“I want…” I close my eyes and sigh. “I want you to kiss me.”
A beat goes by. Neither of us moves. Another beat and I open my eyes. Chase is staring at me, his gaze searing. Desire pools in my stomach, hot and unyielding. I’m trembling and it has nothing to do with fear.
And then his lips move against mine, rough, but slow. As if he’s drawing it out, taking his time, and savoring, but it’s taking all his strength to do so. It’s not the unrestrained hunger of last night, but it’s somehow more powerful. My toes curl into the carpet and my hands fist into his shirt.
I feel almost…crazed…as I clutch him closer to me. I want to burrow into him. I want him everywhere around me, but I hold it back. Each brush of his tongue sets me closer to losing my mind. His taste in my mouth, minty and something that’s all Chase, mixed with the sweet caramel and whipped cream from my coffee, has me forcing my lips harder to his.
I was wrong. This is my happiest of happy places. Right here.
And then I realize—controlled chaos.
That’s exactly what Chase and I are.
38
Do You Realize
Chase
I can’t say it feels good that Annie wants to keep our…relationship?...on the down. It feels shitty as hell. But I knew she’d do this, so at least I prepared myself. I’m not Annie’s typical type. I know that. She likes Boy Scouts and hardworking, smart guys. She wants somebody with khakis and a bountiful bank account. I don’t have jack to offer her other than I’m better than Loden.
And that’s not saying much.
The thing is…Annie makes me want to be more. She makes me want to get my shit together and grow up. Be the man she needs me to be.
But I still want to be me, too. Ya know?
I know I need to find a balance. I just haven’t figured out how yet. And there’s this part of me I keep buried deep inside that wonders why she can’t accept me for who I am. Why can’t I be enough to make her happy?
I look in the mirror and kick that part of me back into the corner where it belongs because I can’t blame her. She’s working her ass off to make something of herself and I can barely make it through my classes. It’s normal for her to expect more from me. I know I need to man up. But can I do it with my bass strapped to my back and tattoos on my skin?
I think so.
But I’m not sure she does.
I’ve waited so long for this. I’m not going to complain. I’m going to go with the flow because I’d rather deal with it than lose her. And who knows? Maybe I’ll grow on her. I mean, I already did, right? It took six years, but she came around. If I can keep her from running away from me then we’ll have a pretty good start.
I’ll continue to touch her in private—keep it from our friends—despite how wrong it feels. If that’s what she wants then I’ll do it. Hell, it won’t be hard. Everybody else is growing up. They have school and jobs, relationships or a kid. Everybody moved out and moved on. They’re all too busy with their own lives to pay attention to what’s happening in my and Annie’s lives.
It’s sad, but true.
They’re all still my closest friends—and they always will be—but time, man… It changes shit. It changes people. Priorities shift and everybody starts wanting to spend most of their time with that one person.
Damn. Maybe I am growing up.
Or maybe growing up and love are somehow tied together.
Listen to me, all profound and whatnot.
~*~
“Did I tell you Park and Lucy are getting married?” I say to Annie as I lie on her bed, her head on my shoulder. I hold up our hands, her palm flat against mine, and compare sizes. I can close the tops of my fingers over hers, dwarfing them.
“Mm-hm,” she says sleepily. “In a couple months.”
I nod, my chin brushing against her hair, and I smile as I slip my fingers in between hers. I love the way her skin feels against mine. She’s so soft and smooth.
“I still can’t believe Park’s a dad.”
She laughs quietly as she lowers her head back to my shoulder. She snuggles in. Her lips caressing my neck, making me tug her closer.
“Is it weird I’m excited?”
“Not really,” she says. “But aren’t you worried about them?”
I shrug again and lay her hand on my stomach, my hand on top of hers. “No. I think they’ll be okay. They love each other.”
Annie sits up, pivots on the bed so she’s facing me, and crosses her legs underneath her. “You say that like it’s enough. Like nothing else matters.”
“It doesn’t. Not really.”
“Love doesn’t pay for diapers and medical bills.”
“It doesn’t,” I agree.
“They’re so young. What if it doesn’t last? And then they have this baby, growing up with two different homes. Two different sets of parents. And that’s if she’s lucky.”
I’m not a mathematician, but Annie’s mom just celebrated her forty-first birthday. That’d put her about twenty—twenty-one when she was pregnant with Annie. Annie’s dad isn’t around. Hasn’t been for as long as I’ve known her. And I know Guy’s dad was Jenny’s third husband. That has to be hard on any kid. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me before, but Annie’s desire to always be perfect—to have the perfect relationship—makes more sense to me now. I’m not going to over psychoanalyze her—everybody has issues—it just makes sense.
“I think,” I begin slowly, choosing my words carefully, “sometimes, people are stupid. They give up too easily or too quickly. Some people don’t understand what they have or they don’t realize how important their presence is. But,” I add, “if two people are meant to be then age doesn’t matter. If they really love each other, they can make it work. They’ll fight to make it work. It depends on the people involved. Not every scenario is going to be the same. Not every relationship is going to have the same outcome.”
