‘That’s what Jake says. But he says Mum should still go and get the lump taken out.’
‘Well, obviously.’
‘What do you think will happen if she doesn’t? Will the lump get bigger and bigger and bigger?’ I saw an awful image of Mum with one breast blowing up like a balloon, all warty and revolting.
‘Maybe,’ said Harpreet. ‘Don’t look so scared though. Your mum will be all right, honest.’
‘Do you promise?’ I said foolishly, as if Harpreet was a medical expert and a fortune teller.
‘I promise promise promise,’ said Harpreet firmly.
Mum was out when Kendall and I got back from school.
‘Has she gone to the hospital?’ I asked Jake.
‘You know she won’t go near the place. She’s mad if you ask me,’ said Jake. He had Mum’s make-up mirror propped up in front of him, so he could draw himself. He stopped, looked at the piece of paper, sighed and crumpled it up. He started on a fresh page, screwing up his eyes to look at himself.
‘Let’s play on the computer, Jake,’ said Kendall, tugging at his arm.
‘Leave off, mate. No, the computer’s stuffed. You’ve been mucking about on it, haven’t you?’
‘No!’ said Kendall. ‘Well. Not much. You can fix it, Jake. You always fix it.’
‘I can’t fix it this time,’ said Jake. ‘Will you leave off, Kendall, you’re jogging me.’
Kendall’s face crumpled.
‘Come on, Kendall, I’ll see if I can get the computer working,’ I said, switching it on, though I knew zilch about boring old computers.
‘It’s stuffed, I tell you,’ said Jake, switching it off again.
‘Well, couldn’t you just play with Kendall for two minutes? Look, he’s crying.’
‘He’s always bawling,’ said Jake. ‘I’ve never known such a crybaby. I’ve got this portrait assignment, OK? I’m late handing it in as it is. Very very late. You do realize I’ve hardly set foot in college since I met your mum?’ He said it as if we’d sellotaped him to the chair.
‘You could do Kendall’s portrait, couldn’t you? Or mine? Look!’ I copied one of Mum’s favourite poses, head tilted up, mouth slightly open, chest thrust forward, hand on hip, one knee slightly bent.
‘For God’s sake,’ said Jake cruelly.
I rushed off to the bathroom, not wanting Jake to call me a crybaby too. ‘I hate him,’ I muttered, hugging myself.
I wanted my mum.
She didn’t come back for tea. Jake didn’t seem to care too much. They’d obviously had another row. He went on moodily sketching until way past tea time. I made baked beans on toast for Kendall and me. I didn’t make Jake anything to show I was mad at him.
‘Mum will be late for her evening shift down the pub,’ I said.
‘That’s her look-out,’ said Jake. ‘As if I care.’
‘Why are you being so horrible?’
‘Look, it’s not me. I’m not the one that’s changed. This is all getting so heavy.’
‘Mum can’t help having this lump.’
‘Yeah, but she won’t deal with it like any normal woman. She has to make all this into such a drama. It’s probably nothing. Women have lumps all the time, it doesn’t mean it’s – it’s—’
‘Cancer,’ I said.
‘What’s cancer?’ said Kendall.
‘It’s an illness,’ said Jake.
Kendall paused, pushing baked beans from one side of his plate to the other. ‘Is Mum really sick?’
‘Sick in the head, more like,’ said Jake.
‘She’s sick in the head putting up with you,’ I said. I golloped my baked beans and ate Kendall’s leftovers too. I still felt empty so I ran my finger round the baked bean tin to lick up the juice.
‘Don’t do that, you’ll cut yourself,’ said Jake.
I took no notice – and then caught my finger on the jagged edge of the tin. ‘Ouch!’
‘You idiot,’ said Jake. ‘I told you.’
He held my throbbing finger under the cold tap and then wrapped it up in one of Mum’s scarves because we didn’t have a bandage or a hankie.
‘Mum will create if I get blood on it,’ I said.
‘Tough,’ said Jake. ‘She should be here to look after you.’
‘Don’t you love her any more, Jake?’
He tied the scarf in a neat bow, frowning. ‘Look, I never said I loved your mum. I mean, it’s been great – she can be so cute and silly and funny when she’s not in one of her moods. But this was never like a for ever thing.’
