"I'll pluck your eyes out you swineherd!"
"And eat them?" Philigree was restless.
"Why are you defending him, ugly?!"
"Just to annoy you, fatty!"
"YES I'M FAT GET OVER IT!"
"Surely easier than to go around it."
"When I was young, the fat people went around," the Marquis said.
"Why was that?" Oxrabbit inquired.
"Doorways were narrower back then."
***
"Success! The Valkyrie Wolf will no longer threaten you!" Arthaxiom exclaimed.
"Great news, my friend!" the overjoyed Deer Lord shouted. "Great news indeed! From the very first moment I saw you, I knew you'd be the one to free us from this menace! Let us celebrate! Let's dance! Let's have The Great Deer Dance in honour of Arthaxiom the paladin and his brave companions!"
And behold, a great fire was made and a great many deer gathered. They started dancing around the fire with great joy, and Arthaxiom the paladin felt great warmth inside, because the quest he completed brought happiness to the deer. Or maybe he felt great warmth inside because he was standing too close to the great fire. In his full plate armour, of course.
"Dance, deer, dance!" the Deer Lord cheered them on. "Dance and be happy, cause now we can once again use echolocation without fear!"
"Excuse me," Alexander asked, "but what exactly is this echolocation?"
"Oh, echolocation is the ancient art of the deerfolk! If we close our eyes and shriek in a certain way, we hear the sound rebounding from objects, therefore we know where they are and don't need to look where we're going! Unfortunately we were too scared to use it recently. A deer who closed his eyes and focused on hearing got surprised by the Valkyrie Wolf's song and jumped up a tree, startled. It took us a few days to figure out how to get him down. Finally we used a beaver."
"A beaver? How did it help?"
Deer Lord looked surprised by the question. "Well, it ate down the tree, obviously."
"Ah." Alexander saw possible pitfalls of that approach, but he decided not to discuss it. "So, that echolocation thing...?"
"Jimmy, please demonstrate echolocation to our honoured guests!"
Jimmy the deer faced away from the fire, closed his eyes and shrieked. Then again and again. Finally, he started to run. He ran straight into the nearest tree.
"He's out of practice a bit," Deer Lord said.
The deer danced and danced, and paladin and his companions enjoyed themselves. It consisted of basking in glory in Arthaxiom's case and hanging around without a purpose in case of Gaduria and Alexander. Neither of the two was much for basking in glory, nor for watching dancing deer. Watching deer crashing into trees was at least amusing, but unfortunately after a few unsuccessful tries they were quite reluctant to echolocate.
"I wish they'd try again," Gaduria said. "They look so funny when they are staggering and unable to control all their legs."
"Cruel and vicious is the female mind," Alexander stated.
"Hey, it's not like I want them dead or something!"
"Yes, fortunately you don't."
"That's because the dead are no fun. Not moving, not anything. Unless they have pretty rings!" Once again she adored her new grave-robbed ring.
"Maybe Deer Lord will know if it's magical or something?" Alexander suggested. "Ahoy! Deer Lord! Could you come here for a moment and look at this ring?"
Deer Lord approached and looked at the ring. "Ring! She's got a ring!" he shouted excitedly. That got the attention of other deer. They immediately stopped dancing and gathered around Gaduria, pushing among themselves to get a better view.
"Sooo..." Gaduria asked, while backing out slowly to avoid being trampled, "what is this ring?"
"I have no idea," Deer Lord admitted, "but we deer are easily excited by rings."
***
The festivities went long into night, but when all was said and done, which wasn't much really, the morning came. And with it a painful realisation.
"So, what will we do now?" Alexander asked. "Wander around again?"
"We might have to," Arthaxiom replied. "I cannot go questless for long. Well, there was that snake..."
"No killing badgers, remember?!" Gaduria reminded him angrily.
"Yes, yes, my apologies. My urge for questing clouded my thoughts."
"Nothing new there," Alexander remarked.
"Are you making fun of me again?"
"I wouldn't dare to make fun of a Hero!"
"Ah. My apologies then. I judged you too hastily."
