CHAPTER 6
THEO SAT IN THE back of the swaying ambulance, holding Juneau’s hand and talking to her reassuringly. He was thrilled that they actually let him into the ambulance this time. Normally, the paramedics wouldn't allow anyone else into the back. But Juneau was in such distress, and she got more upset when they were separated. The paramedic wisely decided that it was best if Theo could stay with her and keep her calm. That would help her to breathe more easily and survive this reaction.
“You don’t know what set her off?” the paramedic monitoring Juneau’s vital signs questioned.
“No, I can’t figure it out. We didn’t have anything to eat except what she brought for herself, so that should have been safe. And I didn’t eat anything unsafe before kissing her.”
Theo watched, enthralled, as the paramedic working over Juneau; constantly monitoring her vital signs, making sure that the IV and oxygen were unimpeded. Generally trying to make sure that she survived the trip to the hospital.
“The way she’s breathing,” the paramedic said, half to himself, "I wonder if she inhaled something. It seems to be more her lungs than her throat.”
“She has asthma,” Theo advised.
“I could tell that from the wheeze. Her inhaler should have worked. I think,” he listened again to Juneau’s lungs, “her throat is swelling too.” He looked anxiously out the window to see where they were. “We’ve got to get her help soon.”
“What about intubating her?” Theo suggested.
“We should. But we’ll have to stop to do it, and that will mean a longer time getting to the hospital.”
“Why do you have to stop?” Theo questioned.
“It’s just policy. They don’t want us perforate anything because of the ambulance moving.”
“But you could do it with the ambulance still moving, couldn’t you?” Theo persisted, stroking Juneau’s hair and giving her a reassuring smile.
“Well, I could,” the paramedic hedged.
“Don’t you think you’d better do it, before it swells up too much to get a tube down? I mean, better intubating her in the ambulance than having to do a trache.”
The medic scowled at this. He looked searchingly at Juneau, making his decision.
“Miss… I’m going to go ahead and intubate,” he told her. "It should ease your breathing a lot. Okay?”
Juneau’s eyes went to Theo, and he nodded.
“We really should, Juneau,” he agreed. "It’s the best choice right now. You’re not getting enough oxygen,” he told her, looking at the dusky pallor of her lips and the oxygen sats on the machine monitoring her vitals.
Looking frightened, Juneau nodded.
“Okay. I’m going to put you under,” the paramedic said. "You won’t feel anything.”
Theo watched in fascination, his own heart racing with adrenalin, while the paramedic sedated Juneau, put restraints across her, and proceeded to thread the tube down her throat.
“How long did it take you to learn to do that?” he questioned.
The man shrugged, listening to Juneau’s breathing now that the tube was in.
“It’s just a matter of practice,” he said. "On dummies to start with, then you work your way up to live patients.”
“Have you ever perforated an airway?”
The paramedic looked at him for a moment, not answering. Then he shrugged and looked down at Juneau. He continued to monitor Juneau without speaking to Theo.
At the hospital, Ursula arrived first, with Crispin and Meggy in tow, and Abe got there ten minutes later. Theo and Ursula were conversing in low voices at Juneau’s bedside. The children were playing with strips of paper over the air vent by the window, used to hospital trips and having to entertain themselves for extended periods. Abe burst into the room.
“Why do you keep trying to poison my daughter?” he demanded, hair awry, his face tight with anger. “Why is it every time I turn around you’re sending her to the hospital? What kind of a sicko are you?”
Theo looked shocked. Ursula tried to quiet Abe.
“Abe, Juneau is sleeping. And you’ll disturb the other patients. Theo didn’t do anything-”
“I want Theo to stay away from our daughter! She wasn’t having this many incidents before he showed up. What do you want with her, anyway? Go find someone your own age. An adult, not a kid.”
“Sir,” Theo said calmly, "I really like Juneau. I realize I’m older than her, but it doesn’t bother her. I’m more mature, I can take care of her better-”
“You’re not taking care of her! You’re trying to kill her!” Abe raged.
Ursula interposed herself between them, afraid that they might come to blows.
“Abe, it’s not the appropriate place-”
“What do you think some young punk sixteen or seventeen year old would have done if they’d been there when Juneau collapsed today?” Theo demanded. “They would have freaked out, and she would have been on her own. Maybe dead. I stayed calm. I got an ambulance. I stayed with her and kept her quiet so that she could breathe better. I helped the paramedic in the ambulance.” He took a breath, shaking his head. “I’ve been by her side the whole time. I would never do anything to hurt Juneau.”
“What did she react to this time? What did you give her? Or did you kiss her again, with something on your lips?
