After some time the colour changed again, this time to beige. Seems somewhat ancient. Before Vannard had a chance to ponder on that, the vortex suddenly disappeared. And he was back where he started. About two-thirds of the way down. At least he felt that stupid vortex slowed him down a bit. Only a bit. In any case, something changed. Now there were people below.
"FAT!!!" a voice came from above. The most corpulent of the mages looked up. He wasn't as fat as Duke Thinoak, but well on the way there. Of course, he had always claimed he wasn't fat, and of course he reacted to the shout to berate the one insulting him. It didn't matter. Someone fell on his chest, knocking him down and stabbing him in the eye a blink of an eye later. At the very same moment, a corpse squashed the mages' new leader.
"Hi! Deus ex assassina!" Vannard's sudden appearance unpleasantly surprised the mages. Now they were faced with a homicidal maniac in their midst. Quite a few of them had met that very homicidal maniac a few days before and that made it even worse.
When suddenly faced with something unexpected and scary, a lot of the mages instinctively tried to do what they did best. Blow it to pieces. Unfortunately for them, the target of their spells was extremely good at dodging. Friendly fire ensued. As well as friendly lightning, friendly magic missile, friendly enchanted stream of surprising venomous flowers and whatever other spells were being cast.
The distraction was enough to allow Arthaxiom to close into melee range and proceed in his customary Heroic way, which was hacking them to pieces while shouting nonsenses. Meanwhile Saalteinamariva was attempting to put on fire everyone wearing a robe. That inconvenienced quite a few of the mages, as well as one heavily hung-over priest who had wandered in the way for some reason.
As soon as Baron Oxrabbit joined in the fun, followed by soldiers pouring back onto the courtyard, the mages surrendered. At least some of them did. Those who were fast enough to do that before getting killed and lucky enough to be standing next to someone who cared.
***
The Grand Hall was full again. Another coronation was in progress. It was a very unusual one for quite a few reasons. Obviously one of these was that it was a King being crowned instead of an Emperor. A less obvious one was connected with the Master of Ceremony. For the first time ever he was improvising.
The Master of Ceremony was reluctant at first to crown Arthaxiom. Roseduck took it upon himself to persuade the old man. He pointed out that the paladin had the people behind him. He pointed out that he looked the part. He pointed out that there was no Emperor alive anyway. He pointed out that there weren't enough High Lords around to choose a new one, and in any case, a new one probably wouldn't be any better than Mevrin. Finally, he pointed out that in case of refusal, the Master of Ceremony might die. Violently and painfully.
Not long ago the Master of Ceremony would say that he'd rather die than go against the Codex. It wasn't the case anymore. After experiencing the short and pointless rule of Mevrin the First he was willing to admit that going by the Codex wasn't necessarily the best idea. Unfortunately, the old man had asked Arthaxiom himself for some pointers and got some interesting notions from him. Even more unfortunately, he had an excellent memory.
"Dearly beloved lords and ladies, soldiers and wives of soldiers, townsfolk of both genders, peasants and female peasants! We have gathered here today to crown paladin Arthaxiom the Great, Deliverer of Light, Slayer of Evil and Wicked, Guardian of the Ancient Secret of the Holy Mysterious Summoning of the Mythical Archpegasus, Apostle of the Rainbow Sturgeon, Holder of the Hidden Antique Malodorous Anvil of Ancient Knowledge, Thirty-ninth Warrior of the Joyous Beige Dragon, Crushing Flame from the Eerie Enchanted Eastern Island, Turquoise Spearman of Heavens, Sword of Justice in the Gloom of Uncertainty as our rightful King!"
The crowd cheered. Excessively. Arthaxiom was standing in front of the former Imperial Throne, now the Royal Throne. He was still in his armour. It was not required for coronation, but he refused to acknowledge that. At least he agreed to wear a nice royal cape. He waved at the cheering crowd until they settled down. That took quite some time.
"If anyone knows any reason why this man cannot be crowned let him speak up now or remain silent forever!" This part was added to make it clear that this coronation was indeed the will of the people. The Master of Ceremony didn't really expect that someone would speak up. He was wrong.
"I know one reason."
A murmur went through the crowd as Vannard stepped forward.
