I hear a door open and I use that moment to pull away from him. A couple of guys from his team nod at us as they pass. Loden waits until they’re gone before he speaks again. “You have to stop doing this to me. I don’t like feeling like this.”
Neither do I.
I nod stiffly.
He sighs, taking my hand, and leading me toward the locker room. “I don’t know how I’m going to last the summer away from you. I’m going to go crazy thinking about you here by yourself.” His eyes blaze as some thought—probably me flirting with his entire team—flashes through his mind. His hand squeezes mine.
I don’t know if I want to do this anymore.
~*~
When Loden called me to tell me he made it home safely, I told him I needed a break. Time to think. Just while he’s gone for the summer.
He wasn’t happy—in fact, he was downright pissed. More so because there was nothing he could do about it, which is exactly why I chose that moment. He had an early flight the next morning with his parents—vacationing with family on the other side of the country where he’ll be for the next three months.
I know I didn’t handle the situation in the best way possible, but I need time to think. I know Loden can give me everything I want out of life. I see such a bright and promising future, but his jealousy is smothering.
It’s comforting to know he cares so deeply for me. It is. And maybe that’s why I’m having a hard time with it. Nobody’s ever cared enough to be jealous. As nice as it is to know he feels so strongly, his physical reaction scares me. He’s never really hurt me, but he hovers this very fine line. Maybe this is the reason I shot down all his requests to have sex, insisting we take it slow. Something about Loden is unnerving.
I just need some time.
Maybe I’m overreacting.
I don’t know.
The first thing I do on the first day of my new freedom is go see Chase. Park and Guy have both moved out of the dorms and it’s so strange to be coming here without them. I knock and for some reason, my stomach churns nervously as I wait.
I shake my head. I know exactly why I’m nervous. I’ve barely spoken to him in the past six months. Loden pretty much forbade me, and I understood his concern, so I complied, keeping my distance.
But Loden’s not here.
The door opens and a guy—Chris, I think—holds it wide.
“Is Chase here?” I ask as I slide past him.
“In his room,” he says. I thank him and hurry to Chase’s bedroom before I change my mind.
“He isn’t going to hear you over his music,” Chris calls as I raise my hand to knock. My brows furrow in confusion. I don’t hear any music. Chris gestures to his ears. “Headphones. Just go in. He’s alone.”
I turn back to the door and stare at it, unsure. Maybe I should just leave. It’s been so long…But I kind of miss him. I take a breath, holding it as I turn the handle slowly with resolve, and peek into his dimly lit room.
He’s stretched out on his bed, his long legs crossed at the ankles, his feet bare. One arm is resting under his head, pulling his shirt up a few inches onto his tight stomach where his bass is perched, the fingers of his other hand plucking smoothly along the strings. My eyes trail over his form, stopping finally on his face. He’s looking at me, his gaze glued to my face, his lips parted in surprise.
I shut the door behind me and he sits up, pushing the headphones onto his neck, and propping the bass against his nightstand.
“Hey?” He says it unsure, like he’s asking a question.
“Hi.”
His eyebrows raise slightly, an unspoken question. He’s wondering why I’m here.
I clear my throat softly. “I was in the neighborhood,” I say lightly.
He smirks at me, his eyes crinkling with amusement. “You’re always in the neighborhood.”
I tug my iPod out of my pocket and climb onto the end of his bed. This is the only thing I can think of that will make sense to Chase. Music. If anything, it’ll distract him. I don’t know why I’m here, other than I just want to be. I push one bud into my ear, the cord trailing between us as I hand him the iPod.
“Pick one of your shitty songs and explain to me why the hell you like this music.”
He grins and I relax, leaning back against the wall as he chooses a song.
14
Absolute
Chase
Since the day Annie showed up at my dorm room, we’ve spent a lot of time together. It was weird at first because I didn’t understand why, after months of ignoring me, she was suddenly coming around. Not that I’m complaining. As weird as her sudden appearance was, it was also comfortable and welcome.
