"Yes. Yes he does."
"But you're not convinced?"
"It's like... we just chose Mevrin..." Roseduck couldn't verbalise what felt wrong to him about the whole situation.
"We did. Do you really think he will be a good Emperor? I heard he once had tried to ride a pig in his father's hall."
Roseduck hadn't heard that particular story, but he wouldn't put it past Mevrin. "Well... not really..."
"Don't think I don't know that you picked the candidate least likely to be controlled by one of the lords. A pity it meant the dumbest, although I don't think others were that much better."
"You voted for him too. Why?"
"We had to choose someone anyway and I wanted to go fight orcs."
"Why? Why did you suddenly decide to come with me?"
"Ah well, I might as well tell you... When I was young, a madwoman told me that someday I would save the Empire. I thought this might be it. Something to do with the orcs. Apparently not."
Eneumerius would laugh at believing in ramblings of a madwoman, but in the current situation, well... everything could be possible if it had something to do with the Hero. "That's why you spent all these years as a High Lord?"
"Yes. That, and none of my heirs is competent enough. I don't know how I could have sired such morons."
"Oh well. Happens to all of us." He suddenly realised it really had happened to all lords. To those that had children, at least. The current generation was as dumb as swamp toads. Some even as dumb as particularly unintelligent swamp toads. "Maybe your decision to vote for Mevrin saved the Empire?"
"Maybe. If so, it was quite anticlimactic. Worst foreboding ever."
"Right. So what now? Will Mevrin just step aside?"
"Let's ask his uncle maybe? Hey, Oxrabbit, come here for a second!"
"Yes?"
"So if we have a King now, what about the Emperor?"
"Ah, yes, don't worry. I'll tell him to go away. And just between us," he lowered his voice conspirationally, "he wouldn't make a good Emperor."
"And why is that?" Roseduck could come up with a dozen of reasons instantly and many more if he thought about it, but he was curious what the Baron's reasoning was. He expected it would be surprising and he wasn't disappointed.
"You know, he cannot, like, knock out a cow with a single blow. Needs at least two. Still better than the rest of the bunch probably, but he's not the one we need. This Hero guy can do it in one, I'm sure."
"Right."
"Indeed."
Suddenly a messenger arrived. It would be quite a bit less sudden, if anyone had been paying attention. A young man on a horse. He was terrified, as if a horde of demons was after him. Not one of the regular messengers. Roseduck was sure he'd seen him somewhere. A stable boy?
"General! General! The Archmage summoned the orcs!"
One of the characteristics of a good messenger is delivering the message to the proper recipient and not to everyone within earshot. The General would chide him for that, but first of all the man wasn't a professional in first place, and secondly, the damage was already done and now there were other things to take care of.
"Traitor!" the Baron roared. "That old goat is a traitor!" All the soldiers followed his lead.
"Do not worry! I shall free you from that evil tyrant!" Arthaxiom declared. The soldiers cheered.
Roseduck sighed. They just jump to conclusions like that. Neither one asked important questions, like, for example, 'How do you know that?' or 'Are you sure?'. Eneumerius decided he should ask some of these questions, although he wasn't quite sure what for, since the course of action had been already decided. While everyone else was shouting and cheered he took the messenger aside.
"Who sent you?" he asked the boy.
"Ah, General, they were terrifying!"
Well, that wasn't a good start. From the very beginning he had a nagging feeling about who was behind that and now he was almost sure. "Please elaborate."
"There was that guy in black and this lady in red. He seemed... creepy. And she was very angry. They told me to give you this message as soon as possible or else."
"Or else what?"
"I was too afraid to ask."
Yes, Vannard and Saalteinamariva at their best. "What exactly did they say?"
"They said something about some dark lord being a mage and that the Archmage wants to take over and that they summoned the orcs and then they scared the carp out of me that if I don't get this to you bad things will happen."
"Ah. Did they by any chance say what were they going to do?"
"I think they wanted to kill someone. Not sure who. Just hoped not me."
"They wanted to kill the Archmage!" Roseduck exclaimed. "What else was I expecting?" he added after a moment.