I pulled away from him so abruptly that the scarf unravelled. ‘Mum thinks it’s for ever.’
‘You could have fooled me. You should have heard the things she said to me this afternoon,’ said Jake sulkily. ‘Watch out, you’ll make your finger bleed again. Give it here.’
‘I’ll do it,’ I said, fiddling with the end of the scarf. ‘I knew you two had had a row.’
‘Your mum’s certainly got a big mouth on her,’ said Jake. ‘Was she that lippy with your dad, eh?’
I stood still. I pressed my lips together.
‘What is it with your dad?’ said Jake. ‘Your mum gets that exact expression if I ever mention him.’
‘Yeah. Well. We don’t talk about him.’
‘You kids don’t get to see him ever?’ Jake looked over at Kendall, who was sitting in the corner, muttering to George. ‘Kendall misses him a lot, you know. I guess that’s why he’s all over me.’
‘He likes you. He thought you were for ever too. Like a new dad.’
‘You must be joking! I’m not old enough to be a dad. I’m only twenty, for God’s sake.’
‘My mum had me when she was seventeen. Jake, where is she? Do you think she’s gone straight to the pub to do her shift?’
‘I tell you, I don’t know. She just went storming out. She’s lucky I didn’t do the same. What would you kids have done then, eh?’
‘We’d be fine. Mum knows I can look after Kendall.’
‘I suppose you can. Better than your mum!’
I couldn’t help being pleased he said that, even though it was mean to Mum. I didn’t know what to do about her. I knew she’d probably be all right. She’d run off before, several times, sometimes when we were living back with Dad, sometimes since. She was often away for ages but she always came back.
I knew that. But I still worried. Maybe she’d gone storming off in such a rage she hadn’t looked when she crossed the road. Maybe she’d seen a car coming and she was in such a state she’d darted across anyway. Maybe she was so scared about the lump and losing her looks she wanted to get knocked over . . .
I put on my denim jacket.
‘What are you up to, Lola Rose?’ said Jake, as I walked towards the door.
‘I’m going out.’
‘Oh no, you’re not playing that trick on me again.’
‘I’m going looking for Mum.’
‘No you’re not. You’re staying right here. Don’t even try arguing with me this time.’
‘You can’t stop me,’ I said.
Maybe he could. He wasn’t scary like my dad but he was quite strong. I’d seen him lift Mum up in his arms as easily as I lifted Kendall. I didn’t feel like lucky Lola Rose who might sweet-talk her way round him. I felt like stupid, sad Jayni. So I took my denim jacket off again and played with Kendall for a bit and then put him to bed.
I cuddled up beside him. My hand was sore so I stuck it into my armpit. It was very painful just getting a tiny cut. I wondered what it would feel like to have a large lump of breast sliced off your body.
I hugged Kendall tight, his feathery hair tickling my chin. I breathed in his sweet, warm smell. He moaned in his sleep and fought himself free, stretching out in a windmill shape so I couldn’t cuddle him. It felt as if he was abandoning me.
I must have gone to sleep at some time – and then woke with a start when the door banged. I heard voices, Mum laughing, sounding funny. Jake said something. Then so
meone else spoke. Another man.
Kendall sat bolt upright. ‘Is it Dad?’ he asked.
I crept to the door, Kendall following. I listened, the blood drumming in my head. The man spoke again. He sounded uneasy and embarrassed.
It wasn’t Dad.
Mum laughed again but she sounded as if she might also be crying. I went rushing through to the living room. She was staggering in those high heels, her arm draped round the neck of a strange fat man, his shirt tight over his big belly. He had dark sweat circles under his arms. It was obviously a strain keeping Mum upright. Jake was staring at them, his eyes screwed up. He looked as if he was watching an awful television soap and couldn’t wait to change channels.
‘Mum?’
‘Ah! My little L-L-Lola Rose!’ Mum said. She spoke as if she had a mouthful of sweets. I knew that voice. She was very drunk.
‘Go to bed, Kendall,’ I said. ‘I’ll put you to bed too, Mum.’
I tried to unhook her from the fat man.
‘I don’t want to go to bed. I want to party,’ said Mum, clinging to the man. ‘L-L-Lola whatwasit? – ah yes, Rose. My Rosy Posy. I want you to meet my boss Barry.’
