Chapter 6
Makynzee
Jay’s gone. She left early this morning. I wish she could have stayed longer, but she has to get back to work. It’s Monday and I should be headed to work right now, but Kalil hasn’t called me. Neither has Cari. I guess that means I need to find another job. I haven’t talked to my mom since I threw the vase at her. She hasn’t really been home since then, but I can hear her in the kitchen now. I should apologize to her. Maybe I shouldn’t. It won’t kill me. I get up from my bed and go downstairs. She’s sitting at the table blowing steam from something in a mug. I don’t smell any coffee so I guess its tea. I stand in the kitchen doorway and wait for her to look at me. When she does her eyes are unreadable.
“Ma, can I talk to you for a minute?”
She’s quiet, but she looks at the chair across from her then back at me. She’s too calm.
“I didn’t mean to throw that vase at you the other day. I don’t know what I was thinking and I’m sorry.”
“Is that it?”
She doesn’t deserve an apology. She’s still more concerned with me standing Stanley up. My pride will get me nowhere with her, so I swallow it. “I’m sorry for not going to lunch with you and Stanley like I said I would, I’ll make it up to him.” I’m lying. I don’t care that I stood him up and I won’t make it up to him.
“You can do it tonight, he’s coming over for dinner.”
“But I have to work tonight.”
“Then you’ll call in sick.”
“I can’t just call in, I have to…” The rest is silenced by the slap to my face. She’s standing now. I don’t say anything. She’s still too calm, which means it’s not over.
“Let me give you a reason to not go in then.”
I don’t have time to respond. I cringe and cry out in pain. Tea streams from my right cheek down to my right breast. I jump up and grab a handful of paper towels to dry myself. My mom is yelling something, but I block her out. I grab more paper towels and run cool water over them before draping them over my burns. I don’t think the tea was hot enough to leave any marks, but it hurts like hell. I look back at my mom. She’s crying, but also yelling. Apparently I’m an ungrateful bitch. If I wasn’t sure before now, my mom has just proven that she’s crazy. Why in the hell is she crying?
“Stanley will be here in half an hour to have dinner with us, make yourself presentable.”
I leave the kitchen without responding. I have to get out of this house, school can wait. What am I saying? School can’t wait. It’s my ticket out of here. My phone is ringing. I don’t recognize the number, but whoever it is has been calling all weekend. I silence the ringer and just as I’m about to get in the shower it rings again. It’s Cari. Since there’s no way I’ll be able to leave this house at all tonight, I’ll call her back later.
The silence is awkward, but my mom and Stanley pretend not to notice. I ask him to pass the salt and he smiles as he does. I think he might actually be a nice guy. I don’t care though. He’s not my dad and he obviously really likes my mom. I either tolerate him or suffer my mom’s wrath, so I ignore my feelings for now and make small talk with him. He seems happy that I’m finally acknowledging him. My mom smiles brightly and laughs a little too hard at his jokes. He’s pretty corny, but I laugh as well. My body burns. I discreetly adjust my bra strap to lessen the pain. Stanley doesn’t notice, but my mom chastises me with her eyes. I smile and ask Stanley questions about his job. He’s the head doctor at his own practice. Go figure. After dinner they leave to go have drinks somewhere. I lie in my bed listening to music since I can’t sleep. My phone rings and I see that same number. Irritated, I answer and yell, “Whoever you are stop calling me, you’re pissing me off!”
“So you weren’t intentionally ignoring me, you honestly didn’t know it was me?”
I think my heart skips a beat. It’s been Kalil the whole time. Between Jay being here and my mom being crazy I didn’t even think to check the voicemails. I could kick myself. He’s been calling me since Saturday night. I remind myself that I’m still mad at him. “Well now that I actually know it’s you it’s safe to say I was ignoring you.”
“What I gotta do to fix that?”
Hmm…I hadn’t thought of that yet. “I’ll think about it.” I hang up. Why did I just hang up?! I want to ask Jay what I should do, but if I call her we’ll end up talking about my mom. My phone beeps. It’s a text message from Kalil. It makes the burn hurt more, but I can’t help smiling. He wants to know what I’m listening to.
