The house I lived in with Les.
I don’t hear another word after that.
Chapter Forty-four
* * *
One would think that finding my sister’s body was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
It wasn’t. The worst thing that ever happened to me came later that night, when I had to tell my mother her daughter was dead.
I remember pulling Les onto my lap, doing everything I could to make sense of what was happening. I tried to make sense of why she wasn’t responding. Why she wasn’t breathing or talking or laughing. It just didn’t make sense that someone could be here one minute, then the very next minute they’re not. They’re just . . . not.
I don’t know how long I held her. It could have been seconds. It could have been minutes. Hell, I was so out of it that it could have been hours. I just know that I was still holding her when the front door slammed shut downstairs.
I remember panicking, knowing what was about to happen. I was about to have to walk downstairs and look my mother in the eyes. I was about to have to tell her that her daughter was dead.
I don’t know how I did it. I don’t know how I let go of Les long enough to stand up. I don’t know how I found the strength to even stand. When I made it to the top of the stairs, she and Brian were removing their jackets. He took hers and turned around to hang it on the coatrack. She glanced up at me and smiled, but then she stopped smiling.
I began to walk down the stairs toward her. My body was so weak, I was taking them slowly. One at a time. Watching her the whole way.
I don’t know if she had mother’s intuition or if she could just tell by the look on my face what had happened, but she started to shake her head and back away from me.
I started to cry and she started to panic and she continued to back away from me until her back met the front door. Brian was looking back and forth between us, not understanding at all what was going on.
She turned around and gripped the doorframe, pressing her cheek against the door while she squeezed her eyes shut. It was like she was trying to shut me out. If she shut me out, she wouldn’t have to face the truth.
Her body was racked with grief and she was crying so hard, there wasn’t even a sound coming out of her mouth. I remember reaching the bottom step, watching her from where I was standing. Watching as she gave the word devastated a whole new meaning. I truly believed, at that point, that the word devastated should be reserved for mothers.
I no longer believe that.
The word devastated should be reserved for brothers, too.
• • •
“Les,” I whisper, turning away from Sky and her father. “Oh, God, no.” I press my head against the doorframe and grip the back of my neck with both hands. I begin to cry so hard that I’m not even able to make a sound. My chest hurts and my throat hurts, but my heart has just been completely obliterated.
Sky comes up behind me. She wraps her arms around me and tries to comfort me in whatever way she can, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel her and I can’t feel the devastation anymore because all I feel is this overwhelming amount of hatred and rage. I’m trying to refrain from lunging at him but I don’t think I have enough self-control. I wrap my arm around Sky and pull her against me, hoping her presence can help calm me, but it doesn’t. The only thing that could calm me would be knowing the man behind me is no longer breathing.
He’s the reason. He’s the reason for all of it.
He’s why Les isn’t here anymore. He’s what broke Hope. He’s the reason my mother knows the meaning of devastation. This bastard is who stole my sister’s strength away from her, and I want him dead. But I want to be the one to do it.
I remove my arm from around Sky and push her away from me. I turn to face her father, but she steps between us, facing me with pleading eyes, pushing against my chest. She knows what I want to do to him and she’s trying to push me out the door. I shove her out of the way because I don’t know what I’m capable of right now and I don’t want her to get hurt.
I begin to step toward him, but he reaches behind the couch, then quickly turns and holds up a gun. I honestly wouldn’t even care that he’s holding a gun, but my protective instinct kicks in when I think about Sky, so I pause. He pulls the radio to his mouth with his free hand, keeping his gun trained on me the entire time he speaks into it.
“Officer down at thirty-five twenty-two Oak Street.”
His words immediately register in my head and I realize what he’s about to do.
No.
No, no, no.
Not in front of Sky.
He turns his gun on himself, then looks at her. “I’m so sorry, Princess,” he whispers.
I close my eyes and reach for her the second he fires the gun at himself. I cover her eyes and she begins to scream hysterically. She pulls my hand from her eyes, right when he falls to the floor, causing her to scream even louder.
I clamp my hand over her mouth and immediately pull her out the front door. She’s too hysterical to carry right now, so I just drag her behind me.
The only thing running through my head at this point is how we need to get into the car. We need to get the hell out of here before anyone finds out we were ever here. Because if anyone finds out we were here, Sky’s world will never be the same.
When I reach the car I keep my hand clamped to her mouth and I press her back against her door, looking her hard in the eyes. “Stop,” I tell her. “I need you to stop screaming. Right now.”
She nods vigorously, wide-eyed. “Do you hear that?” I say, trying to get her to understand the ramifications of what could happen if we don’t leave right now. “Those are sirens, Sky. They’ll be here in less than a minute. I’m removing my hand and I need you to get in the car and be as calm as you can because we need to get out of here.”
