Hot tears burned Natalie’s throat at the sight of the big strong man she loved, struggling with humiliation. ‘Johnny, you’re my family. You . . . and Bertie now!’ She tried to smile, but she knew it was a TV sort of smile, too shiny and not convincing.
‘I promised you I’d give you everything you wanted,’ he said, his voice thick with pain. ‘And I can’t.’
‘Come on. It’s one test! And didn’t Dr Carthy say there are all kinds of things they can do? As long as I’ve got you, that’s all I need. All I want. If we can’t have a baby, then . . .’ She made herself say it because she couldn’t bear to see Johnny so despairing. ‘Then so what? We’ve got each other. That’s more than most people have.’
Natalie knew he knew her heart wasn’t in it, and she hated herself that she couldn’t make it true. How could they both want something so much and pretend it didn’t matter? There would always be an echo at the heart of their marriage, something they both wished was there.
But she didn’t want a baby more than she wanted Johnny. Instead, she pulled his head onto her shoulder and let him cry, for only the second time in their whole marriage, and the first time sober at that.
Zoe took Spencer and Leo to Saturday football, and decided that today was definitely the day she was going to drop the small matter of her children into the conversation with Bill. Not because she necessarily thought it was the right time, but because if she didn’t do it now, it would look even more dodgy than it already did. Plus, she couldn’t stand the endless to-ing and fro-ing in her brain about when, if ever, there would be a right time.
Somewhere over the past week, she and Bill had crossed an invisible line between two strangers meeting for a chance coffee into two strangers actively seeking reasons to bump into each other. Every time Zoe’s phone buzzed, she felt her own skin buzz too, and the prospect of ‘something’ was hanging in the air between them.
It had started, after that first lunchtime walk, with a text from Bill about some shoes he was looking at in town – he needed a woman’s opinion, apparently, which made Zoe wonder why he didn’t just ask Natalie, since they seemed to be such good friends. She’d replied, not expecting a further response, but those texts had spread out over the next day into enquiries about Toffee, which had turned into enquiries about Lulu, and a casual reference to seeing each other on Saturday, and then whether she’d be around for lunch on Tuesday.
She had been. They’d eaten baguettes while walking around the park with Lulu and this time Zoe had consciously kept the conversation on Bill so she wouldn’t have to bite her tongue. The topic of families hadn’t come up, so she hadn’t mentioned it. But since he now knew her least favourite foods (blue cheese and carrots) and she knew he had a scar on his elbow from a moped accident on his gap year, it would look pretty bad if they got to discussing anything more trivial, and she hadn’t mentioned the small matter of her previous marriage and two sons.
It was part of the positive action in her life, instead of reacting the whole time, she told herself, as she parked outside the kennels. Firm with Toffee, firm with the boys, firm with herself – which in this case meant facing up to stuff, like her failed marriage, and moving on.
Like her friend Callie at the salon said when she confided in her, if Bill was a decent man he’d understand, even if he hadn’t been there. Plus, was Zoe planning on living alone until the boys were twenty? Thirty? And what sort of impression was she giving them – that Daddy was allowed to find a new friend, but Mummy wasn’t? Callie had all the answers. But then she was onto her second husband already.
Rachel was serving up a round of bacon sandwiches when Zoe walked into the kitchen, with Toffee on his training lead.
‘Ah! Just the woman!’ she said. ‘I’ve got an old friend who’s been looking forward to seeing you.’
She pointed to where Bertie was doing his lugubrious best to beg Freda’s sandwich out of her hands, and if Bill hadn’t been sitting at the table looking pleased to see her, Zoe wasn’t sure what her reaction would have been.
‘Oh, great!’ she said, eyeing him. ‘I’m just about recovered from last time.’
‘Bill’s looking after him until Johnny and Natalie get back,’ Rachel explained, handing her a roll. ‘But he’d love to go out with Treacle, if you don’t mind? You can leave Toffee here for us to have a fuss over.’ She dropped down to stroke the puppy’s soft head. ‘It’ll be your turn soon, sweetie. Just a few months more and you can go out with the big boys.’
‘Shall we go?’ Bill sprang to his feet, brandishing Lulu’s lead. ‘Unless you want a coffee first?’
