“I’m so mad at you,” she whispered against my chest.
I smiled slightly. “I know. I’m mad at me, too.”
Her head rose and she looked up at me, shaking her head. “No, I’m only mad at you because I know you’re trying to protect me from something. But I don’t need your protection.”
“I don’t know what to do, Ash. Everything’s a mess.”
“Talk to me about it. Let me in.”
I sighed, holding her against me. “You deserve so much more than hiding out in high school basements. You don’t deserve to be someone’s secret, Ashlyn. You deserve to be the chorus to a person’s favorite song. You deserve to be the dedication in their favorite book. And right now? Right now, I can’t offer you that. You deserve a shot at a normal senior year. I’m just complicating things.”
She pushed herself away from me, frowning. “Stop it, okay?” She looked up with tears in her eyes. “Stop telling me what I deserve. What’s good for me. What’s right for our situation. I don’t care about that stuff.” The tears rolled down her cheeks. “There’s nothing normal about my life. I have a dead twin. My mother disowned me. Hell, I find Hemingway freaking therapeutic.
“And you—you’re in a freaking band that bases their songs off of Shakespeare! Your mother was murdered and you were playing a concert seven days after your father died. We. Are. Not. Normal. I don’t want a normal senior year. I want you.
“If I learned anything these past few months, it’s that life sucks, Daniel. It sucks. It’s mean, it’s vicious, and it’s unapologetic. It’s dark and cruel. But then, sometimes, it’s so beautiful that it knocks all of that darkness out of your system with the light.
“I was so alone…” She paused and rapidly tapped her fingertips against her bottom lip. “I was so alone before I arrived at Joe’s bar. And then you sat on that stage and sang to me. You brought me the light on my darkest days. But you never open up to me. You never let me in.”
I moved over to her and brushed my thumbs underneath her eyes. “I was traveling back from Chicago when I first saw you. I went to spend a few days with my grandmother, making sure she was okay after my father’s death. I sat on that train, seconds away from falling apart. Then I looked up and saw those green eyes and I knew somehow, someway, things would be okay.” When she tilted her head up toward me, my lips glazed over hers. “You didn’t bring me the light, Ashlyn. You are the light.”
She smiled that perfect smile and laughed lightly. “Normal is overrated anyway. Bring on the freaks and weirdos.” She paused. “I don’t have to go to California. I can stay here with you after school is out. I can go to a community college and we can build up your house. We can be together.”
My head fell to the ground. I cleared my throat. What am I doing? I knew I was sending out the wrong signals to her, I knew I was confusing her. But I didn’t bring her down to the basement to reunite. My mind thought of the note Gabby had given me and the threats Jace had made. And now she was considering giving up her dream for me.
“We can’t do this anymore, Ashlyn,” I whispered.
Her eyes widened, surprised by my words. “What?”
“I can’t see you anymore.” I wondered if the words burned her as much as they were burning me.
“What are you doing, Daniel?” she questioned, stepping away from me. “You brought me down here to…to break up with me?” Her eyes glassed over, yet she didn’t let the tears fall.
I didn’t reply. I felt if I said the actual words then they would hold more truth than I was interested in succumbing to.
“Say it!” she hollered, moving over to me. She shoved me hard against the chest. “Say it! Say you don’t want to be with me!”
“Ashlyn,” I choked out. I was doing this to her; I was breaking her.
The tears started to pour out from her eyes and her body began to shake. “Say you don’t want me anymore! Say it!” she cried as she pounded against my chest. With every hit, a part of me died. With every punch, a part of her disappeared, too.
I grabbed her wrists and pulled her against me, holding her close.
“I let you in,” she sobbed against me, her fists hitting my body. “I let you in and you’re leaving me.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, holding her in my arms. I tried my best to comfort her, but it felt pointless since I was the one hurting her. “I love you so much.”
“No.” She pushed herself away from my hold. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to hurt me and hold me, Daniel.” She took a deep inhale and wiped away the tears still pouring from her eyes. “That’s the first time you even said those words. You can’t say you love me and then break my heart. So say what you really need to say. Say it and I’m gone.”