"I don't know," the messenger replied, somewhat confused.
"Well, neither do I."
***
The army was approaching the capital. They picked some more bad news on the way. Apparently, the new Emperor had raised taxes, locked up some people in the dungeon, and did some other not very nice things. People weren't too happy about that. As a result, making them shout about 'King Arthaxiom' didn't take long.
"Do not worry, good people! I will cease the senseless burdens being thrown upon you! This Emperor cares not for the well-being of his people, therefore now I truly see that my decision was a correct one! A new rule shall be established, rule of what's good and right and shiny! No more bending of peasant backs with too many rakes! No more using soldiers for building moats! No more feeding old people with mice!"
"King Arthaxiom! King Arthaxiom! King Arthaxiom!"
Roseduck groaned. "I didn't know that part of being a Hero is speaking like Oxrabbit," he said to the Marquis.
"Oh no, my boy. You might have already forgotten, but Oxrabbit is way worse."
"Worse how exactly?"
"I'm not sure, but I need more rabbits jumping in my head during his speeches to stop caring." He smiled. "Anyway, I think he's going to prove my point."
Indeed, Baron Oxrabbit also wanted to address the troops. "Soldiers! Before you, you see a man, who is a man, because he's a man! And a Hero! Yes! That man who is a Hero will soon be our King! We need such King! So even if he falls into a moat full of lions he'll emerge victorious!"
"Fall into a moat full of lions?! Is this man mad?!" Gaduria asked.
"Actually that's how our previous Emperor died. But apart from that, yes, he's quite mad," the General replied.
"Now he'll free us from the dark evil of taxes! From mages and their orcs! And from, like, locusts, and such, you know! Because he's the Heroic man who is our King now, well maybe not just yet, but any day now, yes indeed!"
"King Arthaxiom! King Arthaxiom! King Arthaxiom!"
"And when he becomes the King, he will, like, smash the enemies with his mighty hooves and stuff, because he's the Hero! Yes indeed! Turn their legs to jelly, he will! And eat them! Like, like... like them very small fruit thingies! Because that's all they deserve! Long live the King!"
"Long live the King! Long live the King! Long live the King!"
"They... liked it," Roseduck said weakly.
"They sure did," Alexander replied. "It's like magic. He must have borrowed some from Arthaxiom."
"Long live the King," the Marquis repeated absentmindedly and dozed off.
***
Duke and Duchess Thinoak were running away. In their particular case it was more like being carried away. In a carriage. Pulled by six horses. Four weren't enough. The Duke was very worried about the orcish invasion. He had serious doubts about Roseduck's chances to fend them off. Therefore, like other non-crazy High Lords, he decided to leave the capital. But whereas the other lords fled to their respective castles, the Duke didn't. Castles gave good protection, but were obvious targets. Distance gave a better protection than stone walls.
The problem of orcs was left far behind, but there was another problem. They were lost. What had started as a road some days
ago was no longer a road. It was only a patch of dirt slightly smoother than all the other dirt around. At least the captain of Thinoak's personal guard hoped so. Either that or he was hallucinating from staring into the dirt for too long.
The Duke's personal guard was down to about a dozen. It was a lot less than they had started with. Many guards snuck away at various points during the trip. They decided to try their own luck instead of following the Duke on his journey to nowhere. The few who stayed did it because of loyalty or some other kind of stupidity.
Now that they were lost, the Duke decided to solve the problem. His solving mostly consisted of urging the captain to find out where they were exactly. The captain on his part urged his men to find out where they were. They did no such thing, because they didn't know how. As a result, the Duke and his escort kept moving forward along something that may or may not have been a road.
After a few days of that, a village was spotted on the horizon. It could be a good place to get some information about their current location, and also to resupply. They badly needed to resupply, because soon the Thinoaks would have to choose between eating the guards or eating the horses. Or possibly eating the carriage. Unfortunately, the Duke didn't take into account the fact that they weren't inside the Empire's jurisdiction anymore. Not in a real sense at least. The Empire had claimed a lot of wastelands as their own just because nobody else did, so technically this place might have still been within the borders.
