Hope’s home and I tried to talk to her about everything that’s been going on, but the more I searched for the words, the more they eluded me. I’m ashamed and confused. I don’t know how to admit how badly my life has been when she’s so happy.
On Christmas, I broke down and called Loden. I listened to his promises and apologies. I returned them with an equal lack of sincerity. Then mom picked up on my mood. She made me hot chocolate and we sat on the couch, staring at the lights on the tree.
I asked her what was different about Alec—what made their relationship work when her others had failed. It was probably a shitty question and way too deep to get into on Christmas, but she didn’t seem to mind. Her answer was short and sweet and made me want to cry.
“I think I was afraid of being alone, so I settled.”
“But you didn’t settle for Alec?”
She laughed. “No. After it didn’t work out with Nolan, I decided to take a break. I had jumped from one relationship to the next, and it wasn’t fair to you girls. It wasn’t fair to me. So I stopped looking for the next Mr. Right, and he found me instead.”
I had been trying so hard not to be like my mom, and ironically, I was making the exact same mistakes she had.
Now days later, I look at my face in the mirror and I hate what I see. I hate the girl staring back at me. I hate what she’s become. She’s weak and stupid. She’s nothing but a hollow casing.
I laugh bitterly. So many big plans. So many years trying to be better, reaching for perfection, following a set path. All the time wasted. Everything I thought I was working so hard to achieve—I realize how pointless it all was now. What do I have to show for it? Nothing.
Nothing but fading bruises.
Though I know there were times I’ve been happy, I can’t remember ever just being content. I’ve always wanted bigger, better, more. So many people search for permanent happiness, but they don’t realize it doesn’t exist. There will always—always—be some issue, some problem, some person causing upset. I would give anything to just feel content for once.
I come to the realization on New Year’s Eve that this will never happen for me unless I make changes. So while my friends and family are blowing party blowers and chanting the countdown, somewhere between eight and five, I make the decision to implement the first step.
After we’ve all been thoroughly hugged, I pull Chase into the kitchen.
“What’s up?” he asks, unsure.
I’m not sure how to word this. I’m having a hard time understanding all the jumbled thoughts running through my head. But I know I want to do this. I want things to be different between us. I want to talk to him about what he said. About replacing Loden. With him. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I think I need to be by myself for a little while before I can do that. And I’m not positive it should be with Chase, but… All I know for sure is I want to break up with Loden.
“I made a few resolutions,” I offer. “And I just wanted to let you know that you’re one of them.”
“Me?” He grins, his eyes raking over my face. I don’t miss the way he pauses on my lips and I feel my neck grow warm in response.
I lick my lips nervously. “I want us to be friends.” That’s what I want, right?
He’s quiet for several seconds, his brows furrowed, before he says, “I thought we were already friends.”
“No. We aren’t. But I want to be. I want to talk to you. I want…” I inhale sharply. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“Okay,” he utters, stepping closer to me. “Talk to me.”
I shake my head and stare at the wall. There are small black fingerprints there and I don’t know why seeing my little brother and sisters’ dirty smudges on the paint makes me cry, but I burst into quiet tears. They stream down my face, blurring my vision and clogging my throat.
“Annie?” His voice is thick with worry as he places his hand on my arm. I pinch my eyes closed and take a long, cleansing breath.
“I don’t want to talk about it tonight. When we’re back at school. First thing.”
“No.”
“What?” I croak, shocked. I sniffle and wipe at my face as I stare up at him.
“You’re crying. Tell me what happened.” His eyes are narrowed on my face. He looks mad, but I know it’s not anger. It’s concern.
“I already told you,” I explain. “I made resolutions.”
“Then why are you crying?” His fingers trail over my cheeks, drying my tears. My body stiffens, but I don’t pull away even though my limbs are begging me to. He’s so confused and I can’t blame him. I’m confused too.
“Change is hard,” I whisper. “And scary.”
“It doesn’t have to be. Just…Smile like you mean it.”
“Is that a song or advice?”
He laughs softly and the sound raises goose bumps along my arms. “Both,” he replies with a grin.
~*~
My last day home is spent with Hope and Guy. We’re piled on top of Guy’s bed, all of us in our pajamas as we eat the candy Mom filled our stockings with. I’m surprised Hope had any left a week after Christmas.
Guy pulls out a box of pictures and we spend the next hour going through them. I have a mix of emotions as I flip through photo after photo. I’m not in a whole lot of them, and the ones I am in, I’m off to the side, or lingering in the background. What strikes me the hardest is that these are some of my fondest memories and it’s almost like I wasn’t even there.
While I spent my high school years hanging out with other cheerleaders, Hope and Guy had their own little group made up of Chase and Park. When I actually hung around them, I think they preferred I didn’t because I spent so much time being a bitch.
I can’t even understand why I acted the way I did. Jealousy? Bitterness? Attention? I really don’t know. But I wish so badly that I could jump into a time machine and go back.
I hold a picture of all of us—Guy, Hope, Mason, Park, Chase, and me. Chase has his arm draped over my shoulder. We’re all together at Alec’s fortieth birthday party, and we’re smiling. We’re happy.