‘You’ve changed your tune, Dr Harper!’ said Freda. ‘Weren’t you just saying you’d hang on until . . .’
He cast a shy look in Zoe’s direction and she smiled back, feeling her stomach flutter. It was quite nerve-racking to see Bill again in the flesh, after their flirtatious texting. He’d had his dark curls cut and had a tousled weekend look in his off-duty big jumper and jeans that was different from his weekday doctor clothes.
‘Well, no, might as well crack on – if Zoe’s taking Treacle out, I should probably go with her, in case of any accidents.’ He winked, and when Zoe glanced down, out of pleasant self-consciousness, she saw he was wearing the new shoes she’d advised him to get, and her stomach flutter turned into a warm glow.
Once out of the kennel yard, they took the lane out of the orchard, down towards the park, Zoe steering Bertie and Treacle while Bill took Lulu with Tinker the Westie trotting by her side.
‘Nice shoes,’ observed Zoe.
‘Why, thanks. I had expert advice,’ said Bill. ‘Good week?’
‘Not too bad.’ She steered Bertie away from a stray crisp bag. ‘Toffee’s had a bit of a breakthrough with the house training. Three clean nights in a row! And I didn’t have to get up at all last night.’
He beamed at her with new dog owner delight. ‘Congratulations! That’s a real step forward.’
‘I’m glad you think so – everyone at work thinks I’ve gone mad, getting excited because my puppy no longer covers me in wee. How’s Lulu?’
‘Oh, fine, thanks. Lulu!’ He clicked his fingers to get her attention. ‘Lulu, show Zoe your new trick. Watch this.’
They stopped, and Bill fished around in his pocket for a small treat, which he balanced on the poodle’s elegant nose. ‘Wait,’ he said, in a warning tone, and raised his hand. Lulu’s eyes followed him until he said, ‘OK!’ and she flicked it into the air and then ate it off the ground.
‘Good girl!’ Bill looked slightly disappointed, and whispered towards Zoe’s ear, ‘Normally she catches it in one go. But I don’t want to discourage her.’
‘It’s very good anyway,’ said Zoe, enjoying the sensation of Bill’s breath on her neck. ‘Did it take you long to teach her?’
‘Not long. I think she knew some tricks before, because it only took an hour or so to get her to sit and stay, and all the usual stuff. We’re onto advanced tricks now, aren’t we, Lulu?’
‘Or else you’re a very good teacher?’ suggested Zoe. For some praise and a pat from Bill, she thought she’d consider balancing biscuits on her nose. Just for starters.
‘Ah, you’re too kind.’ He shrugged and set off walking again. ‘To be honest, my social life tends to revolve around her now. You know what it’s like,’ he added, with a sideways glance. ‘What is it everyone says? Dogs, they’re such a tie!’
He said it in a way that made it pretty clear that it was a tie he didn’t mind, and Zoe knew what he meant. She’d heard the same ‘they’re a tie!’ line at work, from the other walkers, from everyone, including the mums who shared the school run with her.
‘Yeah, as if kids aren’t!’ she said without thinking. ‘I can’t say my social life was exactly rip-roaring before. I’ve met more people since I’ve had Toffee than I have in the last three years.’
Bill laughed, and she realised that he thought she was speaking figuratively.
‘Yeah, I guess it i
s a way of breaking yourself in for parenthood. The training, the timetable – I suppose that’s what Nat and Johnny were thinking.’
This is it, she told herself. This is the moment to say, I have no social life because I have two children. She took a deep breath.
‘Don’t get me wrong,’ he said, before she could start, ‘I’ve never been into going out much – Johnny and Nat are always trying to drag me out, but to be honest, I’d rather be at home, teaching Lulu how to balance stuff on her nose. She loves it. I do too.’
‘Really?’ Zoe couldn’t help it. There was something so charming about the way his face lit up when he smiled at Lulu – a man that cute should be busy fighting off women with a stick, not getting his companionship from a poodle.
