"Hold on," my father instructed. "I'll help you as soon as I get mine in."
The fish was a perch, tiger-striped, with tiny jagged edges along its fins. Its eyes were glassy and wild, like those of the porcelain doll that used to belong to my mom's grandma and that she said was too old and special to do anything but sit on a shelf. I tried twice to grab the perch, but it slithered and flapped out of my grasp.
But my father had told me to hold on, and so, even though I was afraid those spikes on its fins would poke into me, even though the fish smelled like the inside of a rubber boot and slapped me with its tail, I did.
My fist closed around the fish, which was no bigger than six inches long, but which seemed huge. My fingers didn't fit all the way around its belly, and it was still struggling against me and trying to dislodge the hook in its mouth, which broke through the silvery skin of its throat and made me feel sick to my stomach. I squeezed a little harder, to make sure it wouldn't get away.
But I guess I squeezed a little too hard.
The eyes of the perch bulged, and its entrails squirted from its bottom. Horrified, I dropped my fishing rod and stared at my hand, covered with fish guts, and at the dead perch still hooked to the line.
I couldn't help it; I burst into tears.
I was crying for the fish and the worm, which had both died for no good reason. I was crying because I had screwed up. I was crying because I thought this meant my father wouldn't want to fish with me again.
My father looked at me, and at the remains of the perch. "What did you do?" he said, and in that single moment of distraction, his own line snapped. Whatever huge fish he'd been reeling in was gone.
"I killed it," I sobbed.
"Well," he pointed out. "You were going to kill it anyway."
This did not make me feel any better. I cried harder, and my father looked around, uncomfortable.
He was not the parent who held me when I was sick, or who calmed me down when I had a nightmare--that was my mother. My father was as out of his element with a terrified kid as I was with a fishing pole.
"Don't cry," he said, but I had crossed the line of panic that small children sometimes do, where my skin was hot and my breath came in gasps, a punctuation of hysteria. My nose was running, and that made me think of the slime of the fish between my fingers, and that made me cry even harder.
He should have hugged me. He should have said that it didn't matter and that we could try again.
Instead, he blurted out, "Did you hear the joke about the roof? No? Well, it's probably over your head anyway."
I don't know what made him tell a joke. A bad joke. But it was so awkward, so different from what I needed at that moment, that it shocked me into silence. I hiccuped, and stared up at him through spiked lashes.
"Why do doctors use red pens?" he said, the words fast and desperate. "In case they need to draw blood."
I wiped my nose on my sleeve, and he took off his shirt and used it to gently wipe my face and settle me on his lap. "Guy walks into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder," my father said. "The bartender says, 'What's his name?' And the guy says, 'Tiny. Because he's my newt.'"
I didn't understand any of the jokes; I was too young. And I'd never really thought of my father as a closet comedian. But his arms were around me, and this time there was no casting lesson involved.
"It was an accident," I told him, and my eyes filled up again.
My father reached for the knife he carried in his pocket and snipped the line, kicked the remains of the fish into the water, where I wouldn't have to see it anymore. "You know what the dad buffalo said to his kid when he went to work in the morning? 'Bye, son.'" He wiped his hands on his jeans. "Rule number three of fishing: what happens at the pond stays at the pond."
"I don't know any jokes," I said.
"My grandfather used to tell them to me when I got scared."
I could not imagine my father, who thought nothing of wrestling with a wolf, being scared.
He helped me to my feet and picked up my rod and his. The wisps of loose fishing line flew through the air like the silk from a spider.
"Did your dad tell you jokes, too?" I asked.
My father took a step away from me then, but it felt like a mile. "I never knew my dad," he said, turning away from me.
It was, I realized, the one thing we had in common.
I'm sitting in the dark in my father's room, the green glow from the monitors behind him casting shadows on the bed. My elbows rest on my knees, my chin is cupped in my hands. "How do you know Jesus likes Japanese food?" I murmur.
No reply.
"Because he loves miso."
I rub my eyes, which are burning. Dry. Tearless.
"Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?" I say. "He's always afraid he's following someone."
Once, bad jokes had distracted my father enough to stop being scared. It isn't working for me, though.
There is a soft knock on the open door. A woman steps inside. "Edward?" she says. "I'm Corinne D'Agostino. I'm a donation coordinator with the New England Organ Bank."
She's wearing a green sweater with leaves embroidered on it, and her brown hair is in a pixie cut. She reminds me of Peter Pan, which is ironic. There's no Neverland here, no everlasting youth.
"I'm so sorry about your father."
I nod. I know that's what she's expecting.
"Tell me a little bit about him. What did he like to do?"
Now that I'm not expecting. I'm hardly the most qualified person to answer that question. "He was outside all the time," I say finally. "He studied wolf behavior by living with packs."
"That's pretty amazing," Corinne says. "How did he get involved in that?"
Did I ever ask him? Probably not. "He thought wolves got a bad rap," I reply, remembering some of the talks my father used to give to the tourists who swarmed Redmond's in the summertime. "He wanted to set the record straight."
Corinne pulls up a chair. "It sounds like he cared a lot about animals. Often, folks like that want to help other people, too."
I rub my hands over my face, suddenly exhausted. I don't want to beat around the bush anymore. I just want this to be over. "Look, his license said he wanted to be an organ donor. That's why I asked to speak to you."
She nods, taking my lead and dropping the small talk. "I've talked to Dr. Saint-Clare and we've reviewed your father's chart. I understand that his injuries were so severe that he's never going to enjoy the quality of life he used to have. But none of those injuries have damaged his internal organs. A donation after cardiac death is a real gift to others who are suffering."
"Is it going to hurt him?"
"No," Corinne promises. "He's still a patient, and his comfort is the most important concern for us. You can be with him when the life-sustaining treatment is stopped."
"How does it work?"
"Well, donation after cardiac death is different from organ donation after brain death. We'd begin by reviewing both the decision you made with the medical team to withdraw treatment and your father's status as a registered donor. Then, we'd work with the transplant surgeons to arrange a time when the termination of life support and the organ donation could be done." She leans forward, her hands clasped between her legs, never breaking my gaze. "The family can be present. You'd be right here, along with your father's neurosurgeon and the ICU doctors and nurses. He'd be given intravenous morphine. There would be an arterial line monitoring arterial pressure, and one of the nurses or doctors will stop the ventilator that's helping him breathe. Without oxygen, his heart will stop beating. As soon as he is asystolic, which means his heart has stopped, you'll have a chance to say good-bye, and then we take him to the operating room. Five minutes after his heart stops, he'll be pronounced dead, and the organ recovery will begin with a new team of doctors, the transplant team. Typically in donations after cardiac death, the kidneys and liver are recovered, but every now and then hearts and lungs are donated, too."
It
seems almost cruel to be discussing this, literally, over my father's unconscious body. I look at his face, at the stitches still raw on his temple. "What happens after that?"
"After the organ recovery, he's brought to the holding area of the hospital. They'll contact whatever funeral home you've made arrangements with," Corinne explains. "You'll also receive an outcome letter from us, telling you about the people who received your father's organs. We don't share their names, but it often helps the family left behind see whose lives have been changed by the donor's gift."
If I looked into the eyes of a man who had received my father's corneas, would I still feel like I didn't measure up?
"There's one thing you need to know, Edward," she adds. "DCD isn't a sure thing, like donation after brain death. Twenty-five percent of the time, patients wind up not being candidates."
"Why not?"
"Because there's a chance that your father will not become asystolic in the window of opportunity necessary to recover the organs. Sometimes after the ventilator is turned off, a patient continues to breathe erratically. It's called agonal breathing, and during that time, his heart will continue beating. If that goes on for more than an hour, the DCD would be canceled because the organs wouldn't be viable."
"What would happen to my father?"
"He would die," she says simply, honestly. "It might take two to three more hours. During that time he'd be kept comfortable, right here in his own bed." Corinne hesitates. "Even if the DCD isn't successful, it's still a wonderful gift. You'd be honoring your father's wishes, and nothing can take away from that."
