His brows arch over those gorgeous eyes and I realize I’m staring. I step back, causing his hand to drop from my shoulder. He watches me, his gaze focused on my face for several more seconds. He adjusts his bag and nods. “You sure?”
“I think so,” I say.
His hazel eyes flick over me, from top to bottom, before he cocks his head to the side. “You want to work out with me and Park?”
“What?” I’m so thrown off by the invitation all I can do is repeat my question. “What?”
“I’m meeting Park at the gym.” He pauses as he licks his bottom lip. “If he remembers. Sometimes he’s too hung over and he doesn’t show. Do you want to come along?”
“Why?”
Chase chuckles and shakes his head. He turns and starts walking toward the main doors. “I thought it might help loosen you up, relax you a little. Maybe not.”
“What about my iPod?” I call after him.
I hear him sigh, but he doesn’t turn around or even slow his pace. “It can come along too.”
I press my lips together to keep from smiling. He knows damn well that’s not what I meant. I tap my foot, trying to make a decision. I have a few hours before I need to be in class, but I work out every other day. He’s throwing off my routine. Again.
Chase slows, glancing over his shoulder at me as his hands rest on the door handle. His lips turn up in a smirk as if he’s challenging me.
And I can’t ignore that.
“I need to get my bag,” I say.
He grins and nods his head, acknowledging me. “I’ll walk with you.”
~*~
“I don’t like working out without my playlist,” I say as I trail behind Chase.
“You have a new playlist,” he replies. “I made sure all the songs are motivational.”
I haven’t listened to it yet, but somehow I imagine what motivates Chase is very different than what motivates me. I shoot him a look, which he ignores.
“Trust me,” he adds.
“Not if my life depended on it.”
He stops and I take several more steps before I realize. I pivot on my heel and look back at him. He’s watching me with narrowed eyes, his arms folded in front of his chest.
“What?” I ask.
“Why don’t you like me?”
“What?” I repeat stupidly. I heard what he said, I just don’t know how to answer it and the honesty of the question has me completely off kilter.
“Everybody likes me except you. And you’ve never liked me. I don’t get it.”
I tip my head to the side as I regard him. “Are you serious?”
He nods slowly. I take a step toward him. I don’t really want to have this conversation here where everyone can hear us. “You’re mean to me every chance you get,” I say incredulously. “Can we not talk about this right now?” The thing is…I really do like Chase, like deep, deep down inside. I just hate how he makes me feel.
“I’m not mean to you.” His eyes are searching my face and I know I must look like I’m dumbfounded or in shock or something.
“Yes, you are. All the time. Sometimes I’m afraid to get anywhere near you because I’m scared of what you’re going to say next to make me feel like shit about myself.”
I watch his dark brows furrow as he continues to stare at me. “You’re scared of me?”
I breathe out a dry laugh. “I’m not scared of you. Just what comes out of your mouth.”
He steps closer, his hands twitching at his sides. “I don’t say shit to hurt your feelings,” he says, his voice low. I look down at our shoes and I can’t help noticing how old and dirty his are compared to mine. “I’m just messing around. I thought we were having fun.”
My head pops up so quickly a pain shoots through my neck. I rub it as I glare at him. “Calling me a bitch—all the time—is not fun for me. Hear something often enough and you believe it’s true.”
Chase chuckles and I shake my head. I don’t know why I bother trying to have a real conversation with him.
“You do realize,” he begins as he takes another step forward, “that you call me an asshole multiple times a day.”
I open my mouth to deny it, but I can’t. It’s true. He grins when I don’t bother to defend my actions.
“Truce?”
My eyes follow his movements as he reaches out one hand and cups it around mine. My stomach tightens and then something flutters inside.
“Truce,” I agree.
As soon as Park shows up, he and Chase hit the weights, so I decide to do my own thing. Placing my ear buds in, I find Chase’s workout playlist and hop up on the elliptical. The music starts and I can’t help picking up my pace to the quickening beat. I feel my lips form a smile as I work my legs.
