Hailey’s eyes welled up with tears. Her shoulders dropped. She was on the verge of breaking down again. “I don’t know any prayers. I didn’t study that far into it.”
Randy rushed over to Hailey and kept her from falling, placing his hands on her shoulders. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” He wiped away her fallen tears. “I’ll walk us through it.”
I stepped to the side, watching the two try to find comfort.
He took her hands and his dark-cave eyes looked into her blues. “This will be from The Dedication Chapter from Shantideva’s Bodhicharyavatara.”
Hailey snickered softly, sniffling. “I have no clue what you just said.”
“It’s okay. Just close your eyes. I’ll walk you through it.”
And he did. I watched two complete strangers find comfort with one another in the worst moment known. They didn’t shutdown from the unknown. They welcomed it together. Hailey’s harsh breaths began to relax as she held on to Randy’s hands.
My favorite blessing that Randy brought up was, “May all beings have immeasurable life spans. May they always live happily, and may even the word ‘death’ disappear.”
Sounded good to me.
Everyone headed out of the church to go over to the cemetery. Daniel approached me, not looking to be a lover in front of everyone but just a concerned individual. Yet in my heart I knew he was a concerned lover, and that’s all that mattered.
“How are you?” he whispered. I shrugged. Daniel’s lips turned down, probably seeing my distressed look. “I wish I could hold you and take away all of your hurt.”
I smiled at him and a few tears fell. He moved to wipe them away. “Don’t.” I wiped my own eyes. “Henry,” I muttered.
Daniel frowned and nodded. “I’ll see you later.” He headed for his car.
Turning in the direction to Henry’s truck, I paused when I saw Jace around the side of the church building. He paused, staring at me before he turned and started walking in the opposite direction. I chased after him, calling his name.
“Listen, I get it,” he huffed, turning to face me, “Call the cops. Get me locked up. But I swear to God I didn’t do this! I didn’t give that kid those drugs” He paced back and forth, his forehead spitting out sweat in the cold, cold air. “I didn’t kill that kid!” he screamed in a whisper. I didn’t say anything. I stood staring at him, his blue eyes filled with emotion. His hands ran over his low-cut hair and he bent his knees, lowering himself to the ground. “Oh my God. Did I kill that kid?”
“You have the same eyes,” I said. He looked up, confused. “As Daniel. You both have the same eyes.”
He wiped his hands under his nose and sniffled. “We get them from our dad.” Pulling himself to a standing position, he paused. “Why aren’t you calling the cops?”
“You’re not a child, Jace. If you think you did something wrong, then it should be your responsibility to turn yourself in.” I slightly smirked. “Plus, I’m having a really crappy day, so…”
He laughed and nodded. “I’m sorry. About all of this.” His blue eyes filled with tears. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Yeah. Me too.” My mind danced with something I wasn’t sure I should tell him, but I knew he needed to hear it. “There weren’t any drugs”—I shifted my weight from one leg to the other—“in his system. Ryan drove the car into the tree fully aware of what he was doing.”
“It wasn’t my fault?” he breathed out, resting his hands on top of his hair.
I shook my head back and forth.
A strained smile plastered on his face and he started to turn around. I saw one single tear roll down his cheek as he jammed his hands in his jeans pockets. I knew he didn’t mean for me to hear his next comment. He was speaking to himself, but I did overhear.
“I’ll get clean. I really will this time…” As lightly as the wind blew, his last words left his lips and floated away toward the clouds. “I just wanted back into the band. Maybe he’ll let me back in.”
If there were a heaven, I hoped Jace’s words flew toward its path.
And if there were a God, I hoped he was listening.
Goodbyes hurt most when they’re one-sided.
~ Romeo’s Quest
It had been a long day.
At the cemetery, I stood next to Ryan’s mom, who was breaking down. Henry held her left hand, and I took her right. I knew she didn’t know me other than my being the guy who’d taught her son, but she squeezed my hand back.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
My eyes moved back to Ashlyn, who had her arms wrapped around Hailey. She gave me a weak smile, and I frowned.
What if I was ruining her life by loving her? What if, somehow, I was putting her in danger? Jace was dangerous, and the people he dealt were even more of a risk.
I knew it was a stupid thought, but death was becoming too common in my life. I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle. Especially if something happened to Ashlyn.
Did Jace give Ryan those drugs? Would Ryan have been alive if I’d turned down the offer of letting them stay the night? He would’ve been alive right now if I weren’t dating my student.
Guilt was treacherous.
And it was filling my head with all the reasons why I shouldn’t love Ashlyn.
I hadn’t seen Ashlyn in four days. It was the longest we’d ever gone without seeing one another. I’d been sitting in my Jeep parked outside the library for the past fifteen minutes. The sky was drunk on blackness, and snow was falling at a steady pace. Under the street lights, I saw her walking toward me, a large paper bag in her arms.
She’d told Henry she would be spending the night at a friend’s house, promising to check in with him every hour. Which meant I had her for at least fifteen hours. The way the lights lit her up and the snow danced against her face made me think why someday everything would work out.
Because I needed it to work out with Ashlyn Jennings. After she graduated this coming June, I would love her out loud—the way she deserved to be loved. We would deal with college when college came, but not a day before.