Barry bobbed his head. ‘I’m not actually. Not any more,’ he said, reaching round to unwind Mum’s arm himself.
‘You’re not Barry?’ said Mum, trying to focus on him. ‘Well, blow me, you look like Barry, and you sound like Barry too.’
‘Yeah, I’m Barry all right, but I’m not your boss, not any more, Vic.’
‘Victoria!’
‘Whatever. I’ve given you fair warning, darling. No more drinking on the job.’
‘But you and me are mates, Barry,’ said Mum, pursing her lips and pecking her head forward, trying to kiss him. ‘I’m your little lark, remember?’
Jake grunted in disgust and turned his back on them.
‘You’re my little liability,’ said Barry.
He pulled himself free so violently that I wasn’t ready and nearly dropped Mum.
‘Whoops!’ said Mum, staggering.
I staggered too, trying to support her.
‘Shall we dance?’ Mum said.
Kendall came rushing over in his T-shirt and pants. ‘I’ll dance, Mum,’ he said, hanging onto her legs.
‘Yes, let’s all dance,’ said Mum, patting him fondly on the head. ‘My little boy, my big girl – my lovely lovely kids.’ She stopped swaying and looked straight at Barry. Maybe she wasn’t quite as drunk as she was pretending to be. ‘I’ve got to work to feed my kids, Barry, you know that. So I’ll be in to work tomorrow usual time, right? Stone cold sober, I promise.’
‘You can be sober or you can be roaring drunk. It’s all the same to me,’ said Barry. ‘You’re not working for me any more. You’re Trouble with a capital T.’
Mum came out with a mouthful of abuse. Kendall giggled nervously at the rude words.
‘That’s nice, isn’t it?’ said Barry. ‘Swearing like that in front of your precious kids. And after I took the trouble – and the flak from my old lady – to drive you home. You make me sick, Victoria Luck.’
‘You make me sick,’ Mum shouted as he slammed the door. She kept yelling it, over and over.
It was the wrong thing to say in the circumstances. I got her to the bathroom in time and held her forehead. She knelt over the toilet and was sick again and again.
‘It’s OK, Mum,’ I whispered as she moaned. ‘It’s OK, Mum, I’m here.’
But she kept looking round, tears dribbling down her cheeks, mouth puckered.
She was looking for Jake. But he wouldn’t go near her, not even when she kept calling his name.
Jake left the next morning. He could see it was a good time because Mum could barely move. She groaned when she sat up in bed and she still couldn’t even drink a glass of water without being sick. She watched Jake packing up his paints and drawing pads and jeans and cassettes. He was wearing all the extra presents she’d bought him – hand-tooled cowboy boots, the thick silver bracelet, a denim jacket.
He glanced at the computer.
‘Yeah, walk off with that too, why don’t you,’ Mum whispered, watching him. Her eyes were sad slits.
‘No, no, it’s for the kids,’ said Jake. Maybe he remembered it was broken.
‘Mr Big Heart,’ Mum murmured.
‘Look, don’t be like that, Vic—’
‘Like what? My guy clears off because I’ve got cancer and I’m supposed to be what? Happy?’
‘You don’t know you’ve got cancer. I bet you anything you like you haven’t. And I’m not clearing off because of that.’
‘It’s because the money’s run out,’ I said.
I got into bed beside Mum. She winced as I made the bed move. I edged further in very slowly and put my arm round her. She smelt bad but I knew she still needed holding.
‘You’ve got it in one, Lola Rose,’ she said.
‘That’s rubbish. I’m not like that. Look, this was never meant to be permanent. We just had fun together, that’s all. I couldn’t have stayed once term is over anyway – you know I’m going travelling.’
‘Well, get on your travels now,’ said Mum. ‘Get lost.’
She wouldn’t kiss him goodbye. Maybe it was because she hadn’t had a chance to brush her teeth. I wouldn’t kiss him either. I ducked my head when he tried. But Kendall came running. He threw himself at Jake and hugged him hard, clinging to him like a little monkey.
‘Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go,’ he begged.
‘I’ve got to go just now, Kendall. But I’ll come back and see you, little mate, OK?’