I’ve made so many mistakes.
It feels like so long ago. So much wasted time.
“You all right?” Hope asks. She peers over my arm at the photo quivering between my fingers. She smiles and rests her chin on top of my shoulder.
“Best and worst night of my life,” she says quietly.
She and Guy share a look and I feel like an outsider. I have no idea what she’s talking about, but Guy clearly does.
“So much happened that night,” she explains when she notices my lost expression. “With Park. And that’s the first time my cutting came out. And Mason.” She smiles again when she says his name.
Her cutting. Her way of dealing.
I don’t have an out—good or bad—like she used to turn to. I just have me and I suck at comforting myself.
I admire the way she so easily talks about it, though. The way she owns something so ugly. Once again I try to tell her about Loden. I want to lean my head on her shoulder for a little bit and let go, but just like every time before, I can’t find the words, and then the moment’s gone.
“The cake was unbelievable too,” Guy adds with a grin.
Hope laughs, pushing him off the bed. I follow along, laughing with them, faking it just like I did in high school.
It’s a strange feeling, sitting here with people I love and want to be near, but feeling as if I’m not in my own skin. Pretending to be something I’m not. Pretending to be happy and normal when I don’t know how to be either.
I wear my mask, smiling like I mean it, just like Chase instructed. As the time ticks by, I realize it’s getting easier to hold it. Easier to laugh. Easier to talk. Easier to breathe and just be.
Not easy. Just easier than it was.
And it gives me hope. Hope that maybe one day I’ll be able to do all this freely. To actually really mean it.
My hand pauses on a picture of Chase.
His hair is green and it makes his eyes somehow even brighter. I stare hard at his face, memorizing every feature while a thought runs rampant through my mind. When I’m with Chase, I smile real and laugh long. I feel good. I feel…
I feel.
There’s no numbness with Chase. And there may have been a time where I felt invisible in his presence, but it hasn’t been that way in a long time. He sees me.
Me.
I glance over at Hope and Guy deep in the remembrance of a story I wasn’t a part of. And noting their attention isn’t anywhere near me, I slip the picture into the pocket of my flannel pajama pants. I want it. I want to keep this to mark this moment. The precise instant that I understand there may be something worth exploring with Chase.
The next smile that forms is genuine. Authentically Annie. Because now my head is full of Chase and possibility. And I haven’t felt like this in so long. It makes my stomach ache with a mixture of nerves and anticipation.
I know what he said the night before I came home. The offer to replace Loden. But it could have been nothing more than his way of letting me know I wasn’t alone. As my friend, he’d be there for me. He has Heaven and she’s so perfect for him. But we’ve also grown so close over the past several months. We’ve known each other for years. There’s a history between us. Granted, not always the best history, but history just the same.
I have to know one way or another.
One of my New Year’s resolutions: Step out of my comfort zone.
Chase is definitely out of my comfort zone. He’s also, ironically, the person I feel safest with.
My highest connection. My home.
And sometimes, you just need to go home.
28
Her Diamonds
Chase
At first, I don’t think too much about Annie being late. I mean, I’m late all the time. It happens. Twenty minutes go by and I know this isn’t normal for Annie. Then forty. And now I start to pace the common room. She is too anal to be this late.
At one hour, I text her. Maybe she changed her mind. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk anymore. And that’s…that’s fine. It’s shitty, but she’s allowed to change her mind. She just needs to tell me. When I get no reply, I call her. It goes straight to voicemail and something about this feels wrong. Annie always keeps her phone charged and she never turns it off. Not once in all the years I’ve known her. Yes, she’s ignored my calls, but I’ve never automatically gotten her voicemail.
I call Guy as I put my shoes on and search for my keys. I need to verify that I’m overreacting. I just need to see her and prove to myself that everything is good.
“Yel-low?”
“Hey, man. Have you talked to Annie?”
“Since we got back? No. She dropped me off and left. Why? What’s up?”
I can’t tell him. If I’m jumping to conclusions and she’s fine, then she will undoubtedly hate me for opening my mouth. I hesitate, trying to decide what to do. “I tried calling her, but I think she’s ignoring my calls.”
“Probably,” Guy agrees. “Just swing by and bang on her door until she answers.”
I hang up with him knowing that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Skipping the elevator, I jog down the steps, because I know I won’t be able to stand in that little, metal box as it takes its sweet time. I drive over just to get there quicker—the more time that goes by, the more I start to believe something is definitely not right. Today would have been the first day she saw Loden since the night I picked her up from that party.
If he took out what I did on her…
I can’t let my mind go there.
Once I’m parked, I push past a group of girls that look like they’re just getting back from break, and walk quickly to Annie’s dorm room. I knock and wait, my fingers jiggling my keys obnoxiously. I’m so antsy. I feel like a crack-head, unable to hold still.
When the door opens, I hold my breath. It’s not Annie. Just one of the other five girls that reside in this room.
“Annie here?”
The girl shrugs as she twists her hair up into a ponytail. “Don’t know. Check her room.” She backs away from the door, giving me space to come inside. I head straight to Annie’s bedroom and knock again, fighting off the overwhelming urge to throw the door wide open.