Wht makes u thk I’m listening 2 anything?
I may not knw much abt u, but I knw ur listening to music
U hv to guess, if u get it right I’ll talk to u
Vague
I’ll gv u good clues
K
Musiq (Soulchild)
Aijuswanaseing
Artist n album…
How long do I hv?
Take ur time
N if I thk I hv it I can call?
Only if u knw u hv it
I need another clue, 2 many songs on the album
Another clue means a time limit
K
“Many nights I’ve cried from the things u do
Felt like I cld die from the thought of losing u”
My phone rings and I answer with, “That was quick.”
“Have I made you cry?”
He’s cheating. He can’t ask me that yet. “Do you know the song?”
“No, I just wanted to know if there was any truth behind it.”
Of course there is, but I’m not going to tell him that. “Call me when you know what the song is.” I hang up again. He doesn’t call back or text. I wonder if he’s just playing along or if I’ve gone too far. He has a quick temper. I go to my voicemail and listen to the messages he’s left. The first two are telling me he needs to talk to me and asking me to call him back. The last two are him telling me to stop ignoring him or he’d come to my mom’s house. I laugh. I wonder how my mom would react if he came here. I stop laughing when I remember she’s insane. I’ll never bring him here. My phone rings.
“Love,” he says.
“What’s on your mind, Kalil?”
“Three things.”
“I’m listening.”
“I probably would have never done it on my own, but you suggested it, so I Googled you.”
I’m not sure how to respond. If he did, it means he knows about gymnastics and he’s most likely seen a video of me performing. It also means he knows about my dad and my sister. I sit at my desk and power up my computer as I take my headphones off. “Okay.”
“I’m sorry about your dad.”
When people say they’re sorry, what exactly are you supposed to say back? Thank you? I don’t know how to respond to that either, so I change the subject. “Does that make two or is that still one?”
“That’s still one, two is you’re a real live gymnast.”
He says this as if we don’t really exist. I laugh. “I used to be.”
“I’ve seen it, I’m no expert, but you’re pretty good at it.”
I’m great at it. I miss it. It was my only outlet. “Thank you.” I turn my music on. He has my mind on gymnastics now. Thinking about it makes me sad.
“Why’d you stop?”
I think he partially knows. When my mom pulled me out my coach made a big fuss because she was ruining my chances for a college scholarship and another trip to the Olympics. It got pretty ugly and made the news. She was my legal guardian so there wasn’t much he could do. She blamed it on the death of my dad. Said I couldn’t cope with my grief. Liar. I gave some of my best performances after he died. I did it for him. “My mom said I was fat, she pulled me out.” Why did I tell him that?! He’s quiet. I find Joss Stone’s album and lie in my bed before he says anything else.
“You’re beautiful.”
My dad is the only other man who’s ever called me beautiful. I’m already emotional, so this pushes me over the
edge. I tell him to hold on then put the phone on mute as I sob quietly into my pillow. When I’m done I say his name. “What’s number three?”
“You’re mad at me, I’m sorry.”
I’m not used to this. He’s so nice; nothing like he is when he’s at the club and dealing with other people.
“I’m not mad, Kalil.”
“Hurt?”
“Wouldn’t you be?”
“No.”
“It wouldn’t hurt your feelings if I rejected you?” Ugh. Why did I say that? We’re both quiet.
“You honestly think I rejected you?”
He sounds disappointed. I’m the one who felt like less of a woman for being a virgin, so how can he be disappointed? I’m pissed now. “Kalil, you got up and put your clothes back on like it was nothing. You told me to go home and pretty much not come back. I could be wrong, but that seems like rejection to me.”
“You took that the wrong way.”
“How did you think I would take it?”
“When I got up the first thing I said was not like this. Maybe you missed that, but the whole point was your first time is supposed to be special, not in a club, so I told you to leave.”
