****
Unfortunately, I ran late Thursday night because Jonathan spit up on me just as we were leaving the house. I had to change both our clothes and I didn’t make it to the group until ten minutes after it started. I hated being late for anything, but this was much worse because it was the very first meeting. I contemplated bailing, but Jonathan’s cute little baby sounds gave me courage.
I plastered a smile on my face and walked up to the door. There was a sign on it that read, “Please let yourself in. Small group in session.” I held my breath as I opened it. I saw everyone sitting in a circle of chairs, facing each other. A perky lady who bounced like a cheerleader came over to greet me. “Oh, I am so glad you made it, Beth! I’m Carol. I was just telling the group about you. Here, we even saved you a seat.”
I sat down with Jonathan cradled in my arms. I looked around the circle of people. They seemed familiar, but I didn’t know any of them by name. I crossed my legs and held Jonathan even closer. Carol introduced me to her husband, John. He looked to be in his late thirties and his friendly smile settled my nerves. “It is nice to meet you, Mrs. Reiner.” I nodded my head.
Carol spoke to the group. “Everyone, this is Beth Reiner. You may have seen her around the church with her son, Jonathan.”
There were plenty of smiles and hellos. Luckily, no one looked at me with pity because I was a widow. If they had, I would have walked out on the spot. Instead, the group started up with a half-hour of worship. Carol handed everyone a sheet with the lyrics on it, but I just sat there and listened. Jonathan slept in my arms and I took comfort in watching him while the music played.
Afterwards, John read a passage from the bible. John gave a little background history about the man it was centered around. Paul seemed like someone a modern Christian could relate to. He never met Jesus when he was alive but still lived a life devoted to Christ’s teachings.
After John’s talk, the group asked questions and added their own observations. Normally, I enjoyed engaging in a good discussion, but this time I only sat and listened. A young father holding a newborn spoke up. “I admire Paul because he had an ailment that never was healed. Most people would feel God was ignoring them, but Paul drew closer to God through his suffering.”
His timid wife spoke up, “God knows our deepest needs. We just have to trust him.”
I smiled sadly to myself. I knew just how hard trusting God through pain could be.
Near the end of the study, Carol announced that it was time for prayer. It was enlightening—this prayer time. I was impressed how incredibly open the people were about their lives.
“I need prayer for my marriage,” a fair-haired woman named Katherine stated. “As you know, Frank and I have been trying to have a baby for years now. He’s ready to adopt because the infertility treatments aren’t working, but I’m not ready to give up yet. It is putting a real strain on our marriage.” I noticed her husband took Katherine’s hand in his. It was a beautiful gesture and I felt a twinge of jealousy.
When it came my turn I almost passed, but I’d been encouraged by their honesty and decided to share what was eating my heart. I did not sugar coat it. “It’s been more than nine months and I still haven’t forgiven the man who killed my husband. It was his fault, yet he survived the car accident. I hate that he is alive and Scott is dead.” I looked down at Jonathan and added, “I wish it had been the other way around.”
Just as he had with the others sharing their prayer requests, John nodded his head without comment and continued on to the next person. I was thankful no one acted upset or surprised by my revelation. After everyone spoke, John and Carol prayed for each request. All of us had our prayers offered up to God and it felt good, almost freeing.
In one session I knew more about these people than most of the friends I’d known for years. I left feeling that this small group was exactly what I needed to move forward and I promised myself I would come back.
After such a positive experience with the small group, I couldn’t wait for Saturday to roll around. True to his word, Glenn showed up at my house at ten in the morning. After a pleasant cup of coffee and a few instructions on what to do with Jonathan, I left the two and drove to Angie’s apartment. It had been ages since I’d been to her place.
I knocked on her door and was surprised when Lucas answered. He did not look pleased to see me. He was a stockbroker by trade, always dressed in long sleeve shirts, tie and dress pants, even on the weekends.
I had to admit he was striking with his sandy hair and bright green eyes. Coupled with Angie’s long blond hair, the two of them made a handsome couple. However, I didn’t care for the man. He was way too serious.
Lucas grabbed his keys and headed out the door in an angry rush. I looked at Angie apologetically and shrugged my shoulders.
“Oh, don’t worry about it,” she said. “He gets that way sometimes…” Angie gave me a hug and ushered me in. “It’s good to see you out in the real world, girlfriend.”
“Look at me, Ang! I’m not weighted down by a bazillion baby things.” I twirled to show off my lack of supplies.
“I see!” she said enthusiastically. “I can’t believe Glenn agreed to watch Jonathan. How did you get him to agree?”
“I didn’t. Glenn was the one who suggested it. Now I can do whatever I want when he comes over. Free babysitting, girlfriend!”
“Wow, I wouldn’t expect that from a single guy.”
“Me either, but Glenn was really close to Scott. If there’s one thing I know, being around Jonathan makes you feel like Scott’s near. I guess Glenn needs that as much as I do.”
“Well, the important thing is you are free to visit me!”
I felt giddy inside, like a little kid. “How about going to a movie? Or what about getting a quick bite at one of our favorite restaurants? Better yet, let’s do both!”
Angie hesitated before answering. “I really think it would be best if we stayed here today. I’ve got lunch all planned out.” It seemed out of character from the fun-loving girl I knew and loved, but I wasn’t about to complain.
“So, what have you been doing with your life, Ang? Other than cooking, sewing and spending every weekend with Lucas?”