She bites her lip as she contemplates my words. I touch my thumb to her mouth, pulling her lip free, and smooth the skin there. Her gaze drops until she’s staring intently at her sheets.
“What do you think will happen with us?”
“Whatever we make happen.”
Her eyes flick up to meet mine and she smiles. That must have been the right answer because she lowers herself until she’s lying across my chest, her legs interlocking with mine. Strands of her soft, blonde hair fall forward onto my face, but I don’t move them. This, with Annie’s chest pressed against me, her scent engulfing me, her hair, silky smooth against my cheek, this is perfection. Everything she’s tried so hard to achieve is reached in these moments.
Annie is my definition of perfect.
“When did you get so smart?” she asks, her voice low and breathy.
I grin. “I’ve been telling you for years, you just wouldn’t listen. I’m a freaking genius. Einstein ain’t got shit on me.”
“And you’re losing me.” She pushes her palms into the mattress on either side of my head, as if she’s going to get up, and I grip her hips, pulling her closer.
“I’m not letting you go,” I whisper. And she can take that any way she wants. Because I don’t mean just at this moment. I want her. All of her. I always have and I always will. I’ll do whatever I need to in order to make her mine.
“Who said I was going anywhere?”
I lick my lips as I trail my fingers up her sides. She shivers and brings her face closer. God, I can’t stand how much I love her. It’s consuming me. And I want to tell her so badly—hell, I want to tell everybody I come in contact with—but I’m terrified. Plain and simple. I’d rather never tell her than scare her off.
“You don’t have to say it when you always have one foot out the door.”
“My feet are both right here.” She wiggles her toes against my legs, but I don’t laugh.
“I’m more concerned where your heart is.”
Annie’s eyes widen and she inches closer until her lips are pressing against mi
ne, feather light. “I don’t know yet. Maybe I don’t have one.”
My hand slides from her ribs to her chest, resting over her heart. It pounds erratically against my palm. “You have one,” I say. “A good one.” She gasps, pulling the air from my mouth into hers. “It’s okay if it belongs to you,” I continue hoarsely. “I just want you to share it with me someday.”
“I’m scared.”
“You don’t ever have to be scared of me. I’ll never hurt you.”
“No, Chase. You’re the one I have to be the most cautious with. You have the potential to cause the most harm.”
I sit, pushing her back in order to see her better. “Never. I will never hurt you in any way.” I’m practically yelling, but how the hell can she think I would ever do anything to damage this? Us? Her?
She shakes her head causing her hair to hide her face. I brush it back, needing to see her expression. Shit. She really is scared of me. She’s shaking and her eyes are glossy. Her bottom lip trembles and she pulls it into her mouth, biting down.
“I thought…” She sighs and closes her eyes. “At the beginning, I thought I loved Loden, but it became clear quickly that I didn’t. Couldn’t. I never gave him my heart. What Loden broke in me was physical and psychological. He messed with something that was already fragile, but I can repair it. I’m working on it.” Her eyes flutter open and she fixes them on me, holding me in place. “You’ve become so important to me. If this doesn’t go well, what you’ll break…I don’t think I’ll be able to fix it.”
I don’t know how to take that, or how to respond, so I watch her quietly. Give her time to finish her thoughts or take them back if she needs to.
“I don’t know if I can ever fully give you my heart, but I know I don’t want anyone else to have it.”
I still have nothing. I’m confused—I don’t know whether to be hurt she doesn’t trust me with her heart, or happy she doesn’t want to give it to anybody else either.
Though I have fifty questions, I have no words.
So I kiss her.
There’s always time to worry later. Right now, I just need her touching me.
39
The Heart Never Lies
Annie
I’m in limbo and I’ve dragged Chase along with me. We live in this in-between. We hug. We kiss—God, do we kiss. We touch. We make out like high schoolers at a basement party. We go on dates that we don’t refer to as dates. We spend every available free moment together.
But we’re not together.
Weeks have passed this way. Just passing and passing. I feel myself slipping, falling for him deeper and deeper. I know he wants more. I want more, too. Every time he touches me I’m ready to take that next step. But then my fear gets the best of me and I pull away. Is there a future with Chase?
I don’t know. I don’t know anything.
It’s Halloween and he’s taking me to a party. A costume party. It might feel good to be someone different for a little bit.
I don’t have the funds to purchase a costume. I was just going to throw something together until Hannah, taking pity on my complete lack of imagination, removes a nurse’s costume from the back of her closet. It’s nothing like a real nurse’s uniform. This is a short, white halter dress with red buckles down the side, ending in a ruffle skirt. It’s complete with a stethoscope and little white hat with a red medical symbol.
“Eric and I like to role play,” she says with a shrug.
I crinkle my nose. “I can’t wear this.”
“It’s been dry-cleaned. Don’t worry.”
“No,” I say quickly. “It’s not…that. You’re like three inches shorter than I am. It’s going to be really short and I’ll feel—exposed.”
“You’ll be hot and your guy won’t be able to take his eyes off you.” She grins and wiggles the hanger at me, the dress swaying. I take it, cocking my head to the side.
“My guy?”
“Chase? He’s going to love this.”
