What I had yet to learn, though, is that things are seldom as neat and tidy as that starry-eyed anecdote you share documentary-style on a couch. What I figured out over time is that almost always, when you hear those stories from married couples, there is a little poetic license going on, a romantic spin, polished to a high shine over time. And unless you marry your high school sweetheart (and even sometimes then), there is usually a not-so-glorious back story. There are people and places and events that lead you to your final relationship, people and places and events you’d prefer to forget or at least gloss over. In the end, you can slap a pretty label on it—like serendipity or fate. Or you can believe that it’s just the random way life unfolds.
But no matter what you call it, it seems that every couple has two stories—the edited one to be shared from the couch and the unabridged version, best left alone. Andy and I were no different. Andy and I had both.
Both stories, though, started the same way. They both started with a letter that arrived in the mail one stiflingly humid afternoon the summer after I graduated from high school—and just a few short weeks before I’d leave my hometown of Pittsburgh for Wake Forest University, the beautiful, brick school in North Carolina I had discovered in a college catalog and then selected after they offered me a generous scholarship. The letter contained all sorts of important details about curriculum, dorm living, and orientation. But, most important, it included my much-anticipated roommate assignment, typed neatly on a line of its own: Margaret “Margot” Elizabeth Hollinger Graham. I studied her name, along with her address and phone number in Atlanta, Georgia, feeling both intimidated and impressed. All the kids at my public high school had common names like Kim and Jen and Amy. I didn’t know anyone with a name like Margot (that silent T got to me the most), and I definitely didn’t know anyone with two middle names. I was sure that Margot from Atlanta would be one of the beautiful girls featured in Wake Forest’s glossy brochures, the ones wearing pearl earrings and Laura Ashley floral print sundresses to football games. (I had only ever worn jeans and hooded sweatshirts to sporting events.) I was certain that she had a serious boyfriend, and imagined her ruthlessly dumping him by semester’s end, moving on to one of the lanky, barefooted boys sporting Greek letters and tossing a Frisbee on the quad in those same brochures.
I remember running inside with that letter to tell Suzanne the news. Suzanne was a rising junior at Penn State and well-versed in the ways of roommates. I found her in our room, applying a thick layer of metallic blue eye liner while listening to Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive” on her boom box.
I read Margot’s full name aloud, and then shared my predictions in an accent right out of Steel Magnolias, my best frame of reference for the South. I even cleverly worked in white pillars, Scarlett O’Hara, and servants aplenty. Mostly I was joking, but I also felt a surge of anxiety that I had picked the wrong school. I should have stuck to Pitt or Penn State like the rest of my friends. I was going to be a fish out of water, a Yankee misfit.
I watched Suzanne step away from her full-length mirror, propped at an angle to minimize the freshman-fifteen she hadn’t been able to shed, and say, “Your accents suck, Ellen. You sound like you’re from England, not Atlanta…And jeez, how ’bout giving the girl a chance? What if she assumed that you were a steel-town girl with no fashion sense?” She laughed and said, “Oh yeah…she’d actually be right about that!”
“Very funny,” I said, but couldn’t help smiling. Ironically, my moody sister was at her most likable when she was ripping on me.
Suzanne kept laughing as she rewound her cassette and belted out, “I walked these streets, a loaded six string on my back!” Then she stopped in mid-lyric and said, “But, seriously, this girl could be, like, a farmer’s daughter for all you know. And either way, you might really like her.”
“Do farmer’s daughters typically have four names?” I quipped.
“You never know,” Suzanne said in her sage big-sister voice. “You just never know.”