She nods again so I remove my hand and quickly shove her into the car. I rush around to the driver’s side and climb in, then crank the car and pull away. She leans forward in the seat and drops her head between her knees. She keeps saying, “No, no, no” under her breath, all the way back to the hotel.
Chapter Forty-five
* * *
Once we’re back inside our hotel room, I walk her to the bed. She’s having one of her moments where she’s completely zoned out and I don’t do anything to bring her out of it. It’s probably best if she stays like this for a while.
I pull off my shirt, which is now covered in blood. I remove my socks and shoes and jeans and toss them all aside. I walk to where Sky is still standing and I remove her jacket. There’s blood all over her and I’m trying to hurry so I can get her in the shower and wash it off. She finally turns to face me with a blank expression. I lay her jacket across the chair next to us, then lift her shirt over her head.
I reach down to the button on her jeans and undo it, then begin to lower them. When I reach her feet, she just stands still. I look up at her. “I need you to step out of them, babe.”
She looks down at me and places her hands on my shoulders while I pull the jeans off her, one foot at a time. I feel her reach to my hair and brush her fingers through it. I toss her jeans aside and look back up at her. She’s shaking her head looking down at her hands, which are now moving frantically over her stomach. She’s smearing her father’s blood all over her stomach, attempting to wipe it off. She’s gasping for breath, trying to scream, but nothing’s coming out. I stand up and immediately pick her up, rushing her to the shower. I need to get this off her before she completely loses control.
I set her down in the shower and turn on the water. Once it’s warm, I close the shower curtain and pull her wrists away from her stomach. I wrap her arms around me and pull her against my chest, then turn her to where she’s standing under the stream of water.
As soon as the water splashes her face, she gasps and the clarity begins to return to her eyes.
I grab the soap and a washcloth, and rub them under the water, then turn and begin
wiping the blood off her face.
“Shh,” I whisper, staring her in the eyes. “I’m getting it off you, okay?”
She squeezes her eyes shut and I diligently wash away every speck of blood from her face. When she’s finally clean, I reach behind her in order to remove her ponytail holder.
“Look at me, Sky,” I say. She opens her eyes and I rest my hand reassuringly on her shoulder. “I’m going to take off your bra now, okay? I need to wash your hair and I don’t want to get anything on it.”
Her eyes grow wide with my words and she pulls her arms through the straps of her bra, then frantically rips it over her head.
“Get it out,” she says quickly, referring to the blood in her hair. “Just get it off me.”
I take her wrists again and wrap her arms around me. “I’ll get it. Hold on to me and try to relax. I’ll do it.”
I pour the shampoo into my hands and bring it to her hair. I have to wash it several times before the water finally runs clean. Once I’m finished washing her, I begin to wash my own hair. I get what I can but without being able to see myself, I don’t know if I’ve washed away everything. I don’t want to ask her to help me do this, but I have to make sure it’s all gone. “Sky, I need you to make sure I got it all, okay? I need you to wipe away anything I missed.”
She nods and takes the washcloth out of my hands. She eyes my hair and my back and my shoulders, then finally rubs the washcloth over my ear.
She pulls the washcloth away from me and looks down at it, running it under the stream of water.
“It’s all gone,” she whispers.
I take the washcloth and toss it onto the edge of the tub.
It’s all gone, I repeat in my head.
I wrap my arms around her and close my eyes. I can feel it building. The questions. The memories. All the times I held Les at night while she cried and I had no idea what he’d done to her. No idea what she’d been through.
I hate him. I fucking hate that he got away with it for so long. He got away with what he did to Sky, to his sister, to Les. And the worst part is, he’s not alive anymore for me to even be able to kill him.
Sky looks up at me and her eyes are full of sympathy. For a second I don’t understand it, but then I realize I’m crying . . . and that she’s just as sad for me as I am for her. Her shoulders begin to shake and a sob breaks free. She slaps her hand over her mouth and squeezes her eyes shut.
I pull her against my chest and kiss the side of her head.
“Holder, I’m so sorry,” she cries. “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry.”
I tighten my grip around her and press my cheek to the top of her head. I close my eyes and I cry. I cry for her. I cry for Les. I cry for myself.
She curls her arms up behind my shoulders, gripping me tightly, then she presses her lips against my neck. “I’m so sorry,” she says quietly. “He never would have touched her if I . . .”
I grab her by the arms and push her away from me so that I can look her in the eyes. “Don’t you dare say that.” I grab her face with both hands. “I don’t ever want you to apologize for a single thing that man did. Do you hear me? It’s not your fault, Sky. Swear to me you will never let a thought like that consume you ever again.”
She nods. “I swear.”
I continue to maintain eye contact with her, needing to know that she’s telling me the truth. This girl has done nothing that warrants an apology and I never want her thinking like that again.
She throws her arms around my neck, tears falling from both of us now. We hold each other tightly. Desperately. She kisses my neck repeatedly, wanting to reassure me in the only way she knows how.