"And what would it be...?" the Master of Ceremony inquired.
"I want to kill him." The crowd got agitated. Nobody expected that.
"Vannard, no!" Roseduck shouted.
"Shut up, Ducky."
"Why do you wish to kill me, evildoer?" the paladin asked. He didn't seem concerned.
"You are a Hero. I want to try to kill you. Also, I failed to kill the Archmage. I'm told Sally did. That hurt my ego. And... Wait, what am I doing?" Vannard realised he wasn't feeling all that well. Explaining himself? He never did that. At least not honestly. "I'll kill you simply because I can and I want to!"
"Very well. I accept your challenge. Nobody interfere, please. Make us room. This won't take long."
The Master of Ceremony abandoned his post. The onlookers stepped back dutifully. Nobody seemed particularly concerned. After all, one of the combatants was a Hero. Their Hero. Their soon-to-be King. He could not lose. Not to this... nobody.
The only concerned people were General Roseduck, who, unlike the crowd, knew what Vannard was capable of, and Gaduria, who thought the idea of duelling was silly. He should just call the guards and be done with it. But no, dumb Hero had to fight himself. Those stupid orcs back there did exactly the same thing, and it ended quite badly for them.
Roseduck quietly approached Saalteinamariva. "Please kill him. You can do it, can't you?"
She had been wondering about that herself. She had a good aim at Vannard's back. He was focused on the paladin, surely he wouldn't notice a nice little fireball before it was too late...? A normal person wouldn't, but Vannard was definitely not a normal person.
"I can, but I want to see how it plays out."
"I pay tenfold..."
"No."
The paladin was still in his suit of armour. Alexander approached with his helmet, sword and shield."
"Do you require armour?" Arthaxiom asked the assassin.
"Don't be ridiculous." Vannard was wearing his usual black clothes. His only visible weapon was the black sword he was wielding. "Just let me know when you're ready. But please don't take too long, I'm really eager to kill you."
"Don't do that! It's stupid! Have someone else kill him!" Gaduria protested loudly while the paladin was preparing.
"Do not worry! He'll emerge victorious!" the Baron replied.
"Yes, it will work out," Alexander said. "It always works out for him."
"I am ready now."
"Good. Let's have fun!"
***
This time Arthaxiom had all the advantages: size, armour, Heroism... It was all worthless and he didn't even know it yet. He was a Hero, but his opponent was an insane homicidal maniac. An insane homicidal maniac who was suffering from bruised ego to make it even worse.
"Catch!" Vannard shouted. The paladin didn't even flinch. A dagger hit his helmet and fell down on the floor. The assassin shrugged. He didn't really expect to succeed. Daggers ware good for lesser enemies. He had to use sword for this one.
"Withdraw while you still..." The paladin tried to reason with his opponent, but stopped. He realised that reasoning wasn't going solve this, mainly because the assassin was running towards him. This shouldn't be too hard, no armour, no shield... He swung and he missed. Vannard ducked under his blade in full run and crashed into him. Arthaxiom gave ground despite being bigger and armoured. He tried to push Vannard away with his shield, but the assassin already retreated a bit and tried a vicious strike aimed for the head. The paladin barely parried. The crowd cheered.
"You
have him now!" Baron Oxrabbit boomed, while it was apparent that the paladin was far from 'having' him.
"Hit him in the nadgers! In the nadgers!" someone else shouted.
"Tear his face off!"
"His mother was a lady with an ermine!"
Having all the onlookers against him didn't worry Vannard. He didn't care. He also didn't mind that everyone seemed to think that the paladin had the advantage. He was focused exclusively on the fight and he was enjoying himself immensely.
Arthaxiom tried to cut down his opponent, but he couldn't. However he tried, Vannard just wasn't there. Instead he was somewhere else, striking in unexpected ways, never pausing, never hesitating. The paladin could barely keep up, and at the same time he had this gut-wrenching feeling that he was being toyed with. He was an amateur, a talented one mayhaps, who was facing a skilled artist. One who had been practicing all his life.
The fight continued. It was getting more and more one-sided. The Hero, badly encumbered by his armour, was getting tired. The assassin was getting bored. The crowd wildly cheered the paladin despite him clearly losing. Arthaxiom knew it wasn't going well. He tried praying. That had always worked before...
