“Because I’ve never done anything to you. But I did cover for you when you needed it, and I saved Brooklyn’s life that one time she was drunk and hanging off the edge of a balcony like an idiot. You were nowhere in sight. You owe me.”
“You seem sober for once.”
“I haven’t had a drink in days.”
“I’m shocked, seriously,” she said. “What do you want my help with?”
“It seems like you know things, like inside things.”
“Well, I’ve been around longer than you have.”
I pointed from her chest to mine. “You’re older than me?”
“Duh.” She twirled around. “Look at me. I’m a way better version.”
I shook my head. “Whatever. I just need to know how I can be with her. Something is happening to me. I think I’m dying. Evey thinks maybe I’m becoming a human.”
For the first time in the twenty-five years I had known Abigail, I saw compassion in her eyes. “I wish I could help you. I really do. You can be with her if you take her out—that’s what I’ve heard. But there are consequences. I mean, do you realize what killing your own soul would mean? True blasphemy, sacrilege, all of that stuff.”
“Zack heard a story about an angel in Memphis who drowned her soul and now they’re together.”
She shook her head. “I’ve heard that story, but I doubt it’s all true. Anyway, why would you want her to become one of us now? Those new versions are a bit janky, you know?”
They really weren’t, but old angels, even me, liked to pretend that we were so much better. If Evey became one of us, she wouldn’t be herself anymore. Everything we’d shared would be gone. If I had been a normal man who had become an angel, I had no memory of my human life at all. She wouldn’t either.
“I wish I could get some answers. Mona knows nothing,” I said.
Abigail arched her thin eyebrows. “No one does.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. We’re just supposed to do the right thing and have faith that everything will work out.” She caressed my cheek with her thumb. I don’t know why I let her.
“That ship has sailed, Abigail. I haven’t been doing the right thing for a while now.”
She moved closer to me. “I’m sorry. I know you’re going through a lot.”
“I don’t know why it’s possible that I’m in love with Evey. There has to be a reason.”
“Maybe the booze is scrambling your brain.”
“I told you, I quit drinking.”
“Well, we’re different. I don’t understand how you can even be attracted to her. Humans smell gross, and they’re just not good-looking. They’re not like us. I think we can get you back, Lucian. I think I can remind you of what it’s like to be with one of us.”
She leaned up to kiss me, and I pushed her back. “No, stop! What are you doing?”
She scowled. “Geez, you really are fucked in the head.”
“Did I not make it clear? I’m in love with her. The crazy kind of love that you and I have seen over and over… in them, not us. It’s the rip-your-bleeding-heart-out-and-step-in-front-of-a-speeding-train kind of love. You know what I’m talking about.”
She huffed. “Jesus, dramatic much? Duh, Lucian, you feel that way about Evey because you’re built to protect her.”
“I doubt you feel this kind of love for Brooklyn.”
“Yes, I do. I was devastated when she got herpes.”
I shook my head. “That’s not what I mean. I love Evey so much it’s selfish. I crave her touch. The way she looks at me… it’s not the same. I’ve been around long enough to know that.”
“Well, I don’t know what to say. You’re hopeless.”
“I know. Believe me, I know.”
After she left, I wandered the streets for the rest of magic hour and watched as angels scurried away from me like I was some kind of demon pariah. I went into a liquor store and stole a bottle of Scotch. The counter employee was human, so it was an easy grab. Back at Evey’s apartment, I sat on the floor of her bedroom and drank myself silly.
When she woke up, she spotted me in the corner. I was smiling and probably looking as stupid as I felt.
“Oh, Lucian.”
“I naah tha drunk,” I said, shaking my head.
“Come here.”
I stumbled over and collapsed into her arms. “I gonna be sober in no tine,” I slurred just before passing out.
Sometime later, I woke up to Evey sitting on the bed next to me, holding toast. “You need to eat, and I need to go to work. Why don’t you stay here and get some rest?”
I sat up quickly and leaned against the headboard. “I have to go with you.”