But my suspicions seemed confirmed when, a few days later, I received a letter from Margot written in perfect, adult handwriting on pale pink stationery. Her engraved silver monogram was the elaborate cursive kind, where the G of her last name was larger and flanked by the M and H. I wondered which rich relative she had slighted by overthrowing the E. The tone was effusive (eight exclamation points in all) yet also strangely businesslike. She said she couldn’t wait to meet me. She had tried to call me several times but hadn’t been able to reach me (we didn’t have call-waiting or an answering machine, a fact that embarrassed me). She said she would bring a small refrigerator and her stereo (which played CDs; I still hadn’t graduated from cassettes). She was hoping we could buy matching comforters. She had found some cute pink and sage green ones by Ralph Lauren, and offered to pick up two for us if I thought this sounded nice. But if I wasn’t a pink person, we could always go with yellow and lavender, “a fine combination.” Or turquoise and coral, “equally pleasing.” She just wasn’t wild about primary colors in interior designing, but was open to my suggestions. She told me she “truly” hoped that I would enjoy the rest of my summer and then signed the letter “Warmly, Margot,” a closing that, oddly enough, seemed more cool and sophisticated than warm. I had only ever signed letters with “Love” or “Sincerely” but made a mental note to try “Warmly” on for size. It would be the first of many things I’d copy from Margot.
I worked up the courage to phone her the next afternoon, clutching a pen and pad in my hand to be sure I didn’t miss anything, such as a suggestion that we coordinate our toiletries—keep everything in the pastel family.
The phone rang twice and then a male voice said hello. I assumed it was Margot’s father, or perhaps it was the gardener in for a tall glass of freshly squeezed lemonade. In my most proper telephone voice, I asked to speak to Margot.
“She’s over at the club, playing tennis,” he replied.
Club, I thought. Bingo. We belonged to a club, technically speaking, but it was really just the neighborhood pool, called a club, which comprised a small, rectangular pool flanked by a Fritos-serving snack bar on one end, a diving board on the other, all surrounded by a chain-link fence. I was fairly certain that Margot’s club was a different sort altogether. I imagined the rows of clay tennis courts, the dainty sandwiches served on china plates, the rolling hills of the golf course spotted with weeping willows, or whatever tree was indigenous to Georgia.
“May I take a message?” he asked. His Southern accent was subtle, only revealing itself in his I.
I hesitated, stumbled slightly, and then shyly introduced myself as Margot’s roommate-to-be.
“Oh, hey there! This is Andy. Margot’s brother.”
And there it was.
Andy. My future husband’s name—which I would later learn was short for Andrew Wallace Graham III.
Andy went on to say that he went to Vanderbilt, but that his best friend from home was going to be a senior at Wake Forest, and he and his buddies would be sure to show us the ropes, share their insight about professors and sororities, keep us out of trouble, and “all that good stuff.”
I thanked him, feeling myself ease somewhat.
“No problem,” Andy said. And then, “So Margot’s going to be excited to hear from you. I know she wanted to discuss bedspreads or curtains or something…I sure hope you like the color pink.”
I replied with an earnest, “Oh. Yes. I love pink.”
It was a fib that would be recounted for years to come, even working its way into Andy’s toast to me at our rehearsal dinner, much to the delight of Margot and our closest friends, all of whom knew that although I had my feminine side, I was far from a girly-girl.
“Well. Aw-right,” Andy said. “A match made in pink heaven.”
I smiled and thought, no matter what else unfolded with Margot, she had a very nice brother.
As it turned out, I was right about both Andy and Margot. He was nice, and she was just about
everything I wasn’t. For starters we were physical opposites. She was a petite yet still curvy, fair-skinned, blue-eyed blonde. I had dark hair and hazel eyes, skin that looked tanned even in the dead of winter, and a tall, athletic frame. We were equally attractive, but Margot had a soft, whimsical look about her while my features were more easily described as handsome.