I touch my father's hand where it lies on top of the covers. It's like a mannequin's hand, waxy and cool.
If I fulfill my father's last wish, does that wipe clean the karmic slate? Am I forgiven for hating him every time he missed a meal with us, for breaking up my parents' marriage, for ruining Cara's life, for running away?
Corinne stands. "I'm sure you need some time to think about this," she says. "To discuss it with your sister."
My sister has trusted me with this decision, because she's too close to make it.
"My sister and I have talked," I say. "She's a minor. It's ultimately my decision."
She nods. "If you don't have any more questions, then--"
"I do," I say. "I have one more question." I look up at her, a silhouette in the dark. "How soon can you do it?"
That night, I tell my mother that Cara and I have talked, that she doesn't want to deal with this nightmare anymore, and I don't want her to have to. I tell my mother that I've made the decision to let Dad die.
I just don't tell her when. I am sure she's thinking that the termination of life support will be a few days from now, that she will have time to help Cara process all those emotions, but really, that's completely pointless. If I'm doing this to protect Cara, then it should happen fast, before it hurts more than it has to. It's not enough that I'm making the decision; it has to be carried out as well, so that there's no more second-guessing and she can't tear herself up inside.
My mother holds me when I cry on her shoulder, and she cries a little, too. She may have split with my father, but that doesn't mean she didn't love him once. I know she's lost in her thoughts about her life with him, which is probably what keeps her from asking too many questions I cannot answer truthfully. By the time she remembers to ask them, everything will already be done.
After she goes to keep vigil in Cara's room again, I sign the paperwork and call a funeral home on the list Corinne has given me, and then I leave the hospital. Instead of going to my father's house, though, I drive to the highway that runs past Redmond's and park along the shoulder near the reservoir where we once went fishing.
It takes some bushwhacking to find the overgrown trail that my father led me down years ago, the one that heads back toward the wolf enclosures. In the dark, I curse myself for not bringing a flashlight, for having to navigate by the glow of the moon. The snow in these woods is up to my knees; it's not long before I am soaked and shivering.
I see a light on in the trailer at the top of the hill. Walter's still awake. I could knock on his door, tell him about this decision I've made on my father's behalf. Maybe he'd break out a bottle and we'd toast the life of the man who was the link between us.
Then again, Walter probably doesn't have a bottle there. My father always said a wolf's sense of smell is so advanced it doesn't just notice shampoos and soaps--it can scent what you've digested and when and how, days after you indulged. It can smell fear, excitement, contentment. A wolf pup is born deaf and blind, with only its sense of smell to recognize its mother, and the other members of its pack.
I wonder if the wolves know I am here, just because I am my father's son.
Suddenly I hear one mournful note, which breaks and falls a few steps into another. There is a beat of silence. The same note sounds again, as clear as a bow drawn across a violin. It makes something inside me sing like a tuning fork.
At first I think the wolves are calling an alarm, because they can smell an intruder, even from this distance.
Then I realize it is an elegy.
A requiem.
A song for a pack member who isn't coming back.
For the first time since I received that phone call in Thailand, for the first time since I've been home, for the first time in a long time, I start to cry.
It is a funeral. We just don't have the body, yet.
I stand awkwardly next to my father's bed. It is 9:00 A.M. on the dot. The transplant team is ready in the OR. Corinne is here, and two ICU nurses, and Trina. There's a woman in a suit--I've been told she's from the legal department. I guess the hospital needs to have all its i's dotted and t's crossed before they turn off life support.
Trina steps beside me. "Are you all right?" she asks softly. "Can I get you a chair?"
"I'd rather stand," I say.
In five minutes, my father will be pronounced dead. And somebody else will get a new lease on life.
Dr. Saint-Clare slips into the room, followed by Dr. Zhao, the ICU physician. "Where's Mr. Warren's daughter?" Dr. Zhao asks.