Damn. Who knew Chase would know what he was talking about?
The chorus fills my ears and my feet falter for a moment. I look down at the screen, reading the song title. I look over my shoulder, trying to locate Chase. My eyes find him almost immediately. As if he senses me looking at him, his head rises, his gaze falling on me.
I know there’s no way he’s aware of how I feel invisible most of the time and my need to make sure I’m seen. Remembered. But it’s almost like he put this song on just for me. Like it could have been written just for me.
He smiles before turning back to whatever Park is saying to him. I realize my smile has never wavered.
When the song ends, I start it over and let myself get lost.
~*~
Chase tugs an ear bud, causing it to fall onto my chest. “You wanna swim?”
I try to catch my breath as I slow down to a stop. “Do what?” I pull the other bud out and pause my iPod. I have to look down at the screen on the elliptical to see how long it’s been. I’ve completely lost track of time.
“Swim,” Chase says. “Do you want to swim?”
I crinkle my nose. I love to swim. Hate to swim with other people. Hate to wear a swimsuit. He holds out his hand and I just look at it.
“Come on.” He wraps his fingers around my wrist and nods his head. “They have a killer pool. It’s a great cool down.”
“I don’t have a suit.”
“It’s fine,” he insists. “Just go like that. Nobody will say anything to you if you’re with me.”
I glance down at my shorts and school tee shirt. I can’t go like this.
“You look fine,” he says, reading my thoughts.
“No, it’s fine. You go ahead. I’ll just go back to the dorms.”
He rolls his eyes and pulls on my arm. “I want you to come swim with me.”
“You want me to?”
He chuckles as he runs his free hand over his forehead, wiping away sweat. “That’s why I asked.”
“I’ll come with you, but I’m not swimming like this. I’ll just sit by the pool and talk to you.”
He eyes me for a moment and then relents. “Fine. But you have to at least put your feet in.”
8
Girls and Boys
Chase
I dive into the pool and swim a full lap, butterfly stroke—my favorite—before I glide through the water to join Annie as she settles in on the side of the deep end. Her shoes are still on and she’s sitting with her legs crossed at the ankles, leaning back on her palms.
I dip my head, letting the water push my hair back, and then prop my arms across the floor between us.
“Take your shoes off,” I say, flicking my fingers and sending drops of water onto her calves.
She eyes me curiously. “Why? I’m good here.”
“Because I want your feet in the water.”
“Why?” she asks again. She shifts her weight, straightening her back. I’ve known Annie for a long time. And even though I don’t hang out with her all that much, I know how she ticks. That little straightening of her back is the equivalent to a soldier putting on protective gear.
I don’t bother to argue with her when she’s like this. Instead, I reach over and pull off o
ne shoe and throw it over toward the benches lining the outer walls. Before she can recover from her surprise, I tug the sock off and send it flying.
“What are you doing?” she asks, which is stupid as hell, since I’ve made it very clear I want her in the water.
Why do I want her in so badly? I have no idea. But when I decide I want something, I take it. Little motivates me, and it doesn’t happen often. She should feel special.
I dunk my hand in the pool, scooping up water, and let it trail from my fingertips onto her bare foot. Her toes twitch, but she doesn’t pull away. I move to the other shoe and repeat the whole process before I look up to gauge her reaction.
“See? It’s nice, right?”
“Mm,” she agrees quietly. Damn that’s a nice sound.
I pull her by the ankles, sliding her closer to the edge, and maneuver her legs into the pool on either side of me. Annie’s eyes widen, her hands gripping the ledge.
“What are you doing?”
I stare up at her and shake my head. I have no idea. I push off the wall and backstroke toward the middle of the pool. “I’m just swimming,” I say. I’m not sure she even hears me. We’re nowhere close to alone and it’s loud, especially with the way sounds echo in here. Like waves of noise pinging off the painted brick walls, shooting from one side to the next.