“No, stay, I’ll be fine.”
“I don’t think you understand. I can’t be away from you,” I said.
She smiled shyly. “You’re sweet.”
“No, I literally cannot be away from you, Evey; I’m your guardian angel.”
“Ha…” She looked away curiously. “That’s right. I keep forgetting.”
AFTER THAT NIGHT, we chose to put all of the questions away in the cupboard for a while. We carried on like a couple in love, spending every minute together. However wrong it might have been, we were so lovesick it made our choice to go against the rules feel right. I’d make myself invisible while she was at work, but she knew I was there. I’d knock something over and she’d start giggling, and pretty soon, Tracey thought Evey was losing her mind. But Evey was creating the best designs of her life, and I was the happiest I’d ever been. I didn’t tell Evey that I lost feathers every day and that things that used to be simple for me were getting harder and harder.
I found a weird and crappy way of making money. During magic hours, I’d go into heavy crime areas and steal from thieves. I’d take most of the money back to the rightful owners and keep a small share for myself. I didn’t tell Evey; I wasn’t exactly Robin Hood. I hadn’t seen Zack in a long time. I did wish for a better life for him though. Maybe someday he’d give it all up for love like I had.
I caught Mona coming out of the soda shop one night, but she just held her hand up and said, “I can’t. I’m sorry, Lucian.”
Angels ignored me, God ignored me, I couldn’t even get a retweet on Twitter… but at least I had Evey.
“THEY’RE OYSTERS, AND they’re an aphrodisiac,” I told her, lifting one to her mouth.
“I know what they are. I’m just not a fan. Plus, we don’t need aphrodisiacs.”
“True, but I always wanted you to have a sophisticated palate. You’ve never even tried an oyster. Just try it. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat anymore.”
She laughed. “Sophisticated palate?”
“Yes. Jane and Steve were always feeding you Hamburger Helper and Shake ’n Bake chicken.”
She scowled. “I hate it when you talk about my parents that way. And by the way, you’re the one acting like a dad now.”
“I love your parents, Evey; they made you.” It was true. I owed them everything. “I’m just saying I want to give you life experiences you wouldn’t have normally had. Here, try it.”
She rolled her eyes but opened her mouth anyway. The oyster slid out of the shell onto her tongue. “Just one chomp then swallow it whole” She did. Her face scrunched up like it was the worst thing she had ever eaten. She gagged, her eyes watered, and then she finally gulped it down. “Good girl,” I told her.
She glared at me. “That was disgusting.”
“It’s kind of an acquired taste.”
“I don’t want to acquire that taste.”
I kissed her and tasted the salt water on her lips. “Mm, that’s good,” I murmured against her mouth. She deepened the kiss for a moment but then pulled away and squinted. “What?” I said.
“I didn’t like the oyster at all, but that kiss was strangely erotic.”
“I told you. I’ve been around for a while. I know these things. Plus, you wouldn’t have had that experience with yo
ur dad.” I wiggled my eyebrows at her.
Her expression fell. “How many women have you been with?”
“You’re the only human I’ve ever been with.” I smiled, satisfied with myself.
“No. You know what I mean.”
“Oh, did you mean angels?”
“Yes, which is even worse, but tell me… how many?” She was getting jealous. I know it’s weird, but I kind of liked it.
We were in the back of the Ferry Building, at an oyster bar that looked out at the bay. I scanned the bay for flying angels but didn’t see any. “I don’t know. It’s been two thousand years. I’ve lost count.”
She looked a bit disturbed but also thoughtful. “Let’s just say for the sake of this argument, you’ve slept with five thousand angels.”
I snorted.
“You jerk. I’m trying to make a point. I’m also trying to get to know you.”
“You know me better than anyone, but five thousand? Come on. That would be less than three a year. Let’s be realistic.”
She squinted. “Give me a number, Lucian.”
“Maybe… a few hundred thousand.” I was being conservative. I shrugged. “There isn’t much to do during magic hours. I’m not proud of it, okay?”