I finally ended up getting a mumbled, generic explanation about she and Loden taking a “break.” I had no idea what that meant and really didn’t give a shit, because Annie was back. That’s all that mattered.
We’ve spent the time going to movies, out to eat, and hitting local parties. There have been weeks that I’ve seen her more than Guy and Park. And I’m…I’m good with that.
Annie scoots into the passenger seat and drops her purse between her feet. “Are you drinking tonight?”
“Probably not. Why?”
“Oh, good.” She smiles and sighs as she leans her head back against the seat. “I need to get drunk.”
I cock a brow and grin. “Rough day?”
She shrugs, not elaborating. “Are we going to Guy’s?”
“No. Park and Jessie’s. Hope said there’s a little party going on over there.”
“Oh. She didn’t call me,” Annie says softly. I glance over at her and she’s staring out the window, hiding her face from my view.
“I told her I’d bring you.”
Annie turns to regard me, a smirk turning up the corners of her lips. I shift my eyes away from her mouth and watch the road. “How’d you know I’d definitely come along?”
“You haven’t turned down one of my invites so far this summer.” I nod at her knowing expression. “You and Loden should take breaks more often,” I add.
She shifts in her seat and I know I shouldn’t have mentioned him. He’s like this dark cloud hovering over our heads. I don’t know how long their break will last. Is it just while he’s away for the summer? Or is it permanent?
I park at the curb and head around the car for Annie’s door, but she hops out before I get there. She gazes up at the apartment building and I take the opportunity to look at her. Her hair is smooth and stick straight, hanging down her back. There isn’t a lock out of place and for some reason that makes me smile. She adjusts her shirt, running her fingers over the front from below her breasts to the hem. Then she repeats the gesture, this time with her hair.
When she glances at me, I raise my eyebrows and look at her expectantly. “Ready?”
Her cheeks flame as she nods. “Yeah.”
I chuckle and touch her arm, right above the elbow, guiding her toward the door. From my peripheral vision, I notice her peer down at my hand against her and then up at me. I refuse to acknowledge her. I keep walking, climbing the steps.
The apartment door opens as soon as we hit the landing and Hope practically attacks Annie, pulling her in for a hug. Annie freezes, surprised, her arms stiff at her sides for several seconds before she slowly lifts them, returning the hug. Even I’m taken aback by the gesture. Hope’s never been the huggie type.
“I’ve missed you,” Hope whispers.
“Me too,” Annie says, her voice tight, either from emotion or because Hope’s cutting off her air, not sure which.
I clear my throat obnoxiously, but seriously. What am I? Chopped freaking liver? I throw my arms out when Hope eyes me over Annie’s shoulder. “Where’s my love?”
Laughing, Hope releases Annie and steps in, wrapping her tiny arms around my waist. “Don’t worry, I’ve missed you the most.”
I pat her back, chuckling lightly. “Of course you have. I’m awesome.”
Annie snorts and I na
rrow my eyes at her. “Awesomely stupid.”
Hope heads back to the door, shaking her head. “Do you guys ever stop?”
“What’s that?” I ask Annie, pointing at her face, and ignoring Hope’s comment. Annie’s hand shoots up to her face quickly, searching.
“What? Where?”
I take a step, bringing me closer to her, my chest grazing hers as I lower my head. “You’re jealousy is showing.”
She glares at me, pivoting on her heel. “Jealous of what?” she throws over her shoulder. “Your stupidity? Or your dumb haircut? Or maybe,” she continues, pausing halfway through the threshold, “your ability to drive me insane?”
I grin at her and she rolls her eyes. “Hope likes me more,” I sing.
Annie scoffs. “She just said that to make you feel better.”
I hear Hope’s voice filter into the hallway. “I hate you both equally.”