‘Yeah, really.’ He sighed. ‘You must get this a lot too – I appreciate their concern, but don’t you get sick of being match-made by married couples? I mean, I’m not saying I don’t want to meet someone,’ he went on, hurriedly, ‘you know, settle down at some point, but they’re always on at me to meet this girl or that girl who’s exactly my type, but how do they know what my type is?’
Bill suddenly seemed to realise he’d said too much, and coughed.
‘Anyway, speaking of going out, I know you said it’s hard to get away during the week, and I know what you mean, because obviously I’ve got the same problem with Madam here, but I was talking to Rachel . . .’ He slowed his pace until they were more or less at a halt. ‘She said she’d be happy to do some babysitting one evening this week, if you’d like to come out with me and try that new Indian place, near the shopping centre?’
Zoe’s pulse quickened. He was asking her out for dinner. On a date! A proper date! But as soon as that registered, she felt the weight of responsibility on her again. She had to tell him now.
‘I’d need to arrange babysitting too,’ she said.
Bill nodded. ‘I asked her about Lulu, but I’m sure she’d be happy to look after Toffee too.’ His smile faltered. ‘Sorry, have I . . .?’
‘Aroooo!’ Bertie let out a blood-curdling howl, and then yanked so hard on the lead that Zoe stumbled forward. As she did, she saw that the reason for his excitement was the two figures coming towards them up the hill: Johnny and Natalie.
‘Just let go!’ Bill laughed, as she staggered to keep her balance, and managed to unclip the lead so the Basset charged adoringly to his owners, ears flapping with the effort of running.
‘That’s love, right?’ gasped Zoe, watching the joyful leaping that nearly knocked Natalie over.
‘Reckon so,’ said Bill, and gave her a look that she wished she could freeze and look at later.
As the Hodges came nearer, Zoe could see Natalie was putting a brave face on something: though she was smiling, her eyes kept darting towards Johnny, who seemed to be sleep-walking. His face was blank and he barely managed to acknowledge them.
‘Hi, Bill! Zoe!’ said Natalie, with strained cheeriness. ‘I hope Bertie’s not been any bother?’
‘No, he’s been fine. Till now anyway. I think he just likes pulling me over. Have you thought about getting him a sled?’ Zoe handed her the lead. ‘Do you want to carry on walking, or are you heading up for breakfast? We were on our way back.’
Natalie glanced at her husband. ‘Um. Why don’t we head back? I think Johnny could do with a cup of tea. Couldn’t you?’
Johnny didn’t respond.
‘Mate, are you OK?’ asked Bill.
‘Fine.’ It was more of a grunt.
Natalie turned her attention to Zoe and started steering her back towards the path. ‘So, Zoe, did Rachel tell you about the Open Day she’s planning to relaunch the kennels? She’s looking for some volunteers – could you do some face-painting or something? Or those hair braids?’
Zoe could tell when a subject was being changed, and she was happy to make small talk with Natalie, while Bill and Johnny fell behind. Natalie kept glancing backwards, and Zoe strained her ears, trying to work out what the men were discussing – well, what Bill was discussing. Johnny wasn’t saying much, but she heard the word ‘test’ once or twice.
Driving test? Or, wasn’t Johnny a teacher? Maybe it was a school thing.
At the top of the hill, she and Natalie paused to let the others catch up. Zoe was promising to run a stall of some kind when Bill touched her arm to get her attention.
‘Weren’t we just saying, Zoe? Plenty of time to settle down yet.’
‘What? Sorry?’ Her arm tingled under her coat where he touched her.
‘We’re all too young to be getting tied up with babies and stinky nappies and all that. Dogs are enough of a tie for the moment, aren’t they?’ He smiled at her, with an added ‘help!’ in his eyes, but though she instinctively wanted to help him out, Zoe felt her heart sink instead.
Great. Not only did he not know she had kids, but he didn’t want them yet himself. How to sink a promising relationship in three seconds.
It’s not about you, she told herself guiltily. You shouldn’t even be thinking that, not when Spencer and Leo are still missing their dad. What kind of mother are you?
‘Bill, there’s no need to . . .’ Natalie began, but Bill was obviously on a roll.
‘People get too hung up on starting a family, just because everyone else is. Bertie’s more than enough, isn’t he? You can practise the sleepless nights, and cleaning up after him . . . It’s pretty much the same thing.’ He looked between Johnny and Zoe. ‘Right?’