All eyes turn to me. "Cara told me to take care of everything," I reply.
Dr. Zhao frowns. "As of yesterday she wasn't too keen on the idea to discontinue her father's life support."
"Edward assured me that she'd given her consent before he signed the paperwork," Dr. Saint-Clare says.
Don't they understand that this is what my father would have wanted? Not just for him to be released from this vegetative hell but for me to protect Cara. I'm saving her from having to make a decision that will break her heart. And I'm saving her from wasting her life as the caretaker of an invalid.
"That's all very well and good," the lawyer says, stepping forward, "but I need to hear it from Cara herself."
LUKE
Two days after the pack howled in reply to me, I was sitting beneath a tree untangling a trap when the big male wolf stepped out of nowhere and ran toward me at full tilt. The other four wolves appeared like ghosts between the trees, coming to stand like sentries in a line. I was defenseless, sitting down like this. I was certain this was the moment I'd die. I could roll onto my back and offer my throat, but I didn't know if I had the time to ask the animal for trust before his jaws sank into my flesh.
At the last moment he stopped dead in front of me. He craned his neck, as if he wanted to smell me but didn't want to get any closer. Then, without warning, he nipped at my knee in exactly the same spot I'd been nipped years ago by Arlo at the zoo. Abruptly he turned and walked back to the rest of his pack, which started licking him like mad around the mouth.
The next day, the big male returned, this time with two pups, a male and a female. They flanked him, watching carefully. The big wolf sniffed my boots, and then circled me, as if he was trying to suss out if there was anything new about me that might be a threat. The youngsters came closer to investigate, and the big wolf snapped at their muzzles. Three times he nipp
ed at me, pinching the flesh under my knees, leaning into my shoulder. After each bite he looked at me, inscrutable. He rubbed his body against me, like a cat on a scratching pole.
Then he moved behind me, leaving the pups in front. I started to sweat--it just didn't feel comfortable having a wild animal somewhere I couldn't see him--and in that instant the wolf's jaws closed around my neck from behind. I could feel his long teeth scraping against my jugular.
The female pup darted forward and took a sizable nip at my knee at that moment, just as the big male let go of my neck. When he sauntered back to the two remaining wolves that were waiting at the edge of the clearing, the pups in tow, I did something I still cannot believe I had the nerve to do.
I followed.
I was on my hands and knees, stumbling, awkward. Twice, the big male looked over his shoulder and clearly saw me behind him. I figured he could very easily teach me a lesson if he thought that was a bad idea, but instead, he just kept going. I had never been this close to the wild pack before; I could smell the mud caked into their paws and the wet musk of their coats.
Of the two wolves that had stayed back from me, one was the alpha female. She was smaller, with black lines marking her back and tail and the top of her head, thick as if she'd been striped with paint. Staring at me, she bared her teeth, curled her tongue.
I was about twenty-five yards away when she started growling.
Immediately, the pups ran to her side and glowered at me. The big male stepped between us, but she snapped at him and he fell into line, too. The alpha female flattened her ears and barked, low and threatening. Then she turned and took the others back through the tree line.
The big male hesitated, capturing my gaze.
A lot has been said about the stare of a gray wolf. It's level, measured, eerily human. A wolf is born with blue eyes, but after six or eight weeks, they turn golden. And if you've ever been lucky enough to look into a wolf's eyes, you know that they penetrate. They look at you, and you realize they are taking a snapshot of every fiber of your being. That they know you better even than you know yourself.
The wolf and I sized each other up. Then he dipped his head, turned, and loped into the woods.
I didn't see the pack for another six weeks. From time to time I heard them calling, but it wasn't a rallying call to replace a missing member anymore--just a locating call to make sure they kept other packs and animals at bay. My invitation had been revoked. I had replayed in my mind what had happened between us, whether that last look from the big male had been his way of communicating to me that I had been given a chance, and clearly had not measured up. But the fact that he hadn't chosen to rip out my throat made me believe this couldn't be the case. That even if the alpha female wasn't very fond of me, more than half her pack was.