“If someone ever did something like that to Lucy,” Park says, his voice dark, breaking into my thoughts, “I’d fucking kill them.”
I swallow forcefully. I nearly did. I would have if Annie hadn’t stopped me. And I’d still be sitting in that cell, next to Keith, waiting to stand trial for murder.
“I don’t give a shit what anybody tells you,” he continues. “You did the right thing.”
Did I?
I’m not sure.
I’d do it again, but was it right?
I don’t think so.
I would do it again, but I’d handle it differently.
After I got Loden off her, I should have picked Annie up and gotten her somewhere safe. Called the cops.
I put my rage in front of her. That was wrong. I wasn’t thinking clearly. Once I saw what he did to her, I just wanted to kill him, and I didn’t think past that.
No. What I did wasn’t the right thing.
I fucked up.
And now I may have lost Annie over it. I huff out a dry laugh. Loden may have gotten his way after all.
~*~
I don’t know whether to call Annie or not. If she doesn’t want anything to do with me then I’ll accept it. I’ll understand. I’ll just have to deal with it. But I’m not ready to know yet. The longer I put it off, the longer I can hold onto my hope.
But it’s crushing me.
After staring at my phone for close to an hour, I decide to take the coward’s way, and text Guy.
Me: How is she?
Guy: She’s ok. As ok as can be expected. We’re home. Jenny wants her close for a few days. Where are you?
Me: I’m home. They dropped the charges.
Guy: Rumor has it Loden’s parents went ape shit crazy over this. Dad said they were trying to get all the charges dropped. Yours and Loden’s.
Me: WTF
Guy: I know. Dad’s not sure of details, but they’re trying to make a deal. They want this cleaned up quick.
Me: He better not get off.
Guy: I don’t see that happening. Too much evidence against him.
Me: How’d he get in?
Guy: Cops think someone left the door open.
I close my eyes, sighing. It wouldn’t be the first time.
Guy: Glad you’re out of the pen.
Me: Ha. Me too.
Guy: Thanks for being there. For everything. I know she’s a handful, but she’s kind of grown on me.
I smile at that and it feels strange on my face.
Me: Yeah. Me too.
I set my phone on the table and literally twiddle my thumbs. I should have just asked him if she wants to see me. I rub my face, grunting my frustration into my hands. Guy said a few days. I’ll give her that. I don’t want to, but I’ll give her space for now. Let her get her mind straight. I can do that. For now.
My phone rings and I hurry to answer it, not bothering to look at the caller ID because I’m convinced it must finally be her.
“Hello?”
“Hey, how’s it going?”
Heaven.
I sigh, my disappointment evident in the long, drawn out release of breath.
“Ouch,” she says. “I’m glad you’re so happy to hear from me.”
“Sorry,” I rasp. Damn it. My heart is stuck in my throat. I wish Annie would just call and put me out of my misery. I can’t take this. I stand up and pace in front of the couch. My head feels like it’s about to explode and I want to scream. I want to throw shit. Instead I take a deep breath and use Annie’s trick, counting to ten.
“Are you okay?”
“No. I am not okay. I’m not even in the ballpark of okay. I fucked up so bad.”
“What’s wrong? Talk to me.”
So I do. I tell her everything that happened—what I walked in on, what I did, my night in jail, and my need to hear from Annie.
“I’m coming down. I can be there in two hours.”
Part of me wants her to. I have nobody right now and a shoulder to lean on and an ear to fill would be really nice right about now. But Heaven isn’t the shoulder or the ear I want.
“No,” I say. “I appreciate it, but I just want to be alone.”
“She’ll call, Chase. She loves you.”
I want to believe that’s true. I used to, but that was before…
“Thanks.”
“Anytime, dude.”
I hang up and fall onto the couch, wondering what Annie’s doing right now. I would do anything to hear her voice. And God, what I’d do to see her.
Hold her.
Press my lips to her skin.
Inhale the scent of her hair…
I stare at my phone, sitting ominously in my hand, and fight the urge to call her. She doesn’t need my bullshit. She’s been through enough.
I close my eyes, astonished how lost I am without her.
49
Give Me Love
Annie
I woke up almost every hour last night. Panting and sweating. My heart racing and my mind reeling.
Nightmares.
Loden’s in my room—this one, at my mom’s house—he’s on top of me, strangling me. I can’t breathe and I try to fight, but I’m too weak. I wait for Chase to come save me, but he’s locked up in a jail cell, unable to come to my rescue.