“We don’t know what she reacted to,” Ursula said, in a calming voice. “They think it might have been inhaled, since she had both an asthma attack and anaphylaxis at the same time. It probably wasn’t anything she ate - or kissed.”
“I don’t want him around Juneau any more. He’s a… a charlatan, and a… a murderer. He’s not to be around Juneau anymore!”
“Okay, Abe,” Ursula said soothingly. "We’ll talk about it, and we’ll discuss it with Juneau. But this is not the place, or the way to handle it. Think of the trauma that Theo has been through. He’s upset, and you’re upset.”
“I haven’t done anything to hurt Juneau,” Theo maintained. “You’re just being para-” he stopped mid-word, blanching. “You’re being overprotective. You’re worried about your daughter, and that’s perfectly natural.”
Ursula looked at Abe, her expression masked.
“Theo, you’d better go,” she advised. “I’ll let you know when Juneau wakes up, and how she’s doing. But for now…”
Theo considered this, and then he nodded and walked out. Abe moved closer to Juneau’s bedside, paying attention to her for the first time. He bent down and took her face in his hands, and kissed her gently. He glanced quickly over his shoulder to make sure that Theo was really gone.
“You keep him away,” he told Ursula. “He’s going to end up killing her." He lowered his voice. "I see him driving around all the time, looking for trouble…”
“He’s a delivery driver,” Ursula said, her words tight and clipped. She was frustrated and overwhelmed trying to deal with Abe’s issues on top of Juneau’s disastrous date. “Of course you see him driving around. But he isn’t out looking for trouble. He’s doing his job.”
“Theo wants to hurt her. He enjoys seeing her hurt or sick. He gets off on it.”
“You’re being ridiculous, Abe. Drop it.”
“I’m just trying to protect our daughter,” he pleaded. “Please promise you won’t let him near her.”
“I can’t watch Juneau twenty-four hours a day. Even if I forbade her, and didn’t let Theo come to the house any more, I couldn’t stop her from going out to see him. She’s a big girl, and if you try to step between her and her boyfriend, she will chase after him harder. If you want to end this relationship, you’re going to have to wait until she decides it's over. You can’t force her.”
“I can,” Abe muttered.
“Abe…”
Ursula trailed off, and after a minute Abe looked at her, shaking his head slightly.
“What?” he prodded.
“Abe… do you think you might be acting a bit paranoid? Maybe we should look at having your medicatio
n adjusted.”
Abe shook his head, frowning.
“There’s nothing paranoid about wanting to protect my baby girl. That’s perfectly natural.”
“Yes,” Ursula allowed, “but coming in here screaming that he’s poisoning her, that he’s trying to hurt her… you don’t think that might be a little over the top?”
“I’m angry, Urs. I don’t want her to get hurt any more. I’m trying to protect her.”
“I’d like you to talk to Doctor Venner about it, alright? Just… make sure that you’re okay. You’ve been under a lot of stress, and that can change things, can’t it?”
“I have an appointment next week,” Abe said, flapping his hand. “I’ll ask him then.”
“Are you having any other symptoms than you’ve noticed? Any… voices or anything?”
Abe didn’t answer at once. He stroked Juneau’s cheek gently.
“I’ve had a lot on my mind,” he said obliquely. “Lots of stuff going on in my head.”
“Does that mean yes?”
He shook his head testily.
“I’ll talk to Dr. Venner.”
Ursula was silent, considering this.
“Daddy?” Crispin interposed, as he and Meggie took in the lull in the shouting and approached. “Can we go to the cafeteria? Will you take us for a walk while Mom stays with Juneau?”
Abe pushed his hair back from his forehead shakily, as if exhausted after a long, hard run. He looked at Ursula, and she shrugged and raised her eyebrows, clearly conveying ‘if you want to’. Abe nodded.
“Sure, Bud. Let’s see if they’ve got anything good today.”
Dr. Venner handed Abe a sheaf of prescriptions.
“Okay, Abe. I’m a little concerned about your emerging symptoms. I understand the extra stress is causing you problems. So let’s increase the anti-anxiety dosage. It sounds like the bipolar and the schizophrenia are not quite controlled, so I’ve increased the lithium and antipsychotics. This one,” he showed Abe the prescription, "is to be taken before bed. If you can get a better night’s sleep, I suspect your symptoms will ease up quite a bit. I’ve added one last prescription to the cocktail,” Venner again showed Abe the form. “A lot of people with co-morbid bipolar and paranoia are having good results with it, and I’m hoping it will help.”
Abe took the prescriptions dubiously, the corners of his mouth tugging down.
“I’ll rattle when I walk,” he commented.
“Not much more than you do already! We may have to tweak it a bit. Make an appointment with Marjorie to come back and see me in ten days to two weeks. We’ll review then and see what adjustments need to be made. We’ll get you feeling more stable again.”