"Do you even know what sarcasm is?" Gaduria usually was all for making fun of the paladin, but with his absolute obliviousness it wasn't even funny anymore. She decided it was time to teach him some basic concepts.
"I think it is a kind of jam my old grandma used to make..."
"If I might suggest something," Deer Lord interrupted, "maybe you should go to see the Oracle."
"The Oracle! Yes! We should do that!" The paladin was happy to be back in familiar territory. Conversation about eating a slice of bread with sarcasm would have to wait.
"But why?" Alexander inquired. "You don't even know where is the Oracle or what is the Oracle or why should you see it..."
"Uhhhh... because it sounds like something I should do! The Oracle will tell me... things... and stuff..." The paladin wasn't entirely sure what benefits the visit would bring, but one thing was sure for him. Heroes should visit Oracles. That sounded just right.
"The Oracle is a lady of great wisdom and eldritch powers," Deer Lord explained.
"Did you visit her?" Gaduria asked.
"Yes. Yes I did. She told me things... and stuff. I didn't understand half of it, and I misunderstood half of it and a half of it was supposed to be for somebody else, and a half of it was in elvish..."
"Isn't it a bit too many halves?" Alexander asked.
"Oh, she comes in many halves. Sometimes in hexagons too. It may sound strange, but that's how I remember it. You will see for yourselves."
"Is she dangerous?"
"Dangerous? No. No no no. Yes. Maybe. A little. Somewhat." Deer Lord couldn't decide.
"Great. So we go to see an Oracle while having no reason to do so, and she might be dangerous?" Gaduria wasn't too happy about that.
"Where did your adventurousness go?" Alexander asked.
"It echolocated into a tree."
"If you do not desire to join us on this journey, you can stay with the deer," Arthaxiom said.
"It would be our pleasure," Deer Lord said.
"On the other hand, maybe I'd better go with you." Gaduria still felt somewhat uneasy around the deer. "Just in case that's my destiny or something."
"Finally, you are ready to accept that you have a part to play in the Heroic story that is unfolding around me, oh transcendent forest nymph! Ouch!" Arthaxiom screamed in pain when Gaduria hit him in the helmet with her paladin-hitting branch.
"What did I tell you about calling me silly names?"
"I apologise."
"And what did I tell you about using big words you don't understand?"
"I also apologise."
"And what did I say about constantly apologising?" Alexander chimed in.
"I do not remember, but I also apologise."
"And what did I say about apologising for apologising?"
"You're ruining the learning process!" Gaduria berated the dwarf.
"I apologise."
***
"Did I hear you right?" Saalteinamariva asked. "You said that as soon as the new Emperor is chosen, you're as good as dead. And now you're saying you know your candidate?"
"That is true," General Roseduck confirmed. "Sooner or later someone will be chosen. I will try to stall as long as I can, but in the end I should try to push the candidate who is least likely to allow me killed."
"That sounds reasonable, I guess."
"Therefore my strategy is to pick someone with an attention span of a forgetful newt, brains of a lazy slug and
manners of a drunk enraged baboon. Someone like that can be difficult to be influenced. Difficult to persuade to put me out of office."
"And there goes all your 'for the good of the Empire' and stuff," the sorceress mocked him.
"Not at all. It is for the good of the Empire. Because of the unfortunate successorless death of the late Emperor, as well as his rather distinct lack of siblings, there really isn't anyone who was trained for job. Even more unfortunately, I have to assume that none of the available choices would be any good. Therefore, by means of an educated guess, I also have to assume that the one that is least likely to accomplish anything is the best choice. As opposed to those who might try to do something and get it wrong."
"By, for example, getting rid of you?"
"Yes, that would most certainly be a bad idea. I won't indulge in false modesty. I am the most competent person to lead the army and everybody with half a brain knows it."
"So it's a good thing that brains are so common these days," Saalteinamariva replied. Roseduck just groaned. "Nevermind. Tell me, where did you find someone with an attention span of a forgetful newt, brains of a lazy slug and manners of a drunk enraged baboon and what do I have to do with this?"