Of course I hadn’t thought of that. I should really go ahead and kick myself now. He actually wants me. “That’s not your decision to make, Kalil. My body, my choice. Where you’re at doesn’t make it special, who you’re with does.”
He’s quiet. I guess he hadn’t thought of that either.
“Are you sure you’re only 19?”
Only? I frown. “What does that have to do with anything?” I’m irritated. Why is my age such a big deal for him? He’s only 6 years older than me. My dad was 8 years older than my mom.
“Nothing, you just seem older, more mature.”
“Then why was it so hard for you to believe that I was 21?”
“Your ass looks 21, your frame of mind seems more like 35, but your face makes me wonder.”
Was that a compliment? I wish I could see him.
“I have a question,” he says.
I hesitate. He always has questions. He never asks permission to ask them.
“What?”
“How’d you make it through 19 years without having sex?”
We both laugh.
“Daddy’s little girl, I wanted someone just like him, pretty big shoes to fill and gymnastics is demanding. For a while I didn’t have time for boys, wasn’t even interested in them.” I can guess his next questions, so I answer them before he asks. “I grew out of it. I don’t need another dad and yes I’ve had boyfriends.”
He laughs. I want him here with me. I want his lips on me. “I have a question,” I say.
He’s quiet. I wonder what he’s thinking. I wonder where he’s at. It’s too quiet for him to be at the club. “Where are you?”
“Home.”
“Okay, I still have a question.”
“No.”
“You don’t even know the question.”
“You’re gonna ask about dancing.”
He frustrates me. He’s good, but not that good. “You need more than yes or no to answer my question, I know you don’t want me to, I wanna know why.”
He’s quiet. I don’t think he’s going to answer me. I hear the garage door open and check my watch. It’s almost midnight. I wish I was at work. Then again Kalil isn’t there, so being there would be no better than being here. I’m not even sure if I have a job anymore. I think I’m dating my boss. That’s gotta be wrong, right?
“That should be obvious.”
It’s not. I wait for him to say more.
“I’m selfish.”
I smile as I wonder if this means we’re actually a couple. “What are we, Kalil?” I doubt he expected that. It sounds like he dropped his phone. My ears hone in on Stanley and my mom on the stairs. I turn my lamp off, lower my music and lock my room door.
“What can I be to you?”
I frown. It’s a weird question. I want to answer him, but my mom is at my door calling my name. I wonder if Kalil can hear her, but he doesn’t say anything.
“I think she’s asleep,” Stanley says.
My mom actually giggles and tells Stanley to follow her. God kill me now. I hear them move down the hall to her room - her room that still has the bed that she shared with my dad. I try to block the image, but I get a visual of her and Stanley in bed together. “Fuck my life.” I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping it will erase the image. It doesn’t. Kalil laughs. I almost forgot he was on the phone. “What’s so funny?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you curse…it’s cute.”
I don’t think it’s cute. I try not to do it, but lately it’s been slipping out more. “Do I still have a job?”
“No.”
I hate him. I’m lying. I love him. “Why not?”
“I can’t be your man if you work for me.”
“I never said you were my man.”
“If I can’t be your man I’ll just stalk you.”
I wonder how much truth is in that statement. “But I could still keep my job, right?”
“Sure, makes it easier to stalk you,” he says with a chuckle.
“And I could dance.”
“You’ll never dance in that club.”
He should’ve been less specific. I call his bluff. “I never said it had to be in that club, but I would think you would want it to be since you’re so selfish.”
He’s quiet. Thinking. “You wouldn’t do that.”
“I don’t have a man to tell me I can’t and since I have no job I guess that makes me a free agent, you sleep on that and let me know if you change your mind, goodnight.” I hang up. I want to talk more, but apparently my mom is really enjoying whatever Stanley is doing to her. Her moaning is getting louder and making me sick. I quickly turn my computer off, plug my headphones into my phone, and turn the volume up to its max. My phone beeps. It’s a text from Kalil. He thinks I’m being unfair. I’m not. I’m being realistic. Being a barmaid won’t be enough to get me my own place and pay for school and transportation. I don’t respond to him.