And just when my eyes begin to close, shutting out Loden’s cruel smile, I bolt upright in bed. Over and over, the same horrible dream, playing on repeat.
I’m so tired, but I go downstairs to find my keys. Alec never gave them to me after he followed us here in my car. I had no need for them at the time, but now I want to go home.
Back to school.
Back to Chase.
I need him.
I think if I could just see him I’d feel better. I know he’s home, but I haven’t heard from him. He talked to Guy, but not me. He hasn’t called. He hasn’t texted. Maybe if I could see him the dreams would stop.
Mom’s in the kitchen. She’s been baking—a stress reliever that keeps her close. Guy hasn’t gone far either. Hovering over me. Hope’s called so many times to check in that I started sending her calls to voicemail. I appreciate their concern, I do, and I truly feel loved, but it’s overwhelming. After all these years, feeling alone and unseen, and wishing for a little attention, now that it’s here, I want to scream.
They’re smothering me.
And the one person I want to actually smother me with his presence hasn’t contacted me in any way.
“I’m going home,” I announce as I stop behind the counter. Mom looks up from whatever she’s stirring on the stove and frowns.
“What?”
“I need my keys. I’m going home.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, concentrating on stirring. “It’s too soon.”
I don’t want to fight with her. And she’s right. It’s too soon. I know. And I’m not ready to go back to the dorms—to see the proof of what occurred in those rooms. But I just…
“I need to see Chase,” I whisper. This is too important to do over the phone. And I just need… “Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is Loden. I can’t stand it. Chase can… He’ll…” I can’t find the right words to explain.
I just need him.
Mom nods stiffly. “He’ll make you feel safe.”
“Yes.” I exhale quickly. That’s exactly it. He’ll make it better. He’ll make me better. Because I’ll feel safe with him. I’ve always felt safe and secure with him.
“I can’t stop you,” she breathes. “God knows I can’t stop you from doing what you want. You’ve always been so strong-willed. So determined to go your own way.” She smiles sadly, her eyes brimming. “Have Guy go with you and I want someone with you every minute until that bastard is behind bars.”
I press my lips together, nodding my agreement. “Thank you.”
Her eyebrows pinch together as she pulls me in for a hug. “Call me as soon as you get there. And ever
y hour after.”
“Okay,” I say.
She sniffles and sweeps her hand over my hair. “I love you so much. I don’t know what I’d do…”
“I love you too, Mom.”
~*~
Against my mom’s explicit directions, I drop Guy off at his apartment before driving over to Chase’s. I don’t want an audience. Guy’s pissed, but I promise to go straight to Chase’s apartment without stopping.
“You better call me as soon as you get there.” He sighs. “If Jenny finds out, she’s going to have my ass.”
“I’m not going to tell her,” I say.
He leans over, kissing my cheek. I’m so taken aback by the gesture, I gape, openmouthed, at him. He’s hugged me a handful of times over the years, but not once has he ever kissed me. I rub my cheek in shock.
“Straight there and then you call me.”
I nod.
“And close your mouth. You look dumb.”
Oh, there’s the Guy I know.
“It’s because I’ve been spending too much time with you. I lose an IQ point for every stupid thing you say.”
He cocks a brow as he regards me. “I have gay wisdom, remember?”
“Right.” I roll my eyes. “I forgot.”
“So it was Chase. The guy you hadn’t told you had feelings for.”
I nod slowly, though it isn’t a question. “Yes.”
He grins at me as he opens the car door. “Well, go get your man.”
~*~
I may have unintentionally lied. I didn’t make any stops on the way over to Chase’s apartment, but after knocking several times, and getting no answer, I’m heading over to campus. An extra stop, and I’m nervous, but what else can I do? I have to find him.
He doesn’t have morning classes this semester, so I can only think of one place he’d be.
If he’s not at the gym, then I’ll go back to Guy’s.
I will.
I push the door open and let my eyes sweep the room. It’s not very busy, a few guys on weights, a couple of girls on the ellipticals, a girl folding towels at the counter. No Chase. I head back to my car, feeling defeated.
Maybe he really was home, but didn’t want to see me.
I sit behind the wheel and lock my door quickly as I try to form a new plan. Maybe I can have Guy call him, find out where he is?