"I found him in the Oxrabbit family, obviously."
"Obviously." In hindsight, it was obvious indeed. If someone needed a noble with some serious mental deficiencies, one of the Oxrabbits was a good bet.
"It's Mevrin Oxrabbit, the Baron's nephew. And I'm talking to you about this because you are going to deliver the news."
"Me?! Why me? I'm no good with people! Especially dumb people! I'll put him on fire!" The General sighed. The conversation was going so well, but the sorceress just had to lose her temper. Not that he had expected anything else from her.
"Do you think I'm dumb too? I am well aware that you would put him on fire."
"Good."
"And talking to him wouldn't do any good. Brains of a lazy slug, remember?"
"Right. So, his parents? I remind you that nobles aren't too fond of me."
"Don't worry about that. His father died in a bear-hunting accident. And his mother doesn't want anything to do with him. Can't blame her really."
"Why do I have a feeling that it was a ridiculously stupid accident?"
"As I understand he tried to beat it in a fistfight."
"Wow. Must have been the stupidest Oxrabbit."
"Not really. Just not strong enough. As I understand, the Baron did that multiple times and yet he's still alive."
"A pity. Anyway, I still don't see why do you need me here."
"Well, I cannot really leave the capital now, can I? I need you to speak with Mevrin's nanny."
"About?"
"About preparing Mevrin for the role. Oxrabbits don't learn fast and he needs to memorise some stuff for his coronation."
"Oh. How about I threaten to roast him unless he learns fast?"
"You would roast him."
"Good."
"Not good. There is no other candidate who is that bad. I need him alive and uncooked."
"You're no fun anymore."
***
The Oracle lived in a circle of stones. Literally. There wasn't anything else around. No house, no shack, no cave. The group approached cautiously. At least Alexander and Gaduria approached cautiously. Heroes rarely approach anything cautiously, especially something as non-threatening as a circle of stones, therefore Arthaxiom approached it Heroically.
The circle wasn't big. It consisted of tall standing stones, around twenty to thirty feet tall. Inside there were smaller stones, randomly placed, of various shapes and sizes. In the middle of the circle there was a stone tripod, and an old lady was polishing it. "Did you come to see me?" she screeched as they approached.
"Yes, we did," the paladin replied.
"Are you sure?" the old lady screeched again.
"Yes, we are sure."
"Really, really sure?"
"Yes! Why else would we be here?" Gaduria got irritated a bit.
"Well, you could want to see the Oracle instead."
"So you are not the Oracle?"
"Oh no, sweetie, I just clean her circle of stones. I knew you came to her." She sighed. "Nobody ever comes to see me." She scampered away.
"So where is..."
"I am here." The Oracle emerged from behind one of the pillars. She seemed somehow removed from reality. She was white. Long white hair, long white dress, very pale, almost transparent face. When she walked, she barely touched the grass. More like floated just a bit above it. "I knew you would come, but I overslept. My apologies."
"Do you..." Alexander started to ask, but she interrupted him.
"Yes, I sleep behind the pillar."
"But..."
"But I would know if something were to attack me at night."
"And..."
"And the rain goes around me."
Alexander got a bit confused. "Are you..."
"Yes, I am."
"Is she what?!" Gaduria asked.
"Answering my..."
"...questions before he finishes..."
"...asking them." This time Alexander interrupted.
"Sorry. It must be..."
"...rather inconvenient..."
"...to you, but for me time is..." She paused, looking at the dwarf. He stared back.
"What?"
"You were going to interrupt to 'give me taste of my own medicine', didn't you? So I paused."
"Yes, but... er... I didn't know how it would end."
"That explains it."
"It doesn't!" Gaduria complained. "I thought you see..."
"...the future? Yes. But I also read minds. I confuse them sometimes. I'll try to stop that for a bit."
"You read the future AND people's thoughts?" The princess couldn't wrap her head around this concept.
"Yes, I do. Part of the job. Nobody would visit an Oracle who doesn't know things and stuff."
"What's up with that 'things and stuff' thing?"