She put her head in her hands and groaned. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder.
“I bet I’m terrible in bed,” she said, “compared to all the experienced women you’ve been with.”
“Angels, they’re different, and anyway, are you kidding me? It is out of this world, utterly spectacular with you. There’s nothing else like it. We were made for each other, Evey. I believe that.”
She looked up and smiled before lifting an oyster to my mouth. I swallowed it, and we kissed. “We should go home,” she whispered near my ear.
We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other long enough to finish a meal. On our way out of the Ferry Building I asked, “Hey, do you know how holy water is made?”
“Yeah, it’s blessed by a priest, right?”
“Guess again, sweetheart.”
“I don’t know,” she said, “tell me.”
Leading her by the hand, toward the street, I turned back and grinned. “You have to boil the hell out of it.”
She laughed all the way home.
LATER THAT NIGHT, sitting behind Evey in the tub, I washed and rinsed out her hair with water that I most certainly had blessed. She sighed with pleasure, and then said, “So what is it exactly, between you and me?”
In my most definitive and certain voice, I replied, “It’s simple, we’re in love.”
“Right, but what does that mean? Will you just hover around me and have sex with me until I die?”
“Sounds perfect,” I said.
She giggled. “You know what I mean.”
“I do.” I kissed the top of her head and then let my hand slide down her back until I reached her butt. She made a satisfied sound, so I pinched it.
“Ouch!” She squirmed away.
Brooklyn banged loudly on the door as she walked by. Her jealousy was off the charts. I picked Evey up out of the tub, grabbed a towel with my teeth, and carried her to the bedroom, both of us completely naked. I knew Brooke would love that.
After we dried off and slid into bed, I rolled over on top of Evey, pinning her between my arms. I kissed her nose. She tried to squirm out from underneath me, but I held her tight until finally, she started tickling me and I had to relent. She managed to roll us over until she was on top.
With one long stroke of her tongue, she licked a streak right up the side of my cheek while holding my hands above my head. “How’s my oyster breath?”
“Divine.” I kissed her on the mouth and rolled her back to my side. “Now go to sleep, my angel; it’s late.”
She mock pouted but curled into the crook of my arm anyway and dozed off moments later.
I knew exactly what Evey needed. I had always known what she needed; I was made to know. She needed normalcy. I feared I wouldn’t be able to give her that forever, but there was no way I’d let someone stop me from trying, not Mona, not Zack, not even God.
IT WAS A Wednesday when I got down on one knee at that sketchy Japanese place Evey loved near the Wharf. “Marry me. I want to be your husband. I want you to be my wife.”
“Yes,” she had said breathlessly.
Later that night, we had a long talk.
“Why though, Lucian? Why are we doing it? It just seems so fast.”
“You said yes, Evey. You said it without hesitation.”
“Because I’ve dreamt about that moment my entire life and…”
I knew she had. She went through a phase when she was ten where she only sketched wedding dresses. She used to scour wedding magazines and create elaborate wedding ceremonies with Barbie dolls. I wanted her to have all of that. The guilt I felt for what I was doing to her was sometimes so unbearable that I’d become grumpy and despondent. All I could do was try to give her the things I knew she wanted.
It wasn’t until she and Brooklyn got older that Evey forgot about those dreams and started dating all of those rejects. That was when she lost faith in love. Now her faith was strong, and she deserved the fairy tale.
“And so you said yes, but now you’re having second thoughts?”
“I just don’t know if I see the point,” she said.
“I want you to have a wedding, and since you’ve stubbornly insisted on being with me, I’m going to do everything I can to create some semblance of normalcy for you. You’ve always wanted this. I know that about you. Plus, I already asked your dad for permission.”
She sat up quickly and pressed her back against he headboard. “What? He must have been shocked. We’ve only been together for a couple of months.”
“Nope, not shocked. I believe his exact words were, ‘I’ve never seen my DD so happy. You have my most genuine blessing.’”
