In a near whisper, I answered all I could. “No, Steven. Never. I'm just busy and stuff is going on... That's all, I promise.” But even I could hear the distress in my voice.
“Aaaah, Soph? What is it, girlie? Tell me,” Steven said with my childhood tease.
But as my throat closed and my heart splintered at the affection only Steven could give me, I begged him desperately. “Not now Steven... Please. Later, okay?” I begged as the first sob broke free. “Please, not now. I'm at work and I can't,” I cried.
“Okay. I'll meet you at your place right after work. I'll be waiting for you by 5:15 at your door. I'll even bring the Chinese,” he soothed, but I couldn't stand it anymore.
“Please don't be nice to me right now because I'll totally lose it. I'll see you after work. I have to go,” I cried again as I hung up.
But it was too late to stop the upset. I was crying, and the tears were out of control and soul consuming. I tried for the first minute to stop them, but the pressure became so great in my chest I knew if I didn't let the tears take me I would have some kind of heart pounding attack again, so I gave in.
Sobbing at my desk, I let the agony take me again until I placed my head on my desk and waiting for the gasping hiccups to signal the end of my nightmare, in the short term.
“Let’s go to the mall over lunch. You need to buy a hat,” I jumped when Madeline suddenly spoke in my closed office.
Looking at her like she was as crazy as I felt, I huffed a laugh. “I need a hat?”
“Yup. I figure you and Peter broke up, but I won't tell anyone, I swear. So we need to go to the mall and find you a cute hat. I did it once and even though I don't have the right face for a hat, I totally felt awesome in the hat after I bought it. So we need to buy you a hat.”
Again, just staring at Madeline I couldn't help but wonder who the hell was less sane in that moment. “A hat? Seriously?” I laughed.
“You have the perfect round face for a hat, and with your blonde hair you'll look great in almost any color. So let’s go. I promise we'll have fun, and I won't tell anyone. We can even leave separately if you want so no one knows you're with me. But let’s go now. Its lunchtime, and you never take a lunch, so let’s go buy a hat,” she said so forcefully, I stood with another laugh threatening to burst out of my chest.
“Why would I care if people saw us leave together?” I grinned at the conspiracy.
“Because you never socialize with any of us, so it'll look weird if you suddenly do. Plus, I didn't think you would want anyone to know we're talking,” Madeline responded honestly but without any malice I could see.
Pausing, I had to know suddenly what people thought of me. “Am I the bitch around here?”
“Not at all. You're the Recluse. Everyone likes you but you never socialize so people just assume you're like a Garbo- I vant to be alone- kind of woman.”
“I'm not a Garbo, but I do like my privacy,” I defended. “You really want to go to the mall with me?” I whined as I wiped my face a little with a tissue.
“Yup. Let’s go. Okay?” She almost begged, and I just couldn't say no to her kindness. Whether I needed a hat or not, I did need different scenery, and a change from the nightmare I was living in. So grabbing my coat and purse, I left my office with Madeline blocking me a little from the office staff as I walked out with my head lowered, but not too obviously.
When we went to the mall, against all assumptions I had made, Madeline didn't ask one single question about me and Peter. She didn't pry or prompt me to talk. She just talked and pointed out hotties and ughs throughout the mall and then she forced me to buy a super cute wool black and red fuzzy toque-like hat with a matching scarf. She was even proud of herself for getting an end of season bargain in the process.
Afterward, when we returned to work, I proudly wore my hat and scarf as I walked back to my office with my head up. My new hat fixed absolutely nothing, but it did temporarily bandage everything that was bleeding inside me.
Dialing Madeline's extension when I sat down, I needed her to know how I felt about her. “Thank you very much Madeline for your kindness today. I really appreciate it,” I spoke honestly.
“You're very welcome, Sophie. I'm always here to buy a hat if you need it,” she giggled through the phone.
“Okay.”
“Okay...” She said as she hung up.