“Chase isn’t… We’re not…” I sigh. “Chase isn’t ‘my guy.’”
“Oh,” she says, stretching out the word. “You’ll still look hot.”
I stare down at the dress in my hand and decide to go with it. The old Annie would never be caught dead wearing something this…revealing. She was more of a sexy, yet elegant girl, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But this new Annie, she’s vowed to take chances.
And in all honesty, I want to see Chase’s face when he sees me in this outfit.
~*~
I’m pacing my room, too scared to venture into the common room. I’m having horrible costume remorse and it only gets worse with each pass by my mirror. I look slutty—like I’m trying way too hard.
There’s a knock, and I freeze, staring at the door. I scramble through my thoughts, trying to come up with an alternative costume quickly. I wish I had my old cheer leading uniform—which, by the way, covered a hell of a lot more than this nurse’s dress.
The door opens and Chase peeks inside. His eyes fall on me immediately and his mouth parts in surprise. My stomach clenches.
He steps inside, kicking the door shut behind him. He’s dressed in all black—black tee shirt, black jeans, black worn Converse, and a black leather jacket. His bass is across his back, the strap, also black, angled over his chest.
Chase’s eyes slowly slide down my body, and then make a languid trip back up. When he lands on my face, he busts out the grin that always causes my heart to race. “You look so fucking good,” he breathes huskily.
“So do you,” I say. He looks more than good. Mouthwatering comes to mind.
I watch him pull the bass over his head and prop it against the wall. And then he stalks toward me. “I’m not feeling very well,” he states as one hand slides around my waist. The other toys with the stethoscope hanging between my breasts. “Maybe we should stay in and you can nurse me back to health.”
I press my lips together to keep from laughing. He arches a brow as he places the disk part of the stethoscope against his heart.
I pull the ear pieces from around my neck and slip them into place. It really works and I can hear his heart thumping rapidly in my ears.
“What do you hear?” he whispers.
“Your heart. It’s beating really fast.”
Chase guides them off my head and fixes them in his own ears. My breath hitches as he brings the disk to my chest. It’s warm from being pressed against him, but I still shiver. His eyes flick up to meet mine and I can read the desire burning in them. I step into him, trapping his hand between us.
“What do you hear?” I repeat his question back to him, though I already know the answer. I can feel my heart pulsing swiftly, pounding against my ribs so forcefully I’m surprised they don’t break.
“I hear your heart answering mine,” Chase says softly. “It’s like music. I could listen to it all night.” He releases the stethoscope, replacing it with his hand, flush against my skin. “I love how that feels.”
“So do I.”
He closes his eyes and I just watch him. He looks like he’s struggling with something, agonizing over some decision. It scares me that it might be me.
Finally, he opens his eyes, drops his hand as he plucks the ear pieces off, and slides them around my neck. “You ready?” he croaks.
I nod, because I can’t manage words.
He definitely likes my costume.
~*~
I’m beginning to really enjoy Halloween parties. Hannah was right. Chase hasn’t been able to take his eyes off me all night. Regardless of the other eighteen “nurses” in the room, his gaze lingers on me. And he continually reaches out, skimming his fingers along the soft ruffles, as if he wants to do more, but only allows himself this.
His restraint is stronger than mine. It’s getting harder and harder not to touch him as the night goes on.
We’re standing in a corner, talking to some guy about his elaborate zombie costume, which I admit, is impressive. Chase finger
s the hem of my dress absentmindedly, and then he notices my lingering gaze. He sets his cup down, excuses us from the conversation, and grips my hand, tugging me to the dance floor. Without giving me an opportunity to react, he slides his fingers onto my hips, and pulls me against him.
We should be moving to the music—that’s what people do on a dance floor—but apart from our chests rising and falling with our breaths, we’re still. Chase angles his head down, inching toward me. This goes against our privacy agreement. I mean, I know we aren’t technically telling people—not with words. But kissing in public is a pretty big announcement.
I don’t care.
I want him to kiss me.
I’m bumped from behind, my forehead slamming into Chase’s. “Ow,” I hiss, rubbing my head. Chase’s eyes narrow as he looks past my shoulder. I glance back and gasp. My shoulders tense as my eyes lock on Loden’s retreating form.
“Are you okay?” Chase asks as his fingers gently guide my chin so that I’m looking at him.
I nod. “I’m fine, but we should probably go.”
“He did that on purpose,” Chase seethes.
“I know.” Which is exactly why I want to leave.
Chase inhales deeply and releases it harshly. “You’re staying with me tonight.”
“Okay,” I agree quickly. Like, way too quickly. Rein it in Annie.
He focuses on me again, visibly relaxing, and he grins. “Bring the stethoscope.”
40
All This Time
Chase
As many times as I fantasized about Annie, never once did my imagination conjure up Naughty Nurse Annie. I made sure to get a few pictures on my phone for future reference—not that I’ll be forgetting what she looks like any time soon.
I’m already planning future costumes for her—Supergirl, Wonder Woman, Princess Leia—complete with ear buns—the list goes on and on. I have enough material to keep my fantasies extremely interesting for a long, long time.