“Is that a question, Evelyn?”
I was worried she’d walk straight out of the bathroom and ask Lucian about banking securities, which was exactly what she did. I tried to stop her. Lucian was sitting in the living room on the couch, talking about, of course, UPS delivery service.
My dad said, “Hey, DD, this guy is a serious history buff. He knows everything about the beginnings of the United Parcel Service.”
“Yeah, Lucian’s a reader,” was all I could think to say.
Lucian was looking at me, wearing one of those smiles that made it hard not to smile back. He looked like a little boy about to walk into Disneyland.
“Lucian,” my mother said.
“Yes, Jane?”
“So you’re in banking, Evey tells me.”
“Yes, that’s right.” I knew he’d pick up on what to do. “Asset securities to be exact.” He winked. I lost my balance and had to grip the back of the couch.
“What are asset securities?” my father said.
Oh shit, what if he doesn’t know?
“It’s actually pretty simple. I buy shares in companies or in mutual funds that are invested in the stock market. It’s a lot of number crunching. It’s not that exciting, but it pays the bills.”
God, he’s good.
“Do you want to see my childhood bedroom, Lucian?” I asked.
“Evey,” my mother scolded.
“Just to show him around,” I whined.
My mother rolled her eyes. Lucian looked back at my dad for approval.
“Go ahead, DD, show him around.”
“Come on.” I grabbed Lucian’s hand and pulled him down the hall to my bedroom. With my back to him, I said, “So this is it. I’m an only child.” He laughed, so I turned on my heel. Our faces were inches apart. “Why are you laughing?”
“Because I know you’re an only child. I’ve known you since you were a baby, remember?” He opened his eyes wide for emphasis. “I know a lot about you.”
I had forgotten about that little fact. For a while, we had just been a couple of people getting to know each other. I knew I had a sour look on my face when Lucian added, “Not everything though. There’s a lot I don’t know about you.”
“What don’t you know about me?”
“I can’t read your mind.”
“Oh, big deal. So you don’t know what I’m thinking? Most people can’t read minds. How did you know I told my mom about the securities thing? We were whispering in the other room. By the way, are my parents’ angels in here with us?”
“No, they’re outside—two females. I’ve known them since you were born. They hang out on that old porch swing, smoking cigarettes… menthols. Your mom always thought your dad was sneaking cigarettes.”
I laughed. I knew about that. I remember her accusing him once.
“They’re usually really nice,” he said, “but they gave me a dirty look when we walked up, so I didn’t say anything.” He clenched his teeth like the angels outside might be a problem.
“You never answered me. How’d you know what I told my mom if you can’t read minds?”
“I can hear you from far away when you’re speaking aloud. But I can’t hear your thoughts. Sometimes when I’m worried about you”—his lips moved closer to mine—“I wish I could hear your thoughts, but other times, I’m glad you’re a mystery to me.”
I pecked him on the lips and pulled away. “I’m the mystery?”
His eyes moved to my mouth. “I don’t understand anything anymore.” He pulled my body flush with his. “I just know this feels right and good.”
I believed Lucian was grappling with something far bigger than even my own disbelief of what was happening and what he was. I had always been of a very sound mind. There was never a time, even in my young childhood, when I imagined things that weren’t there or made up stories in my head. Now I was kissing my guardian angel in my childhood bedroom in Oakland, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted him to put his hand up my shirt. That was where my head was at. In the gutter would be an understatement. Lucian knew he had that effect on me. He knew I would never be able to get him out of my system.
We finished an early dinner with my parents, then Lucian and I spent the rest of the evening running around town, doing the things Lucian said he had never been able to enjoy. We went bowling and drove go-carts and watched twenty minutes of a cheesy romantic comedy in an old theater. I couldn’t even remember what it was about because we were basically making out in the back the whole time. He didn’t do anything angel-like that night. We walked from the Wharf to Ghirardelli Square and shared a giant ice cream sundae. We were a normal couple.
Back at my apartment, I drank a glass of wine and Lucian had tea. We made smooth, sleepy love. It was effortless. It was blissful.
Brooklyn knocked on my door at two in the morning. I was sleeping, but of course Lucian was just lying there, perfectly still… watching me. The idea sounds unnerving, but he was always watching me, and so I became accustomed to it quickly.
“Brooklyn’s at the door,” he whispered.
I got up and pulled a blanket off the end of the bed to cover myself. “Hold on, Brooke.”
When I got to the door and looked back, Lucian was sprawled on the bed without any modesty. I ran back over and covered him with the sheet. He just smirked at me.
“Oh, stop it,” I said to him.
When I opened the door, Brooke scowled. “Geez, took you long enough.”
“What’s up? It’s late. I have to work tomorrow.”
She leaned to one side of me to peer into the room. I looked back to see Lucian wave to her and smile.
Near my ear, she said, “Was just making sure you were okay.”
“That’s the first time you’ve ever done that,” I told her.
“That’s not true.” She was still trying to look around me, but I was blocking her.
“We’re fine, thanks.”
“What’s up with you and him?” she asked.
“We’re having mind-blowing sex in here, Brooklyn, can you leave us alone?” Lucian called out.