I took a breath and looked down to the ground. When my eyes rose, I saw her bloodshot stare. I exhaled. “I’m breaking up with you, Ashlyn.”
She let out a small whimper before all the color was drained from her face. Her body shivered for a moment. She turned toward the exit and began to walk away. “Go to hell, Daniel.”
Don’t believe the lies.
~ Romeo’s Quest
What kind of asshole broke up with a person after leading them on? I needed a cold shower to calm me down, because my blood hadn’t stopped boiling all day. I walked toward the bathroom to wash up and paused when I heard Henry’s voice inside.
“I know… No, she doesn’t know. Kim, it doesn’t matter! She’s staying here.”
A lump formed in my throat.
Kim.
As in, my mom Kim?
“Okay. Okay. Goodbye.” His voice faded away and the doorknob turned open. When he saw me, he stepped back. “Ashlyn. What are you doing?”
“Since when do you use the bathroom upstairs, Henry?”
He walked past me and shrugged. “Rebecca was in the one downstairs.”
“Oh.” I searched him for any kind of emotion in his body language. Nothing. “Then why were you talking to Mom?”
He rotated back toward me. There was a sudden twitch in his mouth and his eyes darted back and forth. “University of Southern California is interested in you attending. Mr. Daniels is going to help by writing you a recommendation.”
“Don’t change the subject! And I don’t want his help!” I yapped like a child. I felt it, too. My angst, young instincts hammering my emotions.
Henry must have been thrown off by my response. His face showed bewilderment. “Calm down, Ashlyn.”
I couldn’t. It was as if the world were trying to push me to the edge, and I wanted to jump. How could Mom call Henry but not me? Not one text message my way? “I won’t calm down! I’m tired of everyone trying to help me when I don’t ask for help. You all don’t know what’s best for me. I didn’t want to move here. I didn’t want to go to your stupid high school. I didn’t want anything to do with you. Why can’t anyone just talk to me? I’m nineteen years old, not five! I’m a freaking adult! You’re ruining my life!” I rushed away with tears and slammed my bedroom door.
Hailey was sitting on her bed with Kleenex next to her. She’d been sick for the past few days, and her nose was redder than ever. “Ashlyn, what’s wrong?”
Before I could respond, the bedroom door opened and Henry stepped inside. “Hailey, Ashlyn and I need to talk.”
“I don’t want to talk to you!” I screamed, feeling the burning tears running down my face. I crashed onto my bed and cried against my pillows. “I don’t see why you all won’t just tell me the truth! Someone just let me in!”
“She’s in rehab, Ashlyn.”
His words sounded as if they had been dosed in heavy guilt. I looked up, my eyes red, confused. Hailey picked up her box of Kleenex with widened eyes.
“Oh? What’s that, Ryan?! You need me? I’ll be right there.” She awkwardly made her way around Henry and disappeared.
“What?” I muttered. My stomach was in knots. I held on to the pillow so tight I was almost certain the stuffing was going to fall out from
pressure overload. I blinked rapidly, trying to control my thoughts. “What do you mean she’s in rehab?”
Henry’s feet sank into the carpeted floor with each step he took closer to me. “She started drinking a lot more after we found out Gabby was sick.”
“She had it under control,” I whispered.
His head shook. “No. She didn’t. At the funeral, she told me she was checking herself into a three-month program. She gets out around Christmas. Ashlyn, your coming here had nothing to do with your mom not wanting you. It was Kim’s idea because she wanted to be able to be the parent you deserved.”
A tinge of anger ran through me. “So sending me off to a person who doesn’t even care about my whereabouts was her choice?! I could have stayed with Jeremy! He’s more of a father to me than you ever have been!” I tasted it—the brutal flavor of my words. I hated myself for screaming them at Henry, but he was the only one there. And it had always been so easy to blame him for all of my letdowns in life.
Henry cleared his throat and swallowed hard. “It’s funny. You begged for people to talk to you, to let you in because you are an adult. Then when you are let in to the reality of adulthood, you instantly turn into that five-year-old girl you denied being.”