“Then what am I doing?” Annie calls out to me.
I tread water as I regard her. That’s a damn good question. I’m not really sure why I felt the need to drag her along with me today. Maybe because I felt bad for her? Maybe because I actually like spending time with her. I don’t know. But why did she feel the need to follow?
I shrug and swipe my hand over my face. As I bob aimlessly in the deep end, water makes its way into my mouth, and I spit it out. I keep watching her, waiting to see if she’ll find an answer to her question, but she looks away, watching the other swimmers.
I flip my body, diving down to the bottom. When I was younger, my dad took me to the local pool every weekend during the summer. It was a lot smaller, but so was I. I would swim to the bottom and stare up at the people moving around the pool. It was like watching another dimension or looking through a portal to another world.
I do it now, looking through the heavily chlorinated water, up at Annie, sitting by herself. She fidgets with her hair, taking it out of its ponytail and working it into a bun on the top of her head. She must be getting hot. Pool areas are always kept warmer. I should get out and take her home. I don’t know why I insisted on her coming with me when she wasn’t going to swim.
I kick off, pushing myself up to the surface. I toss my hair out of my face and rub the water from my burning eyes.
Annie’s gone. I move my legs, turning myself in a slow circle. And then I find her. She’s sitting on one of the benches, knees tucked into her chest and she’s smiling. All her attention is targeted on Loden Guiles.
Loden’s kind of a friend of mine. He’s on the swim team and exactly Annie’s type. He has that whole golden-boy thing going for him. He comes from money. I’m not sure of the who, what, or why, just that there’s money to his name. And a lot of it. He’s pre-law. From what I can tell, he’s smart, socially polite, and all that other boring shit she’s always looking for in a guy.
He’s also a little bit of a douche bag. I’ve never had an issue with him personally, but I’ve heard rumors. Apparently Loden doesn’t have a type. He likes women. A lot of women. And from what I understand, he’s not choosy.
The way he’s smiling at Annie, I’m guessing she fits whatever little requirements he might have. She’s a big girl. She can do whatever she wants. But as my friend’s sister, I feel an obligation to warn her. And if I’m being honest with myself, which I rarely am, I’m pissed off.
I pull myself out of the pool, my trunks slinking low on my hips from the weight of the water. Finding my towel, I pat my legs somewhat dry and join the two lovebirds on the bench.
“Hey, man,” Loden says. He nods at me. “How’s it going?”
“I can’t complain.” I nudge Annie because I’d rather talk to her alone, but she shoots me a look and refuses to move.
I sit down too close to her, my hip shoving into hers, forcing her over and getting her clothes wet. She makes a noise in her throat, something close to a growl, and I grin at her. “Can I talk to you real quick?”
She presses her lips together tightly and I can almost hear her counting to ten. “In a minute.”
“No it’s cool,” Loden says. “I need to go change anyway.”
Annie turns back to him and her face completely changes. Her eyes light up like a kid on Christmas morning and she smiles widely.
“Tonight though. Eight o`clock.”
“Eight o`clock,” she echoes in confirmation. She watches him until he disappears through the locker room door.
“What’d you want?” she asks, her eyes lingering on the door.
“What’s at eight?” Not what I had wanted to talk to her about, but it is now.
She smiles and glances over at me. “He’s taking me out. Dancing.”
Annie likes all that kind of shit. Dancing and gymnastics. I guess that’s why she was a cheerleader all through high school.
“Where you going?”
Her brows merge and she gives her head a slight shake. “He didn’t say. Why?” I can feel her eyes on my face, but I’ve shifted my gaze away from her. I can’t watch her looking all happy when I’m trying to warn her about Loden.
I grimace. She’s going to be pissed. And usually I’m all for pissing Annie off, but I need her to hear me on this. And I’m not in the mood for her fury right now.
“Do you know him?”