I lower my lips to her shoulder and kiss her in return. She holds me tighter and I let her. I let her hold me as tight as she possibly can. I continue to kiss her neck and she continues to kiss mine, both of us working our way toward each other’s mouth. Before I reach her lips, I pull back and look into her eyes. She looks into mine and for once in my life, I can honestly say I’ve found the only other person in this world who understands my guilt. The only person who understands my pain. The only person who accepts that it’s who I am.
I used to think the best part of me died with Les, but the best part of me is standing right here in front of me.
In one swift movement, I crash my lips to hers and grip her by the hair. I push her against the shower wall and kiss her with so much conviction, I know she could never for a second doubt how much I love her. I slide my hands down her thighs and lift her up until she wraps her legs around my waist.
I press myself against her and continue kissing her, wanting to feel her, rather than the pain that’s trying to take over. I want nothing but to be a part of her right now and let everything else in our lives just fade away.
“Tell me this is okay,” I say as I pull away from her mouth and search her eyes. “Tell me it’s okay to want to be inside you right now . . . because after everything we’ve been through today, it feels wrong to need you like I do.”
She throws her arms around my neck and grasps my hair, pulling my mouth back to hers, showing me that she needs this just as much as I do. I groan and pull her away from the shower wall, then walk her out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. I drop her down onto the bed, then grab her panties and pull them down her legs. I crash against her mouth and pull off my boxers, which are now soaking wet. All I can think about is how much I need to be inside her right now. I pull apart from her long enough to get a condom on, then I grab her hips and pull her to the edge of the bed. I lift her leg to my side and slide my other arm underneath her shoulder.
She looks up at me and I look down at her. I grip her leg and her shoulder and keep my eyes trained on hers, then push into her. The second I’m inside her, it doesn’t feel like enough. I press my lips to hers and try to search for whatever it is that’s missing from the moment. I move in and out of her, more and more frantic with each thrust, trying desperately to reach a feeling that I don’t even know exists. She relaxes her body against mine, following my movements, allowing me to be in control.
But I don’t want that right now.
That’s what’s wrong with me.
My mind is so exhausted and so tired and my heart hurts so much right now. I just need her to help me figure out how to stop trying to be the hero for once.
I pull away from her and she looks up at me, never questioning why I’ve drastically slowed against her. She just brings her hands to my face and gently runs her fingers over my eyes and my lips and cheeks. I turn my mouth toward the inside of her palm and I kiss it, then drop down on top of her, stopping completely. I keep my gaze locked with hers and I pull her to me, then lift her up as I stand. I’m still inside her and she’s wrapped around me, so I turn my back to the bed and slide down to the floor. I lean forward and kiss her bottom lip softly, then her whole mouth.
I bring a hand to her cheek and drop the other to her hip. I begin to move beneath her, slowly guiding her with my hand, wanting her to just take control. I need her to want to comfort me the same way that I always want to comfort her.
“You know how I feel about you,” I whisper, staring into her eyes. “You know how much I love you. You know I would do whatever I could to take away your pain, right?”
She nods, never pulling her gaze from mine, even for a second.
“I need that from you so fucking bad right now, Sky. I need to know you love me like that.”
Her expression grows soft and her eyes fill with compassion. She laces our hands together and places them over our hearts. She strokes her thumb against my hand and lifts up slightly, then slowly glides back down me again.
The incredible sensation that rushes through my body causes my head to collapse against the mattress behind me. I groan, unable to keep my eyes open.
“Open your eyes,” she whispers, still moving against me. “I want you to watch me.”
I lift my head and watch her. It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever been asked to do,
because she’s fucking beautiful right now.
“Don’t look away again,” she says, lifting herself up. When she slides back onto my lap, I can barely keep my head up. Especially when that moan escapes her lips and she squeezes my hands even harder.
“The first time you kissed me?” she says. “That moment when your lips touched mine? You stole a piece of my heart that night.”
You stole a piece of mine, too.
“The first time you told me you lived me because you weren’t ready to tell me you loved me yet? Those words stole another piece of my heart.”
But I did love you. I loved you so much.
I open my hand and press it flat against her heart. “The night I found out I was Hope? I told you I wanted to be alone in my room. When I woke up and saw you in my bed I wanted to cry, Holder. I wanted to cry because I needed you there with me so bad. I knew in that moment that I was in love with you. I was in love with the way you loved me. When you wrapped your arms around me and held me, I knew that no matter what happened with my life, you were my home. You stole the biggest piece of my heart that night.”
I didn’t steal it. You gave it to me.
She lowers her mouth to mine and I drop my head back against the mattress and let her kiss me. “Keep them open,” she whispers, pulling away from my lips. I do what she says and somehow open my eyes again, looking directly into hers. “I want you to keep them open . . . because I need you to watch me give you the very last piece of my heart.”