Angie laughed uneasily. “Gee Beth, you make it sound like I don’t have a life.”
“On the contrary, you are one of the busiest people I know.” I smiled and gave her a playful nudge.
“Unfortunately, that’s pretty much it. I work and when I am not working I’m busy doing things with Lucas.”
“Borrring!”
Angie looked at me strangely, instead of responding with a witty retort like I expected. We always teased each other—it was our normal mode of operation. Today, however, it felt like I had crossed a line.
That was the second time in recent history that I’d unknowingly stuck my foot in my mouth with a friend. I laughed it off by saying, “Well, look who’s talking. All I do is sit at the house, take care of Jonathan and compute. People might say that’s boring, but I’m quite content.”
She smiled weakly and went to the kitchen to start lunch. I sat up on the kitchen counter and continued talking. “So, Ang, how’s work going?”
Her smile returned when she answered. “I am getting more and more clients. I think I might get salesperson of the month.”
“That’s fantastic!”
“Yeah, if I can keep it up, Lucas and I will be going to Hawaii for free.”
“I am envious of you, girl. You know how I want to travel.”
“Hey, maybe I can stuff you in my suitcase,” she offered.
“You know I will take you up on that, as long as you have a carryon for Jonathan to hide in.” We both giggled. Something suddenly clicked in my head. I hadn’t been attacked by a tongue bath. “Wait a sec… Where’s Maneater?”
Angie looked at me wearily when she answered. “I found him a good home.”
I couldn’t hide my shock. “You got rid of Maneater! But why?
”
“Dog hair. With Lucas over so much, it became an issue. Don’t worry, I found Manny a nice family to live with.” I was stunned Angie had gotten rid of the little dog she loved so much.
I looked around sadly. “The apartment seems empty without him.”
Angie shrugged. “I’m sure he is happier with little kids to play with. So, how are you doing these days?”
I noticed she was abruptly changing the subject, but I let it pass. “I’m doing okay, which is better than ‘fine’ as you know.” She grinned at me knowingly. “Oh yeah, and I just joined a small group of parents at Scott’s church. I think it’ll help.”
“That’s pretty brave of you, Beth.”
“You’re not kidding. I hate going alone, but at least I have Jonathan. He’s kind of my buffer. I can always leave if I want and blame it on the baby.”
Angie snorted. “You are a crafty one…”
I was done with the small talk. “Look Ang, I can tell something is up. Talk to me.”
“It’s nothing, Beth.”
I jumped off the counter and hugged her tight, whispering, “Please tell me what’s wrong.”
She held onto me and said nothing. We stood there for several minutes until I heard the front door open. Angie immediately let go and went back to cooking.
I stood there stunned, realizing Lucas was the problem. He walked into the kitchen with a wide grin on his face. “It smells great, hon!” He kissed Angie on the cheek and she was all smiles as if nothing were wrong.
Lucas glanced over at me with pride in his voice, “Isn’t she something else?”
I nodded blankly, not understanding the dynamics between them. Angie looked totally fine. He seemed happy as well—but it didn’t feel right.
With Lucas in the apartment, we weren’t able to have a meaningful conversation. I hated leaving Angie a few hours later, still feeling in the dark. I was determined to drag it out of her the next time she came to my house.
Chance Meeting
I was in for a surprise when I logged onto my BBS. Tranquility, AKA Carrie (Scott’s tire-slashing, stalker ex-girlfriend), was on the board asking to be reinstated back on The Lighthouse. I was shocked by her request and didn’t know how I felt about it.
When I noticed that she was still logged on, I decided to engage her in chat mode:
Hello Tranquility.
Oh wow. Hi Phoenix.
It’s been a while.
Yes it has.
There was a long pause. Even typing to her was awkward. Neither of us knew what to say and I didn’t quite trust her.
She started typing again.
I saw you at Scott’s funeral, but you probably don’t remember.
Yeah, well I wasn’t myself… That was a bad day. Don’t remember much.
I’m sorry about what happened.
Me too. I felt the sting of tears. Still not over it. Never will be, I guess. :^(
So how do you feel about me getting back on?
To be frank, I’m surprised. I had to know more before I made my final decision. Can I ask why you want to rejoin the Lighthouse?
I miss the place, Phoenix. I had lots of friends here. But I know it is a lot to ask.
I could totally understand feeling lost without the group, but I wondered if she was still emotionally unstable. I wasn’t about to put myself or my users through that again, so I typed:
How have you been?
Things haven’t been easy, Phoenix. But I’m getting by.
Have you found someone?
Nope. Still single, but that’s okay.
I understand…
Yeah, I guess you do. Sorry
I never would have guessed I’d be single again. I looked up at Scott’s picture on the wall and began typing again.
Life goes on, right, Tranquility?
Yes it does and I’m hopeful about the future.
I suddenly had a good feeling about Carrie. I couldn’t explain it, but I wanted her to rejoin our group.
You know, I am totally fine with you coming back. No hard feelings. The past is the past.
Thanks Phoenix!
See you on the board, Tranquility. Welcome back.
There seemed something full circle-ish about having Carrie back. It sounded like she was moving on with her life and that pleased me. Scott and I had confronted her and prayed with her after months of inflicted misery.
I wondered what Scott would think of my letting Carrie back on. Knowing his kind heart, I was sure he would have been pleased.