Abe nodded and didn’t say anything.
“Take care, my friend,” Dr. Venner said earnestly, patting Abe on the arm. “I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.”
Abe slowly left the examination room. Still clutching the prescriptions in one hand, he paid his bill and set up the appropriate follow-up appointment. Head down, he walked to the nearby pharmacy.
Abe stood outside Metro Pharmacy and Gift Shop, ostensibly looking at the window display, but in reality, startled by his own reflection in the window glass. He was reluctant to go in and fill his prescriptions. The reflection in the glass was gaunt, hair wild, face pinched. He hardly recognized himself. Abe tried to smile, but he didn’t feel like smiling. When he did, he still didn’t recognize the window reflection.
“No wonder they think you did it,” he said aloud, to the stranger in the glass. “Just look at you.”
A woman walking past him, staring. Abe glowered at her retreating back.
“That’s right, you old bat, crazy guy standing here talking to himself. Better run away,” Abe said under his breath, shaking his head.
She looked back over her shoulder, and seeing him eying her, scurried away faster and crossed to the other side of the street, where she looked back at him one more time and hurried on.
Abe finally forced his feet to start moving and to carry him into the pharmacy. He handed the sheaf of prescription papers to the pharmacist, an older Asian man named Joe.
“Good day, Mr. VanRam,” Joe greeted respectfully, somewhat mangling even Abe’s nickname with his accent. "Nice to see you again. A beautiful day out there today, is it not?”
Abe turned around part-way to glance out the window, even though he had just been outside.
“If you say so,” he concurred.
“Ah, you should go out and get in a nice walk while I fill these for you. It always helps to clear the head,” Joe tapped his temple. “Get some fresh air and a little exercise in.”
“Sure,” Abe said laconically. “Why don’t I do that. Half an hour?”
“Yes, I will have this ready for you in thirty minutes,” Joe agreed.
Abe nodded and took his leave. He started out on a walk, but felt exhausted and stopped to rest on a bench near the river. He watched the waterfowl swimming on the water, the walkers and joggers passing by, some of them with dogs and some not. It was a warm, fall afternoon, with no hint of winter in the air. Maybe Halloween would be nice for the kids to go out trick-or-treating this year. Abe closed his eyes and rubbed his temples.
He was so tired. So very tired. Yet every night when he tried to go to sleep, the voices came. They buzzed around in his brain and refused to be silenced. The voices told him that he was in trouble. That he couldn’t escape. That he had made mistakes during the day that needed to be rectified right away. They reminded him of all that he needed to do tomorrow, and would not let him get the rest he needed. Abe would wait until he was sure that Ursula was asleep, and then he would get up again. He cleaned the house or went to the kitchen and cooked. He probably had the cleanest house and best fed family in creation. All in an effort to silence the voices and keep the demons away. Sometimes he went for a walk, but he knew that Ursula really didn’t like him to be wandering the streets in the dark. So most of the time, Abe forbore, and worked around the house. But sometimes it was just too much, and he was too anxious to sit still, or stay indoors, and he would go out on a long, late-night ramble.
Ursula asked Abe every morning how he had slept, and he would answer in general terms. Abe never revealed to her exactly how little sleep he was getting, or that sometimes he was leaving the house at night. That would worry her unnecessarily, and he was already worrying enough for both of them. Ursula had enough worries with the little that she knew. She had enough to worry about with the kids issues, especially Juneau’s, and keeping bread - or whatever delicacy Abe whipped up - on the table. Abe didn’t handle the home’s finances, and although he brought in a good paycheck, he wondered whether his salary covered more than his prescriptions and medical bills. It was a good thing that Ursula made good money.
With the lazy afternoon sunshine in his eyes, Abe nodded off to sleep on the uncomfortable park bench. It was crazy that he couldn’t sleep in the warm, soft bed, but could fall asleep in a park bench or the seat of his car without even trying. Crazy was the word for it.
When Abe awoke, the sun was low in the sky, and the air was getting chilly. It was obvious that he had been asleep for quite some time. Had somebody drugged him? He never slept like that. Abe retraced his steps back to the pharmacy, which was locking up. He knocked on the door.
“I have to get my prescriptions,” he said through the glass. “Joe was getting my prescriptions ready. It will only take a minute, I promise.”
The clerk came over and opened the door, letting him in, shaking her head at him being so late and still expecting service.
“Thank you,” Abe told her. "Thank you very much. I won’t be a minute.”
He hurried to the pharmacy in the back. Joe was also cleaning things up and shutting up for the night.
“Joe!”
“Ah, Mr. VanRam! I thought you weren’t coming back! Did you go home?”
“No, no, I fell asleep. I’m sorry. What time is it?”
