was swanning along carrying a plant pot. He raised his eyebrows at me and walked on, jasmine trailing decoratively down his arms. Andy stopped and balanced his shopping bags on the pavement. He mimed great delight to see me, clutching his heart.
‘Why it’s Lola Rose, looking gorgeous!’
‘Hi, Andy,’ I said. I tried to make my voice sound husky and provocative but it just sounded like I had a cold.
‘Hi, Lola Rose,’ he said, his own voice as gruff as he could get. I laughed, even though he was taking the mickey.
I walked on down the road, though my ankles kept twisting in Mum’s high heels. I decided to go round to Harpreet’s house and show them off to her. I knocked at her door. I rang the bell too, in case they hadn’t heard.
‘Shh!’ said Harpreet, opening the door. ‘My dad’s having a nap.’ Then she looked at me properly. ‘Lola Rose!’
‘Can I come and play?’
‘Yeah. Well. For a bit. My mum’s cooking our dinner.’
The wonderful hot savoury smell of it made my mouth water. I hoped I might get invited to share it. Harpreet took me into their front room. Her little sister Amandeep was sitting cross-legged in a corner, muttering to her Barbie dolls. Her big brother Amrit was hunched over the computer. He nodded in my direction without taking his eyes off the screen.
‘Can I try your shoes on, Lola Rose?’ Harpreet begged.
‘Sure,’ I said, slipping them off.
Harpreet wobbled around, roaring with laughter every step.
‘Look, why don’t you kids play shoe shops in another room?’ said Amrit, sighing. Then he looked up and saw me. He stayed looking. He started telling me about the work he was doing on the computer. Then he went on about his football team at school. Then he started bragging about this band he and his mates had started up. He was the drummer. He didn’t have his own drum kit but he started beating out the rhythm on the wall.
‘Shut up, Amrit, you’ll wake Dad,’ said Harpreet.
‘Dad’s already awake,’ said Mr Gabrie, coming into the room in his socks. He yawned. His mouth stayed open when he saw me.
‘Good gracious, Lola Rose! No, it’s not Lola Rose at all, silly me, she’s just a little girl. You’re her big sister. Good afternoon, Miss Luck, I’m delighted to meet you.’
I knew he was just kidding around, but it was fun, and Harpreet and Amandeep giggled. Amrit looked irritated.
‘What’s all this noise? Have you naughty children woken your poor father?’ said Mrs Gabrie, putting her head round the door.
Her eyes rolled when she saw me. ‘Does your mother know you’re out like that, Lola Rose?’ she said.
‘This isn’t Lola Rose, this is Lola Rose’s beautiful big sister,’ said Harpreet’s dad. ‘May I offer you a sherry, Miss Luck? Would you care for a cigarette?’
‘Don’t encourage her,’ said Mrs Gabrie crossly. ‘You’d better go home and wash your face, Lola Rose. Take those shoes off at once, Harpreet, and give them back to Lola Rose. Hurry up now, dinner’s nearly ready.’
‘Can Lola Rose stay for dinner?’ Harpreet asked.
I looked at Mr Gabrie hopefully, but his eyes swivelled to his wife.
‘I’m sorry, dear,’ she said insincerely. ‘There isn’t enough for another person.’
‘Lola Rose can eat mine. I’ll be having a pizza with my mates later,’ said Amrit.
I smiled at him with my shiny red lips, but Mrs Gabrie wouldn’t relent.
‘Nonsense,’ she snapped. ‘Lola Rose is going home for her own dinner now.’ She looked at me beadily. ‘You’ve got lipstick on your front teeth!’
I wanted to bite her with my stained teeth. I shrugged instead, pretending it was a totally cool new fashion to have bright red teeth. I stalked out of their house. I tripped going down their front path. I hoped they weren’t watching.
My feet were hurting in Mum’s shoes. It felt like I was getting a blister. Several. I knew I should go home but I’d only been gone half an hour. I’d never be able to convince Jake I’d had a real date.
I couldn’t convince myself. I could call myself Lola Rose until the cows came home but I was still stuck being shy, soft old Jayni. I was never going to get pretty and sparky and sexy like Mum. I was going to get bigger and blobbier and end up like Auntie Barbara, just as Mum said. Poor elephantine Auntie Barbara who was so wibbly wobbly that no man would ever want her.
Maybe no man would ever want me. Amrit had acted like he was chatting me up, but maybe he was just having a laugh at me.
The gang of boys were hanging around outside the video shop again. Ross was there. Peter Piglet too. I knew I should run away quickly.
I didn’t run. I walked towards them.
They started making the kissing noises again but I smiled this time. I walked right up to them, wobbling on Mum’s high heels.
‘You look daft in them shoes,’ said Peter, his pink nostrils going in and out as he breathed heavily.
‘You are daft, in shoes or out of them,’ I said. I tried to sweep past him, but tripped.
‘Whoopsie,’ said Ross, and he clutched my arm to steady me.
He wasn’t quite so good looking when you got close to him. His eyes were a little too close and his lips were too thin. I wasn’t sure I wanted him hanging onto my arm. I tried to pull away.