I had to drag Kendall off him. I got kicked and punched for my pains. I had to fight back a bit because he was really hurting. Mum dragged herself out of bed to help. Then we heard the front door bang. We stopped and stood like statues, all hanging onto each other.
‘He’s gone,’ said Mum. She ripped the moonstone necklace off and threw it on the floor.
‘He’s coming back, he said,’ Kendall sobbed.
‘No he’s not,’ I said. ‘We don’t want him back. Good riddance.’
‘Then . . . will Dad come back?’ said Kendall.
‘No! We don’t want any men – not Dad, not Jake, not that big fat Barry, no one.’
‘That’s right,’ said Mum. ‘To hell with the lot of them.’ She leant against the wall, groaning.
‘Mum? Are you all right? Is it the lump?’ I asked, panicking.
‘My head’s hurting, that’s all,’ said Mum. ‘Will you just forget my bloody lump.’
She went back to bed and pulled the covers right up over her head. I knew she was just wanting to hide but it looked awful, as if she were in a shroud. I screwed up my face and hit my forehead to stop myself thinking it.
‘Lola Rose?’ said Kendall.
‘It’s OK. I’ve got a headache too. No wonder – all that yelling, you little monster!’
Kendall pulled a goofy monster face, curling his fingers into claws. He didn’t really want to play. I saw him glancing fearfully at Mum. But he roared and ran round the room while I played the monster catcher with my big net.
‘For God’s sake, clear off to school, you kids,’ Mum moaned.
I didn’t want to leave her on her own. ‘I’ll stay and look after you, Mum. I’ll take Kendall to school but then I’ll nip back. I can make you black coffee and fix you some soup for lunch.’
‘I’m not ill, I’ve just got a hangover. All I want to do is sleep. You go to school, do you hear. I don’t want old Bossy Boots Balsam ringing me up and giving me grief.’
So I went to school, though I couldn’t get my head round any of the lessons. Kendall was in a state too. I shouldn’t have started him off on the stupid little monster game. He wouldn’t stop roaring in the classroom. They had to call for me to calm him down.
‘Has anything happened to upset him at home?’ Kendall’s teacher asked.
‘No, miss,’ I said quickly.
‘He was really starting to
settle down, making a few friends – but now we seem back to square one. Maybe I should talk with your mum, Lola Rose.’
‘Well . . .’
‘Or Dad? Kendall seems so very fond of him.’
‘He talks about our dad?’
‘Well, your step-dad.’
‘We haven’t got a step-dad,’ I said firmly.
When I got Kendall on his own I gave him a good shake that set him off howling. ‘It’s your own fault! Just keep your mouth shut at school, right?’
Kendall whined all the way home. I wished I could run right away from him. And Harpreet. She was going on and on about her mum and how she’d thrown a fit because she’d caught her putting make-up on.
‘Not even proper make-up, just that glitter stuff, you know. But my mum goes bananas, right, acts like I’m this total slag. She goes on about her daughters bringing disgrace on the family. You are just so lucky, Lola Rose. Your mum doesn’t care.’
‘My mum does care,’ I said stiffly.
‘Yeah, but she lets you do what you want. Don’t go all snotty on me! What’s the matter?’ Harpreet nudged nearer, lowering her voice. ‘Is she worse, your mum? Is she getting really sick?’
‘No!’
‘Yes,’ said Kendall, snuffling. ‘She was ever so sick, I saw.’
‘That was because she was drunk, stupid.’
‘Your mum was drunk?’ said Harpreet, rolling her eyes like her mother.
‘Not really drunk drunk,’ I said quickly. ‘She’s had a hard time. You don’t understand, Harpreet. And neither do you, Kendall, so you just shut up.’ I gave him another shake. ‘Telling people Jake’s our step-dad!’
‘He is! What is he, then?’
‘He’s nothing. He’s gone now anyway.’
‘He’s gone! You mean he’s left your mum?’ said Harpreet.
Her eyes looked like they were going to pop right out of their sockets. I hated the way she was hanging on my every word. It was like she couldn’t wait to hear more scandal. I wasn’t sure I wanted her for my friend after all.
‘My mum chucked him out. And good riddance,’ I said, slapping my hands together.
‘My mum said it could never last,’ said Harpreet.
‘I wish you and your mum would keep your noses out of our business,’ I said.