When Peter hid his face in my neck as he moved deep inside me I held him tighter. When he moaned and cried out, I soothed him. When he pulled away from me with a hand on my sternum to hold me up, I met his glazed eyes with a smile. I could feel Peter needed me, so I gave everything I could.
After minutes in his arms, I felt Peter needed to come inside me, so I let him. I knew my cycle, and I knew I was okay. It was not an accident waiting to happen but a gesture of giving. I gave everything to him as he took solace from me in his pain.
And once he was finished taking what he needed, I stopped his sad apologies and kissed him into peace. I left him sitting quietly on the couch as I redressed, and cleaned myself up. I left him to recover while I thought of the gift I had given him when he needed me.
Walking back to my living room as I rejoined Peter he again attempted to apologize for being ‘sexually selfish’ as he put it, but I took his hand in mine and kissed him better. “I'll make it up to you later, I promise,” he moaned somewhat still shaken.
“You always care for me, Peter. So if you needed to screw the sadness out of you, I'm more than willing to help you,” I confirmed with a kiss.
And pausing, he nodded before he kissed me deeply trying very hard to shake away all the upset I could feel around him.
Eventually pulling away from me, Peter finally took in my clothing and whistled with a devilish grin. Telling me I looked edible helped. Telling me I was stunning made my heart melt. I knew he knew all of me, so a simple complement about my physical appearance always mattered. Peter never placated, or gave false compliments. He was honest and forthcoming, and just delicious in his suit as I stared back at him with a smile.
“You are absolutely gorgeous in red, Soph. So stay away from my uncle Max, okay? He's a perv and you look too good tonight,” he smirked.
“Okay, Peter. No Uncle Max. Anything else I should know?” I laughed.
Grinning, he admitted, “My sisters are going to be all over you, and I can't really stop them. They've been dying to meet you for months, so hopefully in such a large gathering, they'll be well behaved. Then again, they might corner you, so stick with me all night.”
“I planned on it,” I kissed him again. “You look very handsome in your suit, Peter. Do we really have to go out?” I teased.
“For an hour, at least. Then we can leave, and I'll properly love you later,” he said to my surprise, because that was by far the closest we had ever come to the actual words.
We both knew we loved each other desperately, but we had decided early on that the actual expression was too common and too overused for the way we truly felt for each other.
We knew we loved each other way past the definition of the word. We knew we were something so special the word love couldn’t possibly justify our beautiful relationship.
*****
Arriving at the hall by 7:30 I was impressed to see people everywhere, inside dancing and even outside smoking. Drinks were plentiful it seemed, and voices could be heard all around us.
Peter was repeatedly hugged by relatives and friends of the family, and I was introduced to countless people whose names I would never remember.
I met Uncle Max and nearly burst out laughing when he hugged me and Peter damn near growled. Even without the introduction I would have known the creepy perv anywhere. From the once over I received, to the nasty looking, come sit on my lap grin, I could tell he was a player and a pervert. So I quickly extracted myself from his hug, and leaned into Peter as his arm held me tighter to his side.
Walking around tons of people, I finally met Peter's very nice mother who hugged me and welcomed me to the family, followed by Peter’s father who was just as warm and friendly, but without the hug.
I met one of his sisters, Carrie, who was very pretty, and the brother-in- law I knew was the disliked one almost immediately, just by the way Peter’s demeanor changed as I was introduced to David. And minutes later as Peter and I walked halfway through the crowd of people I finally met the infamous sister Kara.
Kara was attractive, loud, friendly, and she demanded a certain amount of attention in the room just with her presence alone. In other words, I knew not to let her corner me throughout the night.
I also knew she didn't like me when we were introduced, but I couldn't understand why. Kara was perfectly pleasant, but there was an obvious tone I received as we spoke that suggested I was not as welcome as everyone else tried to make me feel. Kara didn’t like me, and though I was uncomfortable with that thought, I chose to ignore my surprised insecurity for Peter.