CHAPTER 21
After I finished work, thanked Madeline again with a smile and drove home, I was again exhausted and emotionally numb. I spent my days pushing away any emotion so hard to create a kind of mindless numbness that often I found myself frozen within the numb as I tried to acclimate to my post work surroundings.
But as I walked in my building to Steven leaning against my apartment door, no acclimation was needed. Everything poured out of me on a whoosh.
Charging my brother, I dropped my bag and laptop case for his arms pulling me in tightly. Sobbing in his arms, Steven used his own emergency key to open my door as he pulled me inside.
When I was pulled to my couch I let him. When he shushed me and rubbed my back through my coat, I let him. He was no Peter, but he was the only constant I had ever known.
“I think I'm dying...” I whispered into his chest.
“Oh, Sophie, you're not dying. What happened?”
“Peter left me- like just left. We made love, like really made love- all sweet and beautiful and tender and like in cheesy chick flicks. We made love and we were amazing and an hour later he left me because he was freaked out by his feelings, and he had to go. Seriously. That's what he said,” I repeated for the first time with a little anger surfacing.
“What do you mean?”
Pushing away from Steven, I sat up and turned to face him. “What do you mean, what do I mean? Exactly like I said. We were fine. We were so amazing, I knew he was my forever, and I was his. I knew it and I felt it, and everything was fine. Then we had this intense sexual, like passionate connection between us and I guess he freaked out or some bullshit guy thing, and then he walked out. He admitted he loved me, then he said he was afraid something bad would happen to me, then he just left. Like just totally left me standing there in shock. He kissed my forehead and paused for one goddamn second, and then he left me. And I don't get it!” I cried again. Totally snot covered, mascara everywhere crying. I sobbed as Steven stayed quiet beside me.
“When?” He asked quietly.
“Sunday morning. We were amazing and I went to get coffee, and a half hour later he was gone. I don't know what the hell happened. I have NO idea what happened. There was nothing wrong between us. When I went to get coffee he was cooking us breakfast with a smile, and when I returned 15 minutes later he was dumping me. And I just don't get it.”
“Have you tried to talk to him?”
“Of course,” I answered irritated.
“What did he say?”
“Nothing. He won't answer his cell, and his house phone won't pick up messages. Honestly, I've called him a hundred times since Sunday night. Hundreds of times. I call him almost hourly but the same thing happens over and over again, which is nothing. No voice mail and no answering machine, and I don't know what else to do.”
Looking at me as I struggled to take off my coat, Steven helped but didn't speak. I think he was trying to help me but no answers were coming to him.
“Um, have you tried going to his house?” He asked as I shook my head no. “Why? Maybe if he sees you he'll talk to you easier. Maybe he just needs to see you again or something. Why don't we drive to his house and I'll stay in the car if you want.”
“I can't,” I cried.
“Why? I know face to face always pulls my head out of-”
“I don't know where he lives, okay?”
“What do you mean? You were together for over 3 months. How don't you-”
“We just never went to his place. He always met me here. He worked and then met me here before or after work. Or like we went away a few times, but we just never m
ade it to his place,” I admitted knowing it sounded weird.
“Sophie, that sounds a little strange,” Steven said almost as an accusation.
“I know that now, but at the time I didn't think anything of it. I just enjoyed being with him so much I didn't care that it was always at my place. It really didn't feel weird at the time,” I said with conviction.
“And now?”
Looking at Steven, I knew he knew I knew this, so I just gave in. “Yes, I admit it seems strange now, but he promised he wasn't married or anything when I asked him after the fight with his family. I did ask him Steven,” I again defended myself.
“What fight?”
“None of this matters,” I growled. “He had a fight with his 2 sisters and his mom the night before he left and they were trying to make him tell me something, but he wouldn't, and then we were together and everything was so amazing, I knew whatever it was wouldn't matter. So I let it go thinking he would tell me over breakfast like he promised, but then he broke up with me-”
“Instead of telling you something?” Steven prompted.