Yeah, guilt was harsh, but hope was just as powerful a weapon.
She opened the passenger’s door and climbed in, setting the bag in her lap.
“What do ya got there?” I asked.
Her head shook back and forth. “Kiss first, questions later.”
I leaned in, held my mouth against hers, and smirked as her tongue escaped and she ran it against my bottom lip. “What’s in the bag?” I repeated.
“My treasure chest with the letters from Gabby. And Jack, Jose, and Morgan,” she replied. “We’re getting drunk tonight and opening letters.”
Laughing at her response, I rolled my eyes. “No, really. What’s in the bag?” She arched an eyebrow and tilted it toward me. A shitload of alcohol and letters. “I don’t think tonight is the right night for this, sweets.” Her eyelids were so heavy from lack of sleep. “Plus, you don’t drink.”
She smiled. “No, I don’t.” Her hand slipped into the bag and she pulled out a letter. “But number eight requires it.”
“Ashlyn…” I warned, not wanting her to drown herself in alcohol. She hadn’t really dealt with Ryan’s death yet, and I feared that one day she would just snap.
“Daniel. Fun. Remember that? Let’s just have fun tonight, okay?”
I breathed out and nodded. “Okay.” I narrowed my eyes and leaned in her direction. “Come here.”
She inched her body closer to me. My eyes fell to her lips. I placed my hand on her lower back, pulling her closer. She exhaled as I ran my finger slowly around her top lip and slowly around her bottom lip. She parted her mouth and slowly licked my finger before she sucked on it gently. My hand cupped around the back of her neck and I pulled my mouth to hers.
We stared into one another’s eyes, my heart pounding against my chest. “I love you.”
“I love you,” she breathed against me, sending the words into my entire being. Her back arched against my
touch, and I tugged on her bottom lip. She sighed, repeating herself. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
When we pulled up to the lake house, I saw that the living room lights were on. Then I saw two women walking back and forth in their bras. Shit. I glanced over to Ashlyn, who of course had noticed the bodies, too. Her face turned to me with a smirk.
“There are naked women in your house.”
I sighed when I saw a shirtless Randy come into view through the window. My fingers rubbed against my forehead. “There are indeed naked women in my house.”
She had a smart-ass smile glued to her face. “Is this a…normal thing that happens at Mr. Daniels’s house?”
I formed a fist and bit the side of my hand. My eyes closed tight. “No! No…it’s just… Well, in the past, Randy used to try to make me feel better by…”
“By…?”
“By having naked music parties.”
Silence. I didn’t want to open my eyes to see her reaction. A loud giggle was heard. I peeked my eyes opened to find Ashlyn cracking up in laughter. “Naked music parties? Oh my gosh! You’re a freak!” She was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down her cheek.
“What?! No! Randy’s the freak! I was just a guy…in a room…with naked girls.” I put the car in reverse and turned to back away from the house. Ashlyn’s hand rested on my arm.
“Don’t you dare!” she hissed. “We are going to a naked music party!”
“We are not!” I argued. She set the paper bag on the ground in front of her. Her fingers slowly started unbuttoning her coat. “Ashlyn…” I muttered, watching her movements.
“Put the car in park,” she instructed.
“No,” I said, but I did the opposite. The car went into park.
Of course the car went into park. Because when a beautiful girl started undressing in your vehicle, you put the damn car in park. I shut up as I watched her remove her coat. Her hands wrapped under the hem of her sweater and she started to pull it over her head.
“‘Are you sure that we are awake? It seems to me that yet we sleep, we dream.’” She was quoting A Midsummer Night’s Dream as her sweater found its placement in my back seat.
Her fingers started at the top of her neck and she caressed her body as she moved her fingers down her neck, across her cleavage and to her bra. Her eyes closed and I watched as she touched herself in front of me, her mouth parting in excitement.
“You’re killing me, Ashlyn,” I muttered, watching, feeling myself harden as I watched.
She leaned her seat back, lying backwards. Her hands were still running against her body. I watched her deep inhales and heavy exhales. “‘Up and down, up and down. I will lead them up and down…’” she quoted. Her fingers moved down her chest, traveling toward her belly button. She turned her head in my direction and she smiled easily with closed eyes. Her fingers started unbuttoning her jeans. “‘I am feared in field in town—’”
A growl rolled through me and my hands landed on top of hers. Her green eyes shot open and her mouth parted at seeing my eyes filled with need. My hands unzipped her jeans and I pulled them down a bit. Slightly teasing the skin above her panties, I listened to her moan.
“‘Goblin, lead them up,’” I started to finish her quote. My fingers traced up to her bra, grazing over her hardened nipples. Her hands flew over her head and she gripped the headrest behind her. With quickening breaths, her excitement deepened. Sliding my fingers down her skin, my hand slid into her panties and I listened to her burst with pleasure as I whispered against her ear, “‘And down.’”
I had no need to enter my house. If I never saw another woman’s naked body again, I would be fine as long as this one was mine.
So we didn’t enter the house at all that night.
But there was indeed a naked music party for two.