Our backgrounds, too, couldn’t be more different. Margot lived in a huge, beautiful home on several acres of gorgeous, tree-lined property in the wealthiest part of Atlanta—an estate by any measure. I grew up in a small ranch with Brady Bunch—orange kitchen counters in a blue-collar part of Pittsburgh. Margot’s father was a prominent attorney who also served on the board of several companies. My dad was a salesman—selling unglamorous goods like those projectors for mind-numbingly boring filmstrips that lazy teachers made you watch in elementary school. Margot’s mother was a former beauty queen from Charleston, with a Babe Paley-esque fashion sensibility and fine, elegant bones. Mine had been a no-nonsense junior-high pre-algebra teacher before she died of lung cancer, even though she had never smoked, the day before my thirteenth birthday.
Margot had two older brothers, both of whom adored her. Her family was the Southern WASP equivalent of the Kennedys, playing touch football on the beach at Sea Island, taking ski trips every winter, and spending occasional Christmases in Europe. My sister and I spent our vacations at the Jersey Shore with our grandparents. We didn’t own passports, had never been out of the country, and had only been on an airplane once.
Margot was a cheerleader and former debutante, brimming with the brand of confidence that belongs to wealthy, well-traveled WASPs. I was reserved, slightly neurotic, and despite my strong desire to belong, far more comfortable on the sidelines of things.
Yet despite our differences, we became best friends. And then, years later, in what would make a perfect documentary-style couch story, I fell in love with her brother. The one I just knew would be as cute as he was nice.
But a lot of things had to happen before I married Andy and after that letter from Margot arrived in the mail. A lot of things. And one of them was Leo. The one I would love before I loved Andy. The one I would grow to hate, but still love, long after we broke up. The one I would finally, finally get over. Then see again, years later, in a New York City crosswalk.
Three
“Where are you now?” Leo asks.
I inhale sharply as I consider my answer. For one beat I think he means the question in a philosophical sense—Where are you in life?—and I nearly tell him about Andy. My friends and family. My career as a photographer. What a good, contented place I’m in. Answers that, until recently, I scripted in the shower and on the subway, hoping for this very opportunity. The chance to tell him that I had survived and gone on to much greater happiness.
But as I start to say some of this, I realize what Leo is actually asking me. He means literally where am I sitting or standing or walking? In what little corner of New York am I digesting and pondering what just transpired?
The question rattles me in the same way you feel rattled when someone asks you how much you weigh or how much money you make or any other personal, probing question you’d strongly prefer not to answer. But, in refusing to answer it outright, you’re afraid you’ll look defensive or rude. Later, of course, you replay the exchange and think of the perfect, politely evasive response. Only my scale knows the truth…Never enough money, I’m afraid. Or in this instance: Out and about.
But, there in the moment, I always clumsily blurt out the answer. My true weight. My salary down to the dollar. Or, in this case, the name of the diner where I am having coffee on a cold, rainy day.
Oh well, I think, once it’s off my tongue. After all, it is probably better to be straightforward. Being evasive could translate as an attempt to be flirtatious or coy: Guess where I am. Come find me, why don’t you.
Still, Leo answers quickly, knowingly. “Right,” he says, as if this diner had been a special hangout of ours. Or, worse, as if I were just that predictable. Then he asks if I’m alone.
None of your business, I want to say, but instead my mouth opens and I serve up a plain, simple, inviting yes. Like a single red checker sidling up to double-decker black ones, just waiting to be jumped.
Sure enough, Leo says, “Good. I’m coming over. Don’t move.” Then he hangs up before I can respond. I flip my phone shut and panic. My first instinct is to simply get up and walk out. But I command myself not to be a coward. I can handle seeing him again. I am a mature, stable, happily wed woman. So what is the big deal about seeing an ex-boyfriend, having a little polite conversation? Besides, if I were to flee, wouldn’t I be playing a game that I have no business playing? A game that was lost a long time ago?
So instead I set about eating my bagel. It is tasteless—only texture—but I keep chewing and swallowing, remembering to sip my coffee along the way. I do not allow myself another glance in the mirror. I will not apply a fresh coat of lip gloss or even check my teeth for food. Let there be a poppy seed wedged between my front teeth. I have nothing to prove to him. And nothing to prove to myself.