“Yes, but it wasn't like that. I know it wasn't. Peter was always so open and honest with me and he adored me, he told me that. He said he adored me and I believe him. But I did ask if he was married or something equally as messed up and he swore he wasn't. He promised he would tell me whatever they were so serious about, but he didn't have time to tell me before we broke up.”
“Didn't have time? Or broke up with you so he wouldn't have to tell you?” Steven asked seriously.
“No. I know it wasn't anything like that.”
“How do you know?” He pushed.
“Because I knew him, Steven! Shit,” I moaned. “Guys like Peter don't have wives and lovers on the side. Plus, when would he have had time? He always spoke to me. Always. And if he wasn't working he was with me. We were together every chance we had. Plus, I know him, and I know he wasn't married. He told me about his father cheating once on his mom and how devastated she was and how he became not an asshole because of his sisters and his mother. He's a really good guy and an amazing man, he just-”
“Dumped you right out of the blue with no explanation or reason,” Steven said angrily.
“No, he had a reason. He felt too much, and he was scared, and he loves me too much and...” But I ran out of steam. My denials sounded forced even to me. “I can't explain anything properly right now. I just know he was good, and whatever happened was something I must have done or said, or didn't realize was making him want to break up with me,” I cried softly.
“Really? You did this? Because a second ago you did nothing wrong, but he freaked out and loved YOU too much and he dumped you, but now you did something to provoke it?” Steven questioned angrily.
And crying to my brother I couldn't hide the truth I think I knew. “I must have...” And then there was nothing but silence between us.
Shaking his head, Steven tried again. “What about his sisters? Maybe call one of them?”
And again I knew it sounded weird, but, “I don't know how to reach them,” I cried.
“Do you know their last names?” He asked as I shook my head no.
“His parents?”
“No... I know their last name is Connor but not where they live. I don't even know if it's here. I think he grew up here but I'm not sure. And Connor is such a common last name I wouldn't be able to even 411 it. Plus, what would I say? Um, could you ask Peter to call me please? I know he broke up with me and I know I'm not in high school anymore, but would you please give him a message and have him call me?” I was starting to get bitchy with Steven, which amazingly felt better than devastated.
“Look, whether the circumstances around our relationship seem strange or not doesn't change the relationship we had. I'm in love with him, and I know he loves me. We share something very special between us and I don't know how to live without it. I know I'll never find it again, and I don't even want to. I want Peter,” I cried out again.
“Where does he work?” Steven asked without emotion.
“Um...” Jesus Christ. I remember sounding so stupid suddenly. “In a steel company that recycles steel.”
“A steel company, in a steel town? Fuck, Sophie. Did he tell you absolutely anything about himself?” Steven asked while standing over me.
“Yes... I know everything about him.”
“You know nothing about him,” he replied angrily.
“I know everything about him! I know who he is and how he loves and who he loved before me and why he loves me the most in his life. I know all I need to know!”
“Sophie... Please. Think for a second. He came across way too strong in the beginning, even a little desperate, then you're madly in love with him within weeks. You've spent only 3 and a half months with the guy, you're left devastated, and you know absolutely nothing about him. He may be a good lay, but-” I died with Steven’s words.
Bursting into tears, I sobbed as the pain lashed at me. I was shaken to my core with the knowledge that it was more than just sex between us.
Moaning on the couch, shaking all over, I tried to explain what was real.
“No one tries as hard as he did to just screw someone,” I begged him to understand. “Peter was all about me. Never once did he hurt me or take me, or just screw me. It wasn't like that, Steven. I know it wasn't. Peter and I were special- like mom and dad special. And I'm not wrong about that. I'm not.” I again wished I could explain us. “You just don't understand the way we were. It wasn't about being a good lay, or just screwing me. It was about our connection, and our emotions, and a tenderness and a love between us that was so rare and unique and special, and just amazing. Peter is everything to me,” I cried as I stopped talking.
I really didn't think Steven was capable of understanding what I was saying. And I would never go into graphic detail with him about our sex-life, but I needed him to understand something very important.