She laughed. “You’re a charmer, you know that? You’ve already won my dad over, and my mother basically can’t take her eyes off you, which I find a little disturbing. What am I going to do with you?”
“Marry me. You’ll be my wife. I’ll be your husband. Done.” It surprised me how badly I wanted to be married to Evey. Such a human feeling.
She shimmied down and cupped my face. “Yes again, Lucian. Yes, I will marry you.”
We kissed and kissed, and then I told her that I would never be able to give her babies.
She replied, “We can adopt a little angel who needs a home.”
That was Evey… selfless. Why couldn’t I be more like her?
As our wedding approached, Evey became swept up in plans with her mother and Brooklyn while I went unnoticed in the corner. The story that I was “at work” made me laugh every time I heard Evey say it. It also made me wish that I was a normal man who went to work and didn’t linger somewhere out of sight.
I tweeted at Jesus, but he never responded. He had a secret account we all knew about. It was like our version of a confessional. He didn’t ask me to repent though, so I guess I was forgiven, or maybe forgotten. Maybe a lot of us are forgotten. What happens when people stop doing their job? An angel dies and what if Mona forgets to reassign the soul? Mona is flawed too. I’ve seen her make mistakes. Are those souls forgotten just like me?
All I could do was focus on the present by making Evey the happiest bride in the world, but I feared what was to come. I had stopped showing Evey my wings—they were deteriorating. Maybe I was becoming a simple man. I thanked God in advance if that was true.
“YOU ARE ONE heck of a beautiful bride, DD… just like your mother. Are you nervous?”
“Not at all.” It was true. I was marrying Lucian, so why would I be nervous?
It’s practically impossible to hide your wedding dress from someone who pretty much hears and sees everything, but we managed to pull it off. No one had a clue as to what Lucian really was and it would always have to be that way.
One night, a few weeks after we got engage
d, Lucian had asked me if I wanted a traditional wedding in a church. We had both laughed at the idea. I’d told him I’d be too worried he’d go up in a plume of smoke after stepping foot inside the house of God. He said the Earth itself was the house of God. That made perfect sense to me.
Our outdoor wedding venue was small and intimate—basically a glorified back patio covered in twinkle lights and lush greenery on the other side of the bridge—just out of earshot of the bustling city. It was at the Outdoor Art Club in Mill Valley, surrounded by beautiful redwoods. There were farm tables and candles, and we’d gotten plenty of wine to go around. Even Lucian was planning to have some wine. Thankfully, bottles of whiskey were a thing of the past for him. He’d said it was easy to give it up after that last time he got drunk.
Our wedding site was a breathtaking scene, and Lucian had set the whole thing up.
I looked out at the ceremony space, fearing the seats on the groom’s side would be empty, but to my surprise, they were all full. I was curious who all the people were. When he had told me before that he’d find a best man, I thought maybe Lucian was going to pay a bunch of actors to sit in as friends for him. We had already explained to my friends and parents that Lucian had no family, being an only child whose parents had passed away in a car accident.
Through a trellis, I saw Lucian standing under an arbor, wearing a suit and looking as handsome as ever. He was waiting for the ceremony to begin. Next to him stood his best man, a guy I had never seen before.
“Don’t let him see you,” my father said.
“He’s not going to see me,” I replied, knowing Lucian could hear me, even several yards away. I saw a smile playing on his beautiful lips.
“Let’s get this show on the road,” came Brooklyn’s voice.
Off to the left, an acoustic guitarist and singer began playing “Til Kingdom Come” by Coldplay. Lucian had chosen all the music. It was perfect.
“Don’t start crying yet,” my father said. “We have to walk down the aisle, DD.”
“Let’s do this,” I told him.
The moment I turned the corner, I saw Lucian’s mouth drop open. My dress was a simple A-line ivory and lace, something I had designed as a teenager. I was walking slowly, watching Lucian’s expression. It was pure joy and wonder.