The huts were somewhat different than the ones usually found within the Empire. Circular, not rectangular. The roofs were thatched with some sort of reed. Thinoak didn't take any notice of that. Neither he took into account that the inhabitants were somewhat different too. The most striking difference was that they were rather thin. As if they didn't have enough to eat.
As the caravan approached the centre of the village, more and more villagers stopped whatever they were doing and followed. The guards could see that many of them were looking at the horses and licking their lips. It made them uneasy.
The Duke's carriage stopped in the middle of what seemed to be the village square. It was a circle of slightly less dirty dirt right in the middle. Thinoak decided to do the talking himself and stepped out. As soon as he did, the whole village froze. All the eyes were on him. He should have realised something was terribly, terribly wrong. He did not. He was, after all, a High Lord. "Greetings, good people!"
"Food!" one of the villagers shouted and pointed.
"How kind of you to offer..."
"Food!" another villager chimed in. And another one. And many, many more. And suddenly the Duke realised that they weren't pointing at the carriage, or at his guards, or at their horses. They were pointing at him. He felt cold sweat. At this very moment, the Duchess decided to see what was happening.
"Food! Food! Food!" Another series of shouts erupted. The villagers were pointing at both humongous Thinoaks. They were getting closer. The carriage was encircled. The Duke's forces were badly outnumbered. The natives weren't well armed, but they had sticks and stones. A lot of them.
The captain of the guard noticed that his men didn't know what to do. He didn't blame them, he wasn't sure himself. The situation wasn't good at all. He estimated that an attempt to charge and fight through was doomed to fail. The only bright side was that the villagers weren't pointing at him, nor at his fellow guards, maybe because they were too skinny. He was always a believer in making use of whatever he could in order to survive. "Food!" he chanted and pointed at his employer. Probably former employer at this point.
"Men, protect me!" the Duke shouted, but it was no use. Most of them followed the captain's lead. Only two decided to draw swords and protect Thinoak, but they were quickly overpowered. The guards who joined the choir were left alone. The Duchess screamed as multiple hands grabbed her and dragged her away from the carriage. The Duke tried to fight, but to no avail. Suddenly a giant cauldron was brought from somewhere. Thinoak briefly wondered where did they get it from.
"You cannot eat me!" he shouted in one last attempt to save himself. "I'm a duke!"
They could.
***
The army was marching through the capital. The sun was shining brightly, as it was befitting the Hero's triumphant arrival. The soldiers' weapons and armour were gleaming in the sunlight. There was a lot of shouting and cheering. 'King Arthaxiom' was the most popular cheer. Many of the townsfolk ran away at the news of the invasion earlier and didn't come back yet, but some were still there and they joined the cheers. They had absolutely no idea who that 'King Arthaxiom' was, but they were quickly enlightened. There was no mistaking him, riding on the biggest steed available, shining the brightest, smiling at everyone and everything. He was the one to lower the taxes again and that was good enough for most people.
Riding next to Arthaxiom was Baron Oxrabbit, shining just a bit less, drawn to his glory like a moth to a flame. He was smiling and waving his hand and waving his sword and waving whatever or whoever he grabbed. And people cheered him too, because, well, he looked like a good person to cheer.
Then there was Gaduria, now commonly known as the princess Gaedhurienne. She had tried to explain to people she was no princess, but one word from the paladin had made all her efforts futile. If the Hero said she was a princess, then she had to be one. So in the end she decided that resistance was futile and resigned herself to being a princess. She even upgraded her name to something a bit more appropriate. In truth she didn't really mind being a princess, she was only a bit concerned that people might get upset. Sort of 'kill the evil royalty impersonator' upset. Oh well, in the worst case, she'd have a knight in the shining armour to save her. She had a nagging thought that he would even enjoy that.