I should have checked to see if Loden’s car was in the parking lot. I didn’t think about it in my hurry. Shit. I should have done a lot of things. I should have not done a lot of things, too.
This time when the door opens, and again it’s not Annie standing on the other side, a frustrated growl slips. Where the hell is she? I just need to see her face. Make sure she’s all right. Then I might yell at her because this shit has to stop.
Either that or I’ll hug her. I haven’t decided. Both sound pretty good.
“Is Annie in there?”
Her roommate shakes her head. “No. She left like an hour ago.”
“Did she say where she was going?” An hour ago she was supposed to be in my dorm.
She shakes her head again, her hair swaying around her shoulders. “No. Just left with Loaded.”
She rolls her eyes at my blank expression. “That’s what I call her boyfriend.”
Yeah, I got that.
“She left with Loden.” I release a harsh chuckle. Of course she did. Why say she wanted to talk? Why say she wanted to make changes? Why call me this morning and setup a time if she was just going to go out with her boyfriend? And why the hell am I so pissed off about it?
Back in the car, I lean my head back against the seat and entertain the idea of going to Loden’s to mess with Annie for ditching me. I don’t do it, partially because I don’t know where he lives, but mostly because that’s a total psycho stalker move.
Instead, I go home, pledging to forget about Annie. To give it a real try with Heaven. Because I swear if I don’t put a concrete wall between us, Annie will wind up driving me completely insane.
I send Heaven a text on my way through the common room. And then I forget all about my phone when I step inside my bedroom.
Annie’s sitting on my bed, her legs pulled to her chest, her hair veiling her face. She came. Late as hell, but she came. I grin as I drop my car keys on the desk and swing the door shut. Whatever little vow I made on my way home is being erased and amended in the back of my mind. Seeing her on my bed, the way my body physically reacts, can’t be ignored. I could never forget Annie no matter how hard I tried.
“Your watch broken?” I ask, heavy on the sarcasm. “Or did I mistake the time? Because I could have sworn you were supposed to be here over an hour ago.”
I plop down in front of her on my bed and she looks at me. The air hisses through my teeth as I take in a shocked breath. Jesus Christ. “What the fuck happened?” I reach for her, my hand shakily moving toward her face, and she flinches, drawing back quickly. She’s pressed as closely to the wall as she can get and she’s shaking. Her eyes are black with tear-smeared make-up and her hands are balled into tight fists.
None of that is as disturbing as the puffy lip dripping blood onto her shirt or the red and swollen cheek.
She doesn’t answer my question. She doesn’t have to. I know what happened. I know that piece of shit hit her. He fucking hit her. Right now I have to make a choice. A vital decision. Do I find Loden and let every violent fantasy running through the darkest depths of my mind come out to play? Or do I stay here and take care of Annie?
She’s still cowering in the corner of my bed, trembling in fear. Like she’s afraid of me. I stand up and walk out of my room.
Several deep breaths that do nothing to calm my coiled muscles and one warm wash cloth later, I’m back in my room. I sit facing her and move slowly, letting her know everything I’m doing. Walking her through it step by step.
“I’m going to touch you,” I explain. “I need to move your hair so I can see your face.”
She doesn’t reply, but her body tenses as I lift my hand. I gather her hair and move it behi
nd her shoulder. I close my eyes for a second, wishing I weren’t seeing what I’m seeing. It’s worse than I originally thought. Son of a bitch. It’s the whole side of her face. Like he hit her over and over.
Then I realize that’s exactly what he did.
And she came here. She came to me.
I clear my throat and choke down all the emotions twisting my tongue. “I’m going to clean your mouth. Your lip is bleeding.”
Her eyes meet mine then and there’s this pleading—this vulnerability begging for help that I have never seen in Annie before. And I hope I never see it again. I know without a doubt, as bruised and bloodied as she is, her real pain is inside. And more than a wet cloth or ice, Annie needs to be held. She needs to be comforted and reassured. She needs to know she’s safe.
I slip my arms around her as gently as I can and guide her toward me. She’s stiff at first, so I explain that I’m trying to hug her. The fact that I have to do that kills me.
Kills me.
She comes willingly then, melting against me, and then a dam breaks. She claws at my back, pulling me closer or trying to bring herself closer. It’s almost as if she’s trying to crawl inside my skin with me. And God, if I could, I’d let her. I’d wrap myself around her and let her stay forever.
“Shh,” I soothe as she sobs into my chest. “Shh, never again. I swear. I will never let this happen to you again.”
I suspected my heart was breaking back at Thanksgiving. I was wrong. So fucking wrong. Because it’s clearly being torn apart now and it hurts so much worse. I can’t stand to hear her cry. To know how much pain she’s in.
I could have prevented this. I knew. I knew there was something wrong. I should have stopped this when Loden pulled that shit at the party so many months back. I should have reported him to campus security. I should have killed him.
I hold Annie until her crying slows to quiet whimpers and then I hold her some more. I wipe her face as easily as I can, trying not to hurt her. She winces a few times, but doesn’t recoil at my touch. She needs ice, but I can’t make myself let her go. If she’s in the confines of my arms then she’s safe.