We moved to the boat shed for our drunken activities, not wanting to walk into the house to see Randy with his naked girls. “We’ll head inside after a while. They won’t stay the night,” I said. “Randy never keeps girls overnight.” I pulled out blankets for us and we lay on top of the boat.
The whiskey was opened, and after Ashlyn took her first shot of it, I thought she was going to vomit. But she refused to stop trying it. Each time we took a shot together, she made the cutest ugly face I’d ever seen. And she giggled a lot as a drunken girl.
I loved the sounds of her laugh. I arched an eyebrow and moved the bottles of alcohol far away from her. “You’re drunk.”
She sat up straight. The backs of her hands touched her cheeks. “Ohh! Am I?!” She laughed some more. “Okay,” she snickered, reaching into her paper bag and digging around. “I have two letters we can open! Number twenty-seven.” There was a moment she stared down at the letters and sighed. “Sometimes I feel like my life is being driven by these letters”—her voice lowered—“and sometimes I think they are leading me the wrong way.”
Her eyes blinked, and she shook away her thought, but I held on to it. She opened the letter and began to read it, stumbling through the words. “‘Dear Ash, if you are reading this letter on your twenty-first birthday, then you are very much a loser. Who waits until their twenty-first birthday to drink? If you are reading this before you’re twenty-one, then take another shot for me, you lush! I love you like crazy. I miss you even more. You’re doing great, kid. Gabby.’”
She pulled the note to her chest and frowned, but at the same time, her eyes smiled. “I miss her like crazy.”
“She misses you, too.”
“Do you think she’s with Ryan?” She paused. “Do you even believe in heaven? Heck, I don’t know if I do.”
I cleared my throat and rested my elbows on my knees. “I believe in the possibility of something greater than this world. And I believe that the two of them are together, safe, and no longer in pain.”
She released an easy breath. “I bet they’re hanging with Shakes.”
“Well clearly. Why would you hang out with anyone other than Shakes in the land of the dead?”
She smiled. I fell harder. Pouring two more shots, she handed me one. “For Gabrielle Jennings and Ryan Turner. May they be conversing with William Shakespeare on a daily basis.”
To Gabby and Ryan!
Ashlyn’s hand picked up the next envelope from Gabby. “Number twelve… Have sex in a car.” When she said the words, her cheeks blushed over and she buried her face in the palms of her hands. “Ohmygosh. We totally had sex in your Jeep!”
I smirked. “Twice.”
She looked up at me, her hair wild, untamed, perfect. She sat with her arms resting against her knees. Leaning in, she bit her bottom lip. “I want to make love to you everywhere twice.”
I kissed her forehead and ran my hands through her hair. She held the letter out to me and I arched an eyebrow.
“You want me to read it?” I asked.
“Of course.”
Opening it, I grinned. “You slut.”
She nodded. “I know, I know. Now what does it say?”
My smile stretched even more as I turned the letter around to her.
#12. Have Sex in a Car.
You Slut.
-G
Ashlyn snatched the note from my fingers and stared at the words on the paper. Her eyes widened with joy and she snickered. “What a bitch.”
I thought that was girl code for ‘my best friend.’
Close the door.
Take off your clothes.
Let me see your secrets unfold.
~ -Romeo’s Quest
We moved back into Daniel’s bedroom and fell asleep in one another’s arms. In the morning when I woke up, Daniel was nowhere to be found. But an intense headache was on the forefront. On the pillow next to me a tray. Sitting on it was a water bottle with daisies, a bowl of Cap’n Crunch mixed with marshmallows, a plate with two painkillers, and orange juice.
My smile remained as I watched the morning light seep into the bedroom.
Breakfast in bed. Anot
her first of ours.
I tossed the pills into my mouth and washed them down with some orange juice.
Daniel walked into the room with nothing on but a towel around his waist. The way the cotton hung on his hips made me fully aware of how built he was from top to bottom. There was water dripping down his toned six-pack, and I blushed as I stared. I loved how he still made me blush from time to time. He smirked toward me.
“Good morning.” He walked closer and I reached to him, wrapping my arms around him, pulling his wet body down to me. He lay on top of me, holding me against him. He smelled so fresh, woodsy. I made sure to breathe him all in.
“You got me Cap’n Crunch and added marshmallows?” I asked.
He picked up a piece and placed it between my lips. “It’s your favorite.” He kissed me lightly and I scrunched my face.
“I need to brush my teeth and shower. You’re all fresh and clean. It’s not fair that you’re kissing nasty morning breath.”
“I don’t care,” he laughed at me.
My hands covered my mouth and I turned my head away from him. “I do!”
Daniel stood up and scooped me into his arms, still chuckling. “Then let’s go get you all cleaned up.”
Making love in the shower.
Another first of ours.
Pain isn’t something you need to save.
But please, baby, hold on for one more day.
~ Romeo’s Quest
Winter break started the week after Ryan’s funeral. I stayed at Henry’s for the most of it, making sure Rebecca and Hailey were finding time to eat, to cry, to mourn. I’d lost Gabby in August, but I felt that the worst time to lose someone was during the holidays. Christmas was only a few days away, yet it didn’t feel that way at all.