Speaking of which, I should call Guy before he freaks out and calls the National Guard. I fish out my cell and find his number.
“Yel-low?”
“You’re an idiot.”
“So, you guys engaged yet?”
“He isn’t home.”
“You should try the gym. He’s probably pretty stressed out and looking for an outlet.”
As soon as the words come out of his mouth, I know exactly where Chase is. “I’ll call you back.”
I hurry out of the car and go next door, to the school pool. Chase’s sanctuary.
This should have been the first place I looked. How many days did I spend here, watching him swim, pretending I wasn’t watching?
Stopping just inside the empty natatorium, I almost start crying. I was positive he’d be here. I’m about to turn back for the door when he breaks out of the water, startling me. He’s swimming away from me, his back moving in and out of the water with each stroke. I watch him, spellbound for a moment, my eyes soaking him up like I haven’t seen him in months.
He flips just before the wall, swimming under the water once again. He moves so gracefully, so smoothly. I could watch him all day, but I’m here for a reason.
I step onto the low dive, walking slowly to the end, and then I sit. And wait.
He resurfaces, his arms arching over his head, back and forth, gliding him forward. His hand comes down on the ledge, and he tosses his head back, flicking his hair out of his face. He’s panting heavily, his breaths echoing off the walls. My stomach clenches.
It’s now or never.
I clear my throat softly and his head snaps in my direction, his lips parting in surprise. And then he’s pushing off the wall, swimming toward me.
I lean forward to see him better as he treads water below me. I could reach out and touch him, but I don’t dare. I couldn’t take it if he pulled away.
“Hi,” he says, his voice husky, unsure.
“Hi.”
“How—are you okay?”
I nod. I think so. Just seeing him makes me feel so much better. His hand comes up, clutching the corner of the diving board, and pulling his upper half completely out of the water. I have to lean farther to see him, my eyes trailing the rivulets running down his chest.
I wish I could trace them.
“How are you?”
“Better now,” he says, his voice tense. I’m not sure if it’s from the strain of holding himself up, or if it’s from me.
But he’s better now. Now that I’m here?
“I’ve missed you,” I whisper.
He shakes his head and my heart picks up, pounding in double time. Please don’t send me away. Please tell me you missed me too.
“Annie,” he rasps. “God, I’ve missed you so much.” He releases his hold on the diving board, causing it to bounce with the loss of his weight. He swims quickly to the side, pulling himself out of the pool. I scurry back, climbing down. We look at each other, my chest rising and falling quickly. He’s dripping, water streaming from his trunks onto the floor.
We move at the same time, rounding our corners of the pool, hurrying toward one another. I stop in front of him, still afraid to touch him. He hesitates for just a moment, before his fingertips sweep up slowly to trace the bruises on my cheeks. His fingers are damp and it causes me to shiver.
I realize belatedly that I didn’t cover them. The bruises. It didn’t even occur to me. I’m wearing them for everyone to see.
“You’re letting me touch you. You didn’t flinch.”
I feel my brows pull together in confusion. Of course I’m letting him touch me. It’s all I’ve longed for. I press my cheek into his hand, trying to show him.
“I haven’t flinched away from you in a long time.”
His eyes are haunted as he watches me warily. “After what I did—the way I acted… I could have killed him.”
“But you didn’t.”
“I would have,” he rasps. “If you hadn’t stopped me. I should have just taken you out of there. I was so…pissed. I fucked up everything. I should have taken care of you. I should have gotten you out of there. I should have…”
“Chase,” I whisper. “Stop. I’m not afraid of you. We have all made mistakes, but what it comes down to is this.” I clutch his hand. “You saved me. I’m here because of what you did.”
He drops his eyes, unsure whether to believe me and I realize none of this matters. We could argue this matter all night because it’s a matter of perception.
“I love you,” I breathe.
A beat goes by, he’s rigid. Frozen in place.
I start to panic. My breathing accelerates with each passing second. Say something.
Chase makes a sound in his throat, something guttural and needy. And then he steps forward, his body merging into mine. My clothes soak through, sticking to me, but I don’t care in the least. His eyes meet mine as he lowers his head, finally claiming my mouth.
I clutch him, my fingers tangling into his damp hair, holding him against me as if he’s my life force. I kiss him deeply, pouring everything I’m feeling into it.
He pulls back, planting a series of soft kisses down my cheek and onto my throat. Kissing my bruises, I realize.