Her eyes widened.
“He’s kidding,” I said. “We were sleeping, and now we are going back to sleep and you are going to your room.”
She shook her head. “Whatever. We’ll talk later.”
When I crawled back into bed with Lucian, he was pretending to be asleep, even fake snoring. I tickled him under the arms. He squirmed but kept his eyes closed. “You’re ticklish,” I teased. I was relentless until he literally begged me to stop.
“Please,” he said, “I’ll tell you anything you have ever wanted to know.”
I stopped. “Anything?”
“Anything,” he said.
“What was the one time you saw me naked? You mentioned that before.”
He shut his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose and out of his mouth. “It was a couple of years ago. I was hanging out on your fireplace mantel, just bored. You and Brooklyn were getting ready to go out. Did I mention that I was bored?”
I rolled my eyes. “Go on.”
“You called out something from the bathroom. I can’t remember exactly what it was. You said you thought your breasts were crooked.”
“I remember, keep going,” I said, although I could tell he was tormented by something. As he went on, the story seemed to get harder and harder for him to tell.
“It was weird for me, Evey. I can’t explain it.”
“Try.” With my index finger, I drew circles around the little smattering of hair on his chest.
“When you called out to Brooklyn about it, I heard her say something rude to herself about your breasts. You came walking down the hallway in a towel—you know how Brooke is jealous of you?”
“I don’t think she’s jealous of me.”
“Yes, she is. That’s why she’s knocking on your door at two a.m. I knew she was going to be hurtful that day. I had witnessed it before, and you’ve always b
een so sweet to her.”
It looked like he was getting emotional. I was too.
“What did you do, Lucian?”
“You were going to open your towel and show her, so I popped into her body just for a minute.”
I remember that day well. I’d thought Brooklyn was out of her mind. She had said, “You’re beautiful, Evey. You have a really nice body, and you should never feel insecure about it.”
Lucian went on. “I got in trouble for that. I’m not supposed to protect your heart, but I didn’t want to see you hurt by Brooklyn’s words. And you were looking at me, just standing there completely naked, looking so pretty and vulnerable. It was selfish of me.”
“No, it was selfless of you.” I cupped his face with my hands and kissed him. “I love that you’d do that for me.”
“You haven’t heard the whole story. The worst part is that when I popped out of Brooklyn’s body, I stood behind her, transfixed. I couldn’t take my eyes off you.” He laughed. “I got turned on. It was the first time I became really worried about what might happen between us. I took off and went and got a bottle. That’s when I started drinking a lot more. I also got a serious scolding from Mona.”
“Well, I’m glad I turned you on.” I smiled.
He laughed once, but it seemed forced. Pulling my head down to rest on his chest, he said, “Go to sleep, Evey. I have some things to figure out tonight.”
I HAD SOME time before magic hour to lie in bed and think while Evey slept peacefully on my chest. I had lost another feather earlier but hadn’t mentioned it to her. I didn’t want to worry her. I gently removed myself from her bed and went outside. I felt weak and thought maybe it was due to extreme alcohol withdrawals. Across the street, I spotted an angel where Zack normally sat.
“Hey,” I said to him.
He flew onto the roof without responding.
Abigail was also nowhere to be found. I plopped down on the stoop until it was time to go find Mona. I flew slowly to the St. Francis soda shop and tried to open the door, but it was locked. I knocked, and then tried to pass through the glass but couldn’t. All I could see around me were humans frozen in motion.
I went to the Star Wars bar, but no one was there.
Standing on the street, I called out, “Mona, Zack, Abigail, anyone?”
I flew toward the Golden Gate. It was raining pretty hard by then, but there were always angels on the bridge during magic hour. It was the best vantage point to see the sun piercing the horizon. About halfway to the bridge, I looked down and saw an angel struggling in the wind and rain. As I got closer, I noticed it was Zack. His wings had always been too weak for bad weather. I grabbed him from above to right him in the wind.
“What are you doing?” he screamed. “Take your hands off me, you traitor.”
“No, Zack, listen.”
“No!” His voice was a high-pitched screech.
“Just hear me out. You’re my best friend,” I shouted over the rushing wind. I directed us to Coit Tower to sit on the roof and talk.
“I don’t want to be here,” Zack said.
“Please just listen to me. I need to know what’s going on. Am I banished? Why can’t I find Mona? Please.” I looked him in the eyes. “You’re my only friend.”
Compassion flooded his expression. “You’re not banished.”
That brightened me up. “I’m not?”
“Worse, I think.”
“What?” I asked.
Hesitating, he said, “I don’t know, Luc. They reassigned all of us, even Mona. They said we weren’t to talk to you.”
“Who is ‘they’?”
“Some David guy, along with you-know-who.”
“No, I don’t know who.”
Zack shrugged. “Your favorite person.”
“Jesus? I love him, and he loves me. He loves everyone.”
“You told me one time that you didn’t get the hype. Now you’re saying you love him?”
“We had a falling out a long time ago, but that’s in the past. I got over it, and he should too. Isn’t the forgiveness thing his whole schtick anyway? And by the way, that debacle with Mary Magdalene had nothing to do with me. I couldn’t control her. I think he and I are on good terms now though.”