I squeeze past Annie, my front pressing into hers as I wiggle between her and the doorframe. “Now you pissed her off,” I murmur into her ear. I go for teasing, but my breath hitches as our bodies touch, and it comes out slow and whispered. Her eyes flick up to mine, her lips parting, before she drops her head and pushes past me.
I’m trying to come up with something to say to diffuse whatever the hell that was that just happened when someone screams. I see Guy and Jessie run past the kitchen. The music cuts off in the living room. I move toward the panicked voices, Annie’s eyes meeting mine in question.
Jessie, Park’s roommate, flies around the corner. “Mason, Chase,” he pants, his expression grim. “Some guys jumped Park down in the parking lot. Lucy said they beat the hell out of him.”
~*~
I’m leaning against the wall outside Park’s hospital room with half the people who were at the party. All the people closest to Park. Two nurses have asked us to clear the hall, pointing in the direction of the waiting room. We ignored both of them. Park went down for some head scan or something. We aren’t going anywhere until he’s back.
My eyes trail Annie as she paces back and forth in front of me, her hands clasped together. Back and forth. Back and forth.
I close my eyes, shutting out her endless pattern, and my thoughts drift. How could anybody do something like this? How can a human being use his bare hands and beat another person to within an inch of their life?
Park may not make it through this.
I inhale sharply, my breath shuddering, and my eyes snapping open with the thought. He’s one of my closest friends. He can’t…
Back and forth. Back and forth.
“Can you stop?” I hiss. “Annie. Stop. Sit down.” Just sit the fuck down. Please.
“I can’t sit down,” she murmurs, her voice so quiet, I nearly miss it.
“Then stand. I don’t give a shit. But stop pacing.” I suck in a quick breath, trying to calm down. “It’s driving me crazy,” I utter.
Her eyes, wide and scared, rake over me slowly, carefully, and I feel like the biggest asshole. She’s as freaked out as I am. Shit. As we all are.
“I’m not good at this,” she breathes.
Seeing her like this, helpless and scared, it makes my stomach clench. “Come here,” I demand, needing her close. Needing to make this right. She takes two hesitant steps, putting herself in front of me and I hold out my fist.
“What?” she asks, confused.
“Rock, paper, scissors.” She doesn’t remember, I realize. But when we were younger, and her mom first married Guy’s dad, we fought over everything. From what we watched on TV to what music we listened to down to what board game to play. Annie and I always disagreed, mostly because I always chose the exact opposite of whatever she wanted just to piss her off.
We settled it with rock, paper, scissors.
“Why?”
“Because I said. Come on.” I smack my fist into my palm. Her gaze lifts from my hands to my eyes and I see it. That flicker of memory.
“But…what are we playing for?”
She remembers. I grin.
“For fun.”
Annie lifts her hand, mirroring my position as she shakes her head. “Rock, paper, scissors, shoot,” she says, her voice even, soft.
I go with rock because Annie is so incredibly predictable. She always chose scissors first.
I raise my fist above my head triumphantly. “Rock beats scissors,” I say, smiling widely at her.
She smiles, shaking her head once again. And something inside feels lighter. I made her feel better.
“Again?”
She nods, trying to hide her growing grin by rolling her eyes. But it’s too late. I saw it. And she isn’t pacing. Mission accomplished. I’d pat my own back if I weren’t in the middle of an exciting game.
15
Say (All I Need)
Annie
I’m in my room, getting ready for Chase to pick me up. We’re going to see Park’s band play. It’s a special show. Park’s first since he was released from the hospital last month. I pause as that thought registers. Loden will be back soon.
This summer has flown by much too quickly. I’ve been so busy I haven’t really had time to think much about Loden. We haven’t even talked this summer.
Now it’s just a few more weeks before he comes back for school and I’m nervous. Nervous what will happen between us. Nervous what he’ll do if he finds out I’ve been spending most of my time with Chase.
Chase, of all people. I swallow tightly. He can’t find out.