“Seve
n o’clock.”
“Oh hell, am I in trouble.”
Joe giggled, finding this amusing.
“Mrs. VanRam, she not get you in trouble, does she?” he inquired.
“Hell yeah, Mrs. VanRam gets me in trouble,” Abe said with a forced laugh. “She’s a barracuda, that one.”
“Well, here are your prescriptions, all ready,” Joe said helpfully, picking up a paper bag full of pill bottles and putting it on the counter. “So you can go and you not have to get in trouble with Mrs. VanRam.”
He rang up the bill, and Abe winced at the total, but paid it. He picked up his bag and made a beeline for his car, and sped home. It was dark when he arrived, and when he saw Ursula’s face, he knew she was not impressed. She stood at the kitchen sink, washing up the supper dishes.
“If you want something to eat,” she said tightly, "there is spaghetti in the fridge.”
“Urs, I’m sorry,” Abe said. "I lost track of time. I was at the doctor’s, and then the pharmacy. I had to wait while Joe filled my order, and I fell asleep watching the ducks. I didn’t mean to. I had no idea that I would fall asleep, or I wouldn’t have even sat down. I’m sorry, Ursa.”
She blew out her breath loudly.
“Why don’t you go tell Crispin and Meggie good night,” she suggested.
Abe put his shopping bag on the counter.
“Did you get new prescriptions?” she questioned.
“Yes, that’s why I was at the pharmacy.”
“No, I mean, did you get anything new? Or did he change anything?”
Abe nodded.
“He increased just about everything, and gave me some new ones too.”
“Oh, good. I hope that will help.”
Abe nodded.
“I’ll sort them later, okay? Leave them on the counter, and you take a break.”
“I will as soon as I finish the dishes.”
He hugged her gently from behind, trying to convey his love and regret, the sincerity of his words.
“I’m sorry, honey,” he apologized. “I didn’t mean to be so late and make you worry. I swear it was an accident. It won’t happen again.”
She stayed still in his arms for a moment, and then she pulled away from him and continued to wash up, blowing her breath out.
“Go say good night to the little ones, and see how Juneau is feeling. She was a little bit off tonight, but it might just have been because she was worried about you. And if you’re falling asleep on park benches, you should head to bed early. Maybe we both will.”
“Okay. See you up there,” he agreed.
Abe went upstairs to tuck the younger children in and tell them bedtime stories. He peeked in at Juneau, sitting at her desk doing homework.
“Hey, pumpkin,” he greeted softly. “How are you?”
“Daddy! Are you okay? We were so worried!”
“I’m fine. I’m sorry for being late. If you’ll believe it, I fell asleep at the park. Watching the ducks.”
“Mom and I were so worried.”
He entered her room and gave her a gentle squeeze.
“No need to worry about me. I’m perfectly all right.”
She frowned at him, her brows drawing down.
“You aren’t really, though, are you?” she questioned. “I know I’m not supposed to say anything about it. We’re supposed to let you work things out on your own and not ask you questions. But you’re really not okay, are you?”
Abe swallowed a lump in his throat, his eyes burning.
“As long as I’ve got all of you to support me, I’m fine,” he said huskily.
Juneau sighed and looked back at her school work.
“Well, maybe now that you’re home, I can focus. I’m doing awful in English this year. Everything has been so crazy- so disrupted. Between me getting sick and being in hospital, and you falling asleep on park benches, I can’t seem to make any sense of it.”
“Do you want me to read to you?” Abe offered, looking over her books.
“No. You’d better spend some time with Mom. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Okay, boss. What do you want for breakfast?”
“Hash browns.”
“Patties or home-style?”
“Patties.”
“Onions or no onions?”
“I’d better not have onions before school.”
“Why, are you afraid you might be kissing boys? You’d better not be kissing boys.”
“Not in first period,” Juneau teased. "Too early in the morning.”
After Ursula fell asleep, Abe went down to the kitchen. The bag of prescriptions was sitting out on the counter. He got out his pillboxes, arranged by day of week and time of day, and opened them all. He dumped the previous prescriptions, and tossed out the remaining bottles of old prescriptions. Abe opened the new prescription bottles one at a time, read the dosing instructions, and painstakingly distributed them into the boxes. All except for the next day’s pills. He really wanted to take a break, just for one day. They made it harder to focus. It was like trying to listen to the radio when it was slightly off the station. Or to sit through a long Christmas mass, when you really wanted to go home and get in bed. To get to sleep so you could open presents in the morning. On the meds, everything was muffled. Everything was harder, took more effort. Medications were supposed to make it easier for him to handle life. Instead, they just added an extra layer of complexity. With them it took longer to process and get things done. So Abe would take one day off. Just one.