“Steven, please don't gag and just listen to me. Peter brought me out of my sexual, like, denial or something. He brought me to orgasm because he needed me to have one with him. He tried and learned and did everything right so that he and I could experience that kind of love and intimacy between us. It wasn't about getting laid, I swear. It was so much more. And NOT because I'm a woman and I need to see it that way. But because it was that way, because Peter made it that way. I was totally free with him sexually and with a love that was so deep I didn't even know anything like that existed between 2 people. All the speeches mom and dad gave us growing up about intimacy and love and the connection between 2 people was nothing compared to what it actually felt like between us.”
“But you don't know-”
“I know everything I need to know. He is the absolute love of my life, and I have to have him back. I have to be with him, because I don't think I can live without him,” I confessed to a sudden silence in my living room.
“Sophie, what are you saying?” Steven asked dropping back onto the couch beside me.
“I'm not saying I'm suicidal or anything like that, but I just know I can't live without him because I won't be living. I'm just going to walk through life without a part of me. Like those identical twins who say they died when their twin died, or like the old couple who dies hours apart because they couldn't live without their partner. I don't know how to do it. And 3 months or 30 years with Peter wouldn't have changed my answer. I love him, Steven, and I've changed totally in my heart because of him. I just can't do this without him, which is ironic I know. I can't live without him helping me live through living without him. But that's what he means to me,” I exhaled my sadness and pain.
“But you have mom and dad, and me and your friends, and your job, and-”
“I know all that. But I hurt too much to be without him. I need you to understand,” I begged.
Shaking his head, and exhaling a long breath, Steven tried again.
“I understand that you're suffering your first heartbreak at 2
5 and you don't know how to deal with it. Most people experience it as a teenager, but you didn't, so now you're fucked up. But that's all this is, Soph. It's a heartbreak. And you will get better and it’ll hurt less, I promise. Remember when Melissa and I broke up- well, when she dumped me? I was fucked. I felt like I was gonna throw up, but I got hammered instead with my friends, and eventually I felt better. I still think about her, and I hated hearing she's engaged to some perfect asshole, but I don't feel heartbroken anymore, just sad now. I loved her but she dumped me and it hurt. But I'm fine-”
Looking at Steven my mouth dropped open at the lame comparison he tried to make and I absolutely hated Steven in that moment.
“What you had with Melissa was NOTHING! It was a 6 month nothing. You guys were nothing compared to me and Peter, so don't even try to compare that little bullshit relationship you had to mine! You don't get it and you never will, obviously, so I don't want to talk to you-”
“Because I'm right?”
“No! Because you're an idiot. Get out of my home!”
“Nope!” Steven yelled standing over me again. “I’m not leaving. Be a bitch. Be pissed. I don't really care. You're totally fucked up and you need me, so I'm going to eat my Chinese and let you be a complete bitch to me if you want, but I'm not leaving, so fuck off, Sophie. Seriously.” Steven finished his rant by walking to the front door, grabbing the paper bag of food and storming to my kitchen.
Slamming cupboards and ripping the cutlery drawer right off its track as everything spilled to the floor, I could hear Steven swearing up a blue streak. He was pissed and I deserved it. So I cried a little more as I walked to him.
“I'm sorry,” I said looking at Steven on the floor. Leaning against the door jamb, I apologized again. “I know you're trying to help, but nothing helps. I just hurt so bad, I don't know how to handle it. I'm okay at work because I have to be strong and professional, but at home or in the car, I'm a mess. I miss him so much, I can't believe it's only been 4 days without him. I can't even imagine 4 weeks, or months, or whatever. I'm just so sad, Steven,” I said as he nodded. “This is like an unbearable pain in my chest that makes my heart beat erratically and my head spin with the pain. I don't really know how to get through this, when all I want to do is find him and hit him and love him and beg him to be with me again,” I cried to my brother my absolute truth. “I love him so much, I need him with me.”