I just finish changing when my new roommate, Hannah, comes bouncing into the room with a basket of laundry. She’s small and energetic with shoulder-length, dark hair, and the widest, most innocent green eyes I have ever seen. And she’s much nicer than Gretchen. She smiles a lot, though she hasn’t talked to me much over the summer. I’m not sure I ever saw Gretchen smile—not once in the whole year we roomed with each other. She had been more of a frowner, prone to scowling.
I learned pretty quickly that Hannah’s innocent appearance is just that. Appearance. She smiles at me as she pulls freshly laundered sheets from the basket. Her phone rings, and while she’s in the middle of placing her baby blue sheets on her bed, she puts it on speaker. Then she and her boyfriend proceed to have phone sex. After my mouth drops open, I decide it’s as hilarious as it is awkward, because Hannah’s in sweats, struggling to make her bed the entire time she’s laying out this elaborate, erotic scene for him.
I press my lips together to keep from laughing as I slide my ear buds into place. I turn the music up until it’s loud enough to drown out her breathy, whimpering, voice. And I wonder, could I ever be like that? Be that carefree to have phone sex? I can’t imagine Loden ever participating in it. It goes against that perfect image we silently try to maintain. I bite down on my lip as I imagine doing that with Chase. My cheeks heat because I can envision it clearly. Too clearly.
My phone lights up on the dresser and I scoop it up quickly. It’s a text from Chase saying he’ll be here in thirty minutes. I’m grinning as I type my reply—which is something about him not being able to count that high—when I look into the mirror and see Loden standing in the open doorway.
He’s back. Early.
I pluck the ear buds out, letting them fall. Hannah discreetly ducks past him, closing the door behind her as he moves purposefully to stand before me.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he breathes, wrapping his arms around me.
I don’t say anything for several seconds, still shocked he’s here. “I missed you, too,” I whisper finally.
His arms tighten and he hugs me firmly to his chest. “I’m so sorry. I know I can be a jealous asshole, but I’m going to work on it. Tell me we’re okay.”
I close my eyes, trying to think. My heart is racing. I have fun with Chase. I do. I really, really do. But Loden…he’s my future.
“I love you, Annie. I need you. Tell me.”
My breath hitches. I open my eyes and nod. “We’re okay.”
Lod
en steps back, holding me at arm’s length as he grins at me. “Let’s celebrate. I’ll take you out to dinner.” He pulls me back in as he adds, “And then we can go dancing.” His voice has gone husky and I know he’s remembering our first date.
“O-okay,” I agree. “I need to finish getting ready.”
He looks at me then, his eyes trailing down my body, taking in the dress I put on for Park’s show. “Were you going somewhere?”
I shake my head stiffly. “Nope. Just a late start today.”
“All right,” he says, his brows drawing together. “I’ll be back in an hour. I need to run home to the new place real quick. Be ready.” He kisses me gently and then walks out of my room with a smile. I slump against the dresser as I pick up my phone and text Chase.
This is for the best.
Hannah comes back in, still on her phone. I watch her in the mirror as she lies back on her now made bed. She’s happy and relaxed. I sigh. No. There is no way I could ever have that
kind of relationship with Loden.
16
Fade Into You
Chase
I open the passenger side door and offer my hand. Kayla takes it with a smile. She interlocks her fingers with mine and we walk that way, hand in hand, toward the restaurant.
I met Kayla through Ella—back before Ella thought I was going to accost her dog. At the time, I had been interested in Ella and barely noticed Kayla. Then she turned up in my Lit class this semester and we started talking. Annie disappeared on me again and it doesn’t take a scientist to figure out the Loden equation. When she was dating him, she stopped hanging out with everybody. They broke up for the summer and she started coming around. Loden comes back, and Annie’s MIA once again.
Kayla’s a good distraction. I like her. She’s nice and she’s sexy as hell. But there’s something about her that holds me back from making this exclusive in the way she wants.