Chapter Twelve
Ella closed her eyes while the countryside streamed by as they left her Gran’s place. Ross hadn’t said much—just polite interaction about the journey and the last few busy days getting everything in place before they left. She didn’t want to talk, either. The last time she’d visited her gran, she hadn’t felt such a heaviness leaving. A sinking sadness. Like half her heart being left behind in Mpumalanga. Why couldn’t they live closer? Her mom lived in Richards Bay so they saw each other often. But this time, she’d developed a special bond with her gran, even more so than ever. Maybe it was hearing Gran’s story about her stormy romantic history—a lot like her own, not finding the right man. Could she be the problem? Dirk was perfect from what she knew of him. Good looking, gentle, kind, decent conversation, sexy.
It was because she couldn’t say goodbye to Ross.
And the kiss in the barn hadn’t helped. She’d decided that night after the kiss, once she’d collapsed exhausted into bed, that it wouldn’t happen again so she’d kept her distance.
Chancing a glance at him driving next to her took her breath away. Since when did Ross cause her heart to do a painful twist every time she looked at him? A longing, an ache, a need so intense, it proved frightening. She looked down at his tight thighs against his man jeans and sexual arousal rose up ferociously in her. Saliva pooled in her mouth and she turned away, fire lighting up her whole body. She closed her eyes and the kiss replayed in her mind. She didn’t want to cut the memory of it away. It made her feel alive, dangerous, crazy. She wanted that feeling with all her being, except for the very sensible part of her that didn’t want to get hurt.
But would Ross really hurt her?
He’d been pretty withdrawn since that kiss. The flirtatiousness had fled. Had he regretted it, decided she didn’t kiss as well as he’d hoped? How could she relax and give all when he didn’t give his all? Even if she had decided to withdraw, if he really wanted her, wouldn’t he keep at it? Keep flirting like he’d done when he first arrived on the farm? Assure her his love was real?
The silence between them went on forever like the road back home.
Home. Could she do it? Go back to the routine after the last few weeks, a vastly different experience? Somehow, she’d thrived on the challenge of running the farm, of keeping her gran happy. The crazy cold weather and the country air had invigorated her. And that kiss? In the barn? The best of her life so far. She’d never forget it. Never let go of the memory that she’d kissed her best friend in a thunderstorm in a dark, dusty barn and experienced a sensory explosion that had rocked her core. That had stirred up in her a need so vast and so unquenchable. Or so it felt. She couldn’t look at him the same way anymore. Their friendship as it stood was over. It was all or nothing now. And she couldn’t do either. She was well and truly screwed.
She squeezed her eyes shut. And how on Earth would she work with The Album now? As much as it meant so much more to her knowing Gran had given it to her, she couldn’t lie anymore about her fear of playing god with people’s lives. An errant tear escaped from her eyes despite them being closed tight.
“Ella.”
She popped her eyes open at the concern in his voice.
“What’s wrong?”
Ross gazed at her, warmth and kindness in his face. Her heart did another painful twist. How could she say goodbye to him?
“I-I can’t do it anymore.”
“Do what?” He went pale and his knuckles reddened as he gripped the steering wheel.
No, she couldn’t turn him away now. After all he’d done for her. She’d have to come up with a plan to end the friendship without ripping his heart out of his chest. If he cared that much.
“I can’t play god anymore with people’s lives.”
He let out a breath but glanced back at her, still carrying that concerned face blended with a male protectiveness. “The Album?”
“Do you know that Gran gave it to me? She’d dreamed of using it herself but never did. Uncle Stan left it to her.”
“Oh, that could explain the mystery somewhat. So, why do want to give up so soon?”
She stared at him, aware her mouth had gaped open. “What? You hated The Album. Hated the whole business idea.”
“I did, but now I can see it may be the right thing for you.”
“How?”
“You enjoy making people happy. I saw at the farm how you thrived on helping your gran, even the labourers sometimes. You’re at your best in those moments.”