“You’re always saying that, Luc. It was a long time ago, but you still haven’t taken responsibility for it. I think that’s the only thing causing problems for you now.”
“No, what’s causing problems for me now is that I’m in love with Evey. My past wouldn’t be an issue if it weren’t for her. Why didn’t they banish me to the Star Wars bar?”
“Because of your past. They’ve just had it. They think you’re a lost cause.”
“A lost cause? Do you know how many great events in history I’m responsible for?”
“I gotta go,” Zack said.
“You’re my best friend, Zack.” If I said it enough, maybe he’d believe me and stick by me.
“I have to go and do what’s right.” He reached his hand out for a shake, and I pulled him into a hug.
“I’m going to miss you,” I told him.
“It might not be forever.”
“I hope not, but I’m changing. Something is happening to me.” He nodded but didn’t reply. “Zack, will you please find Mona and tell her I need to talk to her?”
“I’ll see what I can do.” Then with complete sorrow written on his face, he flew away into the powerful wind, flapping his crappy wings as hard as he could to get enough lift.
I got a chill sitting on top of the tower. I had never been cold before. Wrapping my wings around myself, I waited. There was a thump behind me… feet landing.
“Lucian?” Mona sounded defeated.
I couldn’t look at her. I kept my head down when I spoke. “How bad is it?”
“I fought for you.”
“Just tell me how bad it is.” What is everyone keeping from me?
“All the higher-ups decided you weren’t worth helping.”
She was standing next to me by that point; I could feel it. “So I’m not banished, but it’s worse? I lost two feathers today.”
“That’s going to happen.”
“What else is going to happen, Mona?”
“I’m not certain, but I don’t think it will be pretty.”
I looked up into her eyes for the first time since she had gotten there. “She’ll be crushed if anything happens to me. This will ruin Evey. It will break her heart into a million pieces. She’ll never be the same. I’ll stop seeing her if I have to. I’ll erase her memory. You can reassign me.”
“I think it’s too late for that.”
“I don’t understand. What’s going to happen? Tell me, please. What? Poof? No, please tell that’s not going to happen.” I was pleading not for my own life but for Evey’s sake. “She’ll die. She’s in love with me.” I knew my eyes were as wide as saucers.
“I don’t know what will happen, but if it is poof, she won’t remember you at all. You’ll be forgotten.”
Anger boiled over in me. “Just like that, huh? And there’s no stopping it?”
“Just like that.”
“Please talk to the big guy for me. Do something. I promise I’ll change. I already quit drinking.”
“I don’t think I can help, but I’ll give it one last try, Lucian. And it’s not just about quitting the booze. It probably has to do with you atoning for what you’ve done and asking those you’ve hurt for forgiveness.”
“Atonement? Who have I hurt?”
“You’ve hurt Evey.” Hearing that felt like a stake in the heart. “Lucian, you’ve interfered with her life in such a colossal way there is probably no repairing it.”
I shook my head. “There are always second chances.”
“Not always. I know how well meaning you’ve always been. You looked out for her, but you just got too damn close.”
“Anything you can do, Mona, I’m begging you.”
She looked at her watch. “You have a mi
nute or so to get back to her. And remember, as long as you’re there, no one else will be assigned to her.”
She was basically saying I was still responsible for Evey. Not that I would ever let anything happen to her, but I noticed I was a little slower to get off the ground from the top of Coit. I wondered if I was not only cursing Evey’s heart, but her life too.
I made it back to Evey’s just as magic hour was ending. She stirred, so I stripped down, crawled underneath the covers, and began kissing her belly. I thought about having a baby with her, knowing it was impossible. My eyes welled up from the idea that I was taking that away from her. I thought maybe I should just walk in front of a bus and end it all right there. Evey would forget about me, and I would disintegrate into nothingness.
“Oh, Lucian,” she moaned.
I moved down farther until I was kissing her there. She tasted so good, and she was making perfect sounds and holding my head to her body, writhing beneath me, and that’s when the whole bus idea started sounding really bad.
I sat up on my knees. “Turn around.”
She did. She got on her hands and knees, totally exposed to me. I ran my hand down her perfect ass, and then I was inside her. Her back arched. She lifted off her hands and leaned into my body. We moved like that for a long time. Evey was out of her mind with lust. I could feel her heart racing and her legs trembling. She was crumbling all around me, coming with unrepentant joy. But for me, the guilt was eating away at my insides, and it was hard to stay in the moment.
“God, yes,” she whispered.
When Evey was done, she plopped onto the bed, turned, and said, “Is something wrong?” She had sensed that I wasn’t fully present.
I lay down beside her and took her in my arms. “No.”
“You seemed far away.”
“I just wanted you to feel good.” I told her the truth, but she was right—I was far away. What Mona had said was a lot to digest. Why hadn’t they just banished me? Not knowing what was going to happen would be my punishment?
Evey propped herself on her elbow and looked me in the eyes. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “Positive. You know what?” I traced a line under her arm with my index finger.
She giggled. “What?”