I knew he was right, but I hated the idea of him being right. I was that five-year-old hurt girl. Every thought flying through my mind was based on the idea of hurting Henry. Because he had hurt me by being right. I didn’t want him to be right! I wanted him to be the deadbeat father who’d walked out!
“At least I’m not a cheater!”
His eyes glassed over and he stumbled back, stunned. “You’re grounded.” His words didn’t make sense to me. Could he ground me? Did he reserve that right?
“I’m going out tonight.” I crossed my arms across my chest, sitting up straight.
“No. You’re not. As long as you live here, you follow my rules. I’m sick of it, Ashlyn!” His voice rose, sending chills through me. “I’m sick of the attitude. I’m sick of the blame. I’m sick of feeling like I can’t ask where you’re going because you might get pissed. I’m sick of it all. Yes, I wasn’t there when you were younger. I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. I fucked up. But right now? Right now, you don’t get to talk to me any damn way you want. Right now, I’m in charge.”
“But—”
“No buts. For the next week, you go to church, go to school, and come home. Wash, rinse, repeat. End of story. Dinner’s in an hour.”
“I’M. NOT. HUNGRY!”
“I. DON’T. CARE!” He left in haste, leaving his footprints in the carpet and slamming the door, making me scream against my pillow in irritation.
I sat at the dinner table while everyone took part in their prayers again. My folding chair was cutting into my thighs still, and I wiggled around in my seat.
Ryan bent over to me. “Switch spots?”
I declined his offer. He asked me almost every time we ate.
“Amen,” was muttered.
Henry was sitting across from me, so I made sure not to look his way. I hated the idea of being in the same room with him. I didn’t even know why I was. Stand up! Go! Leave! My brain was screaming at me to make my dash and say, “Screw you!” to Henry. But my heart was stupid, and currently it was louder than my head.
A part of me was pleased with the jerk for punishing me. He’d never looked more like a father than he had in that moment.
“Ashlyn, I hear you’re grounded for a while,” Rebecca said flatly, eating her dinner.
My eyes shifted to my peas, which I pushed around. “I guess.”
“Well, you’ll have a lot of company. Ryan’s grounded, too.”
Ryan pushed away from the table, shaking it. “What?! What did I do?!”
Rebecca’s voice was calm as ever. “What didn’t you do, Ryan? Rumor has it you were at a party last weekend.”
Ryan’s mouth dropped open and he rolled his eyes. “Really? You’re grounding me because I was at a party?! I’ve been at fifty parties this year!”
“No. I’m grounding you because of the drugs I found in the laundry.”
My eyes darted to Hailey, who was still from shock. Ryan’s confusion was painted across his face. When he turned toward Hailey, he cleared his expression and sighed, knowing for a fact that they were his sister’s.
“Fine. I’m grounded. Big deal.” He ran his hands through his hair and stayed calm. I didn’t know I could love Ryan more until I witnessed him take the blame for his younger sister.
“For the month.” Rebecca was coming down on him hard, and I cringed by the detestation in her tone. “Actually, make it two months.”
“What the hell is your problem?!” Ryan screamed, pushing himself farther from the table. “Seriously. What the fuck did I ever do to you?!”
“Watch your language.” His mom was angry, but it seemed like it had nothing to do with the drugs she’d found.
“Why would I?! Even if I did watch my language and do all of the ‘good boy’ things that you want me to do, I wouldn’t be enough for you. For the love of God, just say it. Say that you blame me for Dad’s death and then maybe for one day you can stop acting like such a complete bitch!” The words fly off Ryan’s tongue as fast as Rebecca’s hand slapped his face.
Henry stood up, stunned, and stepped between the two. “Cool it! Okay? Everyone take a breather!” Rebecca pushed to move around Henry, but he held her back.
“You’re an ungrateful boy who doesn’t know how much I helped you. I saved you, Ryan!” She had tears streaming down her cheeks.
“Saved me?! You’re crazy.”