Eventually, after Kara was distracted by another conversation, Peter held my hand harder and walked us over to a table up front where I was greeted by a huge smile when I met the aunt and uncle for whom we were all celebrating.
Uncle Malcolm, I could tell, was a formerly handsome man, already in a wheelchair wilting in front of my eyes. He was lovely as we shook hands, and though I didn't know him at all, I felt the sadness of death all around him. He took my hand and kissed me welcome to his party even as Peter stayed still beside me. I was then introduced to Peter’s aunt Karen and I thought I was going to cry right then and there in front of her.
Karen placed her hand on Malcolm's shoulder, introduced herself, and asked if I was enjoying her party. She acted happy, but you could see the strain she felt when her eyes kept darting back to Malcolm. When he squeezed her hand on his shoulder, his hand visibly shook from holding it up, but he continued to hold her for as long as his dying body would allow.
Once the introductions were made, Karen beamed, “I’ve always wanted a party to say how fabulous I was, and I finally got it,” which made me grin.
“Yes you did, Aunt Karen. And you deserve it,” Peter finally spoke softly beside me.
Kissing her cheek, Peter seemed to be struggling more with Karen then even with the sight of Malcolm frail in his wheelchair.
“Peter... It's okay,” Malcolm said, but even I knew it wasn’t. “Go grab a drink for this lovely young lady and take her to the dance floor,” Malcolm finished as Peter nodded.
Taking my hand as we walked away, Peter had just one moment of pause when he looked back at his aunt and uncle, but I couldn't tell if it was Karen or Malcolm he looked at. After his brief pause, Peter seemed so sad I wrapped my arm tighter around his waist as we walked to the bar at the end of the hall.
“Are you okay for a minute? I just want to clear my head, but I won't be long. I still want to dance with you,” Peter whispered against my hair.
“I'm fine. Go do what you have to do. I'll be here,” I soothed with a little kiss as he walked away from me.
Once alone, I grabbed one drink, a tequila sunrise naturally, and I looked around at all the people I didn't know, and thought of why they were there. Not too soon after this party, they would be at a funeral and I found the contrast so sad I wanted to weep for them all.
Looking at everyone I realized how much I had changed since Peter. I realized before him I used to force life to give me more than I needed to prove my own self-worth, but with Peter I enjoyed what I had. I was a different person than I had been before him. I knew I had become a woman who loved completely and lived my life fully. I also knew I didn't want to know or experience the kind of sadness that death and loneliness could bring to me. I wanted to love with Peter in peace.
Eventually, after 15 minutes alone at the bar, I decided to look for Peter. I knew he might need me and I wanted to be there for him, like he always was for me.
What I didn't expect to see was him surrounded by his 2 sisters and mother yelling in the hallway toward the washrooms.
Listening to the way he spoke, I was shocked. He was angry and aggressive and so unlike the man I knew, I could do nothing but stand still listening.
“Did you tell her?” Kara yelled.
“Not yet.”
“She has to know. You have to tell her. It's wrong and you know it. You know this, Peter,” Kara continued yelling as his other sister
looked at him nodding.
“Peter please... You're doing so well, but she needs to know, honey,” his mother jumped in.
“You're just trying to ruin this for me. You always ruin everything for me!” Peter yelled right in Kara's face scaring me.
“Oh, really?” Kara spat back. “Peter, I’ve ruined nothing! But you're going to. Tell her the truth. Tell her what you do!”
And as I waited with bated breath, Peter grabbed his hair, and cried out, “I can't. Nothing’s happening right now and I don't want this to break-” but then he suddenly looked down the hall at me, and his distress quickly turned to relief. He looked at me like I was a lifeline and he needed me to pull him to safety. He looked at me for that split second like I was everything he had ever needed, so I walked to him.
“Tell me what?” I asked calmly.
“I'll tell you at home. It's nothing,” he soothed walking up to me while taking my hand.