‘It’s OK, I’m just helping you,’ he said. ‘It’s Lola Rose, isn’t it?
A tall boy in a torn T-shirt grinned. ‘Lola Rose sat on a pin. Lola rose!’
It wasn’t funny but they all fell about laughing. I knew they were laughing at me – but I grinned too.
‘So you’re in Pete’s class?’ said Ross. ‘You look older than him.’
‘I act older,’ I said, tossing my hair.
He still had his hand on my arm. He wasn’t gripping tight but his fingers felt weird on my skin. I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not. He was obviously the boss guy of the gang. He was the best looking. He was the one all the girls fancied.
He was peering at me, head on one side. ‘Where are you off to then, Lola Rose?’ he asked.
I liked the way he kept saying my name. I loved being reminded I was this new glamorous girl. She was so much more grown up than silly old Jayni.
&n
bsp; I smiled back at Ross. ‘Nowhere special,’ I said casually.
‘So hang out with us,’ said Ross.
‘OK,’ I said, as if I couldn’t really be bothered. I was fizzing inside. I wondered where we’d go. I hoped it might be McDonald’s. I was starving hungry.
Ross didn’t seem to be thinking about food. ‘We’ll go down the park,’ he said, still smiling.
All the boys sniggered.
I took no notice. Ross was still smiling straight at me. His eyes were very blue with black lashes, and he had lovely smooth, rosy skin. He was big too, with muscles like he worked out. He could get any girl he wanted. He seemed to want me!
Ross and his mates strode off towards this park. I trotted along behind them, finding it hard to keep up in Mum’s heels. Piglet Pete hung back, keeping pace with me.
I didn’t want to be stuck with him. I wanted it to be a fairy tale. I looked almost pretty now I was Lola Rose. Maybe Ross wanted me to be his girlfriend. ‘Push off, Pete,’ I said.
‘OK,’ he said, shrugging. He ran ahead and joined the others.
‘Hey, Lola Rose!’ Ross called, peering back at me. ‘Come on!’ He beckoned with his finger, making little kissing encouraging noises.
The boys all laughed. I didn’t like the way Ross was acting. He wasn’t treating me like I was a girl. He was calling to me like I was his little dog.
I still followed him.
It wasn’t a proper park, just a scrubby patch of grass and a tangle of bushes used as a rubbish dump. There was some woman walking her dogs way in the distance and an old man mumbling to himself, clutching a beer can. And all the boys, making stupid noises.
I wanted it to be just Ross and me in a beautiful big green park. We’d walk hand in hand and he’d be looking at me with those big blue eyes and whisper lovely things. But this was all so different. I was stuck by the bushes with all these boys and I didn’t like it.
‘It’s getting late. I have to go home now,’ I said.
‘No you don’t, Lola Rose. Come here!’
Ross bent his head and kissed me, right in front of the others. It wasn’t gentle and loving, like he cared. He was just showing off. I struggled to get free but he held me tight. I twisted my head away and started yelling.
‘Shut up, you idiot!’ said Ross.
I wouldn’t shut up. I shouted.
‘Let that girl go!’ someone called.
Ross hung onto me, but some of the others started running. A dog started barking furiously, getting nearer. Two dogs, leaping up at all of us, huge Alsatians.
Everyone was running now. I tried to run too, but I fell in my shoes. I huddled there on the grass, the dogs barking in my face, showing their sharp teeth. I started screaming.
‘It’s all right, Lola Rose! They won’t hurt you. They just like to make a lot of noise – like me!’
I peered up past the two dogs. Ms Balsam was standing over me!
‘Down, Bealey, down, Buss, down, girls! Stop barking, you’re giving us both a headache. Give your paws to Lola Rose and show her you want to be friends!’
The two dogs quietened. They sat up on their back legs and politely offered me their paws. I took each one gingerly, giving it a tiny shake.
‘There!’ said Ms Balsam. ‘See, I can control my dogs far better than I can control all you kids.’
‘Hello . . . Bealey?’ I said, patting the dog’s head.
‘This one’s Miss Beale and this one’s Miss Buss. They were amazing women who ran a school for girls in Victorian times. I called my dogs after them. I’ve had them since they were six weeks old. They’re getting on a bit now but they can still make an impressive amount of noise. They scared off all the boys satisfactorily, didn’t they? So what was going on, Lola Rose?’
‘Oh, nothing,’ I mumbled. I slipped Mum’s shoes on and struggled to stand up.
Mrs Balsam put her hands under my elbows and hauled me upright. ‘Are those your friends?’
‘Sort of.’
‘I know the big lad, Ross. I used to teach him. He was a real handful. Do you like him?’
‘No,’ I said, wiping my lips with the back of my hand.
‘Here.’ She fished in her pocket and found me a tissue. ‘You’re all smudged. Have a good wipe. Good god, you’ve got half of Boots’ make-up counter all over your face. Don’t you dare turn up at school like that. Or in those shoes. How do you walk in them?’
‘I can’t, not properly. They’re my mum’s.’
‘Doesn’t she mind you borrowing her shoes?’
‘Well, she doesn’t exactly know.’
‘Maybe you should scoot off home quick and put them back in her wardrobe. So, Mum’s out then?’