She smiled. Ross had always been extremely perceptive at reading people. He’d probably be better at using The Album than she but she could never imagine him doing it. The idea brought a giggle to her lips, sending a sceptical look from him her way. “I’m trying to imagine you using The Album.”
He scowled at her. “Saying I’m not altruistic.”
“No, you are in your own way. With a select few. Your charity doesn’t spread far and wide, but gets concentrated very intensely on a couple of people or just one person at a time.”
Oh, bother. Why did she say that?
“Do you have a problem with that?” A muscle in his jaw twitched.
How could she answer that without hurting him or revealing her true but very confused feelings?
Silence again. Painful, heart-crimping silence. Break it somehow.
“So you think I should continue with The Album?” She tried to sound upbeat, as though their conversation hadn’t just taken a dangerous detour.
He nodded. “You need it.”
“But I feel like I’m changing people’s lives, the planet’s destiny, forever. What if I make the wrong decision and match up a couple who seem happy together but cause evil upon the earth or give birth to an evil child?”
“Do you think people are born evil?” he asked.
“Well, I don’t know. Don’t they say serial killers are born with some genetic weakness or glitch in their brain that makes them do those things? Like someone born dyslexic or bipolar.”
“I’m not so sure people are born bipolar. Isn’t it related to diet and lifestyle, circumstances, a compilation of many factors, including genetics?”
“Why are you so logical all the time?”
He shrugged and offered her a proud grin. Her fingers itched to touch his thigh, to stroke up and down the length of those muscular legs. She swallowed and looked away.
“You know, things happen on this planet that are plain disgusting. A lot about this world is steeped in chaos and is pretty frightening. I think many of the things that happen or that people do are caused by so many factors converging. Bad, good, in between. Our little decisions can’t possibly affect the whole planet, could they?” he said.
“What about the theory that one butterfly wing flap can change world weather patterns or cause a massive hurricane?”
He laughed loud and she smiled at the release of tension.
“Where on earth did you hear that?”
“I don’t know. I read stuff. Magazines. Blogs.”
“But by worrying about every single decision you make, you’re actually trying to be more like God—control all the outcomes.”
“I don’t believe God controls everything. I mean, does he starve those kids in poor countries or did he cause Hurricane Katrina?”
“You have a point there.” He winked at her. “Hey, you’re helping people. Keep it simple. You’re giving them happiness. Life is so short anyway. Wouldn’t you want to play a part in making the journey more pleasurable?”
“But you said that I shouldn’t make it perfect for people, that they should experience hardship in love so they appreciate it when the right one comes along.”
He let out a shaky sigh. “I don’t know. I suppose some pain is best avoided.”
She looked away. What did he mean by that? Had she caused him so much pain? Maybe he’d thought more deeply about it since they’d first spoken about The Album. She liked that he didn’t brush her ideas off—that he pondered
them. Ross had so many good qualities. So why couldn’t she give him her whole heart?
“Okay, I’m going to give it another shot. I’m going to try this business out for six months more and then do an assessment after those six months to see if it’s working financially and for the people I’ve helped. I’ll even send out forms for them—like feedback forms. You and Pauline could design one.”
His shoulders and jaw tensed. She shouldn’t have mentioned Pauline.
“Look, I’m sorry I tried to match you with her. I won’t do that again. I think I upset you both.”
He nodded but didn’t look at her. Suppose he wanted more than an apology. He probably wanted her to say how jealous it had made her. He didn’t need to know that right now—might ignite another fire between them.
“We can design one together—you and I.”
Why did she just say that? The thought of poring over documents together, shoulders close and legs touching, sent her pulse into a drum roll.
He didn’t say a thing. What was he thinking? They thankfully drove into an Ultra-City stop and went in for a quick lunch and to fill up on fuel. Only a few more hours with Ross. Suddenly, she didn’t want to arrive home. He made the journey an adventure. Talking to him certainly put her life into perspective.