Hailey rocketed from her chair. “They were my drugs.”
The room went silent until Rebecca laughed. “Don’t cover for your brother, Hailey.”
“I’m not.” She turned to her mom and her face went pale. “Theo gave them to me. I thought they would help our relationship because I wanted to have sex with him before he went to college. He told me that he would love me if I just tried what he liked.”
Rebecca’s eyes widened in horror. She ran her hands up and down her sides, pacing back and forth. When her body froze, she shook her head. “This is your fault!” she screamed at Ryan. “Y-you set a bad example for your sister with your devilish ways!”
“Rebecca!” Henry roared, looking at her as if she were a monster.
“It’s true! He killed his father and now he’s trying to kill his sister!”
“Shut up!” I screamed, unable to contain myself from the hateful words she’d just spit at Ryan.
The room reached its peak for the evening.
Ryan’s shoulders fell in a world of dismay at his mother’s words. He started to clap slowly, a sad grin on his lips. “And there it is, folks.” He took a final bow and walked out of the front door, slamming it shut.
We all stood there, the words of hate echoing off the walls.
“How could you?” Hailey whispered. “Dad’s death already destroyed him. He was already terrified that you blamed him.”
She followed after Ryan, and I was quick to travel to the front porch, too.
He was sitting there with his fake cigarette box in his hands, tapping it against his knee. “I’m fine, girls.”
We each took a seat on the porch next to him, the cold winter air biting at our faces. Hailey’s red nose kept sniffling and Ryan wrapped his arms around his little sister, trying to warm her up. But the sniffles weren’t from her cold. They were from the tears.
That night, we each lit a fake cigarette. For past hurts and present pains.
Never lose sight of the things that make sense.
~ Romeo’s Quest
December came with a heavy supply of snowfall. Ryan and Rebecca hadn’t spoken a word to one another since the big fight. It’d been weeks since Ryan’s been tapping his fake cigarette box against his leg.
Jake was having a party tonight, and I wasn’t looking forward to it at all. But I was going for Ryan, who hadn’t stopped talk
ing about our fake IDs since we’d gotten them. Plus, he really needed a night out, even though he was technically grounded.
Then there was my big issue that didn’t seem so big in the scheme of things, but in my heart, it was gigantic.
I missed Daniel. I hated the fact that I missed him so much, but I did. I cried in the shower sometimes. Other times I cried into my pillow. I also cried because I was certain he wasn’t tearing up over me.
Before heading home to meet Hailey and Ryan for the party, I stopped by the library to return my books—and I picked out another one to read in a corner at Jake’s house.
As I searched for my next read, I heard my name being called. “Ashlyn?”
I looked up to see a familiar face that made me want to cry even more because it was linked to Daniel. “Hey, Randy. How are you?” I whispered, hoping not to draw too much attention to the librarian.
He leaned his back against the bookshelf and I watched the novels rock slightly. My throat tightened at the idea of all of the pages and pages of stories crashing to the ground. “I’m good.” He held a book up. “Just picking up some song material. I haven’t seen you around lately. Did Dan and you get into a fight?”
No. More of a, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ type thing.
“We aren’t seeing each other anymore.”
Randy looked generally surprised. “What?! He didn’t say anything about y’all breaking up.”
My heart twisted harshly in my chest.
That hurt.
“Yeah, well…” I gave him a strained grin. A bad taste developed in my mouth as I stood with Randy. I didn’t want to talk to him about Daniel. Especially about how Daniel wasn’t thinking of me.
Randy crossed his arms and leaned in toward me. “You misunderstood me, I think, Ashlyn. When Dan is hurting, he doesn’t talk about things. He closes himself off. And since his parents passed away, you have been the only thing that has been able to open him back up… Is it because of the student-teacher thing?”
My eyes shifted. How did Randy know about that? I thought Daniel didn’t want to tell anyone. “I don’t think we should talk about this.” For the first time since I’d met Randy, I really looked at him. His shaggy hair danced across the top of his eyebrows. His thin lips curved only halfway when he smiled, and his eyes were darker than a cave.