She shrugs. “We have a class together. I talk to him sometimes.” She gestures at the pool. “I forgot he was on the swim team.”
“Do you know about his reputation?”
Eyes flicking over my face, Annie tips her head to the side, her cheeks growing pink. “What do you mean?”
I massage my forehead and groan simultaneously. It’s difficult to say this to Annie. Her specifically. Beginning of our senior year, something went down between Annie and this asshole at our high school. I was never given details—nor did I ever ask—but all of a sudden, Annie started avoiding him like he had the plague. Like she was scared of him.
My guess? Date rape. I punched the guy in his face at a party one night for talking shit about her and Hope. I’ve never talked to her about it because I’m afraid we’d have to talk about what he did to her.
So talking to her about sex and dating makes me nervous.
“Chase. What?”
“I’ve just heard that he doesn’t…you know…do the whole relationship thing.”
She blinks at me but remains silent. I have no idea what she’s thinking or if she even understands my meaning.
I inhale deeply and let it out all at once. “I think he wants to take you out to have sex with you,” I say, no longer choosing my words with care. “I wanted you to know that might be what’s going on so you’re prepared. In case you were expecting more.”
And then it occurs to me that maybe she wasn’t. Maybe she wants a hook-up.
“Don’t worry,” she says softly. “I don’t expect much from anybody anymore.” She scoops up her shoes as she stands. “Thanks for the warning, but I’ll be fine. I always am.”
“Are you?” I say to her retreating back.
She pauses and glances back at me. Then she shrugs indifferently. “Doesn’t really matter.”
9
Long Road to Ruin
Annie
It doesn’t really matter. That sentence keeps swirling around and around in my head. I haven’t been fine for a long time. I’m not sure I ever was to begin with. But I don’t know how to find that place in life where everything is fine. Where I’m content. All I can do is follow my plan and hope it leads me there. I try to push these thoughts down as I get ready for my date with Loden.
Loden Guiles
. My stomach does this little twist, somewhere between butterflies and nausea.
He’s so beautiful with his blonde hair and blue eyes. He’s almost as tall as Chase, though not as pretty. But he has a more put-together vibe going for him. Clean shaven. Well dressed. And he has manicured nails at the end of soft hands. He takes pride in his appearance, which I appreciate.
I love that he’s on the swim team as well. It says so much about him as a person. I was in cheer in high school, so I know being part of a team means commitment, hard work, and dependability.
He’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. Exactly what I need in my life.
I won’t make the same mistakes my mom did. She didn’t know how to make a relationship work. She chose the wrong men time and again. Countless boyfriends came and went. Two failed marriages. Four children by three different men.
It wasn’t until she met Alec that this changed for her. She was thirty-five by that point. I don’t want that to be me. That can’t be me.
I don’t fail.
It’s just not an option.
This is why Loden is a great choice for me. I have heard the rumors Chase was talking about. But I’m not like those girls. I know better now than to just give it up in the back of some asshole’s car. Been there. Done that. Learned from it.
I’m going to make Loden work for it. If he can handle that, then we’re good.
I can see a whole future with him. The large colonial we’ll live in. The two children we’ll have. A boy and a girl. The nice cars we’ll drive. The charity events we’ll attend. The influence he’ll have as a lawyer, or even better, District Attorney.
I’m getting way ahead of myself, I know, but if I can’t picture some kind of future, then what’s the point? I don’t want to waste my time on frogs. Give me my prince, so I can begin my life.
I gaze at my reflection in the mirror. I can’t say I’m exactly happy with what I see, but I don’t make myself want to cry anymore either. Large blue eyes that aren’t so bad after the eyeliner and mascara are applied. Cheekbones that are a little too sharp, but can be softened with the right blush. Lips that are on the thinner side. Thank goodness for lip liner to create the illusion of fuller lips guys go for. My teeth are now straight and I whiten every night. I’d say I like my smile now, but I hate the lines it creates around my eyes.