‘No, it’s not!’ Natalie burst out, and Zoe saw pain flash across her face. ‘It’s not the same thing. God, Bill, for a doctor you can be incredibly insensitive.’
There was clearly something more going on here, but if Zoe hadn’t been feeling so disappointed, she might have been more embarrassed at the private drama she’d stumbled into. But just then, her maternal instinct was over-riding everything.
‘She’s right – kids aren’t the same as dogs!’ Zoe heard herself say. ‘They’re far more than that! I mean, they’re hard work, yes, and they can drive you mad, but they’re the best thing that ever happened to me, and I wouldn’t swap them for the world.’
Bill’s brown eyes clouded over with mortification. ‘I didn’t realise you . . . Oh, God, I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t be sorry. I’ve got two, actually,’ said Zoe. It tumbled out of her once she started, as if she couldn’t say enough to make up for her silence. ‘Two boys – Spencer, he’s seven, and Leo, who’s just turned six. I’m not saying it’s easy, because it isn’t, not when I’m bringing them up on my own. But they’re amazing and I love every moment I have with them, even when they are driving me berserk. They’re the best gift in the whole world, children.’
Her mouth was dry and her tongue seemed to be sticking to the roof of her mouth. As she spoke, Zoe saw Natalie stifle a sob. Johnny had – oh no! – tears in his eyes, which he was trying to blink away. It suddenly occurred to her that the tests hadn’t been school-related at all – and if Bill had been trying to cheer Johnny up, maybe her little outburst had only made things worse.
Zoe wished the ground would open and swallow her up.
She touched Natalie’s shoulder awkwardly. ‘I’m really sorry, Natalie. I hope I haven’t said anything to upset you. I think I should, um, just go. You’ve got things to talk about, and, um . . . Sorry.’
‘Zoe, listen,’ Bill started, but she just gave him a quick, tight smile.
She might have made a fool of herself, but she had to admit it: if he’d been right for her then he’d never have said something like that. Better now than after the romantic Indian meal, when her hopes had been properly raised.
Zoe grabbed hold of Treacle’s lead, then turned and marched up the hill, to collect her puppy first, and then her sons. And if they wanted to go to McDonald’s, for once she wasn’t going to beat herself up about not being able to say no.
19
Johnny didn’t talk to Bertie in the car as he usually did on the way home. He didn’t talk to Natal
ie much either, except in direct response to questions, and when they got home, he took himself off for ‘a walk’. She and Bertie weren’t invited.
Natalie waited until he was out of sight, and then got on the internet, methodically winkling out all the information she could find, all the message boards, all the helplines. Bertie lay at her feet, his nose pointing towards the door. Neither of them moved for a couple of hours, and when they both heard the scrape of Johnny’s key in the lock, Natalie slammed her laptop shut, and Bertie sprang to his sturdy feet.
Natalie prepared her face to look calm and sympathetic, but Johnny went straight upstairs and they heard the bath running.
Bertie gave Natalie a sideways look, and slunk out of the room, to follow Johnny up the stairs, if not into the actual bath.
‘No, Bertie,’ said Natalie, getting up to grab his collar. ‘Daddy doesn’t want to be disturbed now. He’s sad.’
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she bit her lip. They’d started calling each other Mummy and Daddy in front of Bertie as a joke – they weren’t really the sort of people who’d use a homeless dog as a baby substitute.
Except they were. That had to stop.
‘Let’s get some supper!’ she said, and at the sound of the words, the apparently untrainable Basset hound dropped into a sit that would have amazed Cesar Milan, and Natalie’s heart pinched with love for him.
Johnny’s brooding silence lasted all evening, but by Monday morning, he was at least talking again. Just not about the tests.
‘Look, I’ll go and do another one,’ he said, raising his hand to ward off her tentative questions at breakfast. ‘Don’t go on at me, Nat. I’m still getting my head around it all.’
Natalie noticed that he didn’t look her in the eye as he left, and though he muttered the usual ‘I love you’ as he went, she could feel something different between them, and it made her cold inside.