“Peter! It's not nothing. It's everything!” Kara screamed as Peter turned back to her.
“Shut your mouth, Kara. You're such a bitch trying to ruin my life and I won't let you! Not again.”
“Sophie! Listen to me!” She screamed again, but Peter turned us so quickly, I was whipped around on my heels
“Fuck OFF, Kara. You're not doing this. Let’s go, Sophie,” he said pulling my arm harder down the hall.
As I scrambled to catch up we didn't say goodbye to anyone, and we didn't pause at the door. Peter grabbed our coats from the coat check station silently, and pushed me outside with my arms holding my coat closed against me from the cold.
When we got to my car, I tried to speak but Peter shook his head no. Shaking, I didn't even know what to do or say. So wordless and stunned I did nothing, even as Peter opened my door and helped me inside.
Running around my car, Peter started it and backed out so quickly, I couldn't even grab my seatbelt fast enough before we were peeling out of the driveway onto a main road. From inside heat and noise, to the chaos of Peter’s driving on the slick roads I was stunned silent, until my tears began to fall.
Sudden and without pause, tears poured down my face as I tried to reason what just happened.
Minutes later when Peter tried to take my hand, I pulled away. When he placed his hand on my knee, I moved closer to the door. When he tried to speak, I shook my head no, until he stopped trying.
Peter’s driving slowed down and became normal as his breathing became quieter in the silence of my car. Everything seemed to slow down to a manageable pace except for my tears. My tears continued until I was embarrassed each time I had to wipe my face with my hands.
I couldn't even reason what I felt. There were just no words for the confusion breaking my heart. I was lost again, but lost with Peter beside me felt so much worse than lost before him.
“I don't understand what just happened between us,” I whispered in the car suddenly.
“Oh, god, Sophie. Nothing happened between us. We're still us. My sister has a way of pushing me too far, and I snapped, but we're fine. You and I are good, and nothing's wrong between us,” he said. But everything suddenly felt wrong to me.
“What do you have to tell me? If you're married I'm gonna throw up. Then I'm going to kill you,” I laughed nearly insane.
“I'm not married. It's nothing like that. Kara is just a nosey bitch and she thinks every part of everyone's life is fair game. But I'll tell you tomorrow if you want.”
“I want to know what’s going on now, Peter. What the hell was that all about?” I pushed.
“Tomorrow. I promise Sophie, tomorrow I'll tell you,” he huffed. “It's nothing, baby, I swear. Tomorrow morning over coffee, I'll tell you everything. Just please let it go for now. I'm sad and desperate, and I just want to be with you,” he begged. And like an idiot, I relented slightly.
“Fine. Tomorrow, Peter.”
20 minutes later when we were back at my apartment walking from my car, I thought this kind of drama and upset wasn't us. Peter used loving words and declarations to me. He didn't act aggressive and scary, and I knew this wasn't my Peter.
Then again, as I reasoned while I walked, this wasn't a typical night with Peter either. Peter was saying goodbye to an uncle he loved, and he had fought with his family over something I didn't understand. He wasn't himself which made our relationship not itself.
Everything was different because the circumstances were different, so I decided to try harder to let everything go.
CHAPTER 19
When we arrived home, Peter pulled my hand to follow him to my room. He didn't pause, and he didn't ask. He just took me to my room and because I knew he was desperate for my understanding and love I let him lead us.
Pulling me to a stop, Peter lifted his hands to my face as he spoke against my lips. “I am so sorry for my behavior tonight. My sister stresses me out, and I was emotional about my uncle, which is no excuse, but I can promise it won't happen again. Please forgive me,” he begged before kissing me into the most beautiful, passionate kiss I had ever experienced with him.
“I wish I could have danced with you tonight. And I wish I’d taken a photo of you. You look so beautiful, I want a photo of you tonight to carry with me always. I absolutely adore you, Sophie,” he moaned as I gasped. “I do. You are everything to me in this life, Sophie.”