"Need another miracle, do you?" a fishy voice mocked him in his head.
"Yes please!"
"You're out of luck!"
"Just one little flame..."
"And you really think it will help you? Against him? Very well. Point the shield in the right direction, will you?"
Arthaxiom did as he was told. The fish sigil was pointed directly at the assassin. Flames erupted from the fish mouth. The assassin fell on the floor backwards. The stream of fire flew harmlessly above him and hit the wall on the far side of the hall. Some tapestries started burning.
"Nice! I want that shield!" Vannard said. The paladin tried to hit him while he was down. His sword hit the floor. The assassin was too fast once again. He rolled aside and got up before Arthaxiom managed to swing again. Now it was time for him to stop fooling around, because he really didn't want to experience any other Heroic surprises.
Vannard pressed on and Arthaxiom simply couldn't keep up. One awkward parry, a little flourish by the assassin, and the Shining Slaughtering Sword of the Silver Sun was smoothly sailing towards the stony surface. The spectators went crazy.
"I win," Vannard said simply and moved in for the killing blow. He tried to, at least. He couldn't for some reason. Something held him back. He turned his head. There was a swirling red vortex pulling him in, not unlike the one he had fallen into not long ago. The pull was increasing. "So, I was deus-exed just to slaughter those mages? How inconvenient and degrading," he said calmly, before getting sucked in.
The portal collapsed. Everyone went silent. Only Saalteinamariva spoke up. "Inattentively cast temporal displacement spells often have some unforeseen delayed after-effects." It didn't clear up the confusion.
"Magic gone bad," Roseduck translated. The crowd murmured with understanding.
***
Order got restored, the paladin recovered a bit, and the ceremony commenced.
"Is there anyone else who has something against crowning Arthaxiom the paladin?" the Master of Ceremony asked, his tone of voice indicating that he would be very cross with such a person. "No? Good. You are now King Arthaxiom the First!"
The crowd cheered. Now it was time to put a crown on the King's head, but since Mevrin's crown got disintegrated and there was no spare, there was a problem with that. Fortunately, Baron Oxrabbit was up to the task. He took a simple wooden chair, tore off the backrest and beat a hole in the seat. "It's temporal," he said. The crowd cheered some more.
The King looked doubtfully at his new crown. Even he knew that wearing a chair on his head was a bad idea. On the other hand, he was supposed to wear it. After a moment of hesitation, he put his left arm into the hole. The crowd cheered even more.
"Thank you, thank you! I would like to thank you all for coming here! It is a great day for me, and a great day for you, and a great day for the Empire, because it's a Kingdom now!"
"King Arthaxiom! King Arthaxiom! King Arthaxiom!"
"I would also like to thank all the people and other beings that helped me to become what I became! I would like to thank my mother and father who delivered me upon this world, though I do not really remember them because I got hit on the head!"
"King Arthaxiom! King Arthaxiom! King Arthaxiom!"
"I would like to thank whoever was responsible for hitting me on the head!"
"King Arthaxiom! King Arthaxiom! King Arthaxiom!"
"I would like to thank my sidekick and companion, Deer-Riding, Trident-Wielding, Stone-Slinging, Brave Dwarf-Impersonating Gnome Alexander!"
"Gnome Alexander! Gnome Alexander! Gnome Alexander!"
Alexander sighed. "I'm officially a gnome now, I guess," he said quietly.
"Could be worse," Gaduria tried to cheer him up. "At least you're not a kobold."
"Guess so..."
"For his invaluable contributions to the just cause, he will be named the Royal Counsellor of Equal Racial Opportunities!"
"Gnome Alexander! Gnome Alexander! Gnome Alexander!"
"Hooray," the new Royal Counsellor said weakly.
"Congratulations," Gaduria said.
"I would like to thank the Four Imaginary Fish for their advice!"
"Four Imaginary Fish! Four Imaginary Fish! Four Imaginary Fish!"
"This is getting ridiculous," Roseduck whispered to no one in particular.
"I would like to thank the nice man he brought me an army just in time, Marshall Tulipgoose!"
"Tulipgoose! Tulipgoose! Tulipgoose!"