There was also Alexander the dwarf, now known as Brave Gnomey, the Deer Rider. He didn't mind the Brave part, after all, he didn't run away or anything. He didn't mind the Deer Rider part. He rode a deer in battle. He wasn't sure why was it so important, but he did, so it was all right. On the other hand, he was really annoyed by the 'gnomey' part. He was a dwarf. His father was a dwarf and his mother was another dwarf. He declared that to everyone who listened and also to those who didn't, but they didn't care much. He tried to intervene with Arthaxiom, but the paladin said he still wasn't really sure about his dwarvenness. So for all practical purposes he was now a gnome. In spite of that, he waved his trident at people and tried to enjoy himself.
Marquis de Shaggysheep also waved at people, if a bit anaemically. He enjoyed himself too. He took part in the biggest battle in recent history. Well, was near it at least. It was more than Thinoak and those other cowards could claim.
General Roseduck on the other hand didn't wave at all. He tried to be as inconspicuous as he could, which wasn't too hard thanks to him being vertically-challenged a bit. He was somewhat upset about having no control of the situation. None whatsoever. He didn't feel like that since the times before he became the High Lord Commander. He could only watch and hope for the best.
The column moved through the city and then upwards, towards the Imperial Castle. The soldiers were still cheering, but Roseduck got tense. He felt that the difficult part was still ahead of them. Meeting Mevrin the First. Meeting the Archmage. Putting the reigns of both of them to end. It could get messy.
***
Emperor Mevrin the First was sitting in his throne room. His castle was even more empty than when he had first sat on his throne. One of the reasons for that was that he had grabbed whoever he could find and sent them as messengers to announce his tax rise. In the meantime he just wandered around his new castle looking for something to entertain him.
Sometimes he ordered something moved around or thrown away. Sometimes he ordered some randomly met person to do something silly, like attempt to replicate a mating call of a swamp fox while juggling lit candles. During meals he was throwing food and other things at those few remaining unfortunate souls who were tasked with serving him. Unfortunately, they got quite good at dodging rather f
ast. And all inhabitants of the castle got quite good at not being where the Emperor was rather fast.
Being the Emperor wasn't as fun as he had imagined. Activities he had found enjoyable in the past weren't so anymore for no particular reason. Something was lacking. He wasn't sure what. So he tried riding a horse indoors. In his younger days such attempts gave him a lot of joy. Especially the part where he was being chased and screamed at. This time the only thing he got were a few bumps on the head when he forgot to duck in doorways.
Saddened by that, he stuck with demolishing for now. This always cheered him up. And there was one other thing he had found amusing. Searching for the people hiding in his castle. It was like a game to him. Whenever he grabbed one, he called the guards and sent him down to the dungeon. What he didn't know about was that the guards were also playing a game. One consisting of letting those people go, so they could hide again.
The Master of Ceremony dutifully followed the Emperor around. He didn't use to do that with the previous Emperor, but the previous Emperor had known his stuff. He wasn't perfect or anything, but he did his job decently. The current one... well... The Master of Ceremony used to feel bad just because of having negative thoughts about the Emperor or his decisions. The Emperor is always right because he's the Emperor. Now he was beginning to doubt that.
Communication with Mevrin was difficult. Short attention span coupled with general lack of knowledge made it extremely hard to explain even the most basic concepts to him. Like, for example, that the mere act of raising the taxes won't bring the gold immediately. On the other hand, when Mevrin got something into his hand, it was impossible to dissuade him. As was the case with the aforementioned taxes. And also with attaching stuffed animal heads to suits of armour.
This day was like every other one. Mevrin had just ordered a helmet from armour suit standing in a corridor replaced with a giant stuffed moose head from the Hunters' Chamber. The Master of Ceremony wasn't convinced that it was an improvement, but one does not argue with the Emperor. Suddenly they heard cheering. Also sounds of hoofs hitting the road, and sounds of soldiers marching... the army was returning!
Mevrin hadn't heard that the army was victorious. Nobody had bothered to tell him. He himself hadn't been worried about that. His uncle was there. He was good at hitting things until they stopped moving. No better man to take care of battles and stuff. And now it would be the right time to greet him imperiously. He decided to go to his throne room to accept the news about glorious victory.