That is my last thought before I see his face through the rain-streaked door of the diner. My heart starts pounding again and my leg bounces up and down. I think how nice it would be to have one of Andy’s beta blockers—harmless pills he takes before court appearances to keep his mouth from getting dry, his voice from shaking. He insists that he’s not really nervous, but that somehow his physical symptoms indicate otherwise. I tell myself that I am not nervous either. My body is simply betraying my head and heart. It happens.
I watch Leo give his umbrella a quick shake as he glances around the diner, past Annie who is mopping the floor underneath a booth. He doesn’t see me at first, and for some reason, this gives me a vague sense of power.
But that is gone in an instant when his eyes find mine. He gives me a small, quick smile, then lowers his head and strides toward me. Seconds later, he is standing beside my table, shedding his black leather coat that I remember well. My stomach rises, falls, rises. I am fearful that he will bend down and kiss my cheek. But no, that is not his style. Andy kisses my cheek. Leo never did. True to his old form, he skips niceties and slides into the booth across from me, shaking his head, once, twice. He looks exactly as I remember, but a little older, and somehow bolder and more vivid—his hair darker, his build bulkier, his jaw stronger. A stark contrast to Andy’s fine features, long limbs, light coloring. Andy is easier on the eyes, I think. Andy is easier period. The same way a walk on the beach is easy. A Sunday nap. A round peg in a round hole.
“Ellen Dempsey,” he finally says, looking into my eyes.
I couldn’t have scripted a better opening line. I embrace it, staring back into his brown eyes, banded by black rims. “Ellen Graham,” I announce proudly.
Leo furrows his brow, as if trying to place my new last name, which he should have been able to instantly trace to Margot, my roommate when we were together. But he can’t seem to make the connection. This should not surprise me. Leo never cared to learn much about my friends—and never cared for Margot at all. The feeling was mutual. After my first big fight with Leo, one that reduced me to a sniveling, Girl, Interrupted-worthy mess, Margot took the only pictures I had of him at the time, a strip of black-and-white candids from a photo booth, and ripped them in a neat line, straight down a row of his foreheads, noses, lips, leaving my grinning faces unscathed.
“See how much better you look now?” Margot said. “Without that asshole?”
That’s a friend, I remember thinking, even as I located a roll of tape and carefully put Leo back together again. I thought the same thing about Margot again when Leo and I broke up for good and she bought me a congratulations card and a bottle of Dom Pérignon. I saved the cork, wrapping the strip of photos around it with a rubber band and stowing it in my jewelry box—until Margot discovered it years later when returning a pair of gold hoop earrings she had borrowed from me.
r /> “What’s this all about?” she said, rolling the cork between her fingers.
“Um…you got me that champagne,” I said, chagrinned. “After Leo. Remember?”
“You saved the cork? And these pictures?”
I stammered that I viewed the cork as a token of my friendship with her, nothing else—although the truth was, I couldn’t bear to part with anything that had anything to do with Leo.
Margot raised her brows, but dropped the subject, the way she dropped most controversial things. It seemed to be the Southern way. Or at least Margot’s way.
In any event, I have just stated my married name to Leo. A not-so-small triumph.
Leo raises his chin, pushes out his lower lip, and says, “Oh? Congratulations.”
“Thanks.” I am jubilant, buoyant—and then slightly ashamed for feeling so victorious. The opposite of love is indifference, I silently recite.
“So. Who’s the lucky guy?” he asks.
“You remember Margot?”
“Sure, I do.”
“I married her brother. I think you met him?” I say vaguely, even though I know for an absolute fact that Leo and Andy met once, at a bar in the East Village. At the time, it was only a brief, meaningless encounter between my boyfriend and my best friend’s brother. An exchange of How ya doin?…Nice to meet you, man. Maybe a handshake. Standard guy stuff. But years later, after Leo and I had long broken up, and Andy and I had begun to date, I would deconstruct that moment in exhausting detail, as any woman would.