Pulling away from me, Peter leaned me against the wall as he sat on my bed to look at me. Staring at my face, he made his way down my body back to my face again. Breathing deeply, he suddenly looked at me like he was too emotional to speak, so I went to him instead.
Taking his head in my hands, I placed his face against my chest to soothe him. Holding him, I allowed all my strength to help him in his sadness.
“I'm here, Peter. I'm here to hold you when you're hurting, too. Take what you need from me and come back to me,” I whispered in the silence of my room.
Moaning, “That was beautiful, baby. Just being with you makes me better. I'm happy with you, and I'm better when I'm with you,” he said against my chest as he pulled me tighter to him as he stood.
Taking me into another kiss, Peter unzipped the back of my red power dress and slipped it down my body. Looking at my bra and panties through the nylons I wore, he gently removed them as well. Slipping all my clothing from me, I found myself standing naked before him in the light of my room securely.
Peter knew every mark on my body and every bump I wish I could hide. He knew my flaws and he loved my imperfections. He was Peter standing with me and I was secure in the knowledge that I was adored.
“Be with me, Sophie,” he begged as I nodded.
Together, we slowly took each other. Kissing and touching, fondling, and gripping, Peter and I soothed and loved our awful night away.
He pleasured me with his mouth and fingers, as I took him into my mouth as well. We were nearly delirious with our passion, and time slowly crept away from us. We were insatiable and starved for the connection we shared.
Peter brought me to my plateau until he pushed me over it seated deep inside me. He was starved for me, and I let him feast. Over and over again he took what he needed, never once leaving me alone in our connection. He whispered words of adoration and affection throughout as he made me ache with my need for his love.
Sticky and sweaty from our night together I moved Peter to join me in the shower. Standing under the water, after he cleaned my exhausted body he kissed me again in a way that made me whole. Holding my face close to him, I loved openly and honestly with him in our silent moment of complete abandon.
After our shower, when we stumbled to bed, I was once again wrapped from behind, snuggled tightly by Peter as we spooned before sleep claimed us. But I waited to sleep.
I waited until I heard his breath even out as his hands stop caressing me. I waited until he was asleep and in peace. I waited so I could say the words to him I always breathed into the silence of night.
“I love you, Peter...”
Waking later that night,
reaching to touch Peter, I found him watching me from the floor. Leaning against the wall, Peter was staring at me as I slept.
Smiling as I woke, Peter whispered, “Listen, Sophie,” and I did.
Listening as I shook myself more awake, Peter began gently singing along to Pearl Jam’s Black, and I instantly wept. It was so quick and so sudden, I didn’t know where the emotion came from, and I didn’t know how to contain it, so I just stopped trying.
Weeping on my side as I looked at Peter sitting 2 feet from me on the floor, I was simply overwhelmed by everything between us.
Black was a lifelong favorite song of mine, and to hear my artist lover sing about ‘sheets of empty canvas’ to me in the night broke my heart.
Quietly, like he knew too much emotion would destroy me, Peter sang Black’s final verse with tears in his own eyes, as my hands reached out and grabbed for him. Pulling and nearly falling off the bed myself, Peter stood and climbed back into bed, pulling me to him as he spooned me close.
Silently, we were together until I whispered the only thing I could in the beautiful moment between us, “You’re the only sky I’ll ever be a star in, Peter.”
And during the silence that followed my little confession, I actually felt Peter’s body relax against me. Surrounding me in his warmth just before I fell back asleep, I heard him whisper softly in my ear, “I adore you…”
When I woke a few hours later I was alone again. Feeling his absence and panicking from the loss of his warmth surrounding me, I crawled out of my bed to find Peter sitting on the couch in darkness.
Watching him, I was surprised to see Peter distracted, talking to himself, while crying. Watching him for a second, I was afraid as I quickly moved to the back of the couch to wrap my arms around him. I was afraid of his sadness, but as I gripped him from behind he sighed like he was content.