‘Yeah, she works at the Coach and Horses.’
‘So is there anyone at home to look after you and Kendall?’
‘Oh yes,’ I said quickly. ‘We’ve got Jake.’
‘He’s your babysitter?’
‘Well, he’s like Mum’s boyfriend.’
‘And you get on all right?’ she asked, as we walked towards the park gates, Miss Beale and Miss Buss bounding after us.
I shrugged. ‘He’s OK, I suppose.’
‘Did he say you could come out tonight?’
‘I told him I had like a date.’
‘With Ross?’
‘No! I just met up with him and those others. And he asked me to come down the park.’
‘Did you think that was a good idea?’ said Ms Balsam.
‘Yes. No. Well, I didn’t know they’d start messing about like that.’
‘A smart girl like you?’
‘Well, I suppose I went a little bit nuts because it was Ross. I mean, he’s so good looking and that. It made me feel really special, like I was somebody.’
Ms Balsam stopped walking. She put her hands gently on my shoulders. She looked straight into my eyes. ‘You are somebody, Lola Rose. You’re a very special, clever, creative girl, and very mature for your age too. I’m very impressed with the way you look after Kendall. He’s OK, is he?’
‘Yes, he likes being with Jake. They play computer games all the time.’
‘So do you feel a bit left out sometimes?’
‘No. Well. Sometimes, yeah.’
‘Lola Rose, I don’t want to pry. I know there’s probably a lot of stuff you don’t want to talk about. But if ever you feel like a little chat you know you can always come and find me at school.’
‘Yes, I know. Thank you, Ms Balsam.’
She gave me a lift home in her car, me in the front, Miss Beale and Miss Buss barking like mad in the back.
Ms Balsam nodded at me when I got out of the car. ‘See you in school tomorrow. I saw Peter’s in Ross’s little gang. Do you want me to have a stern word with him?’
‘Better not.’
‘If you’re really keen on getting a boyfriend wouldn’t Peter be a better bet than Ross?’
‘No fear!’
Ms Balsam chuckled. ‘Oh dear. But I take your point. Bye for now then, Lola Rose. I hope you won’t get into trouble for coming back late.’
‘I’ll be fine,’ I said.
Kendall was still up when I got back even though it was way past his bedtime. It was way past mine too.
‘Don’t you ever go off like that again,’ Jake said. ‘Kendall’s been crying for you.’
‘No I haven’t,’ said Kendall, hitting him on the head with George. ‘I don’t want stupid old Lola Rose. I can’t stick her.’
‘Is that true?’ I said. ‘Can’t we have a cuddle then?’
Kendall shook his head but I picked him up anyway. He feebly punched me to prove his point and then snuggled into me.
‘Bedtime,’ I said, nuzzling his soft, feathery hair.
‘I’m not a bit tired,’ Kendall said, yawning.
‘I am,’ said Jake. ‘I reckon I’ve read Thomas the Tank Engine at least two hundred times.’
I got Kendall into bed. He went to sleep in seconds. Then I sidled back to Jake. r />
‘Are you going to tell Mum I dressed up in her stuff and went out?’
‘I should do. But I’m not going to.’
‘Thanks!’
‘I’m just saving my own skin. She’d be mad at me for letting you. Lola Rose, have you really got a boyfriend?’
‘Well, I know these boys. But the one I liked didn’t turn out very nice so I probably won’t be seeing him again.’
‘Maybe that’s just as well.’
‘Maybe it is.’ I hesitated. ‘Jake, you know you did the flowers on my jeans? Could you do flowers on my denim jacket too, on the pockets, like? Maybe pink, to match the furry bit?’
‘Sure. If you’re a good girl.’
‘I will be now.’ I didn’t kiss him goodnight because I wasn’t a little kid like Kendall, but I waved my fingers at him and he waved both hands back to me.
‘Jake’s OK really,’ I whispered to Kendall when I cuddled up to him in bed.
‘I know that,’ Kendall mumbles. I thought he’d gone back to sleep but then he suddenly said, ‘Is he better than Dad?’
‘He’s better for us,’ I said.
Jake didn’t tell tales to Mum but she found out anyway. I’d got her top a little bit dirty and torn one of the little rubber tips off her high heels.
‘You’ve been wearing my clothes, you little whatsit!’ she said the next morning, slapping at me with the crumpled top.
She was in a very bad mood. I’d heard her arguing with Jake in the middle of the night. I got scared though there wasn’t a real fight.
‘I just felt like playing at dressing up,’ I said quickly.
‘You went out all dressed up too, didn’t you? Don’t lie to me, Lola Rose. There’s mud all over my best shoes, you stupid little cow. How dare you sneak off like that? What were you up to? You might be able to wind Jake round your little finger but it won’t wash with me. I’m not having you going out by yourself like that. Or were you by yourself? You weren’t going with boys, were you?’
‘I went for a walk in the park with Ms Balsam,’ I said.
Jake stared at me but didn’t say a word. Mum said plenty.
‘What was she asking you, eh? I bet she wondered what you were doing, out by yourself, teetering about like a little trollop in my high heels. Oh God, Lola Rose, you’ve dropped me in it now.’