"It's all about being vague. Also part of the job."
"Why?"
"If I told you how everything is going to work out, it wouldn't be fun anymore, would it?"
"You can't tell because you don't know, or you know but you won't tell?" Gaduria challenged the Oracle, but she just smiled cryptically.
"Perhaps I can't tell. For sure I won't tell."
"Perhaps you can't tell?"
"Perhaps. Vague, remember?"
"It's not very nice."
"I'm not the Nice Oracle. She lives elsewhere. She tells people nice things."
"But what if nice things aren't going to happen to them?"
"Then she lies."
"It's not very nice of her."
"It is, for a while. Just not long-term."
"It's definitely not nice, it's misleading."
"If she named herself the Misleading Oracle, nobody would come to see her, you know."
"I am sorry to interrupt this fascinating discussion..." Arthaxiom started, but he got interrupted.
"I know, I know, you want to get to business. This idle conversation is annoying you quite a bit. That's why I'm doing it, you know."
"I think I'm beginning to like you," Gaduria said. "You're a... kindred spirit."
"Why thank you."
"By the way, could you tell me something about this ring?"
"Yes, the ring... It's a beauty, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is... but what can you tell about it?"
"It's gold, encrusted with rubies, and you took it off an old corpse."
"I know that!"
"I know that you know that. You asked what I can tell about it. It's all I can tell about it."
"Because you don't know anything more or because you don't want to tell more?"
"I'm not telling you that."
"Vague?"
"Vague. And mysterious."
"Excuse me..."
"Yes, yes, what an impatient paladin! So full of glory."
"How can anyone be full of glory?" Alexander asked.
"I'm referring to his mind. Nothing but glory. Glory this and Heroism that. I can almost hear the glorious trumpets in his mind. Whatever else was there, got lost in all the glory."
"I am embarrassed now," the paladin said.
"No need. It's natural. You're a Hero, you know."
"I know I am a Hero."
"You suspected. I know. Now I told you that, so you're officially a Hero."
"Hooray!" Alexander cheered.
"I'll better leave your head, you're so full of pride it hurts."
"Can we get to business now?"
"Yes, yes. Take this." The Oracle gave a small bottle to the paladin. "See that rock?" She pointed to a dwarf-sized, smooth rock. "Pour the liquid from this bottle onto the rock and rub it in."
Arthaxiom removed his gauntlets, knelt next to the rock and did as he was told.
"Good. Now lick it off the rock."
"Uhhh..." The paladin was somewhat uncertain about that.
"Do you want to have a vision or not?"
"Yes, but..."
"So lick it off!"
Arthaxiom grumbled something, reluctantly took off his helmet and proceeded to lick the rock.
"Couldn't he have just drank it from the bottle?" Gaduria inquired.
"Yes, I guess he could." The Oracle shrugged. "But that's how it is done around here."
"To teach him humility? To re-establish his connection with Mother Nature?" Alexander inquired.
"Could be both I guess. But primarily to amuse me. Look how hilarious he looks, licking that stone!"
"Fhwt?" the paladin asked.
"Shut up and continue licking!" the Oracle berated him.
"I think I like you again," Gaduria said.
"Of course you do. You approve of me being mean and evil. Unless it's directed at you."
"You know me too well."
"I read minds, remember? By the way, want a stone to lick?" Gaduria didn't respond, just made a face at the Oracle.
"I... I'm not feeling too well..." the paladin muttered. He tried to get up, but his legs failed him and he fell on the ground.
"What's happening to him?!" Alexander shouted.
"He's going on a quest," the Oracle replied. "A vision quest."
"Is he going to be all right?"
"Probably."
***
Mevrin Oxrabbit was having dinner. In his case, having dinner consisted of eating food, throwing food, smashing food, running around the table, running on the table, and running with the table. And many other things, depending on his current mood and creativity level. Needless to say, Mevrin was eating alone.
"Mevrin! No tearing off table legs! You need this table! They don't grow on trees!"
"Yes, nanny," Mevrin replied, and instead started gnawing on his chair.