Roseduck held his face in his hands. Every soldier in the Empire knew his name. Now they were all repeating the paladin's mistake like sheep. The Master of Ceremony whispered something in Arthaxiom's ear.
"Ah, sorry, I meant General Roseduck of course!"
"Roseduck! Roseduck! Roseduck!"
That was better, but still... he could have named him Dungeagle and the crowd would go with it.
"General Roseduck in recognition of his service will remain commander of the army! And I will promote him to a marshall anyway!"
"Roseduck! Roseduck! Roseduck!"
"I would like to thank Baron Oxrabbit for his Heroism in the duel with very big orcs!"
"Oxrabbit! Oxrabbit! Oxrabbit!"
"In recognition of his service, he will also become commander of the army! Because two commanders are better than one!"
"Oxrabbit! Oxrabbit! Oxrabbit!"
"Weasel damn it," Roseduck said.
"At least you're not a gnome," Alexander said. "Hey, Gaduria, didn't he skip you?"
Gaduria wasn't too sure that he did. Definitely not an accident. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
"I'd like to thank a person who helped me on my journey! He was a mage, a hermit, or a wise man possibly!"
"Wise hermit-mage! Wise hermit-mage!"
"And also Deer Lord, who gave me a quest and some battle deer!"
"Deer Lord! Deer Lord! Deer Lord!"
"And finally, the brave and beautiful princess Gaedhurienne!"
"Gaedhurienne! Gaedhurienne! Gaedhurienne!"
"Please come forward!"
She did, somewhat reluctantly. She feared what will happen next. She dreaded it. Yet somehow she knew.
The paladin knelt on one knee. "Will you marry me?"
The crowd held its collective breath. The hall fell silent. Someone farted from excitement, and nobody laughed.
After a few heartbeats, she replied. "Yes." The crowd went mad.
***
As a result of the engagement people started crying, laughing, screaming and running around for no good reason really. Alexander approached Gaduria.
"You said yes?" he asked, clearly surprised.
"I did."
"But you said he's dumb and all that..."
"Yes, he is. Most men are, and he isn't the worst-looking one. And I'll get to be a real Qu
een instead of an imaginary princess!"
"Ah. That explains a lot."
Meanwhile, details of the marriage ceremony were being discussed.
"So, when will the wedding happen?" the Master of Ceremony asked.
"Right now!"
"This is highly irregular..." he started, but then remembered he was talking to the King. With the chair on his arm and all that. "...but of course it can be arranged."
"Splendid!"
"There surely is a dress fitting for the princess somewhere in this castle. Also a best man will be required..."
"ME!" Oxrabbit shouted. The paladin nodded.
"Hey!" Alexander protested. "Why not me?"
"Uh... sorry, but... best MAN," Arthaxiom said.
"Oh. Right." He saddened. It was one of the rare moments when he regretted pointing out he's not a man all the time.
"You can be a bridesdwarf," the princess Gaedhurienne said.
"That I can be." He smiled. He would be the best bridesdwarf these lands had ever seen.
"Last one to the cathedral is a donkey bottom!" the Baron shouted and started running towards the exit, pushing people aside and causing a commotion. Many spectators joined him in his mad dash. Roseduck wondered when would they all realise that the Great Hall doubled as the cathedral.
***
A suitable gown was found. It was long, white, and covered with an incredible amount of glitter. Just perfect for a royal wedding, as long as nobody told the bride that it really was one of High Priest's robes.
The best man returned, people trampled to death in the stampede were scraped off the floor, an altar was brought in and put on the dais and the ceremony could be started. The Master of Ceremony was also leading this one. The High Priest was misplaced again and after his last performance nobody bothered to look for him.
The usual blabbering commenced, but it was unusually short for such an occasion. The bride, the groom, the best man and the bridesdwarf all insisted that it would be best to get over with this before anything more dramatic happened.
"If anyone knows any reason why these two cannot be married..."
"...then Baron Oxrabbit will hit him. With a chair," Marshall Roseduck said.
"Damn right I will!" the Baron agreed.
In view of such a threat nobody dared to raise any objection.
"Do you, King Arthaxiom the First, with all your titles I will not list here because I am supposed to keep it short, want to marry Princess Gaedhurienne?"